In the modern world,

在現在這個世界

under the ideology of 'Romanticism'

「浪漫主義」的價值觀下

you're meant above all, to Trust Your Feelings!

你首要做的是，相信自己的感覺！

Love is a mutual ecstasy

戀愛是共享的愉悅感

at finding a beautiful person,

發生在找到一個很美好的人

inside and out,

表裡如一的好

with the rare capacity, to make us happy.

並擁有能帶給自己快樂的珍貴能力

The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.

這樣的浪漫風格聽起來既溫暖又友善

It's originators certainly imagined

他的發起者一定曾想像

that it would bring to an end the sort of

這將能終結那種

unhappy relationships

不快樂的關係

that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner,

是因為過去的擇偶方式所產生的

the arranged marriage!

也就是刻意安排的婚姻！

The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts

唯一的問題是我們必須相信自己的直覺

has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.

而這時常被驗證是一個災難

Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people

遵從我們對某些人所產生的特別感覺

in night-clubs, or train stations; parties or on websites

可能在夜店、車站、派對或網路上

and that romanticism so ably celebrated an art,

浪漫主義成功地歌頌了這樣愛的藝術

appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions.

它顯然讓我們快樂的不能再快樂了

The Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts,

中世紀的夫妻受皇室束縛而進入婚姻

keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.

並極力保存世傳土地的主權

Instinct has been little better than calculation

直覺只比計算出的結果好一點點

in underwriting the quality of our love stories.

以擔保我們的愛情來說

There's another school of thought:

還有另一派不同的意見

this one influenced by psychotherapy

這派想法是受心理治療所影響

which challenges the notion that trusting instinct

也就是挑戰我們相信直覺的信念

invariably draws us to those who will make us happy.

並一再地把我們倒向那些讓我們快樂的人

That's because the theory points out

這是因為理論指出

that we don't fail in love first and foremost

我們不會一開始就愛上

with those who care for us in ideal ways.

那些用理想中的方式關心我們的人

We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways.

我們愛上的是那些用我們習慣的方式關心自己的人

And there might be, a big difference.

而這兩者之間可能有很大的差距

Adult love is modeled on a template of love created in childhood.

成人的戀愛是塑造於自孩童時期發展出來愛情範本上

And is likely to be entwined with a range of

這個範本可能盤繞著一系列

problematic attractions

會產生問題的擇偶特質

that militate in key ways

會在重要的方面產生影響

against our chances of growth and happiness, as adults.

阻擋我們成人時期的成長以及幸福

We may believe we are seeking happiness in love

我們可能會相信我們在愛情中尋找的是快樂

but what we are really after is familiarity.

但其實我們是在尋找一種熟悉感

We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships

我們在成人關係中尋求再造

the very feelings we knew so well in childhood

在孩童時期很熟悉的感覺

And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.

這不僅限於溫暖跟關愛的感覺

The love many of us would've tasted early on

很多人在小時候所感受到的愛

was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics.

是夾雜著其他或許是受創的互動

Feelings of wanting to help an adult who is out of control

渴望幫助一個失控大人

or of being deprived of a parent's warmth.

或是失去父母溫暖的感覺

Or scared of his/her anger

或是害怕他/她的憤怒

or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes.

或是沒有感受到足夠的安全感去闡述那些難以啟齒的欲望

How logical then, that we should as adults find ourselves

看似有理的，身為大人我們應該

rejecting certain candidates,

拒絕某些擇偶對象

not because they're wrong for us

不是因為他們不適合自己

but because they're a little too right.

而是因為他們有點太正常了

In a sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced,

感覺上似乎過度的平穩、

mature, understanding

成熟、善解人意

and reliable,

及可靠

given that in our hearts such rightness feels foreign and unearned.

因為在我們心中，這樣的正常似乎很陌生且不應該得到

To choose our partners wisely,

為了能明智地選擇我們的伴侶

we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering

我們必須釐清某些會導致痛苦的衝動

may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.

是否會在吸引力的感覺上產生作用

A useful starting place is to ask ourselves,

很有用的第一步是捫心自問

perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon,

也許是在手邊有一張很大的紙、一支筆的悠閒的下午

what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.

想像哪種人讓我們敬而遠之，而哪種人令我們感到興奮

To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood

試著將這些特質追溯到孩童時期最早愛我們的人

and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really

並問自己我們的衝動是否真的

are aligned with things that might make us happy.

符合那些讓我們開心的事

We could stand to discover for example that slightly distant and sadistic people

我們可以開始探索，例如，那些有點冷漠和殘酷的人

do always seem more interesting to us than

總是看起來比較有趣，相較於

the so-called 'nice' ones.

那些所謂「友善的」人

That should make us stop and think.

這該使我們停下來思考

Our honestly described reactions are legacies.

我們本能的反應是過去的產物

They are revealing underlying assumptions we've acquired

揭露了以前學到的

about what love for us can feel like.

關於愛是什麼感覺的假定

We may start to get a clearer picture

我們可以開始釐清現況

that our vision of what we're looking for in another person

我們在他人身上尋找的特質

might not be in a specially good guide

可能不是一個好的導引

to our personal happiness.

引領我們達到快樂

Examining our emotional histories,

審視自己情緒的歷史

we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone.

我們知道自己不會被隨便一個人吸引

We're limited in the types we have

我們受限於自己的擇偶條件

because of certain things that happened to us in our past.

因為過去在我們身上發生的某些事

Even if we can't always radically shift these patterns,

即使我們不能非常激進地扭轉這些模式

it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain.

知道自己被什麼束縛著還是很有用的

It can make us more careful of ourselves

這可以讓我們變得謹慎小心

when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we've met the one

當自己遇到某個人無法自拔

after just a few minutes chatting at the bar.

僅在酒吧跟他聊幾分鐘的天後

Or when we're certain someone is just brawn or boring

或是當我們很確信某人只是肌肉發達或無趣

even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.

即使客觀上來說，他們確實有很多其他的可看之處

Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial types,

歸根究底，我們可以從過去的直覺中解放，去愛不一樣的人

when we find that the qualities we like

當我們發現我們愛上的特質

and the ones we very much fear

跟我們非常懼怕的特質

can be found in different constellations.

都能從不同的人們的組合中找到

From those we encountered in the people who first taught us about affection long ago,

從那些最早教會我們感情的人身上

in a childhood we should strive to understand

我們該努力的去了解自己的童年

and in many ways, free ourselves from.

並藉由不同的方式，從中解放自己