成功關係的10個小貼士--茶花天鵝 (10 Tips For a Successful Relationship - Teal Swan)

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Hallo everyone, relationships are
the heart of expansion they are
the most contrasting experiences in our life.
Meaning they cause the greatest
joy and also the greatest suffering.
There are other means for our
personal expansion and as
such, in our relationships, we
need to learn how to
allow for that change,
any kind of personal evolution needs change.
So to have a harmonious relationship, we need to learn how to evolve together.
instead of evolve apart.
Another way of saying this is
that we need to find a way
to cultivate harmony while allowing
that change to take place talk
about difficult what we are
talking about is unconditional love and
unconditional love is an exchangeable concept with alignment.
So we may practice
unconditional love the art
of finding it for lifetime
upon lifetime is the practice
even for those of us who
are the most of all on the planet.
I compiled an itemized list
of the most important keys or
tips for helping
that harmony take place, you can
this but if you have
a successful relationship, whether this
relationship is romantic in nature or photonic in nature.
Step one cultivate unconditional
love instead of attachment.
What most of the people call
love or fall in love,
is not actually love, it's attachment.
Unconditional love, is the
state of being purely positively focused
in an attitude of appreciation for
something that we're paying attention to.
It means that in this moment
I'm purely focused on that
which I enjoy looking at relative to you.
That's much different than what
we actually call love on
a normal day to day basis in the society.
What we're calling love, which
is actually attachment, is the need for another person.
What that means is, you fulfill
some need which I don't
feel capable of fulfilling for
myself and so I
feel a void when you're
not around because the absence
of you means that need will be unfulfilled.
And thus my happiness is dependent
on what you do and don't do.
That is attachment that's not actual unconditional love.
We will lead happier
lives if we can get
into the modality of
unconditional love and provide
our needs for ourselves, we find
that there're healthy ways so that
we can [xx] seeking them through other people.
Now, before you go
ahead and feel bad about yourself
because you you haven't mastered this yet.
I want you to stop and think
for a minute how many people
do actually know that if mastered unconditional love?
People who can remove their own
happiness from what other people
do or don't do to them
to afford them, no one right?
Myself included, I actually don't
know or a single person incarnated on
this earth who is in
an aspect of unconditional love 24
hours a day and even those
who I know who're pretty good at
culturing that botanical relationship still
have not have mastered it when
it comes to romantic relationships so
no more expecting yourself to
reach some level of perfection, this
is a practice, it's a
practice for every single one of
us, no matter how involved
you think you are you still
got more to go when it comes to unconditional love.
I want to be very clear that
this does not mean that you
need to learn how to stay in
a relationship with people who harm
you or who you
don't actually feel enjoyment by
being around just for the
sake of learning how to unconditionally
love because this is
not unconditional loving to yourself,
it simply means you can only
know unconditional love when that
love and your happiness is not
conditional upon what other people
do or don't do we
cultivate unconditional love in
the state of non-attachment by providing
that love for our selves
and by providing needs for ourselves
and by finding ways to
make ourselves happy, separate of
what other person in our
experience does or does not do.
All spiritual practice is dedicated
towards discovering how to
unconditionally love every single
thing you do that gets you
more happiness, every single thing
you do that brings you more
peace, everything that in
the spiritual self help guru
type is going to teach you,
it's going to hep you
come into contact with learning how to unconditionally love.
So like I said, your quest
towards enlightenment is the same
thing as the quest towards
unconditionally loving, so literally
anything you do that benefits
your life is going to
be helping you to match this
particular tip of unconditional
love versus attachment when it
comes to culturing successful relationships
Tip number two, cultivate love for yourself.
Your relationships are nothing
more than a mirror of
the relationship you have with yourself.
It is impossible for you to
be in any relationship that is
not an exact mirror of
some aspect of your relationship
with you, so if you improve
the relationship with you, all of
your relationships externally are going
to change to match that
new improved state of attitude that you hold towards yourself.
So if you want to
start having better relationships, you've got
to start thinking thoughts, saying things
and taking actions which are
in alignment with self love which
are in alignment with your highest good.
At the heart of every major relationship
problem is a problem between you and yourself.
