嘗試的人養育幼兒的一天。父親的身份。第三部分 (The Try Guys Raise Toddlers For A Day. Fatherhood: Part 3)

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(child yelling)
- It changes you.
- [Ned] Don't you punch my weiner!
(children yelling)
- I am so overwhelmed.
(laughing)
(lively jazz music)
We're here, we're doing it, today we're raising kids!
- So I'm gonna be raising someone else's child for a day.
- Oh, good luck.
(laughing) - I don't know what to think.
- You're not qualified.
(laughs)
- So what was I like as a toddler?
- Complete pain in the ass.
- [Eugene's Dad] You were daydreaming every day.
- When you were two and you were three,
you were really strong-willed.
- Me and my wife are pretty close to having children.
- I'm still not so good at taking care of myself.
- I'm not the most fond of babies.
- It'll be fun, I'm a boy, I get along with boys.
I mean look at all these toys.
We're gonna have a great time.
(crying) - Uh-oh.
- It's tiring.
- You're losing sleep.
- Every day is new.
- It's like having a tornado for a pet.
- There he goes. - I have to go for that one.
- It's like taking care of your drunk friend.
- My name is David, I have a 14-month-old son Isadore.
- You're a rockst-- ow!
- Anything that he is not supposed to get, he wants.
- Hey, what did you just find on this?
Yeah, not good, dude.
Dominik is 22 months, just turned it.
- Oh it's in his, it's in his mouth.
(laughing)
Just really going at it, just really chewing it.
- This is a two-year-old.
- Woah, woah, woah, hey, hey!
- Good catch!
Better dad than me.
So this is Oskar, and then I have a 7-week-old at home.
He did say at one point he wanted to throw him
in the trash can.
(screaming, crying)
- Dex, don't take a book from a baby sweetheart,
for what I consider to be obvious reasons.
(yells)
- So this is your life?
- This is Odysseus, he's one, Ajax is four,
and Rex is six, six and a half.
- What's it like to be a dad?
- It's constantly-- (baby screams)
Constant chaos.
- When you have a kid, you sign up for stress.
- As soon as they get to like, 10 months, that's
when they start crawling, and that's crazy town.
- He's like a wild little beast.
(children yelling)
- Yeah.
- I couldn't get anything done with these three.
- You don't get anything done!
I mean you go to sleep at 1:30 or 2:00, you get up at 5:30.
You've seen me, you know me.
How do I get, I don't know?
- So I'm gonna, I guess sort of reverse Asian this
and be the adoptive father?
- Hello Oskar, I'm Ned.
- So I'm your dad now.
- I'll be hanging out with you today.
Does that sound like a good time?
- Uh-uh.
- No.
- You're not gonna like, throw up on me, are ya?
- Dominik, come here! - Dom, wait, Dom, come back.
- Dragging the baby was never in any of my parenting books.
- (chuckling) He's tripped six times in the last ten steps.
(humming)
- Do you think Ned's boring?
(laughing)
- (laughing) There he goes again!
- Do children often try to just get away?
- That one does, yeah.
(laughing)
- Now why doesn't Ned try to tickle?
(laughing)
- Fetch!
- Alright, well, it looks like you have
your work cut out for you, Ned.
- Is it rude for me to say I want out?
- Do you think I'm gonna do well?
- Uhh, wouldn't say.
(laughs)
- It's daddy time!
My main goal today is just to make sure
that the kid doesn't die.
- Make sure nobody chokes to death.
I've never choked to death, so I'm an expert.
- My strengths today are
I've got a lot of energy, I'm ready to go,
and my weaknesses are I don't know anything.
- Hello!
- I'll knock.
- Hey! - Hello!
- Can you say hi to Ned?
- Hi, Ned.
- This is your domain, you can be daddy now.
- I am daddy.
- You basically just keep him alive.
- He needs a change, this is what he wore to sleep.
- Hopefully I don't (bleep) this up.
- He does repeat things, so watch out.
- Okay.
- Good luck. - Thank you.
- You're a dad to me, I will be in the other room.
Boys, entertain him!
- I will, um, figure out what to do with you, Dom.
- Where's daddy?
- Oh, see, already hates me.
Already doesn't wanna stay with me.
Off to a great start.
Oh, I should take care of this kid, alright,
(bleep) ouch.
Oh, (bleep)!
Oh my god I keep saying it!
(laughing)
Okay, I'm not gonna, whoo!
