Now anybody who knows me,

認識我的應該知道

knows that when I play a game, I wanna hit a button,

我喜歡玩那種操作便利的遊戲

*Click*

喀擦

"Click it down."

給他按下去

and play the game.

然後暢快遊玩

What I don't wanna do, is sit through a bunch of dumb bullshit.

我不喜歡為了玩個遊戲弄些阿里不達的東西

"Don't waste MY MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME!"

別浪費我他媽的時間!

With Mass Effect: Andromeda, dumb shit takes center stage.

在質量效應：仙女座中 這爛操作竟能昇華到神一般的境界

To say that Bioware dropped the ball here is to be a comedy man.

我只能說 Bioware發行這遊戲是來搞笑的

The ball has fallen off of a fucking cliff,

就像顆掉下爛懸崖的笨球

into the center of an erupting volcano.

一路掉到滾燙噴發的岩漿裡

On a tech level, the game has regressed five years back from the original Mass Effect.

在技術層面 他已經退回到5年前的質量效應了

Which came out in 2007.

2007年的操作阿...

Okay, things are fucked!

Okay 這是遜斃了

Uh-oh, guys.

痾...哥兒們

I think I broke her.

我好像把她弄壞了

Look at this footage from the original game.

我們先來看2007年的

A little stiff, but when this came out, these graphics were incredible!

雖然有點生硬 但在當時 這畫面真的太棒了

Now look at Mass Effect: Andromeda

現在回過頭來看仙女座

Notice how the animation looks a little off.

你看看這已經失常的畫面

Originally I tried to make my custom guy look like this,

我原本想捏的角色是長這樣

but after hours of trial and error, I realized

但經過了幾個小時的努力與錯誤 我發現...

I just could not beat BioWare at their own game.

我根本無力反抗Bioware的爛設計

The default female character's face has been mathematically perfected

預設女性的臉就制式化來說非常的好

by a team of elite genetic scientists

由基因遺傳學的菁英一手培育

to be the dumbest fucking face achievable by humankind.

真的好到 他媽蠢的像狗

*Angelic choir*

00:01:14,020 --> 00:01:17,120 於舊作中 採第三人稱射擊

Previous Mass Effect games were solid third person shooters

身旁還有一群具特色的夥伴帶領玩家

that were carried by interesting characters

以及一些經典的獨立支線

and a lot of self-contained episodic storylines.

戰鬥過程非常有趣 偶爾還得動動腦

The combat was fun, and a little strategic,

但整體動作與射擊表現的結合非常棒 讓人滿意

but it was mostly satisfying because of the context for the shooting.

回到仙女座 根本就是在講一群機器人

Mass Effect: Andromeda is about a robot with no human emotions,

以及一群豬一樣的隊友

interacting with a team of fucking dickwads,

每隔一段時間就灌你一臉超爛的冷笑話

who unrelentingly berate the player with lame-ass jokes every fourteen seconds.

Liam:我想她可能真的生氣了

Liam: "I think I really pissed that one off!"

可能是我射在他臉上的緣故

"Maybe because I shot him in the face!"

00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:51,720 首先 這些配音員到底是誰阿?

*canned laugh track*

Peebee:啊哈 這是甚麼呢?

First things first, who the fuck are any of these voice actors?

驢子:那是門阿

Peebee: "Aha, what have we here?

喔耶 你們還記得Christine Lakin嗎?

DUNKEY: That's a door.

他在蓋酷家族第一集有幫寶拉的朋友配音耶!

Oh yeah guys, remember Christine Lakin?

哇靠 閃電麥坤也有份?

She played Paula's friend #1 in Family Guy.

00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,860 你們真的不認識Don Gilet是誰?

Wow, they got Gary Carr?

他演了那麼多不存在的電視影集 你還不認識他?

*vroom*

Ryder:讓我們冷靜一下 放鬆自己的情緒吧

Are you really telling me you don't know who Don Gilet is?

看看人家 質量效應2的大卡司 Martin Sheen

From all these TV shows that don't even exist?

Carrie-Anne Moss

Ryder: "Let's dial down the emotion so we can be clear-headed."

Seth Green Keith David 這些都是你看過的演員

Meanwhile, Mass Effect 2 was hittin' you with fuckin' Martin Sheen,

他們用最棒的表現以及最佳的配音

Carrie-Anne Moss,

讓每個角色活靈活現 也讓整個世界觀更加迷人

Seth Green, Keith David, actual recognized actors

好了 再回到仙女座

who instill a huge sense of presence and authenticity

看看這隻肥狗恐龍

in the characters and the world of the game.

讓你猜一下 它的聲音大概會怎樣? 猜一下

Okay, now we're back in the new Mass Effect.

好了嗎

Look at this big dinosaur-looking ass dude.

我是Nakmoor Kesh 這星際站的負責人

Real quick in your head, just envision what you think this guy sounds like, okay?

我是Nakmoor Kesh 這星際站的負責人

Okay.

這聲音根本搭不起來阿!

Kesh: "I'm Nakmoor Kesh, superintendant of this station."

這只是暖身罷了

That is not what you thought it would sound like.

戰鬥的部分被簡化到一次只能帶三種技能

We're just warming up now.

而且你還不能使用隊友的能力

The combat has been dumbed down to where you can only have three moves at a time,

我想他們大概誤以為這樣能達到簡化遊戲的目的 就像《質量效應2》一樣

and you can't use your squadmate abilities,

不同的是，當時他們簡化大多是初代最惱人的部分

which I assume was some misguided effort to streamline the game like they did with Mass Effect 2,

你看 我根本不知道我接下來要玩啥鳥任務

except in that game, they mostly just stripped away annoying shit from the first game.

