When I got pregnant, I was young, broke and dating this guy that we'll call Dick.

當我懷孕時，我還年輕而且很窮，正在跟一個叫 Dick 的傢伙約會

[Sound of him patting her thigh, white noise]

(他拍拍她大腿的聲音)

I met Dick while working on a TV show. I was a background artist,

我在一個電視節目工作時認識了 Dick 。當時我是個場佈美術

and I remember walking on to the studio lot and feeling awestruck.

我還記得走進片場時感受到的震撼

I'd watch actors take their mark, and directors call "action."

我看著演員就定位，然後導演會喊「開拍」

I had left the soul-sucking classrooms of Community College behind, and walked onto a living, breathing, filming set.

社區大學枯燥乏人的教室已經被我拋諸腦後，我現在可是走入了眼前生氣蓬勃的電影片場

A: Hi, hi. I'm here for background. I'm so sorry I'm late.

Anna ： 嗨，我是負責場佈的。很抱歉我遲到了

D: All good. I'm Dick.

Dick ：沒事的。我叫 Dick

A: Oh, hi. Anna.

Anna ：噢，你好。我是 Anna

[Harp glissando, romantic music]

(豎琴滑奏過的樂音，浪漫音樂)

A: Nice to meet you.

Anna ：很高興認識你

D: Uh, if you could just hang out here, uh, we're gonna get to you in a second.

Dick ：額你可以在那裡等一下嗎？等等就叫到你

A: Ok…cool D: Alright

Anna ：好... Dick ：很好

[Sexy music as she checks out his butt]

(當她打量他的臀部時，性感音樂奏起)

D: All good, I'm on my way

Dick ：沒事的，我這就來

-Good night! -Bye, thank you.

-晚安！ -再見，謝謝你

D: Oh, by- hey!

Dick ： 噢，再——嘿！

-Great job today. -Thank you!

-今天做得很好 -謝謝你！

Do you think you might want to work the show again?

你考慮再繼續合作嗎？

I loved working background.

我很愛做場佈

I was buying my groceries at the 99-cent store to supplement Costco mac and cheese packs my parents had bought me.

我那時候只能從便宜雜貨店購物，還有仰賴父母買給我的 Costco 起司卷心麵過活

I wanted all the work and free hot meals I could get.

我想盡可能工作，還有享受工作場所提供的免費熱食

Dick asked for my number so he could book me directly, and every week, he called me in for work.

Dick 和我要電話，這樣他就能直接委派工作給我。每個禮拜，他都把我叫去工作

I loved it. And then one day, when I was signing out…

我開心極了。然後有一天，當我在簽退時...

[Sparks sound]

(火花聲)

I hadn't known this was on the table; if he was flirting that meant I could now relentlessly pursue him.

我不知道他是不是故意的，但要是他真的在和我調情，表示我可以開始瘋狂追求他了

It didn't take long before I was bombarding Dick with messages.

過不了多久我開始用許多訊息轟炸 Dick

[Message sending sound]

(訊息傳送提示音)

And imagining what his butt looked like underneath those baggy cargo pants.

我開始幻想在那條鬆垮褲子的底下他的屁股長怎樣

-And then I found out... - "My brother died."

-接下來發生了這件事... -我的兄弟過世了

-I'm sorry. -And since I had lost a sister as well, my delusional self

-我很遺憾。-因為我有個姐妹也過世了，我的白日夢大頭

immediately created an entire romance novel starring us.

馬上開始幻想一部我們主演的羅曼史小說

Two survivors, we were meant to be together. We would

兩個生還者，我們註定要在一起。我們會...

Help each other heal.

幫彼此療傷

In my head, we had an insanely deep connection.

在我腦袋深處，我們有超乎想像的連結

that no one else could comprehend.

沒有任何人得以拆散

We shared a mutual grief

我們有同樣的悲傷

and understanding of mortality and…

我們熟知命運以及...

[Romantic strings]

(浪漫聲調)

…death.

死亡

I was an insane person. From that point on I bugged Dick a lot.

我窮追不捨，從那一刻開始我密切注意 Dick

[Voices offscreen]

(畫面以外的聲響)

Finally, he caved.

終於，他買帳了

Over dinner, I learned he liked to meditate, loved the outdoors

用餐時，我得知他喜歡冥想，喜愛戶外活動

-and he said, - "I don't believe in monogamy."

-然後他說... -我不相信一夫一妻制

I asked him to elaborate...

