being terrible in any overt way

對我們特別壞

but we feel a growing sadness

但我們仍對於感情本身

about the character of our relationship.

感到與日俱增的悲傷

The partner isn't as focused on us as we'd hoped.

另一半不如我們所想地那樣專注在我們身上

There are often times when

也常常有的時候

they don't understand us properly.

他們不真的了解我們

They're often busy and preoccupied.

他們經常因忙碌而分心

They can be a bit off-hand, or abrupt.

甚至有時可能有點唐突、魯莽

They're not hugely interested

他們對於我們一天下來過得如何

in the details of our day.

並不那麼感興趣

They call their friends rather than talk with us.

他們寧願打給朋友也不願和我們聊天

We feel disenchanted and let down.

我們一再失望也不再奢望

Love, was supposed to be lovely.

愛情，應該是很美好的啊

But without any one huge thing having gone wrong,

但是明明沒有出什麼大紕漏，

it doesn't feel much that way, day to day.

日復一日，卻再也感受不到美好

This sorrow has a paradoxical source.

這樣的悲傷有個很矛盾的原因

We're upset now because

我們現在很沮喪是因為

at some point in the past,

在過去某個時間點，

we were really rather fortunate.

我們確實相當幸運

We're sad, because we've been lucky.

我們難過，因為我們曾經是那麼地幸運

To explain this seeming paradox,

為了解釋這個看似矛盾的概念，

we need to have a look at the intimate origins of love.

我們得回頭看看在愛情中親密關係的起源

Our idea of what a good, loving relationship

我們印象中一段美好、戀愛的關係

should be like

應該要是

and what it feels like to be loved,

也必須是感到被愛的，

doesn't ever come from what we've seen

但在成年人的世界裡

in adulthood.

卻未嘗是如此

It arises from a stranger, more powerful source.

反倒是一個更奇妙、更強而有力的根源

The idea of a happy couplehood

談到一段快樂的伴侶關係

taps into a fundamental picture of

我們腦海中會立刻浮現出的畫面

comfort, deep security, wordless communication,

就是自在、十足的安全感、無須語言的溝通，

and of our needs being effortlessly understood

以及另一半能輕易地了解我們的需求

that comes from early childhood.

而這來自於童年初期

At the best moments of childhood,

童年裡最棒的一段時期，

if things went reasonably well,

如果一切都相當順利，

a loving parent offered us extraordinary satisfaction.

一對充滿愛的父母不遺餘力地滿足我們

They knew when we were hungry or tired.

我們餓了、累了，他們都知道

Even though we couldn't usually explain.

即使我們通常沒辦法向他們解釋

We didn't need to strive.

我們絲毫不用費力

They made us feel completely safe.

他們給了我們最完整的安全感

We were held peacefully.

在他們懷裡能安穩入睡

We were entertained, and indulged.

我們被逗樂、被溺愛

And even if we don't recall the explicit details,

即使我們想不起來確切的細節，

the experience of being cherished

那些被珍愛的感受

has made a profound impression on us.

已經深刻地影響了我們

It's planted itself in our deep minds

深植在我們內心深處

as the ideal template of what love should be.

讓我們對於愛情該有的模樣有了一個理想的範本

As adults, without really noticing,

長大後，在不經意的情況下，

we continue to be enthralled to this notion

這樣被愛的念頭仍繼續

of being loved.

吸引著我們

Projecting the best experience of our early years

把我們小時候最棒的感受投射到

into our present relationships.

我們現在的感情關係上

And finding them sorely wanting as a result.

結果很難過地發現他們並不夠格

A comparison, that is profoundly corrosive,

這樣的比較，侵蝕著這段關係，

and unfair.

而且是很不公平的

The love we receive from a parent

我們從父母身上得到的愛

can't ever be a workable model

是永遠不能拿來當作

for our later adult experience of love.

我們長大後對愛情的範本

The reason is fundamental,

這是個很根本的原因，

we were a baby then

我們當時只是小嬰兒

we are an adult now.

但我們現在是成人了

A dichotomy with several key ramifications.

許多關鍵的分歧點將這些階段一分為二

For a start, our needs were so much simpler.

起初，我們的需求相較下簡單很多

Back then, we needed to be washed and amused,

那時，我們需要人幫我們洗澡、娛樂我們，

put to bed..

哄我們睡覺..

But we didn't need someone to trawl

但我們不需要有人費盡腦力地

intelligently through the troubled corners of our minds.

穿梭尋覓在我們混亂不安的心靈

We didn't need a caregiver to understand

我們不需要一個照顧我們的人去了解

why we prefer the first series of a television show

為什麼比起電視節目的第二系列

to the second.

我們更喜歡第一系列

Why its necessary to see our aunt on Sunday.

