You can't do this to me!

監製大抓狂！

I created "Sing It!"

搞什麼…你不能這樣對我！

I birthed it from my vagina, you [bleep]!

《唱出自我！》是我一手打造的

Welcome to "Celebration Tonight."

是我的努力結晶，你…

Television is abuzz with the drama surrounding "Sing It!"

《歡慶之夜》

the longest-running television singing competition.

歡迎收看《歡慶之夜》

For as long as we can remember,

艾隆索奎薩達

the world has been captivated

電視圈超勁爆 《唱出自我！》誇張行徑滿天飛

watching unknown singers achieve their dreams.

電視史上最長壽的歌唱比賽

♪ Baa baa, black sheep ♪

自我們有記憶以來，眾人就著迷於

♪ Have you any wool? ♪

觀看無名歌手達成夢想

♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ♪

你被淘汰了

You're out.

我有點喜歡他

Ohh.

布萊德發狂

Kind of liked him.

資深監製布萊德丹納

And now longtime executive producer Bradley Datner

突然離開該節目，電視臺表示這是

has suddenly exited the show in what the network

“雙方和睦分道揚鑣”

is calling a mutually amicable parting of the ways.

因為這會整死你！

'Cause this is gonna [bleep] you up!

《唱出自我！》？ 根本是榨乾自我啦！

"Sing it"? More like "Suck It!"

你有沒有拍到我的老二？

Did you get my dick on camera? [bleep]!

《唱出自我！》–共同監製 史黛西尼多斯

Rumor has it longtime executive producer

據傳資深監製史黛西尼多斯 會接掌該節目

Stacey Needles is poised to take the helm.

誰接手這曾紅極一時的節目 將左右其命運

The show's fate will lie in the hands

妳好，梅根

of whoever takes over this once hit series.

《唱出自我》

Hi, Megan.

妳比較喜歡哪一件？

Which look do you like better?

謝謝，史黛西！

Thanks, Stacey!

妳可以簽名在這上面 讓我學著仿造嗎？

Can you sign this so I can learn to forge your signature?

那是布萊德的行事作風 因為他太懶散

That was Brad's way of doing things because he got too lazy.

我簽名之前都會仔細閱讀過

I want to read everything before my name goes on it,

除了生日卡片，那個妳可以盡量偽造

except birthday cards. Feel free to forge those.

謝謝，史黛西！

Thanks, Stacey.

嘿

Yo, man, I don't think so.

–再說一次她幾歲？ –16歲

[contestant singing]

看來我們找到這一季的 未成年女高音了，她有什麼背景？

Hey.

超愛她的父母，天啊 擔任壘球隊隊長

♪ ...no sound ♪

很無趣，我們得好好包裝她 立刻讓編劇著手進行

♪ No one hears the silent tears... ♪

–妳總是有備無患，史黛 –叫我的全名史黛西

How old is this one again?

幹嘛戴手套？

16.

她都不把手套脫掉的

Think we've found this season's soprano jailbait.

一定是中國求好運的東西吧

What's her deal?

我是韓國人

Loves her parents, Jesus,

一定是韓國求好運的東西吧

captain of her softball team.

祝妳今晚好運

Ucch. Vanilla. We need to pimp her story.

今天是妳的大日子，史黛西

Get the writers on it stat.

–我帶來小小的祝賀禮給妳 –謝謝

You always have a plan, Stace.

這是我產線的測試品 我很想知道妳的使用心得

Don't drop my "Y."

好

♪ So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall ♪

–出去 –好

♪ 'Cause, baby, I am ready to be free ♪

切記…

[singing in Korean]

崔伊愛妳喔

What is with those gloves?

辛苦這些年很值得

Oh, she never takes them off.

哈囉

Must be a Chinese good luck thing.

我有重大的消息要宣佈

I'm Korean.

史黛西

Must be a Korean good luck thing.

