I came downstairs to the kitchen, where my mother was washing the dishes

在九月十日, 我七歲生日的那個早上

and my father was reading the paper or something,

我從樓上走到廚房, 我媽媽在那裡洗著盤子

and I sort of presented myself to them in the doorway, and they said,

我爸爸在讀著好像是報紙之類的東西,

"Hey, happy birthday!" And I said, "I'm seven."

我故意的在門前讓他們看到我, 接著他們說:

And my father smiled and said,

『嘿, 生日快樂!』 我說: 『我七歲了！』

"Well, you know what that means, don't you?"

我爸爸笑著說:

And I said, "Yeah, that I'm going to have a party

『你知道這代表什麼嗎?』

and a cake and get a lot of presents?"

我說: 『對, 我會有個生日派對和生日蛋糕！

And my dad said, "Well, yes.

還有許多禮物！』我爸爸說: 『唔, 對！

But more importantly,

但, 更重要的是, 七歲代表你已經到可以「明白事理」的年紀了,

being seven means that you've reached the age of reason,

你現在已經可以有能力去犯所有對神、人的罪惡了。』

and you're now capable of committing any and all sins against God and man."

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

其實我之前就聽「明白事理的年紀」這句話

Now, I had heard this phrase, "age of reason," before.

Mary Kevin修女已經在我二年級時

Sister Mary Kevin had been bandying it about

說過這字眼，但當她說的時候

my second-grade class at school.

這字眼好像只讓我們興奮的準備

But when she said it,

我們將有的第一次的宗教交流和告解，

the phrase seemed all caught up in the excitement of preparations

我們還以為這些都只是跟白裙和白面紗有關的，

for our first communion and our first confession,

我其實並不是太在意那句: 「明白事理的年紀」

and everybody knew that was really all about the white dress

於是, 我說:『 好, 對, 明白事理的年紀, 究竟意思是什麼?』

and the white veil.

我爸爸接著說: 『對, 我們都相信天主教

And anyway, I hadn't really paid all that much attention

神知道小孩子並不太明白對和錯分別，

to that phrase, "age of reason."

但當你到了七歲, 你應該可以理解對和錯的分別。

So, I said, "Yeah, yeah, age of reason. What does that mean again?"

所以, 你長大了, 也到了明白事理的年紀, 現在

And my dad said, "Well, we believe, in the Catholic Church,

神會開始紀錄你所作的事, 並且會永遠保存下來』

that God knows that little kids don't know the difference between right and wrong,

笑聲

but when you're seven, you're old enough to know better.

我說:『 等等, 你的意思是, 今天以前的所有時間，

So, you've grown up and reached the age of reason,

以前我做過好的事, 神都沒有留意得到?』

and now God will start keeping notes on you,

接著我媽媽說: 『對, 但我有留意的』

and begin your permanent record."

(笑聲)

(Laughter)

我在想: 『為什麼我之前不知道這情況?

And I said, "Oh ...

為什麼當他們告訴我的時候, 我一直沒有掌握到？

Wait a minute.

原來我所作的好事, 並沒有真正的奬賞。

You mean all that time, up till today,

可是, 最糟的是, 為什麼我一直沒有發現這個重要的訊息

all that time I was so good, God didn't notice it?"

直到這天, 知道這訊息已經對我毫無用處了。』

And my mom said, "Well, I noticed it."

我說, 『好吧, 爸媽, 那聖誕老人又怎樣?

(Laughter)

我是說, 聖誕老人會知道你是乖不乖, 對嗎?』

And I thought, "How could I not have known this before?

我爸爸說: 『對, 但親愛的

How could it not have sunk in when they'd been telling me?

我想這只是感恩節跟聖誕節的技術上分別。』

All that being good and no real credit for it.

跟著我媽媽說: 『噢, 巴比, 停吧, 直接告訴她吧

And worst of all, how could I not have realized

她已經七歲了, Julie, 聖誕老人不存在的。』

this very important information

(笑聲)

until the very day that it was basically useless to me?"

直到這裡, 我都還可以接受

So I said, "Well, Mom and Dad, what about Santa Claus?

我的父母曾用心的演繹了整個聖誕老人的故事：

I mean, Santa Claus knows if you're naughty or nice, right?"

