Or should I say, literally just like your family.

或者說，你們根本就是一家人

- Happy birthday! - Surprise.

- 生日快樂！-喔好棒棒！

What, me?!

蝦咪，是我嗎？！

Every squad has "the child".

每一群狐群狗黨裡面都會有這麼一個「小朋友」。

Not necessarily the youngest in age, but definitely in spirit.

雖然這個「小朋友」並不一定是朋友群中年紀最小的，可是心靈上一定最幼稚。

Ah, it's the best day of my life!

我的天啊，今天真的是我人生真最讚的一天！

Ah, it's the best day of my life!

我的天啊，今天真的是我人生真最讚的一天！

They have fried chicken here!

他們這邊有賣炸雞耶！

The child runs on the power of positivity without ever running out of something to say.

這個「小朋友」總是正能量滿滿，而且永遠不會沒話說。

I have something to say.

我有件事情想說一下。

As much as I love fried chicken, I love hanging with you guys.

我再怎麼愛炸雞，也比不上喜愛跟你們鬼混！

You know what, I think we're ready to order.

那個不好意思，我們可以點餐了。

Okay, what can I get you guys?

好喔，你們想要什麼？

Hello, well, what is your name?

哈囉，你叫什麼名字來著？

You all remember Kevin, right?

你們都記得凱文吧？

-Yes, welcome. -No.

-記得喔，歡迎 -不記得。

The child also has the uncanny ability to turn any stranger, however strange, into a new friend.

這個「小朋友」還有一個超奇葩的能力，就是他可以把隨便一個他不熟的人 (不管多不熟) 變成朋友。

So, can I get anyone something to drink?

那個，你們有想要先來點什麼喝的嗎？

Oh, you know, actually a seltzer would be nice.

喔好喔，我們先來點氣泡水好了。

Keith, you're getting the remote all greasy.

基斯，你把遙控整個都弄的油膩膩的啦！

Hand it over. We're gonna decide what to watch as a group.

遙控器拿來，我們來決定要一起看什麼。

Keith, no.

基斯，小心點。

And, just like a baby, he sometimes lacks the ability to fully control his own limbs.

這個「小朋友」有的時候還真的會跟小朋友一樣笨手笨腳的。

Hah, look, that dude's just like a baby.

哈哈，欸你快看看那個矬蛋。

Yeah, it's like he lacks the ability to fully control his own limbs.

對啊，他好像缺乏控制自己肢體的能力。

You protect the child at all costs because he's the most fun and sweet friend you'll ever have.

不管怎麼樣你都會為這個「小朋友」挺身而出，因為他是你一生中最好笑最可愛的朋友。

I have just the thing that'll help you feel better.

我這兒有個好東西可以讓你心情變好喔。

Then there's the "adult" of the group.

再來就是好友群裡面的「大人」了。

The one who's stuck in peak mom and dad mode 24/7.

就是幫著你們全部把屎把尿，全年無休的那個。

- It's a gift card! - Oh I love cards!

-是生日卡片喔！-我超愛卡片的！

The adult's parental advisory instincts kick into high gear whenever a resolution needs to be reached.

每次有重大決策的時候，這個「大人」就會自然而然扮演起家長的角色。

Guys, guys!

喂, 喂！

Keith got to pick last time so we're gonna go with Zack's choice.

上一次選台的人是基斯，所以這一次輪到札克選了喔。

- Goody. - The fuck, what about me?

-爽啦 -搞什麼，我為什麼沒得選？

No, your show is super depressing and not appropriate for Keith.

不行啦，你愛看的那個節目太鬱悶了，也不適合基斯看。

Which one's the search button?

選台的按鍵是哪個啊？

What?

哇賽？！

You can draw on your Snapchats?

Snapchat 上竟然可以畫畫耶？！

That's your Instagram story.

你現在在用的是你的 Instagram 故事模式啦！

No, Instagram's for pictures.

不是啦，Instagram 只能放照片。

And like many a parent the ever-changing social media landscape is never immediately apparent to the adult.

就跟大部份爸爸媽媽一樣，好友群中的「大人」通常都趕不上科技的潮流。

Yes!