這位是德魯戴維斯

Well, good luck tonight.

很高興認識你 你跟瑪西是電視臺同事嗎？

Mm-hmm. Konnichiwa.

不是

♪ Gee, gee, gee, baby, baby, baby ♪

他就是妳勾搭上的單車快遞員嗎？

♪ Gee, gee, gee, baby, baby, baby ♪

不是

Big day for you, Stacey.

妳要不要跟我說他是誰 這樣我們才能進展到重大消息？

I got you a little congrats gift.

其實呢，我就是那個重大消息

Thank you.

我是《唱出自我！》的新監製

It's from my product line that's in beta.

這就是我要宣佈的重大消息

I'd really like your feedback.

拍好了

Okay.

歡迎來到《唱出自我！》的 阿拉伯之春

Out.

《唱出自我！》又將再成為話題

Okay.

愛你喔

Oh, remember,

慢著，妳沒笑耶，再拍一張

Troy loves you.

《唱出自我！》

Peww peww peww peww.

搞什麼鬼啊，瑪西？我做牛做馬的

Peww.

結果妳穿著名牌靴子來阻礙我的發展

Peww.

妳喜歡我的靴子嗎？

[sighs]

我不知道該選咖啡色還是黑色 所以就都買了

The years paid off.

瑪西，我多年來 幾乎都奉獻給這棟大樓

Hello, hello!

我錯過生日，週年紀念日 跟我媽的喪禮

I have a big announcement.

自從歐巴馬上任之後 從他還是參議員的時候

Stacey...

我就沒跟有一絲好感的傢伙上床了

I would like you to meet Drew Davies.

妳母親的事我深感遺憾 我也很同情妳的陰道

Hi. Nice to meet you.

這傢伙是誰？

Do you work with Marcy at the network?

德魯拍了《唱出自我！》 如何毀滅音樂產業的紀錄片

No.

他有在電視臺工作的經驗嗎？

Is this the bike messenger

世人太高估經驗了 我此話可是經驗之談

you've been hooking up with?

那他就是沒有 製作節目的經驗背景了？

Oh, no.

他畢業於紐約大學電影學院 他也差點以《昨日之後》

Do you want to tell me who it is

獲得奧斯卡最佳紀錄片的提名

so we can get to the big news?

昨日之後就是今天

Actually, I am the big news.

天啊，我現在才懂，他好深奧喔

I'm the new executive producer of "Sing It!"

妳怎能找一個沒有電視製作經驗的人 來接手我的節目？

That's my big announcement.

史黛西，妳有沒有看過 他拍的《唱出自我！》紀錄片？

Boom! Captured. [laughs]

那在我的Netflix 永遠不要看清單上

Welcome to "Sing It's" Arab Spring,

我該死的歷經千辛晚苦 每一晚都睡在地板上

the day "Sing It!" became relevant again.

我都沒時間尿尿了 更別說是看批評我節目的紀錄片

[mouths words]

我知道有個人 能催眠別人週末才尿尿

Oh, wait. You're not smiling.

–真是夠了，我不幹了，我要走人 –史黛西，妳給我站住

Let's do that again.

聽著，德魯能提升我們的公關形象

Yeah.

推崇音樂自負分子，不屑本節目 他聲稱可以改善一切

♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪

於是電視臺給他機會 如果這節目再度火紅起來

♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪

德魯就添了一筆戰績 他會去拍更多紀錄片

♪ Whoa oh ♪

然後我們再用他薪水的七成來請妳

♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪

若是大搞砸，我們就開除他 那妳能拿到他薪水的六成

♪ Whoa, oh oh, oh oh ♪

無論是哪種情況，我都會接手

♪ Whoa, oh oh, oh oh ♪

以他薪水的一半

What the balls, Marcy?! I've been busting my ass,

妳必須明白一點，這不是我的決定

and then you step on my throat in your Prada boats?

這是高層的決定 他們想要人事有所異動…

[gasps] Do you love 'em?