When self concept is damaged, your
relationships be sure of
damaged as well and nothing
works faster to improve your
relationships than improving your
quality and quantity of love for yourself.
I have written a book about
how to love yourself which is
currently seeking a publisher but
many self help guru type
talk about how to love
yourself, they talk about
how to go about doing things
in life structuring the way you
are thinking differently, so you can be more self loving.
I would try any and all
of them that you can find because, it
never hurts to try something, you just might find something that works.
Tip number three, work to
discover and to release
your fears related to relationships.
There is nothing that damages relationship
or your life experience in general
more so than fear, and there
is not a single human being incarnated
on this planet that does not
have some kind of
fear relative to relationships and relative to love.
You might have heard the expression, we are all fools in love.
There is an actual biological reason why.
Human are born about three
month premature, If we
were born completely developed the way
that other mammals are we
would not be able to fit through the mother's birth canal.
Because we are born immature, we
have absolutely no way of
meeting our need in the
first few months of life, and
so our survival is entirely dependant on our care givers.
More than that, our survival is
entirely dependent on our care givers loving us.
The first thing we learn in
our lives is that if
our care givers do not love
us, our needs will not
be met and we will eventually die.
Because of this, it becomes very
important that we do anything we
can do to get loved
because our brain, which is of
course the organ in charge
of ensuring our survival, equates love to survival.
The sympathetic nervous system is in charge of our survival response.
The part of our brain called the
hypothalamus, which is a primitive
part of the brain, triggers our
sympathetic nervous system to react when it perceives danger.
We call this reaction the Fighter Flight Response.
The Fighter Flight Response is an
intelligent design as far
as evolution is concerned because
it enables us to jump out
of the way even on an oncoming car
in a split seconds, as opposed to
using a more volt rational processes
to asses whether something is in fact a danger to us.
If we were to use that part
of our brain that's in charge
of rational process to assess
whether something was a danger before
reacting, we would end
up getting hit by an oncoming car
for example because if
we take longer to asses the
situation, then we take
for the oncoming car to actually hit us.
Hypothalamus accomplishes this by
hijacking the rest of the brain.
It releases signals that over-rates
the parts of our brains that are
in charge of reasoning such as the cortex.
The parts of our brain that
are in charge of reasoning are the parts that we associate with intelligence.
But those parts of our brain
are not parts that are
in charge of our behaviors and actions when our survival is threatened.
Only the most primitive part of
our brain are in charge of
our behaviors and actions when our survival is threatened.
So what does this mean for humans love?
Because humans harbour a deep
sea to association between love
and survival, when we feel
as if we need love for someone,
suddenly our survival mechanisms are triggered.
The part of our brain that begins
to rule relative to the
object of our love is our primitive brain.
When our primitive brain is in
charge of our behaviors and actions,
we can no longer remain rational relative to whatever we want love from.
Our evolution has primed
us to act for survival before we
act for logic our thinking
mind is incapacitated and when
we feel threatened with the possibility
of losing love our bodies
react as if our survival
is being threatened, in other
words when it seems as if
we can lose love we biochemically
react in similar ways to
how we would react if we were being held under water.
I realized it's frustrating but it
is part of the original intention
you came into the experience which
we call human versus another
animal, is because that
contrast you knew would
benefit your expansion.
But that being said, discovering
and releasing your fears is totally
essential when it comes
to learning how to have good
relationships and how to unconditionally love.
Becoming aware of our fears
is the first step and thinking
better thoughts relative to our fears is the second step.
My favorite process for this
particular stuff, is Byron
Katie's process called The Work.
It's all about questioning the thoughts which cause us stress.
So if I were you, and I
was dealing with a lot of
for us relatives to my
fears and relationships, I would use that process.
Tip number four.communicate completely.
You can't be in a successful
relationship and withhold any aspect of yourself.
That's sort of like expecting somebody
to love someone who isn't even present in the room.
It's become kind of a trite
saying, communication is key
in relationships but it
doesn't make it any less true,
communication is key in
relationships, you can only
make sure that the needs and
wants if you know who the hell you are in a relationship with.
You'll only meet somebody's needs
and wants if you know how someone is feeling.
