Placeholder Image

字幕列表 影片播放

  • For most of human history, the idea of

  • being polite has been central to our

  • sense of what is required to count as a

  • good and civilized person. But more

  • recently, politeness has come under suspicion.

  • It can sound a bit fake and

  • insincere and in its own way really rather rude.

  • We often tend to prefer the idea of

  • being frank and speaking our own minds.

  • The rise in our collective suspicion of

  • politeness has a history. Politeness used to be central

  • to our education. Etiquette,

  • books and guides to manners were all

  • deemed essential. Yet in the late 18th

  • century, the approach was thrown into

  • distribute. An alternative romantic idea

  • emerged, in large part driven forward by the Swiss philosopher

  • Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who powerfully re-described

  • politeness as an indication of servility and deceit,

  • and argued in favor of always remaining true to yourself.

  • The romantic suspicion of politeness, was

  • given a further boost by the increasing role of the United States.

  • being direct and open came to be seen by Americans

  • themselves as one of their national

  • virtues and attitude encapsulated in a

  • climactic line from "Gone with the Wind".

  • When Rhett Butler turns the scholar to

  • her and tells her exactly how he sees it

  • "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn". And

  • because America has been the world's

  • most influential culture for around a

  • century and a half, its attitude towards

  • politeness has been widely and

  • pervasively disseminated around the

  • planet ever since. Would ultimately

  • separates the polite from the Frank

  • person isn't really a knowledge of etiquette.

  • It's not really about what knife to use

  • at a formal dinner, when to say please or

  • thank you, or how to word a wedding

  • invitation. It comes down to a

  • contrasting set of beliefs about human

  • nature. The polite and the frank person

  • behave differently, chiefly because they

  • see the world in highly divergent ways.

  • These are some of the key ideological

  • issues that separate them.

  • Frank people believe in the importance

  • of expressing themselves honestly.

  • Principally because they trust that what

  • they happen to think and feel will

  • always proved to be fundamentally

  • acceptable to the world. They're true

  • sentiments and opinions may when voiced

  • be bracing of coursebut no worse. These

  • Frank types assume that what is honestly

  • avowed cannot really ever be vindictive,

  • disgusting, tedious or cruel. in this

  • sense, the polite person sees themselves

  • a little in the way we typically see

  • small children: as blessed by an original innate goodness.

  • Even the most etiquette-conscious among

  • us don't usually think that the

  • strictures of politeness will apply to

  • the very young. We remain interested to

  • hear about whatever may be passing

  • through these diminutive creaturesminds

  • and we stay unalarmed by their awkward

  • moments or negative statements. if they

  • say that the pasta is yuck

  • or that the taxi driver is a head like a

  • weird goldfish, it sounds funny rather

  • than wounding. The Frank persons trust in

  • their basic purity erodes the rationale

  • for editing or self-censorship. They can

  • believe that everything about them will

  • more or less prove fine, whatever they

  • happen to say or do. The Polite Person, by contrast,

  • proceed under a fervent suspicion of themselves and their impulses.

  • They sense that a great deal of what they feel and want really isn't

  • very nice. They're closely in touch with

  • their darkest desires and consents

  • they're fleeting wishes to hurt or

  • humiliate people. They know they're

  • sometimes a bit revolting and cannot

  • forget the extent to which they may be

  • offensive or frightening to others. they

  • therefore set out on a deliberate

  • strategy to protect others from what

  • they know is within them.

  • It isn't lying as such. they merely

  • understand that being themselves is a treat

  • they should take enormous pains to spare

  • everyone else from experiencing-

  • especially anyone they claim to care

  • about. the Frank person operates with a

  • charming unconscious assumption that

  • other people are at heart pretty much like them.

  • this can make them very clubbable and

  • allows them to create some astonishing

  • intimacy's across social barriers at high speed.

  • When they like listening to a particular

  • piece of music and high-volume, they'll

  • take it is obvious that you probably do

  • as well. Because they're very

  • enthusiastic about spicy food, or never

  • want to add salt to a dish, it doesn't

  • cross their mind to ask if you actually

  • like this restaurant or would favor a

  • salt cellar on the table. For their part,

  • the polite person starts from the

  • assumption that others are highly likely

  • to be in quite different places

  • internally, whatever the outward signs.

  • their behavior is therefore tentative,

  • weary and filled with inquiries. they

  • will explicitly checkup with others to

  • take a measure of their experiences and outlook;

  • if they feel cold, they're very alive to the possibility

  • that you may be feeling perfectly warm

  • and so will take trouble to ask if you'd

  • mind if they went over and close the window.

  • they're aware that you might be annoyed

  • by a joke that they find funny or that

  • you might very sincerely hold political

  • opinions quite at odds with their own.

  • Their manners are grounded in an acute

  • sense of the gulf that can separate one

  • human being from another.

  • The Frank person works with an

  • underlying sense that other people are

  • internally for the most part extremely

  • robust. Those around them are not felt to be

  • forever on the verge of self-doubt and

  • self-hatred. their egos are not assumed

  • to be gossamer thin and at perpetual risk

  • of deflating. There is therefore

  • understood to be no need to let out

  • constant small signals of reassurance

  • and affirmation. when you go to someone's

  • house the fact that the meal was tasty,

  • will be obvious to everyone, not least

  • the person who spent four and a half

  • hours cooking it. so there's no need to

  • keep stressing the point in a variety of

  • discrete ways. the office junior must

  • have a pretty clear sense that they're

  • making the grade without a need to stop

  • and spell it out. The Frank person assumes

  • that everyone's ego is already at least

  • as big and strong as it should be. the

  • polite person however starts from a

  • contrary assumption that all of us are

  • permanently only millimeters away from

  • inner collapse, despair and self-hatred.

  • However confident we may look, we are

  • painfully vulnerable to a sense of being

  • disliked and taken for granted. all of us

  • are walking around without a skin.

  • accordingly, the polite person will be

  • drawn to spend a lot of time noticing

  • and commenting positively on the most

  • apparently minor details.

  • they'll say that the watercress soup was

  • the best they've had for years. they'll

  • mention that work on the Mexico deal was

  • really helpful too, and was noticed by the

  • whole compan. they'll know that everyone

  • we come across, has a huge capacity to

  • hurt us with what we foolishly and