I am not even kidding.

我不是在開玩笑

I am not kidding.

我絕對沒在開玩笑

Growing up in the Bronx, big black women, they are my heroes.

我在布朗克斯長大，而神力女黑人對我來說就是英雄

Lot of kids, they worship superheroes.

很多小孩崇拜超級英雄

But I was like...I don't wanna be like a hulk, I don't wanna ever turn into like a big weird green dude.

但對我來說...我才不想當浩克，我才不要變成那又大又怪的綠色傢伙

I wanted to turn into a big black woman because a big black woman doesn't take shit from anybody.

我想變成神力女黑人，因為神力女黑人才不會受任何人的鳥氣

I take it from everybody.

不像我老是受一堆鳥氣

Right, there is a true story.

我要講一個真實故事

Recently, I got shushed at a Barnes & Noble.

最近，我在一間巴諾書店被人噓

Now...

你知道現在...

Barnes & Noble is not a library, people...

各位，Barnes & Noble 不是圖書館好嗎...

It's a store!

它是書店！

Don't let the books throw you!

別讓那一堆堆的書把你唬住了！

This dude sitting there, and he's reading.

有一個傢伙坐在那看書

He started shush me, he's like...(Shush!!)

然後他開始叫我安靜，就像這樣...(噓！！)

(slow blink)

(慢速眨眼)

Then he did that slow blink, you know the slow blink you do to show you are really angry.

然後他就做了那個慢速眨眼，你知道就是那種讓你表現出很生氣的慢速眨眼

Shush!! (small blink)

噓！！(慢速眨眼)

The only thing angrier than the slow blink is the super fast blink.

唯一一個比慢速眨眼看起來還生氣的就是超快速眨眼

(super fast blink)

(超快速眨眼)

So he shushes me, and he slow blinks me.

他噓我，而且他還對我使出慢速眨眼

That was enough!

這真是夠了！

And what did I do?

你知道我怎麼做嗎？

I back down...I back down.

我退縮了...我退縮了

Cuz I was in Clark Kent mode.

因為我正處於 Clark Kent 模式

Who am I kidding, I am not even as cool as Clark Kent.

我想唬弄誰啊我，我甚至不像 Clark Kent 一樣酷

I am like a nebbish Woody Alleny Clark, I was like...

我就像是沒用的伍迪艾倫版的 Clark，我聽起來像是...

(Woody Allen's way of talking) I am terribly sorry to...to disturb you...

(伍迪艾倫講話結巴的樣子) 我非常抱歉打...打擾到你...

(Woody Allen's way of talking) I...have no idea you could read in a store.

(伍迪艾倫講話結巴的樣子) 我...我不知道原來你可以在書店裡閱讀

You know... and I was thinking...

你知道...我當時在想...

Imagine!

想像一下！

But imagine if at that very moment, the moment this guy shushed me,

你想像一下如果在那個時刻，那個男的噓我的時候

I could turn into my superhero with the snap of finger...Big Black Woman!

我可以彈一下手指，然後變身成我崇拜的超級英雄...神力女黑人！

He shushed me, I would be like...

他如果噓我，我就會說...

Oh! You did not just shush me, okay?

喔！你剛剛不會是在噓我吧？

Excuse me!

不好意思喔！

Excu...by the way, nobody does the slow blink better the big black woman.

不好意...對了，沒有人的慢速眨眼可以做得比神力女黑人到位

Nobody!

沒有人可以！

Excuse me! (slow blink)

不好意思喔！(慢速眨眼)

Okay, I don't care if you're reading.

好了，我不管你是不是在閱讀

I don't care if you're concentrating,

我不管你是不是正專心

I don't care if you're trying to find out more about the topic you're interested in.

我不管你是不是試圖找到更多你有興趣的話題

You do not shush a sister in the store, okay?

你最好不要噓在這店裡的姐妹，好嗎？

In fact, you shush me one more time,

我告訴你，你再對我噓一次，

I'm gonna beat you so bad, then I make a movie about it and call it "Tyler Perry's dead white man".

我就會把你打得很淒慘，然後我要把它拍成電影並把它命名為 「泰勒·派瑞之死去的白人」(註：神力女黑人會打死妳的意思)

And then I will just shake my big black ass.

然後我就會搖晃著我的神力大屁屁

I can't even...

我甚至無法...

My skinny jean no ass can't even pretend to shake a big black ass.

我緊身牛仔褲下乾巴巴的屁屁甚至無法裝成大屁屁搖晃的樣子

It's sad.

這真是悲哀