- I was the youngest of three boys,
but I've never dealt with the chaos
that was my own childhood dynamic.
- Alright, I'm your dad today.
Could we put down the screen, Ajax?
- He still isn't of the age where you can reason with him.
- Dom, where'd you go?
- Hey, Ajax, Ajax!
- Dom!
- Your dad's, I'm your dad now, and screen time's over,
I don't know where you're going.
- Okay lets, do you take your own shirt off?
Or, do you want me to help you or what?
- Book.
- Butts?
- Dom, wait for me.
Dom, Dom, Dom.
- Ajax, where are you at?
Ajax, we don't need the cupcake tin.
What, here, why are you opening this?
- Underwear goes off, okay.
And now we got Star Wars.
Oh, can't run around naked!
- Hit this, not me.
No, no, not me!
(clattering)
- I'm gonna eat.
- You okay over there Ajax?
- Follow me.
(clicks tongue)
Oh wait, no, that's what you do to a dog.
- [Ari] Alright, baby's up, let's go meet that baby.
- The baby's awake?
It's time to add another child to this
because I'm in too much control!
I need to go take care of your brother.
And then, can you guys, do you guys wanna
Should we give them a screen for a minute?
What do you do?
You got five minutes of screen time, how's that sound?
- Great!
- Try not to kill each other while I'm gone.
- We're gonna kill each other?
- Yeah, don't.
- Why?
- I feel like that's a pretty obvious reason.
Hey, who's this?
It's a stranger!
Good morning, Otis!
What are you wearing?
You are too adorable.
He's killing it with those blue squares.
- When you have kids, your whole life changes dramatically,
especially the first one.
- Oh, Otis, you do not smell the best.
- I've got my day job, so a lot of days I'm just not home.
- Three, two, one, up we go!
- So those nights where I am home
were nights where she works, then the sort of understanding
is I will try to do everything then.
- Hi boys, how you doing?
I got a third boy for ya.
Oh no?
What do you mean, oh no?
He's trouble?
(baby cooing)
- I mean I have all these advantages and it's hard as hell.
I've got a wife who's a great partner,
I've got a good job, my kids are healthy,
and it's super, super, super hard.
- Look at him dance!
Hey guys, look at him dance!
(chuckles)
- Given that, how dare I not at least
do my best at this?
- Ajax--
(dramatic music)
- Hey, hey, hey guys!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Both of you, hey, guys, guys!
Hey, Rex!
Can you guys both apologize to each other
for hitting each other?
You can, you can.
- Not everything's a teachable moment,
that's the other thing.
And that's taken me three kids and six years to figure out.
- Are we chill?
Hey, give me that screen.
What are you doing--
(blowing raspberry)
- How do I get him to like me?
- [David] The way you would want to get anyone to like you.
- I'm still trying to figure that out.
- Dom, do you wanna play with chalk?
Okay, I think he understood what I said.
- He's happy unless he cries, right?
- [David] I mean, he can get stoked.
- Yeah, throw things!
- We're gonna make something to eat.
I don't even know where to start.
(baby yells)
Yeah!
Man I really regret taking you out of the seat.
- [Ned] You're doing a great job unpacking.
Uh-oh.
- Yeah!
(bleep) that guy--Oh, man.
I'm sorry, you didn't hear that.
- Oh, man!
- I know, oh man, see,
he retained the second part of that sentence.
- Hey Izzy, you wanna go fast?
You wanna go whee?
Whee!
Little bit of a whiplash, there, you're good, though.
(making eating noises)
(baby talking) (gasp)
- Normally I think quiet babies are not
that cute, but this one's really cute.
Congratulations!
- I think he's getting the hang of it.
- Whee!
- Please Dom, have mercy! Ahh, no!
(laughs)
- And now the ultimate challenge of the dad,
using an oven while holding a baby.
(making noises, laughing)
- Just everything's a game.
Ahh!
- Get a little eyeshadow.
Oh no, no, don't actually do it, though.
- No, no, no, no
- They have a tendency to put everything in his mouth.
- [Zach] No, no, no, no.
- Are kids allowed to eat chalk?
Probably not, okay.
Let's take that off.
Oh yeah, lets spit that out, spit that out.
- We can't just eat flour.
- We're not!
- You were!
- Now he's eating a pencil.
- So we're almost halfway through this day,
and Oskar and I still aren't really connecting.
Do you wanna walk around the kitchen with me?
(singing)
So what was I like as a child?
- You weren't verbal at all in the beginning.