Okay 指引方向是我這邊

Here, I can't even figure out how to get to the fucking mission I'm trying to do.

(死路)

Okay, it's telling me to go over here.

Okay.. 這... 應該是那邊?

*pop* Uhp.

(走錯囉)

Okay, this... I guess we're going this way?

嘿 等等 在後面啦 後面

*pop* Oh wait!

終於到了 原來在這阿

Wait! It's back... it's back over here now, okay.

原來是要按這個面....

There it is. That's what you gotta do.

天阿... (請選擇目的地)

You just gotta go to this thing.

到底要去哪阿?

Aw, shit.

終於到囉 看到那目標了?

Now where do I go?

70公尺 走吧

There it is, you see that over there?

(跳) 就快... (走錯囉)

70 meters, there we go.

三小? 到底是怎..

Okay, we just- *pop*

這選單看起來真的有夠亂的 完全沒有排序好啊

The fuck? It just went-

這啥鬼? 睡眠艙?

It's so clogged with unintuitive menus and interfaces

這又是甚麼鬼阿? 到底

The fuck are cryo pods?

突擊小隊又是三小啦? 到底

What am I doing here? What-

你看看這槍的升級系統

What the fuck is strike teams? What-

他不是給你一個你實際擁有的武器清單

Look at how you upgrade your guns.

而是把遊戲中的每一種都列出來 這還沒完

Instead of just giving you a list of the guns you've actually acquired,

你還只是做出藍圖而已喔

it lists every weapon in the game, and then you're still not done.

現在你還得找相關材料

You've actually only crafted a blueprint,

假如你有那些的材料的話

which needs to be researched now,

除此之外 質量效應莫名的在這代成了開放式世界遊戲

assuming you have the right materials.

Paaran She:請跟緊一點 別擅自探索城市和人溝通

On top of this, Mass Effect is now an open world game for no discernible reason.

驢子:這就是我玩電玩的原因

Paaran Shie: "Follow closely. Do not try to explore the city or interact with anyone."

講真的 BioWare 把質量效應做成開放式世界後

Dunkey: This is why I play video games.

整個遊戲有三分之二的時間 都是在開這台破爛車

Really, all that BioWare has accomplished by making Mass Effect open world,

嘿 Tony 給我來兩杯

is that two-thirds of the game is now driving this fucking piece 'a shit car around.

給我快一....

Hey Tony, gimme two drinks, huh?

三小阿? 太快了吧

Make 'em extra quick-

00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,780 還有等待時間 真的有夠多

The fuck?

而且真的狀況百出

*dunkey laughing*

你每次要去別的星球都得看這該死的特效

There's also a lot of waiting,

動畫!

and really detrimental oversights

縮放銀河系?

like having to watch these stupid cinematics every time you wanna go to a new planet.

看動畫啦!

Animation.

準備登陸?

Zoom out of the galaxy?

動畫啦!

Watch an animation.

哇哩 走錯星球囉

Land on a planet?

動畫會幫你回到船上

Animation.

好吧 又來了

Oops, wrong planet.

Okay

Animation to get back on your ship.

我只需要....只需要駭進這台主控機...

Uh oh, here we go again.

就快好... 好囉

Okay.

真簡單

Just gotta... just hack into the mainframe...

現在來談正事了

just knock this out- there we go.

來談這遊戲真正"糞"的地方

Simple as that.

就是主角

But let's focus in now,

我不是非得要 Shepard才能擔任質量效應的主角

on what really makes this game such a shitshow:

但至少他做得很棒

the main character.

而他的配音員 Mark Meer

Now I'm not gonna act like Shepard was one of the most iconic characters in video games,

配得很棒 讓他更有領導者的風範

but he got the job done.

Shepard:我會找到擊敗他的方法

And I thought Mark Meer, who voiced him,

Sara Ryder 這代的主角

did a great job making that character feel like a leader.

真是一個 沒特色 超遜 的爛角耶

Shepard: "I'll find some way to take him down."

一個完全與劇情脫軌的角色

Sara Ryder, on the other hand,

玩家們可以在整個劇情看到這悲慘的設定

is such a generic, wimpy piece of trash character

The Cardinal:我想你開始了解Kett

who is so disconnected from the events of the game,

送給仙女座的禮...

that it severs any connection the player could have had to the story.

Sara:不盡然

The Cardinal: "I see you begin to understand the gift

驢子:也太弱了吧 !

that the kett bring to all andr-"

不只是動畫表現爛

Sara: "Not likely."

包含她整體的對話以及姿態

Dunkey: That was so fucking weak!

讓她看起來真的有夠機歪的

It's not just the animation,

Sara:哇嗚 Sam 那是啥?

it's the dialogue and the delivery of her lines

驢子:是門阿 你他媽智...

which makes her such an unlikeable character.

Sara:我父親死了

Sara: "Whoa, SAM what is this?"

Addison:Alec....死了?

Dunkey: IT'S A DOOR YOU PIECE OF SH-

驢子:你看起來真的傷心過頭了

Sara: "My father's dead."

質量效應:仙女座 是最不人性化 爛原創 基礎完全毀壞...

Addison: "Alec... is dead?"

操你的爛遊戲

Dunkey: You look really broken up about that.

Mass Effect: Andromeda is inhuman, unoriginal, and fundamentally broken.

Fuck this game.

(Outro)