I'm gonna talk about substitute teachers!

我要來聊聊 關於代課老師

I wanna say for the most part, we all like having subs.

一般來說，我們都喜歡代課老師對吧

You like, walk into the classroom, expecting it to be a normal day, and you glance over at the teacher,

就像 當你走進教室裡，以為又會是平凡的一天 而當你向老師的方向看過去

and BOOM, it's a sub!

碰！是個代課老師！

YES! Don't have to try today.

好耶！今天可以耍廢了

Most subs are pretty cool, they don't really care too much either.

大部分的代課老師都滿酷的 他們也很隨性

and everyone just ends up having a nice easy break day.

大家都會有個很棒的休息日

They have this attitude like:

他們有種態度像 :

"OK, so I'm just gonna pop in a movie or something... do whatever you want, I'm just here to make sure you don't all

"好的...所以我就放個電影什麼的... 你想做什麼都可以，我只是來這裡確保你們

go miley cyrus wild and poke some kid's eye out with a ruler.

不會變得跟麥莉·希拉一樣狂 或是拿尺捅其他小孩的眼睛"

But sometimes they don't care too much and it gets kinda weird...

但有時他們隨性的過頭了 情況會變得有點奇怪...

Like once, I had a Math sub, where we were just doing a worksheet or something, and this girl behind me was

有一次，我有了個數學代課老師 我們在寫學習單之類的 坐在我後面的女生在吃胡蘿蔔

eating carrots. But all of a sudden, she started choking on one of her carrots and was like

但突然間，她被胡蘿蔔給噎到了 她就像

gasping and gagging and stuff.

發出抽氣和反胃的聲音

And everyone turned around and was mortified.

每個人轉頭看 都嚇壞了

wut.

啥

what do we do!?

我們該怎麼辦？！

We all looked over at the sub for help and guidance or... something because of all people, he should have a plan.

我們看向代課老師尋求幫助 或是引導什麼的 因為 在所有人之中 知道要怎麼辦的應該是他吧

And he was just... looking at her, not doing anything,

可是他就只是...看著她，什麼反應也沒有

I'm sure, if the girl could've spoke at that time, she would've said:

我很確定 如果那個女生那時候可以講話的話 她會說 :

"FREAKIN', I'M CHOKING ON A CARROT HERE!"

"天殺的，我被胡蘿蔔給噎到了欸！"

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"

"你是在看三小？！"

"DO SOMETHING, YOU BUFFOON! AAGH!"

"做些什麼啊，你這白癡" "呃啊啊啊！"

So for a small period of time, everyone was just helplessly looking at this poor girl choking on a carrot.

所以短期間內 每個人就這樣無助的 看著那可憐的女孩被胡蘿蔔噎著

No one knew what to do!

沒有人知道該怎麼做！

FINALLY, one guy got up and did the choking Heimlich Procedure they teach us.

終於，有個男生站了起來 做了學校教的哈姆立克急救法

It was so legit! He even did the "are you choking" question like they say you have to.

他做的超標準的！他還做了那個 詢問當事人"你是不是噎到了"的步驟

If you haven't heard of the technique, or... for some reason they've changed it,

如果你沒有聽過這種急救法，或... 基於某種原因他們改了，

The steps are:

步驟是 : (注意聽 以免有人會死掉)

Approach the person and ask "are you choking?"

接近當事人然後詢問"你是不是噎到了"

Do not proceed if they are not choking.

如果他們不是被噎到 就不要繼續進行了

*laugh* it actually says that..

*笑*上面真的這樣寫

Get behind the person and wrap your arms around their waist. Be ready to support them if they faint.

走到當事人後方 用手環抱對方的腰 做好當事人有可能會昏倒 要撐住對方的準備

Take your fist and place the thumbside against their belly, just above their belly button.

握成拳頭 把大拇指那側對著當事人的腹部 在肚臍上方一點

Grab the fist with the other hand, and thrust into the belly.

另外一隻手抓住拳頭 然後就開始往腹部擠壓

And the final step is: repeat thrusts until the object pops out, or until the person faints.

最後一步是 : 持續擠壓 到噎著的物品吐出，或是直到對方 昏倒

So... the girl didn't faint, he actually got the carrot out of her throat. and everyone was... relieved.

所以...那個女生沒有昏倒，而那個男生 成功把胡蘿蔔用出來了 大家都鬆了一口氣

And after all that hollabalu, we all kinda looked over to see what the sub had to say about the situation,

而在這團混亂之後 我們都往代課老師看過去 想知道他有沒有想說的

and.. nothing! :O

結果...什麼都沒有！:0

He just watched the situation with a blank-slate look on his face! Like, what the heck! What are you?

