字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 Hey, it's Clayton and in this video, I'm going to talk about neediness. I'm gonna talk about how to stop being insecure, how to stop being clingy in your relationships, and really how to get this part of your life, or at least start getting this part of your life under control. Now the inspiration for this video is— a couple conversations a couple coaching clients that I've been working with recently who when we got to the crux of what was actually happening between them and their partner was that they had this incredible fear of putting pressure on their partner by expressing their needs. They thought, “God you know I just don't want to be clingy. These are the things that I'm needing from him or that I'm wanting to see this is what I want.” And even getting to that place where they can say, “you know what it is that they want” was a bit of a struggle. But once we got there then the objection came up: “Well I could never say that because then I would be putting pressure on him and he might leave me,” or, “I don't want to come off like I'm desperate or controlling. I don't want to disrespect his time by asking for what I want.” And see this type of thinking, if you can relate to anything that I just said there, it's this type of thinking that actually keeps us locked in this state of need and we were locked in the state of need that is what creates the neediness in the relationship. So, see you might be noticing there's a little bit of a paradox here that if you want to escape this neediness view, if you want to no longer be needy or clingy in a relationship, you actually have to express the need because expressing the need allows that feeling to complete itself. Perfect example, I was working with a woman who had told me that she was losing sleep that she couldn't even function at work because the man that she had been dating, she was falling in love with and she had been with him for several months now, and she wanted so bad to tell him that she loved him and she just couldn't bring herself to do it. So, after dealing with this for a while, she finally worked up the courage and she said it and what happened was that she transformed in the relationship after that she felt this total burden just lift from her chest all this weight of holding this in just go away and suddenly the relationship was able to move to the next phase. So, because she's able to express that it's almost like a declaration that she makes to herself of “yeah I deserve to be seen for who I am in the relationship. My authentic real self is worth it to come out in the relationship.” And that's really where miracles happen in the relationship, I see a lot of relationships end because people are afraid of expressing need because what they think is gonna happen is that they're gonna put too much pressure on their partner. They think that they need to minimize themselves, that they need to discount what it is that they're wanting in order to be in a relationship. And ironically that is the exact type of thinking that actually causes relationships to end because if you are not showing up in the relationship and expressing your need, what ends up happening is, you as a woman, you as a man, actually disappear in the relationship. Because you are perhaps becoming whatever you think the other person wants or maybe you are completely withdrawn and the other person doesn't really even know who you are then because when they know what it is that you want and what you need suddenly you appear as a real human being in the relationship. And you also by expressing your need give your man or your woman a clear roadmap of how to satisfy you of how to be in the relationship to create moments of happiness and without that expression of need the other person is kind of flying blindly. So, the first thing that we're doing here just even by talking about this is we're beginning to reframe that you being able to ask for what you want in a relationship, whether it's reassurance, whether it is more presence, whether it is a deeper listening or just more security, that gives your partner a gift. It allows you to show up as somebody that they now have a roadmap for of like how to love and how perhaps make happy. And it really creates this clarity where you both can figure out where you stand with each other. And that's what allows the intimacy to deepen. It's this of trying to avoid this conflict trying to avoid expressing what it is that we want that actually creates the conflict, that actually creates a separation and the lack of intimacy in the relationship. Now let's distinguish this component of putting pressure on somebody, “Okay well that sounds great Clayton. I want to express. I want more time or more attention or maybe I want to see my partner more often. But you know they're going through a lot right now and I don't want to be a burden on them. How do we fix that?” Well here's the difference between in terms of communication, what makes it pressure and a burden versus what actually makes it clean communication that allows the other person the freedom to fulfill on it and maybe feel good about it. The difference is this: when you are expressing your need, are you asking the person to fulfill it from them being in a place of not being okay? Are you making them not okay because you have a need? So, for example: Am I blaming you because I'm not getting the presence that I want? Am I saying things like you should be more this or you should be more that or am I assuming that I know your intentions behind why this need of mine is not being met? Because see if I'm assuming that I know your intentions without actually talking to you about it, without actually expressing the need from a clean place, the other person's listening shuts down because they suddenly feel like they are pushing off this attack and they have to become defensive. So how you keep the communication clean is by ensuring that they are okay, that you are making them okay with your communication which means you're not making assumptions about their intention. And if you are not thinking that, if that they know better, that they are purposefully not fulfilling this need because they're trying to be mean to you, or they're trying to create a reaction. Now just that alone seeing that maybe that person is just actually they just don't know is that you want allows you to communicate from a place of where you're saying rather than saying for instance, “you know you never do this, we never hang out anymore, or we never have these deep conversations, or you never listen to me, or you're always on your phone, you're never present,” which is all the blame making them not okay. It's saying something to the effect of, “I'm really feeling like I'm needing more attention, maybe it's my insecurities. But I'm really wanting some reassurance from you, right. I know it's not in your intention but I'm feeling a bit neglected. I'm feeling a bit unsure. I'm feeling a bit alone in the relationship and what I'm wanting is X Y Z. What I'm wanting is for us to be together more often or to have more conversations during the week.” Now see, what you're doing there is you're owning your experience. You're owning your experience and you're not blaming them for your experience. You're naming your experience. Naming it out loud which is irrefutable right. No one can argue with your experience and that's what makes it clean. And the next you're following with a request of what it is that you would like. Now a lot of this also has to do with the way in which you approach, the tone, body language and just the intention that you have. And communicating this is also really important. So, it really is trusting that maybe the other person, the reason that you're not feeling like you're getting what you want out of the relationship or the interaction is not because of something that's wrong with you or something that they're doing on purpose to try to deny you, it's rather they might just be ignorant. So, when you assume that it might be that they're just ignorant it frees you up to say, “Ah okay. This is an opportunity for growth for us to go deeper so, on a service of the relationship, to respect the relationship, to respect our connection, I must insert my voice into this dynamic.” So, he has the opportunity or she has the opportunity to be able to step up and meet these needs here. Now if you still think that it's pressure and you think that oh well you know I'm just afraid that he's not gonna want to do it at all or such say that he does have an a reaction where you can see that he's not wanting to do these things even if you're communicating them clearly, then it might be important to reassess whether you are with someone that you are compatible with; whether the vision that you have of a relationship, the vision that the two of you have created, whether you guys have gone different directions or whether you both want different thing. And it's better to know the truth and get more connected to the truth because then you can have a conversation around it rather than operating under all of these assumptions and hoping that somehow it figures itself out on its own. So, that's it around neediness, post any comments that you have below, post any questions. I want to plug something really quick and there is a webinar that is happening, it's right underneath this link, it's called the Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready. And it is for women who are wanting to become relationship ready which means that you are at a place in your life where you want to have everything together on your side of the fence so you can create the space for a quality partner to walk into your life and for you to be able to navigate it both mentally, psychologically, emotionally and truly have a high-quality partner that you can create a conscious relationship with. So, go ahead and click the link below this, if you're interested. If that intrigues you at all, subscribe to this channel, hit the bell and thank you for watching.