VOICE From the poor man's Joss Whedon,

comes the forgettable follow-up to Iron Man, that's essentially just

killing time until The Avengers.

VOICE (CONT'D) Iron Man II.

VOICE (CONT'D) The completely dissappointing

sequel you fooled yourself into liking just because it had Iron Man

in it.

VOICE (CONT'D) Suit up for a feature-length

version of the Nick Fury bonus scene from the end of the first Iron Man.

VOICE (CONT'D) Which will still be unresolved by

the end of this movie.

VOICE (CONT'D) We've witnessed Tony Stark battle

global terrorism and his inner demons, now prepare to see him take

on his biggest challenges yet...

VOICE (CONT'D) Tedious government committees!

VOICE (CONT'D) Corporate manuvering!

VOICE (CONT'D) Low batteries!

VOICE (CONT'D) Alcoholism?

VOICE (CONT'D) And some guy with a bird.

VOICE (CONT'D) A sequel so inferior it will

replace an awesome origin story

with countless subplots you won't

remember as soon as you walk out of

the theater

VOICE (CONT'D) A story that ditches technology

grounded in reality for laughably

unrealistic magic holograms.

VOICE (CONT'D) And substitutes Jeff Bridges

with...Gary Shandling?

VOICE (CONT'D) Witness a superhero movie with just

enough Iron Man action to fill a 3

minute trailer...

VOICE (CONT'D) ...But not a feature length film.

Trust us. We counted.

VOICE (CONT'D) Instead, sit back and watch Iron

Man...

VOICE (CONT'D) Attend corporate events

VOICE (CONT'D) Eat doughnuts

VOICE (CONT'D) DJ birthday parties

VOICE (CONT'D) And pee his pants

VOICE (CONT'D) Experience the epic face off

between Iron Man and one of

Marvel's least known villains:

Whiplash...

VOICE (CONT'D) ...Who's harnessed the most

dangerous modern technology ever. Only to waste it...on a whip.

VOICE (CONT'D) A foe with no known super powers

who somehow survives being crushed by a car, not once, not twice, but

four f**king times...

VOICE (CONT'D) To defeat this madman, Iron Man's

bringing in backup, and they're all just as boring as the rest of the movie:

VOICE (CONT'D) Pepper Potts, an inconsistent nag

who totally cool with her boyfriend being Iron Man...

But freaks out when he drives a car...

VOICE (CONT'D) Black Widow: A sexy spy shoehorned

into the movie, just to establish her boobs for the Avengers.

VOICE (CONT'D) And Lieutenant Colonel James

Rhodes.

VOICE (CONT'D) Nope, not that one.

VOICE (CONT'D) Yeah that's the one.

VOICE (CONT'D) Who has the skills to perfectly fit

in and pilot an Iron Man suit, without any previous experience.

VOICE (CONT'D) Wait, didn't Tony need like half a

movie to learn how to work that thing?

VOICE (CONT'D) A new chapter so thin, the key to

the entire plot is resolved by a 40

year-old easter egg from Tony's

dad...

VOICE (CONT'D) ...Who decades earlier somehow knew

his grown son would keep his old

diorama, put it in an impossible-to

predict holographic computer

display, that can magnify

impossible amounts of detail, and

reveal the chemical makeup of an

impossible to create element, which

Tony immediately synthesizes in

order to wrap up all loose ends.

Ugh, someone got paid to write

this?

VOICE (CONT'D) Starring...

VOICE (CONT'D) Robb Stark

VOICE (CONT'D) Mrs. Coldplay

VOICE (CONT'D) Better Terrence Howard

VOICE (CONT'D) Some guy in a Mickey Rourke Mask

VOICE (CONT'D) Oh! That guy from, um...he was in

that one movie...

VOICE (CONT'D) A guy in a Gary Shandling mask

VOICE (CONT'D) Vince Vaughn's BFF

VOICE (CONT'D) Don Draper

VOICE (CONT'D) Sam...Elliott? No...Uh, uh...man

that's bugging me...

VOICE (CONT'D) And Hawkeye...with boobs!

VOICE (CONT'D) Iron Man 2.

VOICE (CONT'D) Sam Rockwell! Sam Rockwell!

That's the guy. I loved him in Galaxy Quest.