為什麼週日得去拜訪阿姨

Or why it matters so much to us that the curtains

或是為什麼我們會這麼在意窗簾

harmonize with the sofa covers.

必須和沙發套的色調一致

Or that bread must be cut with a proper bread knife.

或是切麵包就必須用一把合適的麵包刀

The parent knew absolutely what was required

父母完全知道我們需要什麼

in relation to certain basic physical and emotional

根據特定的生理和心理的

requirements.

基本需求

Our partner on the other hand,

但我們的另一半，

is stumbling in the dark

卻總在黑暗中碰壁

around needs that are immensely subtle,

因為我們的需求是極其地細膩，

far from obvious, and very complicated

如此晦澀難解，而且要想符合這些需求

to deliver upon.

過程是非常複雜的

Secondly, none of it was reciprocal back then.

再者，以往父母給的愛是不求回報的

The parent was intensely focused on caring for us

他們全心專注於照顧我們

but they knew and totally accepted that we

而他們知道也完全能夠接受

wouldn't engage with their needs.

我們無法顧慮到他們的需求

They didn't for a second imagine

他們根本想都沒想過

that they could take their troubles to us,

要把他們的煩惱向我們傾訴，

or expect us to nurture them.

或是期望我們能給他們安慰

They didn't need us to ask them about their day.

他們不需要我們關心一天下來過得如何

Our responsibility was blissfully simple.

我們的責任簡單得很幸福

All we had to please them, was to exist.

我們的存在，就能讓他們感到開心

Our most ordinary actions, rolling over on our tummy,

我們平常的一些小動作，打滾翻身，

grasping a biscuit in our tiny hand,

把一塊餅乾抓在我們小小的手中，

enchanted them with ease.

就能讓他們感到心安

We were loved, we didn't have, to love.

我們是被愛的，而我們不需要去愛

A distinction between kinds of love

不同類型的愛之間

which language normally artfully blurs,

通常是語言沒辦法劃分清楚的，

shielding us in the difference between

把我們阻隔在

being the privileged customer of love,

那如尊榮顧客般的愛，

or its more exhausted and long suffering provider.

和疲乏受苦卻仍不斷付出的愛之間

Futhermore, our parents were probably kind enough

此外，我們的父母可能對我們好到足以

to shield us from the burden

使我們免去情感上的負擔

that looking after us imposed on them.

那些因為照顧我們所深受的壓力

They maintained a reasonably sunny facade,

表面上他們總看起來樂觀明朗，

until they retired to their own bedroom.

直到他們回到自己的房裡暫時放下重擔

At which, the true toll of their efforts could be witnessed

這時候，他們身心靈所受的摧殘和壓力才得以釋放

but, by then, we were asleep.

然而，那時候，我們已經睡了

They did us the honor of not quite showing us

他們盡了努力不讓我們發現

what looking after us cost them.

照顧我們對他們造成的損耗

Which was immensely kind,

這真的對我們太好了，

but did us one lasting disservice,

卻也幫了我們一個倒忙，

It may have unwittingly created an expectation

因為這無意間讓我們有了期望

of what it could mean for someone to love us

期望當有人愛我們的時候該是什麼樣子

which was never true in the first place.

但事實本就不是如此

We might in later life,

我們可能在往後的人生中，

end up with lovers who are techy with us

和容易對我們發怒的人在一起

who are too tired to talk at the end of the day,

他們可能一天下來太累了根本不想和我們說話，

who don't marvel at our every antic,

他們可能對於我們的可愛滑稽不感新奇，

who can't even be bothered to listen to what we're saying

他們可能根本不願意聽我們說話

and we might feel, with some bitterness

我們可能就會覺得，一陣悲從中來

that this is not how our parents were

我們的父母並不是這樣的啊

The irony which has its redeeming side,

看似諷刺卻也有其可取的一面，

is that in truth, this is exactly how our parents were,

事實上，我們的父母就是如此，

just up in their bedroom, when we were asleep,

只是剛好他們關上房門，而我們都睡了，

and realize nothing.

所以一無所知

The source of our present sorrow

因此我們現在悲傷的根源

is not, therefore, a special failing

其實不是我們成年後的另一半

on the part of our adult lovers.

什麼地方犯了錯、失敗了

They are not tragically inept nor uniquely selfish.

他們並不是如此笨拙無能或是特別自私

Its rather that we're judging our adult experiences

只是我們總是根據童年時感受到那與眾不同的愛

in the light of a very different kind of childhood love.

去評斷我們成年後的情感經驗

We are sorrowful not because

我們感到悲傷不是因為

we have landed with the wrong person,

我們遇人不淑，

but because, we have sadly

而是因為，很不幸地

been forced to grow up.

我們被迫該長大了