他就這樣帶著空白的表情 旁觀了這整個過程！ 就像，有沒有搞錯？你到底是怎樣？

I've never seen less of a reaction from such a big situation from anyone in my entire life.

我這一生中 在這麼嚴重的狀況下 從來沒看過有人這麼淡定的

he should make a reaction channel, come to think of it...

其實仔細想 他該開個Youtube頻道 做些反應的影片

He'd blend in with most of the people on YouTube doing it already.

他已經融入Youtube上的氛圍了

Anyway, enough with Mr. Blank-Slate.

總之，關於淡定哥就到此為止

I remember when I was in high school, we had kinda a main group of substitutes that were common to have

我還記得我在高中的時候，會有一群主要的代課老師

when a teacher called in sick or something.

以防老師請病假之類的

And there was this one old man guy, that everyone knew, *pause*

而他們其中 有個老伯伯 大家都認識他 (沒錯他的褲子真的穿這麼高)

and absolutely HATED.

而且每個都 討 厭 他

And before you say something like: "Oh Jaiden, that's kind of rude to say."

在你說出像 "噢Jaiden，那樣說有點沒禮貌" 之前

In our defense, he hated us too.

我先說一聲，他也討厭我們。

Whenever a person walked in and saw him sitting behind the teacher's desk, the immediate thought would be:

不管哪個人走進教室，看到他坐在老師的桌子後面時 第一個想法一定會是 :

"oh ffff- crap, it's gonna be a rough day today."

"喔...天殺...慘了 今天肯定很難熬"

No one had to say it...

沒有人會直接說出來

but we were all thinking it.

但我們都是這麼想的。

"OK Jaiden, so what was he like?"

"好啦Jaiden，所以他是怎樣的人？"

Oh, stand up, so you can sit down because I'm gettin'- getting started.

噢，站起來 所以你才能坐下 因為我—我要開始講了

Take the strictest person you know...

想像一個 你碰過最嚴厲的人

..and throw them out the window because this guy is now that person.

然後把他丟出窗外 因為現在這傢伙已經取代他了

I think he saw himself as a military instructor leading juvenile delinquents because he wanted every child to be

我覺得他把自己想成一個教官 在管教一群少年犯 因為 他期望每一個小孩都能夠

behaving:

表現得—

Perfectly. To a T. No funny business.

超級完美。 超級 沒有在開玩笑的

and... yeah, that's not gonna happen in a high school, sooooo there's problem one...

然後...對，那種情景不可能會在高中發生的 所以說，有一個問題點就出來了...

He would start every class with the same lecture:

他在上每一堂課前 都會說一樣的開場白

"Alright, sit down and zip up because we're taking attendance. If I hear any talking, you're being written up.

"好啦，給我坐好，嘴巴閉上 因為要點名了 如果我聽到了你的聲音，就等著被記下來吧

I don't tolerate jokesters in my classroom."

在我的課裡 我是不會容忍玩笑的"

"I'm going to call out your last name, followed by your first name. And if I don't hear you say "Present" then

"我會先叫你姓 再叫你的名子 如果我沒有聽到你說 '到' 的話

you're being marked "Absent". You should be paying attention because you only have one chance.

你就會被當成缺席 你該專心聽 因為你的機會只有一次"

and I'm not calling names twice.. if I pronounce your name wrong, CORRECT ME. Alright, here we go."

"而我名也只會點一次...如果我把你的名子唸錯了 你要糾正我！好，開始吧。"

He says that exact paragraph every time he starts a class, and I know it because I've had him enough times

他每次都說一樣的話，我會記得這麼清楚是因為 我上過夠多節他的課

to have it power-washed into my head. I kinda wanna believe he has it written down in frame somewhere in

以至於它都印在我的腦海裡了 我喜歡想像他有把這一段話 表框起來放在他家裡

his house, so he can proudly look at it before he goes to bed every night.

所以每晚在睡前 他都能驕傲的看著它

And he actually gets mad if you don't correct him if he pronounces your name wrong.

而且如果他唸錯了你的名子 你還不糾正他的話 他真的會生氣

*lol*

*笑*

I know from experience. I don't care when people pronounce my name wrong, it happens all the time.

我有過經驗 我其實不太在意名子被念錯 因為它常常在發生

I've gotten used to it.

我已經習慣了

So I thought I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

所以我覺得無所謂

"Aneemations..."

"咚...動畫..."

"Jai-aiden."

"Jai—aiden"

"Here."

"到"

"Did I say that correctly?"

"我有唸對嗎？"

"it's close enough."

"差不多啦"

"CORRECT ME NEXT TIME!"

