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  • [Dripping tap, buzzing sound]

    (滴水聲,嗡嗡聲)

  • When I got pregnant, I was young, broke and dating this guy that we'll call Dick.

    當我懷孕時,我還年輕而且很窮,正在跟一個叫 Dick 的傢伙約會

  • [Sound of him patting her thigh, white noise]

    (他拍拍她大腿的聲音)

  • I met Dick while working on a TV show. I was a background artist,

    我在一個電視節目工作時認識了 Dick 。當時我是個場佈美術

  • and I remember walking on to the studio lot and feeling awestruck.

    我還記得走進片場時感受到的震撼

  • I'd watch actors take their mark, and directors call "action."

    我看著演員就定位,然後導演會喊「開拍」

  • I had left the soul-sucking classrooms of Community College behind, and walked onto a living, breathing, filming set.

    社區大學枯燥乏人的教室已經被我拋諸腦後,我現在可是走入了眼前生氣蓬勃的電影片場

  • A: Hi, hi. I'm here for background. I'm so sorry I'm late.

    Anna : 嗨,我是負責場佈的。很抱歉我遲到了

  • D: All good. I'm Dick.

    Dick :沒事的。我叫 Dick

  • A: Oh, hi. Anna.

    Anna :噢,你好。我是 Anna

  • [Harp glissando, romantic music]

    (豎琴滑奏過的樂音,浪漫音樂)

  • A: Nice to meet you.

    Anna :很高興認識你

  • D: Uh, if you could just hang out here, uh, we're gonna get to you in a second.

    Dick :額你可以在那裡等一下嗎?等等就叫到你

  • A: Okcool D: Alright

    Anna :好... Dick :很好

  • [Sexy music as she checks out his butt]

    (當她打量他的臀部時,性感音樂奏起)

  • D: All good, I'm on my way

    Dick :沒事的,我這就來

  • -Good night! -Bye, thank you.

    -晚安! -再見,謝謝你

  • D: Oh, by- hey!

    Dick : 噢,再——嘿!

  • -Great job today. -Thank you!

    -今天做得很好 -謝謝你!

  • Do you think you might want to work the show again?

    你考慮再繼續合作嗎?

  • I loved working background.

    我很愛做場佈

  • I was buying my groceries at the 99-cent store to supplement Costco mac and cheese packs my parents had bought me.

    我那時候只能從便宜雜貨店購物,還有仰賴父母買給我的 Costco 起司卷心麵過活

  • I wanted all the work and free hot meals I could get.

    我想盡可能工作,還有享受工作場所提供的免費熱食

  • Dick asked for my number so he could book me directly, and every week, he called me in for work.

    Dick 和我要電話,這樣他就能直接委派工作給我。每個禮拜,他都把我叫去工作

  • I loved it. And then one day, when I was signing out

    我開心極了。然後有一天,當我在簽退時...

  • [Sparks sound]

    (火花聲)

  • I hadn't known this was on the table; if he was flirting that meant I could now relentlessly pursue him.

    我不知道他是不是故意的,但要是他真的在和我調情,表示我可以開始瘋狂追求他了

  • It didn't take long before I was bombarding Dick with messages.

    過不了多久我開始用許多訊息轟炸 Dick

  • [Message sending sound]

    (訊息傳送提示音)

  • And imagining what his butt looked like underneath those baggy cargo pants.

    我開始幻想在那條鬆垮褲子的底下他的屁股長怎樣

  • -And then I found out... - "My brother died."

    -接下來發生了這件事... -我的兄弟過世了

  • -I'm sorry. -And since I had lost a sister as well, my delusional self

    -我很遺憾。-因為我有個姐妹也過世了,我的白日夢大頭

  • immediately created an entire romance novel starring us.

    馬上開始幻想一部我們主演的羅曼史小說

  • Two survivors, we were meant to be together. We would

    兩個生還者,我們註定要在一起。我們會...

  • Help each other heal.

    幫彼此療傷

  • In my head, we had an insanely deep connection.

    在我腦袋深處,我們有超乎想像的連結

  • that no one else could comprehend.

    沒有任何人得以拆散

  • We shared a mutual grief

    我們有同樣的悲傷

  • and understanding of mortality and

    我們熟知命運以及...

  • [Romantic strings]

    (浪漫聲調)

  • death.

    死亡

  • I was an insane person. From that point on I bugged Dick a lot.

    我窮追不捨,從那一刻開始我密切注意 Dick

  • [Voices offscreen]

    (畫面以外的聲響)

  • Finally, he caved.

    終於,他買帳了

  • Over dinner, I learned he liked to meditate, loved the outdoors

    用餐時,我得知他喜歡冥想,喜愛戶外活動

  • -and he said, - "I don't believe in monogamy."

    -然後他說... -我不相信一夫一妻制

  • I asked him to elaborate...

    我要他解釋為什麼...