水啦！

I caught another punchy rockeye.

我又抓到一隻小拳石了。

Cash me outside, how bout dah?

真心不騙，不服來辯，拉拉拉~

Oh my God, you ruin everything.

天啊，真是夠了。

Oh, excuse me, we're ready to order.

對不起，我們準備好要點餐了。

I'd like the tuna salad, and this guy will get the fried chicken combo...

給我一個鮪魚沙拉，然後給他一個炸雞套餐......

But who cares if you're a little behind the times when you're the only one on top of your shit?

可是如果你是朋友群中總是把一切打理得好好的那個，就算跟不上科技的潮流，又怎樣？

Yeah, I have several questions about several of the items.

那個，我有幾個有關這裡菜色的問題想詢問一下。

So the fettuccine alfredo...

就是那個奶醬義大利寬板麵......

Eugene, is that the girl you like?

尤金，那邊那個不是你喜歡的女生嗎？

Oh my God, shut up!

噢天哪閉嘴！

Eugene's got a crush?!

你有喜歡的人喔？！

No, shut up.

沒有！你閉嘴啦！

♫ Eugene's got a crush.

♫ 尤金戀愛 ing。

No, seriously, can I get another one of these, please?

真是夠了，可以再給我來一杯一樣的嗎？

♫ He's got a crush.

♫ 他戀愛 ing。

-Cheers. -Let's get shit-faced!

-乾啦！ -喝給他不醉不歸啦！

You all know and hope to survive the teenager.

你們的朋友群中也一定有那位「中二男」。

The friend in your group who is awfully good at being awesomely bad.

「中二男」就是朋友群中那個耍廢技巧高人一等的那個。

Someone take this from me. My body is gonna regret that in the morning.

來人啊，誰快點來阻止我繼續喝，要不然我明天早上會痛不欲生。

-I gotcha, buddy. -Thank you.

- 交給我就對了 -謝謝。

Aw, that dude's body is gonna regret it in the morning.

天啊，你看那個矬蛋，喝個酒明天就不行了呢。

Oh yeah, his little Benjamin Button body.

對啊，就像 「班傑明的奇幻旅程」裡面那個臭老頭一樣虛啊。

- Hold my shit. -What?

-幫我拿著一下 -幹嘛？

That was an Oscar nominated movie, I don't--

那部片還被奧斯卡提過名，你們膽敢侮辱它? 我跟你們勢不兩立.....

Although the teenager is violent and unpredictable, you can always rely on him to come to your defense.

雖然「中二男」超暴力又陰晴不定，可是不管什麼時候他都是最讓大家靠得住的那個。

- Taken care of. - No, no it's not.

-搞定 -不。

We have to go.

我們得走了。

-Kevin, how are you? - Who's Kevin?

-凱文，近來如何啊？ - 凱文是哪位啊？

Let's face it, on the outside the teenager can be a shady bitch.

我們就大方承認吧，「中二男」有時候真的會表現得很「顧人怨」。

I will kill you in your sleep.

我真的會趁你在睡覺的時候把你宰了。

-Go talk to her! - Shut up, you're embarrassing me!

-快過去找你喜歡的女生講話啊！ -閉嘴啦！你這樣我很尷尬耶！

Hi, I'm Keith, what's your name?

嗨，我叫基斯，你叫什麼來著？

No, don't talk to them.

喂，不要亂跟他們說話啦！

Oh, my crayons.

啊喔，我的蠟筆...

But, on the inside, the teenager is a profoundly sensitive friend.

可是「中二男」的內心呢，其實是非常敏感纖細的。

That's Ned and that's Zack, and I don't know where Eugene went.

這邊這個是奈德，然後那邊那個是札克，然後我不知道我們家尤金跑到哪裡去了。

Happy birthday, buddy. (slide whistle whooshing)

生日快樂啊兄弟 (滑回來的聲音)。

Oh, oh my God, a pepper shaker!

哇賽，是裝胡椒的瓶子耶！

I've always wanted one of these.

我從以前就超想要了。

Did you steal that from Kevin?

