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We begin tonight with an update on the story we've been following all week.
Hannah Stevenson, a 16-year-old girl from Detroit accused of stabbing a classmate to
death with a screwdriver last month. At her arraignment this afternoon,
Hannah received the harshest possible sentencing from the judge.
She will be tried as a black adult.
Due to the extreme and violent nature of this crime this court finds it fitting to
try the defendant as an African-American.
Henceforth, you'll be referred to by the jury by the name Mendel Brown.
Once the trial begins next week all courtroom images of Hannah will depict
her as a 300-pound muscular black man and jury members will be instructed
to imagine her as such.
We're going to do our best to make sure that Hannah is treated with the sympathy
and sensitivity that she, as a photogenic white girl, deserves.
This is America. Nobody deserves to be treated as a black man.
Now that Hannah has been ruled black, the court has instructed local media
to assume she's guilty and the police have retroactively charged her
with her assaulting her arresting officer.
Hannah's two dozen character witnesses have been replaced by a single crack
addict who goes by the name of Scags. Hannah's parents are of course planning to
appeal the ruling saying that their daughter should at most be tried as
a black celebrity or a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady.
Every time I hear a story like that, it makes me so glad I'm exempt from the legal system.
When you follow FactZone's Brooke Alvarez you're following the news anchor with more
stalkers than any other major network onscreen personality.
If you are watching Brooke Alvarez, you're not alone.
FactZone on the Onion News Network.