  • It's an outdated concept that no man could possibly uphold.

    這是個過時的概念,沒有任何男人能夠堅持的

  • I, like most hopelessly infatuated idiots, just figured; he hadn't met the right person yet.

    我,就像其他熱戀中無可救藥的傻子一樣,單純認為他只是還沒遇到對的人

  • Dick and I dated for a year and a half, and every three months, he would cheat on me.

    Dick 跟我交往了一年半,每三個月他就會劈腿一次

  • [Knocking on door]

    (敲門聲)

  • Every three months, he would admit his infidelity, and say he was sorry.

    每三個月,他就會來坦誠他的不忠,然後跟我道歉

  • He blamed his behaviour on his brother's suicide, saying it had left him broken and damaged.

    他把他的行為歸咎到他兄弟自殺的事,說那件事對他打擊極大

  • I told myself I understood the whole self sabotage thing, and instead of walking away

    我告訴自己我了解整件事只是在自虐,但我並沒有離開...

  • …I found out his phone's passcode. I would wait until he fell asleep and whore over his messages.

    我破解了他的手機密碼。我會等他睡著了再偷看他的聊天記錄

  • He would get mad that I violated his privacy, and the cycle would repeat.

    他會因為我侵犯隱私而抓狂,這樣的流程還會再發生

  • Despite these very clear red flags, we stayed together,

    儘管有這些征兆,我們還是在一起

  • during which time

    在那期間

  • I got pregnant.

    我懷孕了

  • I wasn't great at taking the pill.

    我不是很擅長定時吃避孕藥

  • I was working four jobs, attending comedy, and acting classes and filming videos every week.

    我有四份工作,每週還要參加話劇、表演課程還有錄影

  • I would go to sleep late and wake up early, often forgetting to take the pill. But whatever, right?

    我晚睡早起,經常忘了吃藥。但有什麼大不了的?

  • I wasn't going to get pregnant. I'd already lost my sister; surely the universe would give me a break.

    我才不會懷孕。我都已經死了姐妹,這個世界應該會待我和善一點

  • Then one morning, my nipples felt weird.

    但是一天早上,我的乳頭感覺怪怪的

  • [Shower turns on]

    (蓮蓬頭開啟的聲音)

  • I knew instantly.

    我馬上就知道了

  • [Upbeat music]

    (輕快的音樂)

  • Smiley face? Smiley face. Smiley fucking face.

    笑臉?大笑臉。去他的該死笑臉

  • -What is this?

    Dick :這啥?

  • This is not a great time for me to have kids, right, and you should be older,

    我現在還不是有小孩的時候,而你也應該等年紀再大一點

  • you don't wanna have a baby! You should be much older.

    你不會想要小孩!你年紀應該還要再大一點

  • Hey, look. You should probably have a baby with another guy.

    嘿,聽著,你應該和別的男人生小孩

  • Seriously. He told me I should probably have a baby with another guy.

    認真的。他竟然跟我說我應該和別的男人生小孩

  • You have to get an abortion.

    你要去墮胎

  • Are we not even gonna have a conversation about this?

    我們甚至不先討論一下嗎?

  • What conversation?

    有什麼好討論的?

  • I'm not gonna go have an abortion without at least, like, talking thr-

    我才不會沒有好好談過,就去墮...

  • [Abrupt silence, then sad music which continues under this section]

    (突然的沉寂,接下來都是悲傷的音樂)

  • I had spent years secretly judging my friends for getting abortions.

    過去幾年,我都會私底下議論我墮胎過的朋友

  • How could they destroy a life like that?

    她們怎麼可以就那樣毀了一條生命?

  • I thought of them as selfish human beings who killed something that never stood a chance.

    我把她們想成是自私的人類,不給任何機會就把胎兒殺掉

  • The view was great from that high ass horse.

    沒輪到自己當然好說

  • But of course, when it happens to you, you go through the same reality check.

    不過當然的,當事情降臨到自己身上,就會必須經過同樣的事實評估

  • Am I ready to be a mom? No.

    我準備好要當母親了嗎?不

  • Is Dick ready to be a dad? No.

    Dick 準備好要當父親了嗎?不

  • Do I have the financial means to support a child?

    我的經濟能力足夠養育一個小孩嗎?

  • No, I can barely afford to feed my three cats.

    才怪,我連自己的三隻貓都快養不起

  • I eventually came to the same conclusion as Dick.

    我漸漸同意 Dick 的決定

  • They told me I was only seven days pregnant.

    他們告訴我我才懷孕七天

  • The doctor was very impressed when I told him my clairvoyant nipples story.

    當我和醫生說我的乳頭預知故事時,他感到印象深刻

  • I am very impressed with your clairvoyant nipples story.

    你的故事讓我印象深刻

  • Thank you.

    Anna :謝謝

  • You're welcome.

