you'll see the rise of two types of people.

你就會看出這世上其實有兩種人

Number one: people who don't let fear divide them

第一種人，他們不會因恐懼搞分裂

and instead choose to come together.

反而是選擇團結起來面對恐懼

And number two: racist idiots who don't deserve

第二種人，就是不配擁有網路連線的

an internet connection.

87 種族歧視者

Here's the thing, right, I just don't like

重點來了，我這人呢

when people are bad at things.

很討厭別人做事情做得不好

If you're gonna be racist, at least do it right.

如果你真要當個種族歧視者，至少好好當嘛

Now look at this comment on my YouTube video.

現在我們來看看這則在我 YouTube 影片底下的留言

Go back to your country, you terrorist Paki,

滾回你的祖國，你這巴基佬恐怖份子、

Afghan, Indian, Muslim slut.

阿富汗、印度、穆斯林蕩婦

Hashtag Make Americ Great Again.

#讓美國重新強大起來

Now I don't mean to discourage Merrick.

我其實也無意讓 Merrick 失去自信心

He seems like a great guy.

他看起來是個不錯的人

But your stupidity bothers me.

但你的愚蠢真讓我困擾

First and foremost, let's make education great again.

最首要的，是要讓教育重新強大起來吧

In fact...

事實上...

(upbeat piano music)

(輕快鋼琴音樂)

Hello, and welcome.

歡迎各位，大家好

We'll begin by taking attendance.

我們先來點個名

Are you here?

你在嗎?

Of course you are.

你當然在

YouTube comments are how you feel validated.

在 YouTube 影片下留言是你獲得自我認同感的方式

Today, we're going to be taking a trip around the world,

今天，我們將踏上一場環遊世界的旅程

so you'll need to pack.

所以記得整理行李喔

It's probably been years since you've had the chance

你可能已經一段時間沒機會用到你的護照了

to use your passport, just like your penis.

就像你的 GG 一樣

But don't worry, this time,

不過別擔心，這次

you'll actually take off.

你一定會順利起飛

To go back to my foreign country, we'll need to fly

想回到我的國家，我們必須乘坐

a long 45 minutes all the way back to Canada.

長達 45 分鐘的飛機回到加拿大

But I'm assuming you thought my country was somewhere else,

但我猜你一定以為我的祖國在其他地方

so let's fly across the world to the country

所以讓我們飛到

of PakiAfghanIndia.

巴基阿富汗印度

India is all the way over here, across the ocean.

印度遠在海洋的另一端

So unfortunately, you won't be able to drive your trailer there.

所以很不幸地，你沒辦法開你的露營車過去

Oh covfefe.

藍瘦香菇（註：川普在推特上創造的新詞）

Once you board your flight, settle in,

登機後，調整好座位

it's going to be a long journey.

這趟旅途會很長

But that's okay, you can take a good rest.

但沒關係，你可以好好休息

It must be so exhausting to walk

因為在機場順利通過安檢

right through airport security.

一定把你給累壞了

The aircraft you're flying will probably be a double decker,

你坐的飛機應該是一架

which means it'll have about 300 to 400 people on board,

可乘載 300～400 人的雙層客機

which is approximately the same amount of people

這樣的載客數大概跟

at Trump's inauguration.

川普就職典禮的人數差不多

JK, that's an alternative fact.

開玩笑ㄉ，那是另類的事實

But you're probably used to those, from watching so much Fox News.

不過你可能常看福斯新聞，所以也早習慣那些話了

Please note that we're not gonna fly through the Bermuda Triangle,

請注意本班機不會飛越百慕達三角洲

because things mysteriously disappear there.

因為經過這邊，東西會神秘地消失

In fact, that's probably where your education went.

其實，你的教育很可能就是在這消失的

We're going to fly across the Atlantic Ocean,

我們會飛越大西洋

around Africa and through this passageway.

延著非洲並飛過這條通道

That's very narrow, just like your mind.

這裡相當狹窄，就跟你的思想一樣

You may recognize some of these countries we're flying over

你可能會認為我們飛越的這些國家

as places immigrants come from to steal your jobs.

就是偷你工作的移民人士的祖國

Or just the same countries you steal oil from.

但換個方式講就是讓你偷石油的國家

Once we reach our destination, you'll notice that India,

我們一抵達目的地你便會注意到

Pakistan and Afghanistan are actually three separate countries,

印度、巴基斯坦和阿富汗其實是三個不同的國家

you silly American Aussie Brit.

你這蠢蠢美澳英國佬

When you land and are going through customs

當飛機安全降落你準備過海關

and they ask for your occupation,

他們問起你的職業時

make sure you say trashcan,

切記要說你是垃圾桶

and when they ask your date of birth, be sure to say 3000 BC

當他們問到你的出生年月日，記得說你是公元前 3000 年出生的

You effin caveman.

你這ＴＭＤ山頂洞人

You'll notice right away that India is full of

你會馬上注意到，印度是個充滿

beautiful sites and culture, and I know what

美景及文化的地方，我也知道

you're thinking, it probably smells like curry.

你可能正想著：印度一定充滿咖哩味

And you know what, you're right.

而你知道嗎，你說的沒錯

And it's delicious.

印度聞起來真的很美味

And although there are approximately 175 million

雖然印度有約 1.75 億的

Muslims in India, there are approximately two billion

穆斯林信徒，全世界的穆斯林信徒

in the whole world, which means if every Muslim

約有二十億之多，表示如果每個穆斯林信徒

was a terrorist, you wouldn't stand a goddam chance.

都是恐怖份子，你的存活機率等於零

Good thing they're not.

所以好家在他們不是

Now that we're here, the good news is

既然我們到了這裡，好消息是

your wife can save all that money

你的老婆可以把所有

she spends at tanning salons

她花在日曬沙龍努力

trying to look closer to my complexion.

曬出我膚色的錢存下來

Quick travel tip, if you're going to India,

如果你要去印度，給你個小小的旅遊撇步

they don't kill cows there, so there's no beef.

他們不殺牛，所以印度沒有牛肉

But don't worry, because if you kill anything,

不過不要擔心，因為就算你殺生

it'll be considered mental illness.

也只會被認為是心理疾病

So you're good.

所以不用煩惱

I hope you've enjoyed this trip

希望你享受這趟

to where you think I'm from.

你幻想中我祖國的旅程

And I promise, if I ever meet a genie,

而我保證，哪天我遇到神燈精靈

all three of my wishes will be for you to get an atlas.

我的三個願望都會是：希望你能收到一張世界地圖

To be honest, whether I went back to my country of Pakistan, India or even Canada,

老實說，不管我回不回巴基斯坦、印度、或是加拿大

I don't see how that would benefit you

我都想不透這對你有什麼益處

since my tax bracket helps pay for your kid's education.

因為我的稅還付了你小孩的教育費用

You're welcome, Timothy.

Timothy 別客氣

Hello, I hope you enjoyed this video.

哈囉，我希望你喜歡這支影片

If you did, give it a big thumb's up.

如果喜歡的話，別忘記按讚

If you believe that we should come together

如果你認為我們應該在緊要關頭同心協力

in times of need and not let fear divide us,

而且不能讓恐懼分裂你我

give it a big thumb's up.

記得按讚

My last video's over there.

我上支影片在這

My second vlog channel's right over there,

我的生活頻道就在這裡

and make sure you subscribe.

然後記得訂閱我的頻道

Because I make videos every Monday and Thursday,

因為我每個星期一和四都會有新影片

One Love Superwoman.

女超人，愛無限

That is a wrap, and zoop!

收工，呼！