他們曾經跟聖誕老人討論, 以及得到他的同意

And my dad said, "Yeah, but, honey,

為什麼聖誕老人不直接在聖誕夜把禮物送來，

I think that's technically just between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

就好像他為其他家庭所做的

And my mother said, "Oh, Bob, stop it. Let's just tell her. I mean, she's seven.

他們在聖誕早上起來的時候, 便已經收到了禮物的驚喜，

Julie, there is no Santa Claus."

可是我們的家卻給聖誕老人多一點時間。

(Laughter)

如果我們的小朋友在聖誕早上九時彌撒的時候, 沒有頑皮,

Now, this was actually not that upsetting to me.

聖誕老人才會早上到我們的家放下禮物。

My parents had this whole elaborate story about Santa Claus:

這個令我很疑惑。

how they had talked to Santa Claus himself and agreed

這很明顯是我爸媽他們給我的禮物。

that instead of Santa delivering our presents

我發現, 我爸爸有一種十分奇怪的包禮物方法，

over the night of Christmas Eve,

而我媽媽的筆跡卻跟聖誕老人非常近似。

like he did for every other family who got to open their surprises

還有, 為什麼聖誕老人還有時候走到別人的家之後

first thing Christmas morning,

還會折返到我們家？

our family would give Santa more time.

在這一大堆證據之下, 只有一個解釋

Santa would come to our house while we were at nine o'clock high mass

就是我們的家太奇怪, 太怪異了

on Christmas morning, but only if all of us kids did not make a fuss.

所以聖誕老人才不來，

Which made me very suspicious.

而我可憐的父母, 為了不想我們這怪異家庭

It was pretty obvious that it was really our parents giving us the presents.

因為被快樂的聖誕老人拒絕而太尷尬的。

I mean, my dad had a very distinctive wrapping style,

但, 讓我們坦承吧, 他實在是太判定了！

and my mother's handwriting was so close to Santa's.

所以, 去發現這世界沒有聖誕老人, 也許也是一種解脫。

(Laughter)

當我離開廚房的時候,我的確對聖誕老人感到驚奇，

Plus, why would Santa save time by having to loop back

但其實是有點兒驚呆

to our house after he'd gone to everybody else's?

為什麼我錯過了那段還沒有到了明白事理的年齡。

There was only one obvious conclusion to reach from this mountain of evidence:

對我來說, 這已經是太遲了。但我仍可以幫助其他人

our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit,

有人應該可以用這個資料的。

and my poor parents were trying to protect us from the embarrassment,

但他們需要符合兩個條件:

this humiliation of rejection by Santa, who was jolly --

他們要長大得足夠去明白

but let's face it, he was also very judgmental.

整個明白事理的年齡的概念, 而又未到七歲。

So to find out that there was no Santa Claus at all

答案好明顯: 我的弟弟Bill, 他現在六歲。

was actually sort of a relief.

好了, 我在家附近的學校遊樂場找到Bill

I left the kitchen not really in shock about Santa,

這是星期六，

but rather, I was just dumbfounded

他只是一個人, 對著牆邊在踢球。

about how I could have missed this whole age of reason thing.

我跑上去大叫: 『Bill!

It was too late for me, but maybe I could help someone else,

我剛剛發現, 當你七歲之後, 你便進了明白事理的年齡，

someone who could use the information.

你便會有能力對神或是對人犯罪。』

They had to fit two criteria:

Bill 說:『 那又怎樣? 』我說：

they had to be old enough to be able to understand

『你只有六歲, 你還有一年的時間做所有你想做的事

the whole concept of the age of reason, and not yet seven.

而神是不會跟你算賬的。』他又說: 『那又怎樣?』

The answer was clear: my brother Bill. He was six.

我說：『你這什麼態度! 』我轉身想走, 我實在對他很憤怒

Well, I finally found Bill

但當我準備起步時候, 我又戲劇性地回頭

about a block away from our house at this public school playground.

接著說: 『還有, Bill, 世界上根本沒聖誕老人。』

It was a Saturday, and he was all by himself,

(笑聲)

just kicking a ball against the side of a wall.