(grunting)
- Do you know how to play the guitar?
(strums guitar, sings)
What more do you want?
How do you know when you're ready to have kids?
- You're never ready.
- Gotta use your feet!
Alright.
- It tests the relationship like no other.
- I think my wife and I are pretty good
at communicating, but--
- It's next level.
- I promised Ariel that I'd get him to love me
by the end of the day, so I gotta.
Oh, yeah!
Bounce house, bounce house!
- My relationship with my wife is 50/50 in terms of
the responsibilities we share because I feel like--
(laughing)
- He just blew your dick up!
Oh, god!
- This is really fun, but I'm noticing
that it's very hot outside, and uh--
(Isadore yells)
- Alright here we go, yeah!
- How do you get him to be still or quiet?
- You don't!
- Whoo!
- A lot of lifting, okay.
Whoo!
- It started out calm, I called Rex out
on his cheating, and then we started robbing the bank.
- Let's have a money party!
- Alright, money party, let's do it.
- Oskar, Oskar!
- Whee!
- It's a lot about, just kind of keeping things moving.
- Ahh!
- You're gonna break it, you don't wanna break your game.
It was a trap!
(yelling)
- Dom!
(Dominik screams)
- No let's maybe not do money party again,
we just got rid of money party.
We were so close!
We were so close!
(yelling)
(children's toy playing song)
- Food?
Nom nom?
Banana?
- Alright guys, it's time for lunch,
so screen time is done.
- Ready for na na Dom?
- Na na!
- Yeah, no, he does love food.
- Give me one second.
- If we gave this to him, he's eaten the whole--
- rind? - yes.
- This is fun, I like watching him
figure out where his mouth is.
- I think what's really interesting about this stage
is the notion of no.
- Guys, hey guys!
- Are you done?
That's a smart kid.
- He's gonna kind of like, start presenting
you all these alternatives.
- Wanna turn it back on?
Thank you.
- The reason why it's terrible twos
is 'cause they're gonna challenge your authority
and see how far they can push it.
- Wait a second.
- Na na?
- No, no.
That's it.
That's it for today.
No more na na.
- Oskar, I'm still in the bounce house.
- And sometimes he'll just give it right back
to me and say no!
- No!
- No na na.
No more na-- (Dominik yells)
- As a dad you have to let them know
that you're in charge.
You can't let them run over you.
- Oskar, that's enough.
We're either bouncing, or not bouncing!
- Then what?
- Have you read Revelation?
- Ajax.
- It's okay, shh.
- I don't like that!
- Oh, oh.
- Alright, that's it.
Young man, there's no more bounce house today.
- Thanks, buddy.
Guys, hey!
Hey!
No!
(crying)
It's okay.
- It's over.
It's just a house now.
There's no bounce in it anymore.
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice.
It's okay.
It's alright, you gotta put your shoes back on.
(crying)
- Oh, boy.
- Really crying it out right now.
(crying)
- Mommy!
- I feel like I've messed up.
- You okay Oskar?
- The more you do it, then you understand
how to navigate these types of scenarios.
- Okay, let's get him to bed.
Let's get him to bed.
Turn off the light.
Yeah.
- You guys really lather on that ketchup.
- We love ketchup.
- I think most kids do.
- Yeah!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- It's okay.
- I give myself a D.
- I'll give you a C, but if you wake him up again,
you get an F.
- Also, when we need to have a song
called We Like Book.
- We Like Book?
- Yeah.
- Well I'd love to hear it.
- (singing) We like book, book,
we like book, book
we like book, book all day!
We like book, book
we like book, book
We like book, book all day!
Now, and that's the end.
- I'm actually kinda glad that's the end.
- I think probably the importance of nap time
is more for the parents than for the child.
(laughing)
- Your kid uses diapers still.
- Yes, he's 14 months.
- Well, I don't know.
- You just wanna determine, what do you think?
Is there something there?
- Oh, that's a poo!
(laughs)
- Did I ever have like any really gnarly poops?
- To this day you still do.
(laughs)
- That's a big one.
- It's a big one.
- It got up to your leg.
How did that happen?
You had an office job before you had him.
- I mean, I worked at Buzzfeed.
You can't be wimpy about this.
You know, it's a demanding job.
You don't wipe up, because you don't wanna put it in his--
- In his penis, okay.
- I mean my grandfather changed one diaper, four kids.
- In his entire life?
- In his entire life.
You're being real delicate.
- Well he's a delicate babe!
