- Ow. - [Ned] Ow.

- 噢 - [Ned] 噢

- Ah!

- 啊！

- Young lady, if you don't go to sleep in 30 seconds,

- 小姐，30 秒內你再不去睡覺的話

it's gonna be bad news.

會有壞消息

Today, I'm going to learn how to become a dad.

今天我要來學習如何當爸爸

My wife and I are gonna have kids soon,

我跟我太太就快要有小孩了

but I'm completely terrified and overwhelmed by that idea.

不過我一想到就感到非常害怕、招架不住

It seems like it's a huge change in your life.

這似乎是人生中一個巨大的改變

Can you still have a date night?

晚上還能去約會嗎？

Do you have to find a babysitter every single time?

每一次都得找個保姆嗎？

- Being a dad is way harder than you think

- 當個爸爸比你想像中還難

it's gonna be.

Accepting that you're not gonna be super dad or perfect

承認你不會是個超級老爸還有你的不完美

is part of being a super dad--

就是當個超級老爸的一部分...

- Daddy, daddy.

- 爸爸，爸爸

- I think often times you want things

- 我覺得很多時候你希望事情

to go one way and they don't always go that way.

如你所願但卻不盡然

- Shoes back on.

- 鞋子穿回去了

I'm gonna care for my friend Mike's kids

我要來照顧我朋友Mike的小孩

for a whole day and I'll see just how hard it is.

一整天，看看會有多難

- [Mike] Throw yourself into it--

- [Mike] 你要全身投入

- [Ned] Ok.

- [Ned] 好

- And don't be afraid to do stuff.

- 儘量嘗試

- You guys wanna take the stairs or the elevator?

- 你們要走樓梯還是坐電梯？

- [Voiceover] Stairs.

- 樓梯

- Stairs, taking the stairs was a difficult choice.

- 樓梯，走樓梯是個困難的抉擇

Whew, I'm exhausted.

呼，我累了

- The other thing that's really hard is patience.

- 另一個很難做到的就是耐性

You've gotta have amazing patience

面對小孩要非常有耐性

when it comes to kids.

- Do you guys like healthy snacks?

- 你們喜歡健康的點心嗎？

- What about this?

- 這個呢？

What about this?

這個呢？

Can I have this?

我可以要這個嗎？

- Anne did you pick up something?

- Anne 你選好了嗎？

- They're gonna annoy you.

- 他們會煩你

They're gonna take a long time to do things,

他們做事會花很長的時間

like brushing their teeth.

例如刷牙

They'll brush their teeth for 20 minutes.

他們刷牙可以刷 20 分鐘

- No, no, no we don't eat ice cream.

- 不不不，我們不吃冰淇淋

- [Girl] Ah! - [Ned] Can't get

- [女孩] 啊！ - [Ned] 不可以買

a zebra print heart pillow, you're not getting balls today.

斑馬紋心型枕，你今天不能買球

- Gotta just wait.

- 只能等

- Is he ok, or should we?

- 他還好嗎，我們要不要？

- He's ok, I got the eyes in the back

- 他沒事，我頭後面有眼睛

of the head watching.

在看

- What is that?

- 那是什麼？

Why are you hitting my head?

你為什麼打我的頭？

- Kids love to play pretend,

- 小孩喜歡玩角色扮演

but one of the things that you're gonna--

不過有件事你要...

- We'll take that back.

- 我們重來

- One of the tough--

- 其中比較艱難的...

James, shh.

James，噓

- One more time.

- 再一次

- One of the tough things about playing pretend

- 跟小孩玩角色扮演的難事之一

with your kids is that it takes a lot of mental,

就是很費精神

like concentration.

像是要很專心

- This whole castle's made of cookies.

- 這整個城堡都是餅乾做的

- That's right, this whole castle's made of cookies

- 沒錯，這整個城堡都是餅乾做的

and a cookie moster.

還有一個餅乾怪物

Well this is fun you guys, we're just hanging out.

好吧是蠻好玩的，我們就是一起玩

Oh boy, James, James, James, ok.

天啊，James, James, James，好了

- It's time to go to the ball.

- 是時候參加舞會了

- We're all going to the ball.

- 我們大家都要參加舞會

You doing ok there James?

James 你還好嗎？

Pose the dolls next to each other.

把娃娃放一起擺姿勢

- We love Daddy, we love Daddy.

- 我們愛爸爸，我們愛爸爸

- Daddy's not here anymore.

- 爸爸不在這了

- One of the tough things about being a parent,

- 當父母的難事之一

especially with this age, is making sure

尤其是對於這個歲數，就是要確保

that they eat healthy food.

