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  • Often, our partner isn't necessarily

    通常,我們的另一半不一定要

  • being terrible in any overt way

    對我們特別壞

  • but we feel a growing sadness

    但我們仍對於感情本身

  • about the character of our relationship.

    感到與日俱增的悲傷

  • The partner isn't as focused on us as we'd hoped.

    另一半不如我們所想地那樣專注在我們身上

  • There are often times when

    也常常有的時候

  • they don't understand us properly.

    他們不真的了解我們

  • They're often busy and preoccupied.

    他們經常因忙碌而分心

  • They can be a bit off-hand, or abrupt.

    甚至有時可能有點唐突、魯莽

  • They're not hugely interested

    他們對於我們一天下來過得如何

  • in the details of our day.

    並不那麼感興趣

  • They call their friends rather than talk with us.

    他們寧願打給朋友也不願和我們聊天

  • We feel disenchanted and let down.

    我們一再失望也不再奢望

  • Love, was supposed to be lovely.

    愛情,應該是很美好的啊

  • But without any one huge thing having gone wrong,

    但是明明沒有出什麼大紕漏,

  • it doesn't feel much that way, day to day.

    日復一日,卻再也感受不到美好

  • This sorrow has a paradoxical source.

    這樣的悲傷有個很矛盾的原因

  • We're upset now because

    我們現在很沮喪是因為

  • at some point in the past,

    在過去某個時間點,

  • we were really rather fortunate.

    我們確實相當幸運

  • We're sad, because we've been lucky.

    我們難過,因為我們曾經是那麼地幸運

  • To explain this seeming paradox,

    為了解釋這個看似矛盾的概念,

  • we need to have a look at the intimate origins of love.

    我們得回頭看看在愛情中親密關係的起源

  • Our idea of what a good, loving relationship

    我們印象中一段美好、戀愛的關係

  • should be like

    應該要是

  • and what it feels like to be loved,

    也必須是感到被愛的,

  • doesn't ever come from what we've seen

    但在成年人的世界裡

  • in adulthood.

    卻未嘗是如此

  • It arises from a stranger, more powerful source.

    反倒是一個更奇妙、更強而有力的根源

  • The idea of a happy couplehood

    談到一段快樂的伴侶關係

  • taps into a fundamental picture of

    我們腦海中會立刻浮現出的畫面

  • comfort, deep security, wordless communication,

    就是自在、十足的安全感、無須語言的溝通,

  • and of our needs being effortlessly understood

    以及另一半能輕易地了解我們的需求

  • that comes from early childhood.

    而這來自於童年初期

  • At the best moments of childhood,

    童年裡最棒的一段時期,

  • if things went reasonably well,

    如果一切都相當順利,

  • a loving parent offered us extraordinary satisfaction.

    一對充滿愛的父母不遺餘力地滿足我們

  • They knew when we were hungry or tired.

    我們餓了、累了,他們都知道

  • Even though we couldn't usually explain.

    即使我們通常沒辦法向他們解釋

  • We didn't need to strive.

    我們絲毫不用費力

  • They made us feel completely safe.

    他們給了我們最完整的安全感

  • We were held peacefully.

    在他們懷裡能安穩入睡

  • We were entertained, and indulged.

    我們被逗樂、被溺愛

  • And even if we don't recall the explicit details,

    即使我們想不起來確切的細節,

  • the experience of being cherished

    那些被珍愛的感受

  • has made a profound impression on us.

    已經深刻地影響了我們

  • It's planted itself in our deep minds

    深植在我們內心深處

  • as the ideal template of what love should be.

    讓我們對於愛情該有的模樣有了一個理想的範本

  • As adults, without really noticing,

    長大後,在不經意的情況下,

  • we continue to be enthralled to this notion

    這樣被愛的念頭仍繼續

  • of being loved.

    吸引著我們

  • Projecting the best experience of our early years

    把我們小時候最棒的感受投射到

  • into our present relationships.

    我們現在的感情關係上

  • And finding them sorely wanting as a result.

    結果很難過地發現他們並不夠格

  • A comparison, that is profoundly corrosive,

    這樣的比較,侵蝕著這段關係,

  • and unfair.

    而且是很不公平的

  • The love we receive from a parent

    我們從父母身上得到的愛

  • can't ever be a workable model

    是永遠不能拿來當作

  • for our later adult experience of love.

    我們長大後對愛情的範本

  • The reason is fundamental,

    這是個很根本的原因,

  • we were a baby then

    我們當時只是小嬰兒

  • we are an adult now.

    但我們現在是成人了

  • A dichotomy with several key ramifications.

    許多關鍵的分歧點將這些階段一分為二

  • For a start, our needs were so much simpler.

    起初,我們的需求相較下簡單很多

  • Back then, we needed to be washed and amused,

    那時,我們需要人幫我們洗澡、娛樂我們,

  • put to bed..

    哄我們睡覺..

  • But we didn't need someone to trawl

    但我們不需要有人費盡腦力地

  • intelligently through the troubled corners of our minds.

    穿梭尋覓在我們混亂不安的心靈

  • We didn't need a caregiver to understand

    我們不需要一個照顧我們的人去了解

  • why we prefer the first series of a television show

    為什麼比起電視節目的第二系列

  • to the second.

    我們更喜歡第一系列

  • Why its necessary to see our aunt on Sunday.

    為什麼週日得去拜訪阿姨

  • Or why it matters so much to us that the curtains

    或是為什麼我們會這麼在意窗簾

  • harmonize with the sofa covers.