Last week I did a
video called, how to express your emotions.
This video presented a process
which is totally amazing when it comes to having good relationships.
It teaches you how to express
the complete truth of how you are feeling, to your partner.
as well as yourself.
If you don't feel capable of
expressing yourself verbally to your
partner, then learn how to write a letter to your partner.
Any kind of expression is absolutely
paramount if you ever define
the meeting of mine as I'm
concerned, the best way
to have a successful relationship, is to find a meeting of minds.
Tip number five, stay on
in page, our relationships
in every other experience in
our life is meant to do
one thing and that is
to inspire us, towards the
preference to inspire us
towards a new desire, towards new things which we want.
I think that this will relationships.
Any relations you get in
will give rise to new desires
for relationships within you, and
your happiness on this planet
is depended upon you keeping
up with those new desires and
you finding alignment with them and allowing them.
What that means is
you can't stay in a
relationship and be happy
unless the relationship itself molds
to match that new desire,
unless the relationship itself is the thing that is evolving.
The only hope for us
keeping our relationship together long
term is if those relationships
become the new things
we desire, this is true for everyone involved in relationship.
If that's not the case, the
universe itself will separate
you, or else you'll
separate yourself from your own
joy set of degree will manifest
in illness, and you will die.
this does not mean that your
partner has to change
to match your new desires, or
that she have to change to match theirs.
If it is not
all so in the interest of
your partner to change and
evolve in accordance to your new
desires or for you evolve in accordance with theirs.
The relationship has run it's course.
we're not meant to come here
and be bonded to someone forever,
we're meant to follow our individuals
bliss and what the universe
line us up with someone who
with some match develop list, and
if it is our desire
to experience a life long
love with someone, and you're
able to align yourself with that
desire, by of course
thinking thoughts which allow that
desire to come into fruition I
promise you the universe will align
you with someone who can stay
a match to you totality
of your life, the law
of attraction is managing and
bringing together with relationships that
serve your expansion at the
very most for the
moment that you are in, this
means you can trust the universe
to align you with someone who
is matches your positive aspects
and also fabulous match to
all your not so positive aspects
it's a great way of looking
in a mirror there is not
bigger mirror than relationships, it's
a good idea in relationship to
sit down and in every 6
months, you can do it more
often, but every 6
months at least to sit down
and read a complete list of
what you want and
what you need and then
both partners come together and
they compare that list and
they ask insult honestly
not dishonestly, those other
persons desires align with
my desires and my wants
or do they go in the
opposite direction then, if the
girl is in opposite direction of
it we cannot have
persons at the same time
that is absolute and so
its time to restructure the relationship
and open it up to allow
both of you to go on
the direction of your own individual beliefs.
And that could potentially mean, not together.
However if you compare this
list and it seems as
if they are compatible, then you
can sit down as a couple
and think about ways which you
can help enable each other
to meet those needs together while staying in a relationship.
Tip number six, do not
get specific about who you want to be in a relationship with.
That limits the universe.
When you're thinking about the things
you want, the way you want
to feel or when you are
doing visualization is relative to what you want.
You want to think about the feeling space of being the perfect partner.
You don't want to think about the
who because thinking about
the who makes it so
the universe can only operate through
that who and that's a
problem because the universe
is unlimited and as it is.
When you ask the universe to provide
you with a partner that feels
amazing to be around amplifies
the best aspect of who you are.
The universe has let's
say 7 billion people to work with.
That's a lot of So, it goes far.
For me to say
I want that to be Jill
or Joe your're to
have to come through a point
that is as big as this straw.
It now has to exclude
the rest of its resources only
include this amount and
bring you what you've asked
for through the venue of that one person.
That's especially an issue that
one person is not the
for what you've asked for then
it's most likely that it won't even come to proition[sp?]
because the universe will
continually trying and trying to
bring it together but you're not actually a vibrational match.
That's what you've asked for.
It's not actually going to come through that one person.
I understand in relationships we've all
gotten to this point where we
think that our happiness can only
be satisfied through this one
person that we keep dreaming about
that we're totally obsessed with but
then you let it
go to the degree that
you're able to find somebody new
and you date them and three
months down the road, a year
down the road you're going I
can't believe I was ever in
a relationship with that person
I'm so glad that I'm not with him anymore.