他們飲食健康

- If you eat the broccoli, then I will give you the candy.

- 你先吃完花椰菜，我再給你這個糖果

Do we have a deal?

我們有達成協議嗎？

Oh no!

噢不！

- It's good to not make a big show of it being weird.

- 最好不要太誇張太奇怪

- Woo woo!

- 嗚嗚！

Broccoli delivery for Captain James.

運送James隊長的花椰菜

- And you've gotta eat it yourself

- 而且你自己也要吃

'cause if they see that you eat,

因為他們看到你吃

then they'll wanna eat it.

他們也會要吃

- Got it.

- 吃到了

Once you tip your hand that there's C-A-N-D-Y somewhere--

一旦你手上出現 C-A-N-D-Y (糖果拼法)

- [Mike] You should probably,

- [Mike] 也許你

you and I should probably stop

也許我跟你都該停止

even spelling out the word candy.

連拼字都不要拼出糖果 (candy) 這個字

- [Ned] Oh really?

- [Ned] 真的嗎？

- You should have like a safe word, you know,

- 你要有個安全的用詞，你知道嗎

call it like asparagus.

像是叫它蘆筍

- Would you rather have the lollipop or the broccoli.

- 你比較想要棒棒糖還是花椰菜？

Classic.

經典

- Putting your kids to bed is definitely difficult,

- 讓小孩睡覺非困難

because kids don't wanna go to bed.

因為小孩根本不想睡覺

- Bouncy, bouncy, bounce.

- 跳跳跳

- Can't bounce too much.

- 不能一直跳

How many stories do you normally have before bed?

你睡前通常聽幾個故事？

- 600 million.

- 6億

- 600 million?

- 6億？

Why?

為什麼？

I love sleep.

我超愛睡覺

I really am getting sleepy.

我真的睏了

- So they're gonna fight you on it

- 他們會反抗

and they've tried to stretch out that time routine

他們會儘可能拖時間

as long as it can possibly be.

看可以拖多久就多久

- Ready for bed.

- 準備睡覺

- Another one.

- 再一本

- Ok, bass drums are big, but whistles are little.

- 好，低音鼓很大不過哨子很小

Wait now I said we're only doing two books.

等等，我說了我們只讀兩本

- Last book.

- 最後一本

- We're only doing two books.

- 我們只讀兩本

- Last book.

- 最後一本

- We're reading, apparently, as many books as it takes.

- 顯然的，我們會讀很多本

I stirred it all together, it was yummy,

我全部攪拌在一起，很美味

but it wasn't pink.

但不是粉紅色

And that is the end of Pinklicious.

我們看完「粉紅美味」了

- And that's how you stay awake.

- 而你就是這樣保持清醒

- I was only with the kids for a small period of time.

- 我只跟孩子們相處一小段時間

I want to go into a hot bubble bath

我要泡熱泡泡浴

and drink white wine.

還要喝白酒

How did I do?

我表現如何？

- You know, I think you did actually really well.

- 你知道嗎，我認為你做得相當好

You were really engaged, you were really dedicated,

你很投入、很用心

and you were trying really hard.

而且你很努力

- Even though it was really difficult

- 雖然很難應付

and exhausting on my body,

也很耗費體力

seeing the way Mike interacted with his kids

看著 Mike 跟他的孩子之間的互動

and how much they loved him and he loved them,

還有他們彼此多麼的相愛

that was, it was such a nice feeling.

那就是，一種很美好的感覺

Thumbs up or thumbs down, how do you think I did?

你認為我表現得好還是不好？

- Sideways.

- 邊邊

- So I've got some work to do.

- 我需要再努力

I think of all the things that my dad did for me

我想起所有爸爸為我做過的事

and I'm so thankful.

我很感恩

- So what do you think, do you think your ready

- 你怎麼想，你準備好

to possibly in the near future take the leap?

在不久的將來跨出那一步嗎？

- I'm gonna call my wife.

- 我要打給我太太

How's it going?

你好嗎？

I've been shooting the video on taking care of a toddler.

我在拍攝一段照顧幼兒的影片

I hope so, yea.

希望如此，對啊

It seems really hard.

好像很艱難

Wee, let's make babies.

耶，我們生小孩吧

- [Voiceover] Bye, I love you.

- 再見，我愛你

- [Ned] Bye, I love you too.

- [Ned] 再見，我也愛你

She said, "let's make babies."

她說「我們生小孩吧」

Which is pretty awesome as well as terrifying.

其實還蠻棒的，也很嚇人