好了, 我當時不知道

I ran up to him and said, "Bill!

但我並沒有真正在九月十日那天，踏進七歲的年紀。

I just realized that the age of reason starts when you turn seven,

在我十三歲的生日, 我正準備跟我的女朋友開一個通宵派對，

and then you're capable of committing any and all sins

在派對前的數個星期, 我媽媽忽然把我叫到一旁然後說:

against God and man."

『我需要跟你私下說清楚。

And Bill said, "So?"

九月十日不是你是生日, 你應該是十月十月生日的。』 我大叫:『 什麼?

And I said, "So, you're six.

(笑聲)

You have a whole year to do anything you want to and God won't notice it."

她說: 『聽著, 因為九月十五日出生是報讀幼稚園的分界線。』

And he said, "So?"

(笑聲)

And I said, "So? So everything!"

所以, 我告訴他們你的生日是在九月十日』

And I turned to run. I was so angry with him.

我又怕你會到處跟別人亂說，

But when I got to the top of the steps,

所以我便告訴你, 你的生日是九月十日。

I turned around dramatically and said,

但, 茱莉, 你當時已經準備好可以上學了, 親愛的

"Oh, by the way, Bill -- there is no Santa Claus."

我曾經想過, 當我四歲的時候

(Laughter)

我已經是四個孩子之中最大的

Now, I didn't know it at the time,

我媽媽還有一個在肚裡準備出世，

but I really wasn't turning seven on September 10th.

所以她情有可原的認為她已經準備好讓我上學，

For my 13th birthday,

她是如此的準備好。接下她說:

I planned a slumber party with all of my girlfriends,

『茱莉, 不用擔心, 我保証, 其實在每年的十月十日你生日的日子

but a couple of weeks beforehand my mother took me aside and said,

但你還忘記的時候, 我保証

"I need to speak to you privately.

你那天都有吃一塊蛋糕的。』

September 10th is not your birthday. It's October 10th."

(笑聲)

And I said, "What?"

還真欣慰喔, 但卻也讓人困擾。

(Laughter)

我媽媽竟然跟我, 暗暗地慶祝我的生日。

And she said ...

我對這項新的資料實在感到很困惑

(Laughter)

這困惑不是因為要跟我的女朋友更改我們

"Listen. The cut-off date to start kindergarten was September 15th."

通宵派對的日子，

(Laughter)

最困惑的, 是這代表我竟然不是處女座。

"So I told them that your birthday was September 10th,

我的睡房掛了一張好大的處女座海報，

and then I wasn't sure

我每天閱讀星座運勢, 明明就超準的!

that you weren't just going to go blab it all over the place,

(笑聲)

so I started to tell you your birthday was September 10th.

但我原來是天秤座？

But, Julie, you were so ready to start school, honey. You were so ready."

於是, 我搭公車到市中心買了張新的天秤座海報。

I thought about it, and when I was four,

那張處女座的海報有一幅很漂亮的長髮女人的圖畫，

I was already the oldest of four children,

慵懶的躺在水邊，

and my mother even had another child to come,

但那個天秤座海報卻只是一只大天秤。

so what I think she -- understandably -- really meant

這個時候, 我也是剛開始長胖的時候，

was that she was so ready, she was so ready.

但我卻比起其他女孩長得較胖，

Then she said, "Don't worry, Julie.

坦白說的, 那個星座的標誌是一只大天秤

Every year on October 10th,

實在有點不吉祥及令人感到難受。

when it was your birthday but you didn't realize it,

(笑聲)

I made sure that you ate a piece of cake that day."

但我也貼了這新的天秤座海報，

(Laughter)

於是, 我開始去閱讀我的天秤座星座運程，

Which was comforting, but troubling.

我又吃驚的發現, 運勢所說的, 也是超準的!

My mother had been celebrating my birthday with me, without me.

直到數年前, 當我回想起

(Laughter)

這整個「明白事理的年紀」和「改變出生日期」的這些事，

What was so upsetting about this new piece of information

我才領悟到, 原來那時我還沒有到七歲

was not that I had to change the date of my slumber party

當我以為我已經七歲的時候, 我還有一整個月

with all of my girlfriends.