"下次要糾正我！"

uh- sorry? *lols*

呃—抱歉？*笑*

He reminds me of, if like Oscar the Grouch had a pet lemon, but the lemon was expired by 2 months

他會讓我想起 如果壞脾氣的奧斯卡(芝蔴街角色) 把一顆檸檬當寵物，但是那顆檸檬已經過期兩個月了

and he keeps forgetting to throw it away.

而且他一直忘記把它丟掉

Like, "Aww crap, the lemon!"

像，"噢 媽的，檸檬！"

"ahh, I'll do it tomorrow."

"啊算了，我明天再丟"

And he doesn't do it tomorrow...

然後他隔天忘記丟了

So.. I'll call him Mr. YetToBeThrownOutLemon.

所以說...我想叫他 "等著被丟掉的檸檬先生"

just for simplicity.

這樣叫比較簡單。

I truly don't know why Mr. YetToBeThrownOutLemon worked as a substitute teacher.

我真的不知道"等著被丟掉的檸檬先生" 為什麼要當代課老師

Because you could just SEE the child hatred in his eyes.

因為你真的可以從他的眼睛裡 看到他對小孩子的憎恨

Somehow, he made everyone in the class feel uncomfortable just by existing.

他光是待在教室裡就會讓大家很不舒服了 不知道怎麼辦到的

So lemme tell u a STORY about Mr. YetToBeThrownOutLemon.

所以讓 我 來告訴你一個 "等著被丟掉的檸檬先生"的故事吧

We had him in a Biology class once. and... we were just gonna work on a paper he had to pass out.

有一次他代了生物課，然後... 我們要寫他將要發下來的試卷

"Alright, we're going to be doing a worksheet today. If I hear any talking, YOU'RE BEING WRITTEN UP. This is an

"好，我們今天要寫一個學習單 如果我聽到任何聲音，你就會被記下來

individual worksheet, so there's absolutely no reason to talk to ANYONE at all during this hour."

這是單人的學習單，所以在這段時間裡 你沒有任何理由跟任何人講話"

"Everyone, come up to the front of the room right now and grab a paper.

"大家，現在來教室前 拿一張學習單"

"Umm, Mrs. Grapes does it so each person at a table has a number and she calls out a random number, and that

"嗯...通常Grape老師會讓每桌的人都有一個號碼 是因為，她隨機叫一個號碼的時候

person just gets up and gets the paper for the rest of the table so it's easier to-"

那個號碼的學生 就會去拿整桌的人的學習單 這樣對於大家比較容易——"

"I WILL NOT HAVE SLAVES IN MY CLASSROOM!"

"我絕不會容忍奴隸制度的！"

WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?! *lols*

他剛剛說了什麼？！ *吸氣*

This man just compared picking up papers for other classmates to SLAVERY.

這位先生 把幫其他同學拿學習單 跟 奴隸制度 相比

SLAVERY!!!

奴隸！！！

Good god! I dee- auHH

老 天 啊 我 呃 啊啊

So we did it his way, the 34 of us all got up at the same time, and shuffled to the front of the room,

所以我們只好照著他的意思做 班上34個人全部同時起身 拖著腳步走到教室前面

awkwardly squishing together, to grab a paper from the one pile he made for us."

尷尬的擠在一起，只為了從他的那堆學習單中 拿其中一張

You. are. a fruitcake.

你 瘋 了

A did a lot of other weird, over-the-top things, but this was by far the best thing I've ever witnessed from him.

他做了很多奇怪的 超級誇張過火的舉動 但這件事是我看過覺得最經典的

Oh, Mr. YetToBeThrownOutLemon.

哦，等著被丟掉的檸檬先生

You're a real piece of work.

您真是經典中的經典

"No talking."

"不准講話"

"I'm going to call out your last name, followed by BLUEEGH BLUEEGHP."

(Lixian的NG片段) "我會先叫你姓 再叫你—噗嚕嚕噗

"This is an individual worksheet to su- buffa vullafins reasons."

"這是單人的學習單，所以你沒有嚕噗離由"

"I will not have sclaffles in my classroom."

"我絕不會容忍尼隸制度的"

i don't know what those are.

我不知道我在講什麼

"This is an individual worksheet to sol the jump puffs LA TE EARF."

"這是單人的學習單，所以@#$%^&* 啦咧呃

WEEH *coughing* HA HAHG.

*咳咳咳*

*zombie sounds???*

*殭屍叫聲*(?)

metal gear...

金屬齒輪...

"Jaiden, is there a Jaiden here... Ja-aiden... a Jaiden."

"Jaiden 這裡有Jaiden嗎... J-Jaiden...a...Jaiden"

"ani... anim.. animations of jaiden. is there a ANIMATIONS JAIDEN. JA-JAIDEN. WHAT THE FFFU-"

"咚...動畫...懂畫 Jaiden 這裡有動畫Jaiden嗎 JA-JAIDEN 搞啥——"