    必須和沙發套的色調一致

  • Or that bread must be cut with a proper bread knife.

    或是切麵包就必須用一把合適的麵包刀

  • The parent knew absolutely what was required

    父母完全知道我們需要什麼

  • in relation to certain basic physical and emotional

    根據特定的生理和心理的

  • requirements.

    基本需求

  • Our partner on the other hand,

    但我們的另一半,

  • is stumbling in the dark

    卻總在黑暗中碰壁

  • around needs that are immensely subtle,

    因為我們的需求是極其地細膩,

  • far from obvious, and very complicated

    如此晦澀難解,而且要想符合這些需求

  • to deliver upon.

    過程是非常複雜的

  • Secondly, none of it was reciprocal back then.

    再者,以往父母給的愛是不求回報的

  • The parent was intensely focused on caring for us

    他們全心專注於照顧我們

  • but they knew and totally accepted that we

    而他們知道也完全能夠接受

  • wouldn't engage with their needs.

    我們無法顧慮到他們的需求

  • They didn't for a second imagine

    他們根本想都沒想過

  • that they could take their troubles to us,

    要把他們的煩惱向我們傾訴,

  • or expect us to nurture them.

    或是期望我們能給他們安慰

  • They didn't need us to ask them about their day.

    他們不需要我們關心一天下來過得如何

  • Our responsibility was blissfully simple.

    我們的責任簡單得很幸福

  • All we had to please them, was to exist.

    我們的存在,就能讓他們感到開心

  • Our most ordinary actions, rolling over on our tummy,

    我們平常的一些小動作,打滾翻身,

  • grasping a biscuit in our tiny hand,

    把一塊餅乾抓在我們小小的手中,

  • enchanted them with ease.

    就能讓他們感到心安

  • We were loved, we didn't have, to love.

    我們是被愛的,而我們不需要去愛

  • A distinction between kinds of love

    不同類型的愛之間

  • which language normally artfully blurs,

    通常是語言沒辦法劃分清楚的,

  • shielding us in the difference between

    把我們阻隔在

  • being the privileged customer of love,

    那如尊榮顧客般的愛,

  • or its more exhausted and long suffering provider.

    和疲乏受苦卻仍不斷付出的愛之間

  • Futhermore, our parents were probably kind enough

    此外,我們的父母可能對我們好到足以

  • to shield us from the burden

    使我們免去情感上的負擔

  • that looking after us imposed on them.

    那些因為照顧我們所深受的壓力

  • They maintained a reasonably sunny facade,

    表面上他們總看起來樂觀明朗,

  • until they retired to their own bedroom.

    直到他們回到自己的房裡暫時放下重擔

  • At which, the true toll of their efforts could be witnessed

    這時候,他們身心靈所受的摧殘和壓力才得以釋放

  • but, by then, we were asleep.

    然而,那時候,我們已經睡了

  • They did us the honor of not quite showing us

    他們盡了努力不讓我們發現

  • what looking after us cost them.

    照顧我們對他們造成的損耗

  • Which was immensely kind,

    這真的對我們太好了,

  • but did us one lasting disservice,

    卻也幫了我們一個倒忙,

  • It may have unwittingly created an expectation

    因為這無意間讓我們有了期望

  • of what it could mean for someone to love us

    期望當有人愛我們的時候該是什麼樣子

  • which was never true in the first place.

    但事實本就不是如此

  • We might in later life,

    我們可能在往後的人生中,

  • end up with lovers who are techy with us

    和容易對我們發怒的人在一起

  • who are too tired to talk at the end of the day,

    他們可能一天下來太累了根本不想和我們說話,

  • who don't marvel at our every antic,

    他們可能對於我們的可愛滑稽不感新奇,

  • who can't even be bothered to listen to what we're saying

    他們可能根本不願意聽我們說話

  • and we might feel, with some bitterness

    我們可能就會覺得,一陣悲從中來

  • that this is not how our parents were

    我們的父母並不是這樣的啊

  • The irony which has its redeeming side,

    看似諷刺卻也有其可取的一面,

  • is that in truth, this is exactly how our parents were,

    事實上,我們的父母就是如此,

  • just up in their bedroom, when we were asleep,

    只是剛好他們關上房門,而我們都睡了,

  • and realize nothing.

    所以一無所知

  • The source of our present sorrow

    因此我們現在悲傷的根源

  • is not, therefore, a special failing

    其實不是我們成年後的另一半

  • on the part of our adult lovers.

    什麼地方犯了錯、失敗了

  • They are not tragically inept nor uniquely selfish.

    他們並不是如此笨拙無能或是特別自私

  • Its rather that we're judging our adult experiences

    只是我們總是根據童年時感受到那與眾不同的愛

  • in the light of a very different kind of childhood love.

    去評斷我們成年後的情感經驗

  • We are sorrowful not because

    我們感到悲傷不是因為

  • we have landed with the wrong person,

    我們遇人不淑,

  • but because, we have sadly

    而是因為,很不幸地

  • been forced to grow up.

    我們被迫該長大了

Often, our partner isn't necessarily

通常,我們的另一半不一定要

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B1 中級 中文 父母 愛情 需求 悲傷 照顧 童年

為什麼愛情永遠不會如你所想的美好? (Why Love Is Never As Nice As It Should Be)

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    Caurora 發佈於 2018 年 10 月 10 日
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