德魯，史黛西會交代你工作上的事情 也會帶你熟悉環境

I couldn't decide between brown or black, so I got 'em both.

我得聲明一點，德魯 高層人士可不想要大太的異動

Marcy, I haven't left this building in years.

我可是力薦你呢

I have missed birthdays, anniversaries,

之前使用這間辦公室的人 可有真多《唱出自我！》的紀念品啊

my mother's funeral.

還真多愁善感啊？

I haven't had a guy inside me that I remotely like

我們趕快帶你認識完環境 這樣我才能繼續做事

since before Obama was in office,

這位帥哥是誰呀？

and that includes when he was a senator.

崔伊布魯，這位是德魯戴維斯

I'm sorry about your mom and your vagina.

那位德魯戴維斯？

Who is this guy?

說《唱出自我！》堪稱音樂界的癌症 但能被治癒的德魯戴維斯？

Drew made that documentary piece

我的辦公室裡有為你準備的上吊繩

about how "Sing It!" is ruining the music industry.

他是我們的新監製

Does he have any TV experience?

德魯戴維斯耶？

Experience is overrated,

那個才華洋溢的製片人？

and I can tell you that from experience.

我想說的是…

So no show-running background?

我的辦公室裡…

Well, he graduated from film school at NYU,

有為你準備的一份報紙

and he was almost nominated for an Oscar

你隨時能過來拿… 她是你的意中人嗎？

for his documentary "The Day After Yesterday."

對，那是我的妮娜

That's today.

四年的深厚感情

Oh, my God. I just got that.

她在獅子山跟無國界醫生們

He is so deep.

治療伊波拉患者

Okay, um, how could you hire someone

–而我還跟你握手？ –我半年沒見到她了

with no TV experience to take over my show?

而我剛才還跟你握手？

Stacey, have you even seen his documentary on "Sing It"?

我鬧你玩的，我也會自慰

It's on my Netflix queue

作為《唱出自我！》 無可取代的門面主持人

of things never to watch.

我要送給你這一籃昂貴的乳液

I am in the goddamn trenches

作為見面禮

on the goddamn floor every goddamn night.

好好享用鳳梨吧，是從墨西哥來的

I don't have time to pee,

這裡堪稱雜役之都 製作助理，研究員與助理都在這

let alone watch someone criticize my show.

瞭解

I know a guy who can hypnotize you to only pee on the weekends.

–那得去認識，打個招呼 –太好了

That's it. I quit. I'm out.

老大

Stacey! Stacey, Stacey, stay right where you are.

作為妳的新助理 我幫妳買了咖啡跟妳示好

Listen. Drew is good for our P.R.

那你應該拿去給那位“天才” 他才是你的新上司

[scoffs]

我知道，崔伊已經發推特了 我只是想讓妳親口說出來

Respected music snob disses show,

德魯，這位是你的新助理路克可恩

claims he can fix it.

很好

Network gives him the opportunity.

癱瘓很好，脊髓損傷也很好

If the show becomes a beast again,

你今晚要跟你的文青朋友碰面

Drew has a notch in his belt, and he heads off to make more documentaries,

吹噓自己有多豁達

and then we hire you for 70% of his salary.

一邊還吃著街頭手工玉米餅，對吧？

If it's a disaster, we fire him.

心胸好寬大喔

Then you take over at 60% of his salary.

我沒想到我對我坐輪椅的私人助理

So either way, I take over.

首次見面的反應竟然是安撫他 還假裝這沒什麼大不了

At 50% of his salary.

那是我的錯

And just so you know,

我應該更盡力的

this did not come from me. It came from the higher-ups.

很期待與你共事，路克

They wanted to shake things up, so...

那真是太好了

Okay, Drew, Stacey is going to show you the ropes

《唱出自我》

and give you your tour.

播出倒數

For the record, Drew,

這裡就像是第二個家

the folks up top did not want a big shake-up.