I never knew it could be this good.
Just because you don't currently
see the possibility of the
universe drawing to you
someone who's better than the
person you're currently want to
be with doesn't mean that person doesn't exist.
Tip number seven start to
recognize and begin to
heal your love reincarnations what
I mean by love reincarnations is that
people tend to find
love situations and life
situations which mirror their
first expectation of love,
and your first expectation of
how love should look and should
feel is your home
environment so if you had
an healthy situations in your
upbringing relative to love
you're very likely to continues
to find yourself in the same circumstances
in the same circumstance, hence many
of abused women continue to find
abusive spouses once when
reach a certain age were
they'll be getting to date we find
people and we find
friends that mirror the
relationships that we had
when we were children with the
first people which we came to love.
Good news if you had a
super healthy up bringing not
so good news if your
upbringing was not so great.
I'm going to explain this concept
of love incarnation to you
now this truth
about love reincarnation is especially
allowed if you allow
yourself to make a list
of all the aspects that you
hated about your father
and all the aspects that you
hated mother or primary care givers.
Then you want to write a
list of all the things you hate
about all the primary relationships
you've had in your life and
then I want you to compare the
list between each significant
relationships and between
you primary care givers as a child.
And I want you to
pick out the similarities, you'll
start to see a pattern, what
you'll start to see is that
you hate the same things about
your partners, and your
friends that you hated
about your primary relationship with your parents or care givers.
That sort of love relationship set
you up for an expectation
in all of the rest of your relationships.
What you'll find is that
you are primarily reincarnating the parent
relationship that you had
which was the least satisfying in terms of love.
So if you had a parent
or care giver, one of
your primary relationship that you
felt you did not get the
kind of love you needed from,
you will continue to try to
reincarnate that over and
over again because your brain is a self healing mechanism.
It will try to get the
kind of love that it needed
from the kind of person that
it thinks it needs it from.
So for example, if I
didn't get the love I needed
from daddy, I'm going to
keep trying to find men like
daddy and get the
kind of love from them that
I needed as a child, and
by doing so I will
have solved my relationship with daddy.
That's what our brains are trying to do.
I want to give you an example from my own personal life.
Most women who have been through
traumatic situations as children
will love reincarnate an abuser.
My situation was a little
bit different because my
abuser was not my parents,
it was someone outside of the family.
And the love I didn't get
primarily from my father was
the love that a kid could call protection.
So I had an incredibly passive father.
By passive I mean really
passive I have never seen
this man get angry one time
in his life and so I
didn't feel protected and therefore
loved by my father, so what do I do in relationships?
I find men who are
super, super passive and ten
I try to manufacture all kinds
of situations that make
it look like I'm in and need
rescue because subconsciously I'm
trying to find someone like
my father but get someone
like my father to rescue me
and by virtue of that, some
part of my child hood itself
feel like daddy rescued me
which is what I always wanted, relative
to love when I was a
child want to
do when you discover your love incarnations
is to ask yourself what is
it exactly that I am trying to get from this person?
What is it that I am trying
to derive out of this
relationship and then provide those
things for yourself so you
no longer need them to come through another person.
Being aware of this of
levering incarnations helps them transmit
what you'll find so that eventually
you don't attract the same partners.
Tip number eight what to
change the decisions that
you've made based on experiences
that you've had as well
as the actions of those decisions
cause you to carry out.
To do this you want to
think about the situation that
wounded you You want to
think about what decision you made
about love based on that experience.
Then you want to think about
what choices and actions you're
taking in the day to day
wife because of that
decision that you made about love.
For example, my first girlfriend
was close with me and then
one day suddenly decided that she
wanted to be friends through the
more popular growing schools, so
she made fun of me, said she didn't want to be my friend anymore.
The decision that I made based
on that experience was, I
can't trust my friends to be loyal.
As a result of
this, the actions I
take in my life, is that
I keep friends through the norms
link because I am always
waiting for them to abandon me.
I do not let people know me,
and so most people leave me
because they don't feel like I even like them.
Another example my mother
was a clean freak, and had to control everything about my wife.