在神沒有把我的行為記帳之前, 我還可以做任何我想做的事。

What was most upsetting was that this meant I was not a Virgo.

唉, 生命實在是太殘忍了！

I had a huge Virgo poster in my bedroom.

有一天, 有兩個摩門教的傳教士來敲我的門。

And I read my horoscope every single day,

那時我剛好住在洛杉機的大道上，

and it was so totally me.

而我的住處, 剛好是整個區的開始

(Laughter)

特別為那些逐家逐戶拍門兜售的人來說。

And this meant that I was a Libra?

有時有些基督教復臨安息日教會的老女士會走過來

So, I took the bus downtown to get the new Libra poster.

給我展示那些關於天堂的卡通圖畫。

The Virgo poster is a picture of a beautiful woman with long hair,

有時, 我又會遇到那些承諾不會加入黑社會

sort of lounging by some water,

和偷別人東西的年青人, 除非我願意

but the Libra poster is just a huge scale.

在他們那裡訂雜誌。

This was around the time that I started filling out physically,

所以, 平常我是不會理會那些門鈴的, 但那天我應了門。

and I was filling out a lot more than a lot of the other girls,

我看到門外站著兩個男孩, 大概都是十九歲吧，

and frankly, the whole idea that my astrological sign was a scale

穿著白色的短袖恤衫, 身上都掛有小名牌

just seemed ominous and depressing.

証明他們是基督末世

(Laughter)

聖徒教會的合法代表，

But I got the new Libra poster,

他們說, 他們會傳達一個神的訊息給我

and I started to read my new Libra horoscope,

我說: 『有一個訊息給我? 由神而來? 』 他們說: 『是的』』

and I was astonished to find that it was also totally me.

我在太平洋西北地區長大

(Laughter)

那裡有許多末世聖徒教會的人

It wasn't until years later, looking back

我跟他們一起工作, 甚至跟他們約會過，

on this whole age-of-reason, change-of-birthday thing,

可是我卻從來不知道他們宗教的教義

that it dawned on me:

或是如何對外傳道, 我想, 因為出於一點好奇，

I wasn't turning seven when I thought I turned seven.

於是我說: 『好, 請進來。』 他們看起來很高興，

I had a whole other month

因為我想這應該不常發生在他們身上吧。

to do anything I wanted to before God started keeping tabs on me.

(笑聲)

Oh, life can be so cruel.

我帶他們坐下來, 我還給他們水

One day, two Mormon missionaries came to my door.

好吧, 我明白, 我給了他們兩杯水

Now, I just live off a main thoroughfare in Los Angeles,

別碰頭髮, 就是這問題

and my block is -- well, it's a natural beginning

(笑聲)

for people who are peddling things door to door.

你不能在我面前放著我的錄影

Sometimes I get little old ladies from the Seventh Day Adventist Church

又不讓我整理頭髮吧。

showing me these cartoon pictures of heaven.

(笑聲)

And sometimes I get teenagers who promise me

所以, 我帶他們坐下, 給他們兩杯水

that they won't join a gang and just start robbing people,

在這些禮待之後, 他們說: 『你是否全心的相信神是愛你的?』

if I only buy some magazine subscriptions from them.

我想, 『是, 當然, 我相信神

So normally, I just ignore the doorbell, but on this day, I answered.

但, 你知道嗎, 我並不十分喜歡那個字眼: 全心

And there stood two boys, each about 19, in white, starched short-sleeved shirts,

因為這會把神人性化了，

and they had little name tags

我也不喜歡那個字: 他, 因為這會性別化了神』』

that identified them as official representatives

但我不想去跟他們在字眼的語義上爭辯，

of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

於是, 在一段很長, 很令人不安的停頓之後, 我說

and they said they had a message for me, from God.

『是的, 我是的, 感到非常的被愛』

I said, "A message for me? From God?" And they said, "Yes."

他們互相對視, 然後笑著，

Now, I was raised in the Pacific Northwest,

好像這正是正確的答案, 接著他們說，

around a lot of Church of Latter-day Saints people and, you know,

『你相信我們在這地球全都是兄弟姊妹嗎?』

I've worked with them and even dated them,

我說: 『是, 我相信, 我相信,』 所以我便放心了

but I never really knew the doctrine,

因為這是一條我可以很快答出來的問題。

or what they said to people when they were out on a mission,

他們說: 『好了, 我們有一個故事要告訴你。』

and I guess I was sort of curious, so I said, "Well, please, come in."

