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  • How do we choose the people we fall in love with?

    我們是如何選擇自己的愛人的呢?

  • In the modern world,

    在現在這個世界

  • under the ideology of 'Romanticism'

    「浪漫主義」的價值觀下

  • you're meant above all, to Trust Your Feelings!

    你首要做的是,相信自己的感覺!

  • Love is a mutual ecstasy

    戀愛是共享的愉悅感

  • at finding a beautiful person,

    發生在找到一個很美好的人

  • inside and out,

    表裡如一的好

  • with the rare capacity, to make us happy.

    並擁有能帶給自己快樂的珍貴能力

  • The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.

    這樣的浪漫風格聽起來既溫暖又友善

  • It's originators certainly imagined

    他的發起者一定曾想像

  • that it would bring to an end the sort of

    這將能終結那種

  • unhappy relationships

    不快樂的關係

  • that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner,

    是因為過去的擇偶方式所產生的

  • the arranged marriage!

    也就是刻意安排的婚姻!

  • The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts

    唯一的問題是我們必須相信自己的直覺

  • has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.

    而這時常被驗證是一個災難

  • Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people

    遵從我們對某些人所產生的特別感覺

  • in night-clubs, or train stations; parties or on websites

    可能在夜店、車站、派對或網路上

  • and that romanticism so ably celebrated an art,

    浪漫主義成功地歌頌了這樣愛的藝術

  • appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions.

    它顯然讓我們快樂的不能再快樂了

  • The Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts,

    中世紀的夫妻受皇室束縛而進入婚姻

  • keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.

    並極力保存世傳土地的主權

  • Instinct has been little better than calculation

    直覺只比計算出的結果好一點點

  • in underwriting the quality of our love stories.

    以擔保我們的愛情來說

  • There's another school of thought:

    還有另一派不同的意見

  • this one influenced by psychotherapy

    這派想法是受心理治療所影響

  • which challenges the notion that trusting instinct

    也就是挑戰我們相信直覺的信念

  • invariably draws us to those who will make us happy.

    並一再地把我們倒向那些讓我們快樂的人

  • That's because the theory points out

    這是因為理論指出

  • that we don't fail in love first and foremost

    我們不會一開始就愛上

  • with those who care for us in ideal ways.

    那些用理想中的方式關心我們的人

  • We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways.

    我們愛上的是那些用我們習慣的方式關心自己的人

  • And there might be, a big difference.

    而這兩者之間可能有很大的差距

  • Adult love is modeled on a template of love created in childhood.

    成人的戀愛是塑造於自孩童時期發展出來愛情範本上

  • And is likely to be entwined with a range of

    這個範本可能盤繞著一系列

  • problematic attractions

    會產生問題的擇偶特質

  • that militate in key ways

    會在重要的方面產生影響

  • against our chances of growth and happiness, as adults.

    阻擋我們成人時期的成長以及幸福

  • We may believe we are seeking happiness in love

    我們可能會相信我們在愛情中尋找的是快樂

  • but what we are really after is familiarity.

    但其實我們是在尋找一種熟悉感

  • We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships

    我們在成人關係中尋求再造

  • the very feelings we knew so well in childhood

    在孩童時期很熟悉的感覺

  • And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.

    這不僅限於溫暖跟關愛的感覺

  • The love many of us would've tasted early on

    很多人在小時候所感受到的愛

  • was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics.

    是夾雜著其他或許是受創的互動

  • Feelings of wanting to help an adult who is out of control

    渴望幫助一個失控大人

  • or of being deprived of a parent's warmth.

    或是失去父母溫暖的感覺

  • Or scared of his/her anger

    或是害怕他/她的憤怒

  • or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes.

    或是沒有感受到足夠的安全感去闡述那些難以啟齒的欲望

  • How logical then, that we should as adults find ourselves

    看似有理的,身為大人我們應該

  • rejecting certain candidates,

    拒絕某些擇偶對象

  • not because they're wrong for us

    不是因為他們不適合自己

  • but because they're a little too right.

    而是因為他們有點太正常了

  • In a sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced,

    感覺上似乎過度的平穩、

  • mature, understanding

    成熟、善解人意

  • and reliable,

    及可靠

  • given that in our hearts such rightness feels foreign and unearned.

    因為在我們心中,這樣的正常似乎很陌生且不應該得到

  • To choose our partners wisely,

    為了能明智地選擇我們的伴侶

  • we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering

    我們必須釐清某些會導致痛苦的衝動

  • may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.

    是否會在吸引力的感覺上產生作用

  • A useful starting place is to ask ourselves,

    很有用的第一步是捫心自問

  • perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon,

    也許是在手邊有一張很大的紙、一支筆的悠閒的下午

  • what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.

    想像哪種人讓我們敬而遠之,而哪種人令我們感到興奮

  • To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood

    試著將這些特質追溯到孩童時期最早愛我們的人

  • and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really

    並問自己我們的衝動是否真的

  • are aligned with things that might make us happy.

    符合那些讓我們開心的事

  • We could stand to discover for example that slightly distant and sadistic people

    我們可以開始探索,例如,那些有點冷漠和殘酷的人

  • do always seem more interesting to us than

    總是看起來比較有趣,相較於

  • the so-called 'nice' ones.

    那些所謂「友善的」人

  • That should make us stop and think.

    這該使我們停下來思考

  • Our honestly described reactions are legacies.

    我們本能的反應是過去的產物

  • They are revealing underlying assumptions we've acquired

    揭露了以前學到的

  • about what love for us can feel like.

    關於愛是什麼感覺的假定

  • We may start to get a clearer picture

    我們可以開始釐清現況

  • that our vision of what we're looking for in another person

    我們在他人身上尋找的特質

  • might not be in a specially good guide

    可能不是一個好的導引

  • to our personal happiness.

    引領我們達到快樂

  • Examining our emotional histories,

    審視自己情緒的歷史

  • we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone.

    我們知道自己不會被隨便一個人吸引

  • We're limited in the types we have

    我們受限於自己的擇偶條件

  • because of certain things that happened to us in our past.

    因為過去在我們身上發生的某些事

  • Even if we can't always radically shift these patterns,

    即使我們不能非常激進地扭轉這些模式

  • it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain.

    知道自己被什麼束縛著還是很有用的

  • It can make us more careful of ourselves

    這可以讓我們變得謹慎小心

  • when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we've met the one

    當自己遇到某個人無法自拔

  • after just a few minutes chatting at the bar.

    僅在酒吧跟他聊幾分鐘的天後

  • Or when we're certain someone is just brawn or boring

    或是當我們很確信某人只是肌肉發達或無趣

  • even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.

    即使客觀上來說,他們確實有很多其他的可看之處

  • Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial types,

    歸根究底,我們可以從過去的直覺中解放,去愛不一樣的人

  • when we find that the qualities we like

    當我們發現我們愛上的特質

  • and the ones we very much fear

    跟我們非常懼怕的特質

  • can be found in different constellations.

    都能從不同的人們的組合中找到

  • From those we encountered in the people who first taught us about affection long ago,

    從那些最早教會我們感情的人身上

  • in a childhood we should strive to understand

    我們該努力的去了解自己的童年

  • and in many ways, free ourselves from.

    並藉由不同的方式,從中解放自己

How do we choose the people we fall in love with?

我們是如何選擇自己的愛人的呢?

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如何正確選擇你的伴侶 (How To Choose A Partner Wisely)

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    Calvin Huang 發佈於 2017 年 05 月 24 日
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