The decision I made based on
that, is that I
have to be perfect or else
no one will love As a
result, I am a
waste trying to please other people,
and I often find myself
falling in love with people like
my mother who can not be
pleased, and you're hypercritical of my every move.
Another example is, I was
molested by a member of
my family, the decision I
made based on that is, I
am worthless, and the people
I love will use me because of it.
As a result of this,
I can see how this led to me becoming a stripper.
I don't love although I make
good me, the way I
think about it, my job
now revolves around men using me for their pleasure.
I have made a video in the past called 'how to change your belief'.
You can apply these believes, which
you form these decisions about love,
to that process and will
help you to release resistance to
that belief, it'll help you to change it.
On top of that, changing the
belief, you want also
take different actions in you
life so for example
if you believe in the previous
scenario that the people
who love you will use you,
then that's the belief that you
want to start to change, but
you also want to look
in you life in the
ways that you have been
taking actions in accordance with
that belief, for For
example, I became a stripper and now men use me for a living.
And you want to start
changing that, so maybe it's
time to start looking for a
job where you don't
put yourself in a situation to get used by men everyday.
Tip number nine, ask for
what you want and need this
may in contradiction to what
we said earlier about how
important it is for you
to provide yourself with things
that make you happy, for you
to provide yourself with love
because as we know, when
someone else holds the key
to your love or what you need, they are in control.
You are no longer control, but
it actually isn't a contradiction
because even though you
may be looking at someone else
and asking them for what you
want and need you're actually
asking the universe what you
want to need and maybe
those need and wants will come
through the person that you're asking
or maybe they'll come through someone else.
Free will wasn't absolute, so don't
worry about someone else trying
to provide something for you that they don't actually want to provide.
It won't ever work, that will
unravel in the end to
be able to go sideways of
who they truly are enough to
provide things for you that
they don't actually want to provide for you.
But the universe has the
limited resources to deliver you
the exact criteria you've
asked for, for your one's need and happiness.
Asking for what we want and
need is to ensure that
we're not starved emotionally in our relationships.
We don't all have ESP relative to relationships.
I know most of us expect our
partners to know exactly what
we want and need and to deliver
it without us even asking.
But that's not realistic, it's not kind of ourselves or them.
People want to love you.
They just don't know how and
unless you tell them what
you want and need, you are
not going to get anywhere, you're just
going to build a lot of resentment relative to relationships.
You will build up extreme
levels of resentment, if you
remain committed to being
in a relationship but simultaneously
you expect, that you were
once the needs will not
be met that you will be
unsatisfied for the rest
of your life, and that's
also the key to having a
court open relationship, where you
care more about staying together, than
you care about actually being happy
and I promise you either way
one or both of you will
eventually stray, and find
some other way to meet
those needs and wants, if they're not coming through the relationship itself.
I want to give a personal example of how this worked in my life.
I'm not very good at asking
people to help me with anything.
I'm not really good at letting
them into my life, so when
I have a bad day I'm more
used to going up stairs locking
myself in a room, and doing some
kind of process that will pull
me out of mentality than I'm
at calling my friends and
telling them what's going on in
my life, but it just
so happened this last year I
formed a incredibly intense relationship
a really close relationship with
a friend of mine, who happens
to be a female you saw
earlier in the video
were I demonstrated Healing Work.
Her name is [xx] 11.
Her love language is words
of affirmation, what that means
is she feels like
her needs and wants are met
in relationship when someone is
putting effort to communicate who
they're and what they love
about the relationship, and just
calling once in a while
to say hey this is what's
going on with me I care
about you enough to let you
in so of course,
because I wasn't doing that in
this relationship, there were some rocks.
So one day, she ended
up coming over and she had
the balls to say look Teal
I don't feel like this is
a really great relationship because I don't even feel like I'm participating.
You never call me when you
have problems, you never tell
me what's going on in your
life, and you don't
ever tell me whether I'm
doing something good or not good.
So, I realized at
that moment that her needs were
not being met relative to something
I could change very quickly and
wanted to because it's going
to benefit me it'll learn how to speak this love language.
And so, I began
making it sort of deliberate
practice out of every
time that I experience something,
good or bad, I just send
her a text message or pick
up the phone and express what was going on in my life.