於是, 他們告訴了我，關於一個名叫Lehi的男人的故事

And they looked really happy,

他在公元六百年前住在耶路撒冷。

because I don't think this happens to them all that often.

大概是公元前六百年的耶路撒冷，

(Laughter)

每個人都很壞和邪惡, 每一個人:

And I sat them down, and I got them glasses of water --

包括 男人, 女人, 兒童, 嬰兒, 胎兒

Ok, I got it, I got it.

神走去跟Lehi說: 『將你的家人搬上船

I got them glasses of water.

我會帶領你離開這裡。』神果然帶領他們

Don't touch my hair, that's the thing.

他帶了他們到美國』

(Laughter)

我說:『 美國? 在公元前六百年坐船由耶路撒冷到美國?』

You can't put a video of myself in front of me

他們說: 『是的。』

and expect me not to fix my hair.

(笑聲)

Ok.

跟著, 他們告訴我, Lehi 和他的子孫

(Laughter)

繁殖再繁殖, 在這六百年裡

So I sat them down and I got them glasses of water,

變成了兩大民族: Nephites和Lamanites

and after niceties, they said,

Nephites 是完全的好,---他們每一個人都是好人--

"Do you believe that God loves you with all his heart?"

而 Lamanites 是完全壞和邪惡-

And I thought, "Well, of course I believe in God,

每一個人都是壞至透骨。

but you know, I don't like that word 'heart,'

(笑聲)

because it anthropomorphizes God,

跟著, 當耶穌為我們的罪釘在十字架上而死後,

and I don't like the word, 'his,' either, because that sexualizes God."

他升上天堂的過程中, 他停在美國, 探訪了Nephites

But I didn't want to argue semantics with these boys,

(笑聲)

so after a very long, uncomfortable pause, I said,

他告訴他們: 如果他們的每一個人,

"Yes, yes, I do. I feel very loved."

可以保持在完全完全的好--

And they looked at each other and smiled,

他們便會在跟魔鬼Lamanites的戰爭中得到勝利

like that was the right answer.

但明顯的, 有些人搞砸了,

And then they said, "Do you believe

因為Lamanites有能力殺死所有的Nephites。

that we're all brothers and sisters on this planet?"

當中只剩下一個人, 這個人名叫摩門,

And I said, "Yes, I do."

他因為匿藏在叢林之中而僥倖生存。

And I was so relieved that it was a question I could answer so quickly.

他為了保証整個故事能被記錄下來

And they said, "Well, then we have a story to tell you."

他用古埃及的文字寫在金碟上,

And they told me this story all about this guy named Lehi,

然後把那些金碟埋在紐約近Palmyra的地方。

who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BC.

(笑聲)

Now, apparently in Jerusalem in 600 BC, everyone was completely bad and evil.

好了, 我差不多快要從我的椅子跌下來了。

Every single one of them: man, woman, child, infant, fetus.

(笑聲)

And God came to Lehi and said to him,

接下來我問, 『Lamanites發生了什麼事?』

"Put your family on a boat and I will lead you out of here."

他們說: 『他們變成了我們美國的印第安人。』

And God did lead them.

我說, 所說, 『你相信美洲原住民是

He led them to America.

那些完全邪惡的人的後代? 』他們說: 『是的。』

I said, "America?

跟著他們告訴我一個名叫Joseph Smith的男人

(Laughter)

怎樣在他的後園裡發那些埋藏了金碟，

From Jerusalem to America by boat in 600 BC?"

他也在那裡找到一塊魔法石, 當他把魔法石放在他的帽子內

And they said, "Yes."

同時把他的臉埋藏在帽子內的時候, 他便可以

(Laughter)

可以把金碟內的埃及文翻譯成英文。

Then they told me how Lehi and his descendants

在這裡, 我只想給這兩個男孩

reproduced and reproduced, and over the course of 600 years,

關於他們推銷技巧的一些建議。

there were two great races of them, the Nephites and the Lamanites,