NARRATOR (CONT'D) The continuation of the epic romance...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Between, this one hundred and nine year-old

Shovel Face...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) ... and this pathetic, codependent, girlfriend.

BELLA "Maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old

man, its gross"

NARRATOR (CONT'D) It really is gross.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Witness their eternal love for eachother...

EDWARD You're my only reason to stay alive.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) ...that lasts a mere 5 minutes before she's

dumped for no reason.

EDWARD I don't want you, you're just not good

for me.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Prompting his desperately obsessed ex girlfriend...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) to mope around for months on end...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) so they could do this fancy shot outside her

window.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Until Fish face, finds a new man to latch

on to.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) A very, very shirtless man... with an incredibly

obvious secret...

BELLA "So you're a werewolf?"

JACOB "Yeah"

NARRATOR Who is only in the movie to create a forced

love triangle for the franchise...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Even though they make it perfectly clear who

Dead Eyes will ultimately choose.

BELLA "Don't make me choose. Cause it will be

him, it's always been him."

NARRATOR A role model so, terrible and wreckless, she'll

encourage all angsty teenagers to:

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Drive off on motorcycles with complete strangers.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Jump off cliffs.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Slap shirtless weird dudes.

WEREWOLF "Rrrarr."

OTHER WEREWOLF -- O.S. "Calm down now."

WEREWOLF "Rrrarr."

NARRATOR Stand between vampires and large, deadly werewolves.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Travel to foreign countries without telling

their parents.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) And drown themselves to see hallucinations

of their ex-boyfriends...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) I'm pretty sure this makes her a schizophrenic.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Prepare yourself...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) For a movie filled with placeholder dialogue

that wasn't changed from the first draft.

BELLA How about Face... Punch? Do you guys want

to go see... Face Punch?

ERIC Face Punch! Remember the trailer's like,

pow pow, punch faces.

MIKE NEWTON I, I remember.

NARRATOR And werewolves that rip out of their clothes,

but always seem to get their shorts back.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Seriously, do they keep stashes of jean shorts

hidden around the forest?

NARRATOR (CONT'D) But when Shovel Face is in danger of flashing

children...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Just-Smelled-Poop-Face will ignore the months

of unnecessary turmoil he's caused her...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) and ride to save him on an airline that enforces

the abstinence metaphor.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Leading to a rushed climax that will leave

you wondering... who are these random last minute villains?

NARRATOR (CONT'D) TWILIGHT: NEW MOON.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Just watch True Blood instead. At least they

get naked on that show.

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Don't forget to watch this weeks Screen

Junkies episode...

NARRATOR (CONT'D) Where dads answer Twilight trivia for their

daughters...we made an eleven-year-old cry.