史黛西，這是妳要的海選精彩片段

I fought hard for you.

好極了

Whoever was in here before

這怎麼會是精彩片段？ 這些人唱得爛透了

had a lot of "Sing It! mementoes.

觀眾愛死了 我們就是花錢請他們來出糗的

Pretty maudlin, right?

妳做了什麼？

Let's get this tour over with so I can get back to work.

我們雇用演員來亂唱 抱歉，是唱得爛透了

Oh.

你來管事的，卻不知道

Who's this handsome fella?

實境秀最明顯的就是造假？

Troy Blue, Meet Drew Davies.

我知道不該再這樣下去了

The Drew Davies,

總之呢，看節目就是為了看別人出糗

as in "'Sing It!' is cancer to music,

不，有太多隔閡了

but could be cured," Drew Davies?

主控室卡在我們跟歌手之間

I have a noose in my office with your name on it.

誇大不實的節目製作 卡在歌手與觀眾之間

He's our new executive producer.

我們必須摧毀那些隔閡 才能讓觀眾對音樂有所共鳴

The Drew Davies?

或者我們能直接殺到別人家去 在他們面前高歌

[laughs]

要是收視率下降 我們可能就真得那麼做了

As in the brilliant filmmaker?

我才不管什麼藉口

Oh, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what I meant was--

我們要遵守時限，各位

is--is--is--is--is-- is that I have a noose-paper

聽懂了嗎？

in-in my office with your name on it,

就算我們都很討厭新的爛製作人

so you can just swing on by and--

你們也要為了今晚的節目振作起來

Ooh, is that your special lady?

第一印象最重要

Yep, that's my Nina, four years strong.

午餐時間到，大家好好享用餐點吧 努力工作，盡情放鬆

She's in Sierra Leone.

–史黛西，抱歉，我很快就回來做事 –等一下

She's working with Doctors Without Borders,

我要介紹妳認識一個人

curing Ebola patients.

我是大家都已經討厭的新任爛製作人

Ohh! And I just shook your hand.

天啊，我蠢斃了

I haven't seen her in six months.

我非常抱歉

Ohh! And I just shook your hand?

柯芮是舞臺監督

Nah, I'm just messing with you.

舞臺監督是負責什麼的？

[whispers] I masturbate, too.

她會帶你參觀完畢

Well, as the irreplaceable face of "Sing It!"

–嗨，我實在很抱歉 –沒關係

I present to you

我知道我得證明我的實力 並向大家，還有妳多多學習

this basket of expensive lotions

之前都沒有製作人想要跟我學習

as a welcome gift,

你這是在誘惑我嗎？

so enjoy the pineapple.

不，我可沒有

It's from México.

史黛西怎麼了？

Okay, so this is grunt city,

妳知道她為什麼 一直對我冷冰冰的嗎？

P.A.s, researchers, assistants.

我可能沒資格這麼說，不過…

Got it. Gonna meet and greet.

大家都以為會是史黛西接手

Great.

她為此努力了許多年

Hey, boss.

我怎會沒注意到這件事？

As your new assistant,

真蠢

I brought you a coffee as a peace offering.

抱歉

Well, you're gonna want to give it to Genius Bar over there.

嘿

He's your new boss.

我買了咖啡給妳

I know.

–這是幹嘛？ –示好囉

Troy already tweeted it.

史黛西，我完全沒想到他們 把妳的工作給了我

I just wanted to make you say it.

那從來就不是我的工作

Drew, meet Luke Crane, your new assistant.

若是這種情形發生在我身上

Oh, okay. Cool.

我也會討厭我自己的 而我不想要妳討厭我

Oh.

這對我們兩個而言 都是很不公平的情況

Paralysis is cool.

–看得出來你也很不好受吼 –是真的很難受

Spinal-cord injuries are cool.

