Hello, my name is Leo Lytel

你好，我叫Leo Lytel

I am fifteen years old

我今年十五歲

and I'm single

而我是單身

I've been single...let's see here...pretty much my whole life

我一直是單身......讓我看看......幾乎是我的整個人生

Pretty sure it's because I'm unemployed, I live at home with my parents and I don't have a car

很確定這是因為我失業了，我和父母住在家裡，我沒有車。

These are all big red flags, it's why I don't get much attention on match.com

這些都是很大的危險信號，這也是為什麼我在match.com上不怎麼關注的原因。

I do however have a lot of success on tinder

不過，我在火柴上有很多成功的案例

where I am a buff 28 year old Georgetown medical student.

我是一個28歲的喬治城醫學院的學生。

with a Porsche and a trust fund

有一輛保時捷和一個信託基金

Now, I'm a teenager

現在，我已經是個少年了

so I'm in that awkward phase of life, I'm kind of a mutant creature

所以我在那個尷尬的生活階段，我是一種變異的生物

part adult, part child

半大人半小孩

but I look back on the early years of childhood fondly

但我深情地回味著童年的歲月。

y'know those good old memories like when you get in the van and it turns out the man doesn't have any candy

你知道那些美好的舊記憶，就像當你坐上面包車，結果發現那個男人沒有任何糖果一樣。

course, nowadays candy won't cut it, we're in the 21st century

當然，現在的糖果不會削減它，我們在21世紀。

you need something like free wifi to up the anti

你需要一些東西，如免費的無線網絡，以提高反。

that's really all a kid wants any more, speaking from experience

這真的是一個孩子想要的任何更多，從經驗中講

and uh...

和呃...

I wanna thank my mum and dad

我要感謝我的爸爸媽媽

for being so supportive of my comedy

感謝你對我的喜劇的支持。

my mum helps me book gigs

我媽媽幫我預訂演出

and uh my dad helps me write my material

呃，我爸爸幫我寫我的材料

so, I like to think I'm pretty far along in the entertainment industry because

所以，我喜歡認為我'很遠 在娛樂行業，因為... ...

I've got two things a lot of people strive to have.

我'有兩樣東西很多人都在努力擁有。

I have a Jewish writer

我有一個猶太作家

and my agent is a girl I used to sleep with

而我的經紀人是一個女孩，我曾經睡過。

thankyou

謝謝

I'm leo Lytel

我是Leo Lytel

well its great to be here, I'm that excitied I'm beside myself

好吧，它是偉大的在這裡，我興奮，我身邊的自己。

good evening everyone, we're the nelson twins

晚上好，大家好，我們是尼爾森雙胞胎。

My names Justin

我的名字是賈斯汀

and this is my identical twin sister Sharon

這是我的同卵雙胞胎妹妹Sharon。

we should tell you a bit about ourselves

我們應該向你介紹一下我們自己

we come from a small country town in New South Wales called Walbundrie and we used to be apprentice bakers

我們來自新南威爾士州一個叫Walbundrie的鄉下小鎮，我們曾經是麵包師學徒。

which in a coincidence because we're inbred

這在一個巧合，因為我們'近親繁殖。

I nearly spit my tea

我差點把茶水吐出來

ahaha

啊哈哈

Walbundrie was a small town it had one shop, one pub and one prostitute

Walbundrie是個小鎮 它有一家商店，一家酒吧和一個妓女

mom found it pretty tough working three jobs

媽媽覺得做三份工作很辛苦

(Laughs)

（笑）

Our mom didn't even know she was having twins until she was six months pregnant

我們的媽媽甚至不知道她有雙胞胎 直到她懷孕6個月的時候

and our dad was even more suprised

而我們的爸爸更是驚訝

cos he had been in jail for three years

因為他已經在監獄裡呆了三年

being twins we can send each other telepathic messages

孿生兄弟，可以互相傳遞心靈感應

but telstra found out about it

但Telstra發現了它

and it is now included in our cap plan

現在它已經被納入我們的上限計劃

it's really frustrating knowing what each others thinking

我不知道你在想什麼。

we once played a game of rock, paper, scissors that lasted 3 years

我們曾經玩過一個剪刀石頭布的遊戲，玩了三年。

I really hate going through airport security at the moment but I love flying

我現在很討厭過機場安檢，但我喜歡坐飛機。

cos every time we catch a flight somewhere, I always sit at front of the plane and he seats at the rear then I tell the gay flight attendant to meet at back in 5 mins.

因為每次我們去某地趕飛機，我總是坐在飛機的前排，他坐在後排，然後我告訴同志空姐5分鐘後在後排見面。

Thank You

謝謝你

Don't worry, I know what you are thinking.

別擔心，我知道你在想什麼。

Harry Potter has had a nasty quidditch accident.

哈利波特出了個令人討厭的魁地奇事故。

Do you know what I can't stand

你知道我不能忍受什麼嗎？

Sorry... Sorry, let me reemphasise.

對不起，對不起...對不起，讓我再強調一下。

Do you know what. I can't stand

你知道嗎？我不能

But look on the bright-side

但往好的方面想

I have never had to queue at Disney Land

我在迪士尼樂園從來沒有排過隊。

Now

現在

Just

只是

I am just going to throw a disclaimer out there.

我只想拋出一個免責聲明。

If I do get too energetic.

如果我真的太過精力充沛。

Please stop me.

請阻止我。

I want to keep my benefits.

我想保留我的福利。

Otherwise otherwise, how would I heat the Jacuzzi.

不然的話，我怎麼給按摩浴缸加熱。

I'm joking. I'm joking.

我在開玩笑。我是在開玩笑。

It's a pool.

這是一個游泳池。

I was..eh..I was at the eh...

我當時... ...我當時在... ...

At the cinema seeing the new Jame Bond film the other day.

前幾天在電影院看了《007》的新片。

And it got me thinking you know.

這讓我覺得你知道。

Maybe I would have liked to have had a go at, you know, being James Bond.

也許我還想做個詹姆斯・邦德呢。

But obviously I am a bit inhibited.

但顯然我有點抑制不住。

Ah Mr Bond, I have been expecting you.

邦德先生，我一直在等你。

(Wheezing)

（喘氣）

(Cough)

（咳嗽）

No Lift

在電梯處