- And I don't wanna be that kind of person.
- No, it's like this?
- I wanted to figure out a way to put Isadore
in the center of my world.
(Isadore singing)
- I think he's saying wrap this up!
- I love him so much, that he sort of put me
in a totally different mindset
than I even thought I was capable of.
(Zach making noises)
- Oh, I need to wash my hands.
Okay.
(laughing)
Let's go!
- The best thing that I can offer him is myself.
- Woohoo!
- Nothing beats the real thing.
- Oh, boys!
Y'all wanna go outside?
Aww, yeah!
Aww, yeah!
- The thing is, you actually put the kid
in there first, and then you strap on all that other stuff.
- Biscuits!
- Get it, flip it!
Flip it, yeah!
That was awesome!
- Yo, it's time for popsicles.
(laughing)
- Run, run, run!
- Whoo!
- Why are these people waving at me?
Is this what it's like having a baby?
Everyone just loves you?
- And just, let it go.
Feels good, feels good.
- What are you doing?
How'd you get our camera bag?
Get it out of your mouth!
That's disgusting.
- He has discovered stairs.
You are just constantly finding danger, aren't you?
- Also, you know, I don't really like babies very much.
- Okay, well maybe a little gentler.
- Do you have any advice for how to try to connect
with a little kid?
- Act like you are a two-year-old.
- What does monkey say?
(monkey grunting)
- He loves monkeys, so I'm gonna become a monkey.
- Monkey?
(laughs)
(making noises)
- What does the zebra say?
- Zebra!
- Wow. - Yeah.
- We're trying to learn - That's exactly
- to teach him that one - what a zebra says.
- A couple of crazy things happened
that let surrogacy happen in my life.
- How far does this go down?
(laughs)
- That's too much!
- I actually co-parent him with
a friend of mine, who's his bio-mom.
- Gotcha.
- She's married to another woman.
So gay dude dad, lesbian mom!
- [Eugene] That explains all the denim.
(laughs)
- I didn't say that, you did!
- This is a really bumpy sidewalk.
This is off-roading basically.
Jeez, alright.
- I knew that there would be a huge hole in my life
if I hadn't gone through this experience.
- I've only been with him for several hours
and I'm already exhausted.
Whee!
- No, no, no, dog poop!
- Welcome to daddy's world.
All those stereotypes about a love that you
never felt before is totally there.
What, oh my gosh.
Okay, okay you're really milking this right now, baby.
- Woah!
- Do you feel like, I dunno,
more comfortable doing this now?
- I understand him more, but the idea
that your job is never done, I think
that's something I will never fully appreciate
until I'm in it.
'Cause how could you?
- I always thought about having kids,
but I think I'm less, I'm realizing
that I'm less terrified of kids,
and maybe more terrified of being a bad dad.
I'm always thinking like,
maybe if I had a kid, I would kind of
make it a little F-U-C-K-E-D up, you know?
Like it would be maybe too much like me in some ways.
- You will probably feel uniquely unqualified
to do this, and you are, but so am I.
And I actually do this.
- You're never gonna be the person
that you're supposed to be until the end of it.
And then partly, he will help shape
the person who you become.
- So, just try your best, huh?
- [David] That's basically it.
- What I learned today, it's pretty much chaos all the time.
Ajax is all the way over there, spinning a barrel.
- I am so tired.
(sighs)
- That's like without-kid tired.
That is not the same.
- I need to take a nap now.
- I don't know how my parents did it.
- There are certainly single dads out there,
and I don't know how they do it.
- It's a lot.
- You gotta be active in this thing, too.
- If you're gonna go through the process
of making a kid, you gotta show up.
- Well cheers, here's to dad.
- Cheers, cheer dads everywhere.
- I'm drinking wine out of a sippy cup.
- But it's worth it?
- Oh, yeah.
- I'll be honest, this is pretty fun.
- I love to climb.
- Also, it smells like ketchup in here.
- Someday, I'll have kids.
- Was I a good dad?
Don't laugh if I wasn't a good dad.
- Oh, oh!
- You didn't put the top on?
(crying)
- Not today, see you later, kids!
Goodbye!
- [Ari] You did great.
- Any time the camera wasn't rolling,
something like this was happening.
So, just rest assured I've never been (mumbling)
- But one piece of advice in order to have kids
that I've found is, it helps to have sex.
- Well, yeah, okay, that's a rude way to end this day.
(laughs)
- (whispering) Bye-bye.