因為我最該倚仗的人

What, you're gonna go meet up

已經想把崔伊的麥克風 塞到我屁眼裡了

with your hipster buddies tonight,

史黛西！ 妳的《唱出自我！》程式可以用了

brag about what a generous guy you are while you eat

程式？我喜歡，那是要幹嘛的？

your artisanal street tacos, aren't you?

我這陣子在研發的東西

So openhearted.

觀眾可以透過程式 票選出最喜歡的參賽者

Hmm.

太好了！

You know, I didn't realize

只有一個小問題 我要刪掉觀眾票選的功能

that my initial response to somebody in a wheelchair

你再說一次？

being my personal assistant was to placate

選秀節目每次都是那些帥哥美女 或是服裝華麗的人獲勝

and pretend like it wasn't a concern.

我們不能再把節目 當音樂舞會來經營了

That was false of me.

我釐清一下 你要把我們逐漸消失的觀眾群

I strive for better.

唯一能參與的管道也拿掉

I look forward to working with you, Luke.

從現在開始，觀眾不能投票

Sweet. That's sweet.

而是評審來投

This is home away from home.

不好意思，請等一下

Stacey, here's that audition highlight reel

如果我知道當評審真的要講評的話

you were asking for.

我絕對不會來當評審的

Great.

–不，我只要坐好，看起來很美 –或是一臉宿醉

[singing poorly] ♪ Girl ♪

然後黑臉給觀眾當

♪ I'm afraid to tell you ♪

我才不要當扮黑臉

♪ That I want you, baby ♪

我不想要妳當黑臉

[half-singing] ♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪

我要妳好好當個評審

♪ Of thee, I sing ♪

總共只有兩個評審 要是我們投不同票，你就完了

♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪

這就是為什麼下週開始 我要請來第三位評審

♪ How I wonder what ♪

我要打給我的經紀人 請注意，明星的命也是命

...you are.

荷莉，妳跟真命天女拆夥後 等於自毀前程了

How is this a highlight reel?

大家都等著看妳笑話

These people are abysmal.

等著看妳剃光頭或是朝鄰居家丟雞蛋

The audience loves it.

你是在否定我嗎？因為有點起了作用

That's why we pay them to suck.

妳曾有過史上最棒的單飛流行專輯

You do what?

《荷莉路亞》

We hire actors to be bad.

–雖然有人會說這太自命不凡了 –還真大言不慚啊

Sorry, abysmal.

但我卻認為太有才了

You're in charge, and you don't know

會自己寫歌的流行歌手耶

the most obvious thing about reality television?

大眾必須重新好好認識真正的妳

Well, I know it needs to stop.

而在這過程中，妳會幫忙 找到下一個荷莉

♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪

好，我願意

♪ In the treetop... ♪

–那你呢，貝瑞？ –大家都知道我是狠角色

Anyway, this is typically where we watch the show from.

我是歷年來最成功的專輯製作人

No, no, no, no.

我還專門為我的葛萊美獎座 在馬里布蓋了一棟房子

There are too many barriers.

但你都不製作專輯了呀

This control room

你過去五年對於年輕後起之秀的貢獻

gets between us and the singers.

只有焦慮和厭食症

The overblown production

–可不是嘛 –妳又不年輕了

gets between the singers and the audience.

看吧，我就是這個意思

We need to tear down those barriers

你變得很愛諷刺人

if we want the viewers

你有機會成為歌唱比賽中

to connect to the music.

唯一真正會講評的評審

Or we could just go to everyone's house and sing to them.

運用你超凡的品味還有音樂專長

Well, if the ratings get any lower,

加入吧，貝瑞

we might actually have to do that.

跟我一起踏上這個旅程

WOMAN: I don't give a rat's ass about excuses!

你真的在乎音樂？

We have a day to make, people!

我此生為音樂而存在

Do you hear me?!

好啦，我願意…

Even though we all hate the new douche-bag E.P.,