I can't even tell you how much
our relationship improved based on
that one change which would
never have taken place if she
didn't tell me what she needed or wanted.
Tip 10, and this is the final tip.
feed people love every single
day, by feeding them
the three A's.
Number one, attention, which
means find time each day
to give them a bit time
of your undivided attention.
Two, affection, find time
each to show them a little bit of affection.
Three appreciation, find time
each day to give them
some verbal gratitude, or some kind of verbal validation.
These three A's are how
to feed a relationship with love
on a daily basis, if this
doesn't come naturally to you
to just show your love in
this way, then what I
want you to do is to pick
a random interval during
the day, set your own alarm
clock so will go off throughout
the day and when the
alarm clock goes off, look
over those three A's and
pick something that's in
accordance with one of those
As that you can do
to express some kind of
love to the person or people in your life.
So maybe the timer goes off
and you send a text message maybe
the tummer goes off and
you walk into the room where
your partner is and you
put your hand on your head or you give him a kiss.
or maybe you write a love letter or maybe you bring him home a gift.
Whatever it is that you
choose to do throughout the
day you want to make sure
that you're doing them.
When we starve our relationships is when we stop doing them.
We work 24hours a day
so we are never around our
partner we may never
learn to tell them what
we love about them we just assume they should know.
This kind of things which we do stuff towards our relationships.
It doesn't matter whether you've for
4 years it's time to
go downstairs and punk your way or your husband's.
That being said it's
really that we learn the five languages of love.
There is a man named Gary Chapman
who worked as a marriage counselor
for years years and
he was really interested in finding
out what made relationships work.
And so he studied human interaction and
found out that no matter what
continent you're on, no matter
what race race you are,
humans have five basic
ways that they express love to each other.
And the five basic ways are
these: Words of affirmation,
physical touch, acts of
service, quality time
and gifts.
Now ideally we would
speak every single one of these languages.
We come in actually knowing how
to speak all of these
languages, but our situations
growing up, tell us which
ways are appropriate and which ways
are not appropriate to express our love to other people.
But we all come
in with a primary love language,
that means it's our
strongest way that we feel
and usually give love.
Mine for example is gifts.
Now the idea goes but
if you want to be in a
happy relationship with someone, you
got to figure out what their
primary love language is and
meet that love language, you
have to learn how to speak
it, and I'm in complete
the grieves with this.
You need to speak the persons
love language that you're in
a relationship with regardless of whether
that's a romantic or friendship relationship.
It's a lot easier than expecting
them to come out
of their love language and to start speaking your love language.
We can learn to speak every
single one of them and like
I said that's ideal, but it's
OK to ask people that
are in a relationship with you
to show you love
in the language you speak the
most frequently, and the most fluently.
So find out what your love
language is and pay
close attention to the people
that you're in relationships with in
your life to try to
find out how it is that they receive love.
Because you may be trying to
show them love inside your
love language, and that's
not even a language they currently
speak, this is why
for example you You all
know Blake, Blake is the one that lives with me.
Blake's love language is service.
So constantly, all day
long you'll watch him he's milling
around the house and he's doing dishes and he's doing projects.
And for a long time, I always
felt like Blake didn't love me,
and I was frustrated and constantly why?
I don't speak the love language of service at all.
To me, dishes just have to be done.
So if someone does them, it's
not an act of love, it's just because they need to be done.
So I was missing the fact
that Blake was trying to show
me love all day, everyday.
Then I taught him how to speak
my love language and I
recognized that when he was
doing acts of service out of
love, and now I see
that it's one of the most loving relationships I have in my life.
It's amazing what can happen when you start to learn these love languages.
Not only that, you'll start
to discover that even your
worst enemies are trying
to express love to you,
but they are trying to express love
to you in a way that you don't receive love, yet.
It is my promise that
these simple steps will make all the difference in the world.
They can turn really crappy relationships
that are full of no love
currently into blossoming relationships
which are serving you and your expansion.
So to sign off,
I want to thank all of you,
for your love and your support
and your attention to me.
It benefits me greatly and I
do want you to know that I love all of you.
have a good week.