PhD, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear,

obligation or guilt are the transactional dynamics at play between

the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics

are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior

of another person, and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are

uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

General The first known documented use of

"emotional blackmail" appeared in 1947 in the Journal of the National

Association of Deans of Women . "Emotional Blackmail Climate" was used

to describe one type of problematic classroom control model often used by

teachers. Emotional blackmail typically involves

two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship.

Children, too, will employ special pleading and emotional blackmail to

promote their own interests, and self-development, within the family

system. Emotional blackmailers use fear,

obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that others feel

afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if

they resist. Knowing that someone close to them wants love, approval or

confirmation of identity and self-esteem, blackmailers may threaten

to withhold them or take them away altogether, making the person feel they

must earn them by agreement. Fear, obligation or guilt is commonly referred

to as "FOG". FOG is a contrived acronym—a play on the word fog which

describes something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone's

thought processes. The person who is acting in a

controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate

to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported,

needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of

how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive

to others needs in doing so that is troubling - and how others react to all

of this. Under pressure... one may become a sort

of hostage, forced to act under pressure of the threat of responsibility for the

other's breakdown. and could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer

control his/her decisions and behavior, lost in what Doris Lessing described as

"a sort of psychological fog". Types

Forward and Frazier identify four blackmail types each with their own

mental manipulation style: There are different levels of demands...

demands that are of little consequence, demands that involve important issues or

personal integrity, demands that affect major life decisions, and/or demands

that are dangerous or illegal. Patterns and characteristics

= Addictions= Addicts often believe that being in

control is how to achieve success and happiness in life. People who follow

this rule use it as a survival skill, having usually learned it in childhood.

As long as they make the rules, no one can back them into a corner with their

feelings. = Mental Illness=

People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior

including those with obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid

personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic

personality disorder People with borderline personality

disorder are particularly likely to use emotional blackmail,. However, their

actions may be impulsive and driven by fear and a desperate sense of

hopelessness, rather than being the product of any conscious plan.

= Codependency= Codependency often involves placing a

lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the

needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including

family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community

relationships. = Affluenza and children=

Affluenza — the status insecurity derived from obsessively keeping up with

the Joneses — has been linked by Oliver James to a pattern of childhood training

whereby sufferers were "subjected to a form of emotional blackmail as toddlers.

Their mothers' love becomes conditional on exhibiting behaviour that achieved

parental goals." = Assertiveness movement, training=

Assertiveness training encourages people to not engage in fruitless

back-and-forths or power struggles with the emotional blackmailer but instead to

repeat a neutral statement, such as "I can see how you feel that way," or "No

thank you, I'm not hungry." They are taught to keep their statements within

certain boundaries in order not to capitulate to coercive nagging,

emotional blackmail, or bullying. Recovery

Techniques for resisting emotional blackmail, including strengthening

personal boundaries, resisting demands, developing a power statement – the

determination to stand the pressure — and buying time to break old patterns:

she accepted nonetheless that re-connecting with the autonomous parts

of the self the blackmailer had over-ruled was not necessarily easy. One

may for instance feel guilty even while recognizing the guilt as induced and

irrational; but still be able to resist overcompensating, and ignore the

blackmailer's attempt to gain attention by way of a tantrum.

Consistently ignoring the manipulation in a friendly way may however lead to

its intensification, and threats of separation, or to accusations of being

crazy or a home wrecker. Cultural examples

Angela Carter described Beauty and the Beast as glorifying emotional blackmail

on the part of the Beast, as a means of controlling his target, Beauty.

Doris Lessing claimed that “I became an expert in emotional blackmail by the

time I was five" Criticism

Daniel Miller objects that in popular psychology the idea of emotional

blackmail has been misused as a defense against any form of fellow-feeling or

consideration for others. Labeling of this dynamic with

inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful

as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which

is often not the case. Controlling behavior and being controlled is a

transaction between two people with both playing a part.

See also References

External links