我要他解釋為什麼...

It's an outdated concept that no man could possibly uphold.

這是個過時的概念，沒有任何男人能夠堅持的

I, like most hopelessly infatuated idiots, just figured; he hadn't met the right person yet.

我，就像其他熱戀中無可救藥的傻子一樣，單純認為他只是還沒遇到對的人

Dick and I dated for a year and a half, and every three months, he would cheat on me.

Dick 跟我交往了一年半，每三個月他就會劈腿一次

[Knocking on door]

(敲門聲)

Every three months, he would admit his infidelity, and say he was sorry.

每三個月，他就會來坦誠他的不忠，然後跟我道歉

He blamed his behaviour on his brother's suicide, saying it had left him broken and damaged.

他把他的行為歸咎到他兄弟自殺的事，說那件事對他打擊極大

I told myself I understood the whole self sabotage thing, and instead of walking away…

我告訴自己我了解整件事只是在自虐，但我並沒有離開...

…I found out his phone's passcode. I would wait until he fell asleep and whore over his messages.

我破解了他的手機密碼。我會等他睡著了再偷看他的聊天記錄

He would get mad that I violated his privacy, and the cycle would repeat.

他會因為我侵犯隱私而抓狂，這樣的流程還會再發生

Despite these very clear red flags, we stayed together,

儘管有這些征兆，我們還是在一起

during which time

在那期間

I got pregnant.

我懷孕了

I wasn't great at taking the pill.

我不是很擅長定時吃避孕藥

I was working four jobs, attending comedy, and acting classes and filming videos every week.

我有四份工作，每週還要參加話劇、表演課程還有錄影

I would go to sleep late and wake up early, often forgetting to take the pill. But whatever, right?

我晚睡早起，經常忘了吃藥。但有什麼大不了的？

I wasn't going to get pregnant. I'd already lost my sister; surely the universe would give me a break.

我才不會懷孕。我都已經死了姐妹，這個世界應該會待我和善一點

Then one morning, my nipples felt weird.

但是一天早上，我的乳頭感覺怪怪的

[Shower turns on]

(蓮蓬頭開啟的聲音)

I knew instantly.

我馬上就知道了

[Upbeat music]

(輕快的音樂)

Smiley face? Smiley face. Smiley fucking face.

笑臉？大笑臉。去他的該死笑臉

-What is this?

Dick ：這啥？

This is not a great time for me to have kids, right, and you should be older,

我現在還不是有小孩的時候，而你也應該等年紀再大一點

you don't wanna have a baby! You should be much older.

你不會想要小孩！你年紀應該還要再大一點

Hey, look. You should probably have a baby with another guy.

嘿，聽著，你應該和別的男人生小孩

Seriously. He told me I should probably have a baby with another guy.

認真的。他竟然跟我說我應該和別的男人生小孩

You have to get an abortion.

你要去墮胎

Are we not even gonna have a conversation about this?

我們甚至不先討論一下嗎？

What conversation?

有什麼好討論的？

I'm not gonna go have an abortion without at least, like, talking thr-

我才不會沒有好好談過，就去墮...

[Abrupt silence, then sad music which continues under this section]

(突然的沉寂，接下來都是悲傷的音樂)

I had spent years secretly judging my friends for getting abortions.

過去幾年，我都會私底下議論我墮胎過的朋友

How could they destroy a life like that?

她們怎麼可以就那樣毀了一條生命？

I thought of them as selfish human beings who killed something that never stood a chance.

我把她們想成是自私的人類，不給任何機會就把胎兒殺掉

The view was great from that high ass horse.

沒輪到自己當然好說

But of course, when it happens to you, you go through the same reality check.

不過當然的，當事情降臨到自己身上，就會必須經過同樣的事實評估

Am I ready to be a mom? No.

我準備好要當母親了嗎？不

Is Dick ready to be a dad? No.

Dick 準備好要當父親了嗎？不

Do I have the financial means to support a child?

我的經濟能力足夠養育一個小孩嗎？

No, I can barely afford to feed my three cats.

才怪，我連自己的三隻貓都快養不起

I eventually came to the same conclusion as Dick.

我漸漸同意 Dick 的決定

They told me I was only seven days pregnant.

他們告訴我我才懷孕七天

The doctor was very impressed when I told him my clairvoyant nipples story.

當我和醫生說我的乳頭預知故事時，他感到印象深刻

I am very impressed with your clairvoyant nipples story.