    醫生:不客氣

  • And I was given an abortion pill.

    然後我拿到了一顆墮胎藥

  • What the doctor didn't tell me about the pill, is that it makes you nauseous.

    醫生沒告訴我的是,墮胎藥會讓人噁心

  • [Sound of Anna throwing up]

    (嘔吐聲)

  • It's okay, um, I'm pregnant.

    沒事的,只是我懷孕了

  • [Piano music, gasps]

    (鋼琴聲,驚呼聲)

  • I'll admit that I liked being thought of as pregnant.

    我必須承認我喜歡被認為懷孕了

  • It made me want to walk around with a pregnant belly and see how I would be treated.

    我會想挺著懷孕的大肚皮到處走,看他人會有什麼反應

  • All the doors that would be opened for me.

    想想我會得到多少善意

  • Perhaps, people would even offer to buy me something to eat.

    或許,人們還會願意請我吃東西

  • I imagined being nine months pregnant and raising a child.

    我想象自己懷胎九月然後養育一個孩子

  • But, there was one thing I wanted in order to go down that path.

    但是,要達到那樣我還少了一樣東西

  • Someone who truly loved me.

    一個真心愛我的人

  • I knew then that I wanted to be a mom, but this wasn't the time.

    在那時候我就知道我想成為一個母親,但不是現在

  • If I bring a child into the world,

    如果我讓一位孩子誕生於世

  • I want to be able to give him or her all of my love and attention.

    我希望能給與他或她我所有的愛和關懷

  • I want to be in a relationship where the child is wanted.

    我希望擁有一段雙方都想要孩子的關係

  • [Water running]

    (水流聲)

  • I bled and cried and cramped for three hours.

    在那三個小時,我流血、哭泣、痙攣

  • I wondered if I was doing the right thing, if this was murder.

    我納悶我是做的對不對,那是不是謀殺

  • If I was a bad person.

    我是不是壞人

  • I vowed I would never go through that shit again.

    我發誓我不會再重蹈覆轍

  • The next time I got pregnant, it would be when I was ready.

    等我下次懷孕,就會是我准備好時

  • [Anna sighs, bell sound]

    ( 歎氣,電話響起)

  • [Message sound]

    (訊息通知聲)

  • Baby, have you thought about how you want to pay me back for your half of the abortion?

    寶貝,妳想好要怎麼還我另外一半的墮胎費用了嗎?

  • I wish I could say that Dick and I broke up after this, but we didn't.

    我希望我能說那之後我和 Dick 就分手了,但是我們沒有

  • I still thought Dick was my spiritual soulmate;

    我仍然認為 Dick 就是我的靈魂伴侶

  • that he was the only person who could possibly understand what I had been through, and vice versa.

    認為他就是那個唯一能夠了解我的經歷的人,反之亦然

  • I liked the way he smelled, and the color of his eyes, and that he took me to Buddhist meditation sessions.

    我喜歡他的體味,他眼睛的顏色,還有當他帶我去佛教冥想課程時

  • He's the reason I went on a week-long silent meditation retreat.

    他是我之所以願意進行一個禮拜安靜冥想的原因

  • I spent seven grueling days sitting with myself, walking with myself, and living with myself.

    我度過了七天疲勞的日子,就只是獨身一人坐著、走路、生活

  • On the last day of the retreat, we all had to go around and say one word that summed up our experience.

    在最後一天,我們必須輪流分享覺得能夠總結我們這次經驗的一個字

  • Love.

  • Whole.

    整體

  • Discovery.

    探索

  • Super-cali-fragilistic-expialidocious.

    超級酷斃宇宙世界霹靂無敵棒(出自音樂劇《歡樂滿人間》)

  • [Laughter]

    (笑聲)

  • And it clicked.

    這就是了

  • This is me,

    這就是我

  • I'm a person who makes other people laugh.

    我是為他人帶來歡笑的人

  • I felt peaceful, and I loved myself without shame, or neuroses, or arrogance.

    我感到平和,我無所掛礙、毫無保留地愛自己

  • And when I was having the most revealing, vulnerable, self-loving moment of my life,

    而當我正經歷我人生中最開放、脆弱、自愛的時刻時

  • Dick was sticking his dick in someone else.

    Dick 正把他的老二(dick)插到別人身體裡

  • So when he showed up at my door crying and begging for forgiveness,

    所以當他來到我的門前哭泣,乞求我原諒時

  • I finally thought, fuck this guy.

    我終於想通了,管他去死

  • Out in the desert, I'd finally found some self-respect.

    在一片荒漠中,我終於找回了自尊

  • And I haven't been pregnant since.

    從那時起我就沒再意外懷孕了

[Dripping tap, buzzing sound]

(滴水聲,嗡嗡聲)

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感情世界的自我矛盾 (Take Your Birth Control)

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    Howard Lin 發佈於 2018 年 03 月 31 日
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