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I don't know if you can tell, but I've always wished I was a big black woman.
I am not even kidding.
I am not kidding.
Growing up in the Bronx, big black women, they are my heroes.
Lot of kids, they worship superheroes.
But I was like...I don't wanna be like a hulk, I don't wanna ever turn into like a big weird green dude.
I wanted to turn into a big black woman because a big black woman doesn't take shit from anybody.
I take it from everybody.
Right, there is a true story.
Recently, I got shushed at a Barnes & Noble.
Now...
Barnes & Noble is not a library, people...
It's a store!
Don't let the books throw you!
This dude sitting there, and he's reading.
He started shush me, he's like...(Shush!!)
(slow blink)
Then he did that slow blink, you know the slow blink you do to show you are really angry.
Shush!! (small blink)
The only thing angrier than the slow blink is the super fast blink.
(super fast blink)
So he shushes me, and he slow blinks me.
That was enough!
And what did I do?
I back down...I back down.
Cuz I was in Clark Kent mode.
Who am I kidding, I am not even as cool as Clark Kent.
I am like a nebbish Woody Alleny Clark, I was like...
(Woody Allen's way of talking) I am terribly sorry to...to disturb you...
(Woody Allen's way of talking) I...have no idea you could read in a store.
You know... and I was thinking...
Imagine!
But imagine if at that very moment, the moment this guy shushed me,
I could turn into my superhero with the snap of finger...Big Black Woman!
He shushed me, I would be like...
Oh! You did not just shush me, okay?
Excuse me!
Excu...by the way, nobody does the slow blink better the big black woman.
Nobody!
Excuse me! (slow blink)
Okay, I don't care if you're reading.
I don't care if you're concentrating,
I don't care if you're trying to find out more about the topic you're interested in.
You do not shush a sister in the store, okay?
In fact, you shush me one more time,
I'm gonna beat you so bad, then I make a movie about it and call it "Tyler Perry's dead white man".
And then I will just shake my big black ass.
I can't even...
My skinny jean no ass can't even pretend to shake a big black ass.
It's sad.
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Elon Gold 脫口秀 - 神力女黑人 (Elon Gold - Big Black Woman (Stand up Comedy))

565 分類 收藏
Katharina Yang 發佈於 2018 年 1 月 31 日    Katharina Yang 翻譯    李依庭 審核
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