你的故事讓我印象深刻

Thank you.

Anna ：謝謝

You're welcome.

醫生：不客氣

And I was given an abortion pill.

然後我拿到了一顆墮胎藥

What the doctor didn't tell me about the pill, is that it makes you nauseous.

醫生沒告訴我的是，墮胎藥會讓人噁心

[Sound of Anna throwing up]

(嘔吐聲)

It's okay, um, I'm pregnant.

沒事的，只是我懷孕了

[Piano music, gasps]

(鋼琴聲，驚呼聲)

I'll admit that I liked being thought of as pregnant.

我必須承認我喜歡被認為懷孕了

It made me want to walk around with a pregnant belly and see how I would be treated.

我會想挺著懷孕的大肚皮到處走，看他人會有什麼反應

All the doors that would be opened for me.

想想我會得到多少善意

Perhaps, people would even offer to buy me something to eat.

或許，人們還會願意請我吃東西

I imagined being nine months pregnant and raising a child.

我想象自己懷胎九月然後養育一個孩子

But, there was one thing I wanted in order to go down that path.

但是，要達到那樣我還少了一樣東西

Someone who truly loved me.

一個真心愛我的人

I knew then that I wanted to be a mom, but this wasn't the time.

在那時候我就知道我想成為一個母親，但不是現在

If I bring a child into the world,

如果我讓一位孩子誕生於世

I want to be able to give him or her all of my love and attention.

我希望能給與他或她我所有的愛和關懷

I want to be in a relationship where the child is wanted.

我希望擁有一段雙方都想要孩子的關係

[Water running]

(水流聲)

I bled and cried and cramped for three hours.

在那三個小時，我流血、哭泣、痙攣

I wondered if I was doing the right thing, if this was murder.

我納悶我是做的對不對，那是不是謀殺

If I was a bad person.

我是不是壞人

I vowed I would never go through that shit again.

我發誓我不會再重蹈覆轍

The next time I got pregnant, it would be when I was ready.

等我下次懷孕，就會是我准備好時

[Anna sighs, bell sound]

( 歎氣，電話響起)

[Message sound]

(訊息通知聲)

Baby, have you thought about how you want to pay me back for your half of the abortion?

寶貝，妳想好要怎麼還我另外一半的墮胎費用了嗎？

I wish I could say that Dick and I broke up after this, but we didn't.

我希望我能說那之後我和 Dick 就分手了，但是我們沒有

I still thought Dick was my spiritual soulmate;

我仍然認為 Dick 就是我的靈魂伴侶

that he was the only person who could possibly understand what I had been through, and vice versa.

認為他就是那個唯一能夠了解我的經歷的人，反之亦然

I liked the way he smelled, and the color of his eyes, and that he took me to Buddhist meditation sessions.

我喜歡他的體味，他眼睛的顏色，還有當他帶我去佛教冥想課程時

He's the reason I went on a week-long silent meditation retreat.

他是我之所以願意進行一個禮拜安靜冥想的原因

I spent seven grueling days sitting with myself, walking with myself, and living with myself.

我度過了七天疲勞的日子，就只是獨身一人坐著、走路、生活

On the last day of the retreat, we all had to go around and say one word that summed up our experience.

在最後一天，我們必須輪流分享覺得能夠總結我們這次經驗的一個字

Love.

愛

Whole.

整體

Discovery.

探索

Super-cali-fragilistic-expialidocious.

超級酷斃宇宙世界霹靂無敵棒（出自音樂劇《歡樂滿人間》）

[Laughter]

(笑聲)

And it clicked.

這就是了

This is me,

這就是我

I'm a person who makes other people laugh.

我是為他人帶來歡笑的人

I felt peaceful, and I loved myself without shame, or neuroses, or arrogance.

我感到平和，我無所掛礙、毫無保留地愛自己

And when I was having the most revealing, vulnerable, self-loving moment of my life,

而當我正經歷我人生中最開放、脆弱、自愛的時刻時

Dick was sticking his dick in someone else.

Dick 正把他的老二（dick）插到別人身體裡

So when he showed up at my door crying and begging for forgiveness,

所以當他來到我的門前哭泣，乞求我原諒時

I finally thought, fuck this guy.

我終於想通了，管他去死

Out in the desert, I'd finally found some self-respect.

在一片荒漠中，我終於找回了自尊

And I haven't been pregnant since.

從那時起我就沒再意外懷孕了