這個是你從凱文那邊幹來的嗎？

-Who's Kevin? - Is anyone else freezing?

-凱文是哪位啊? -只有我覺得這邊超冷的嗎？

Am I crazy?

還是只是我壞去了？

They just turn...every time I sit underneath a vent, they turn the vent and it's like so freaking...

每次我坐在出風口的時候他們就會把風開超大，快冷死了。

And finally, everyone knows the old person, who's stuck-- (record scratching).

最後要來跟大家介紹的是「老頭子」說到「老頭子」呢... (刮唱片的聲音)。

No, no, can you not freeze-frame on my face?

喂，哈囉，可以麻煩你不要把鏡頭對焦在我臉上嗎？

We get it. I'm the grumpy old man.

好啦我懂啦，反正我就是又老脾氣又臭嘛。

We're kind of too far in the video right now.

我們也已經拍夠多了。

We get it. We can move...can you get this out of here？

我都懂，我們可以直接...拜託可以把這個東西拿走開一下嗎？

What are you even doing here? -Zack, you gotta be nice to the narrator. - No, no, we're done--

你到底在這裡幹嘛? -札克，你喔要對人家旁白好一點啦 -管他的，我們拍完了啦。

Okay, well, as I was saying, the old person-- -Oh my God, bla bla bla.

痾，所以我剛剛說到這個「老頭子」呢... -天啊，講太多了。

You are so boring.

你有夠悶的啦。

Can we cut to the apartment?

我們可以直接跳到公寓那一段嗎？

It's cold in here.

這裡超冷的。

Anyone else think it's really hot in here?

只有我覺得這裡超熱的嗎？

Am I crazy?

還是我壞去了？

Hey, Carl, can you go... -Kevin.

-哈囉，卡爾 ... -人家叫凱文啦。

Whatever.

哎隨便啦。

Go to the thermostat, turn it down like two degrees, not three.

幫我去調溫器那邊把溫度調低個兩度，不要調低三度喔。

Uh, hey, excuse me.

那個，不好意思喔。

It's my job to narrate here--

我還要繼續做我的旁白......

No, no, we're all aware.

好，好，我們都知道啦！

Stop interrupting me.

不要一直打岔啦！

To the restaurant please. (snapping fingers)

來去餐廳囉 (彈指)。

Why is everyone so incompetent these days?

怎麼最近的人都那麼廢啊？

Um, I'm sorry, rude.

不好意思喔，可是你超失禮的耶。

Hey, ladies, excuse me.

哈囉，漂亮小姐們，照過來照過來。

My moody friend here with the spiky hair.

有沒有看到我們家這個悶騷刺蝟頭帥哥？

He wants to boink one of you.

他說想要跟你們其中一個「輕鬆一下」。

I'm not sure who, maybe-- -And I'm dead.

我是不知道他在說的是你們其中的誰啦，可能是... -你們看不到我。

I'm dead. -Anyway, I'm going to hand my friend a present so we can end the video.

你們看不到我 -好啦，我現在要送個禮物給我的麻吉，我們就可以結束這個影片了。

No need for fancy editing. God damn it, that was good.

不用華麗的後製編輯，這也轉接的太好了吧！

-Oh wow. -Just make it quick.

-哇塞 -快啦快啦。

Wow, oh my god, guys! This is perfect.

哇賽，天啊，你們看看！太棒了啦！

And that, is how your friends are literally just like your family.

看到這裡，大家應該都知道，為什麼你的死黨基本上就是你的家人。

Okay, quick quick, roll the credits before I die.

不要廢話了，快點把致謝名單放一放啦，要不然我要身亡了。

Ooh and Squad Wars—that's the show that we made.

喔喔，我們也有拍 「突擊小隊」喔！

Thanks so much for watching!

感謝大家收看！

Please check out our new YouTube Red show Squad Wars.

要去 YouTube 看我們拍的 「突擊小隊」喔！

This week we have Rebecca Black and Jessica Marie Garcia going head to head against Million Dollar Listing stars in a Bollywood challenge.

這個禮拜我們有邀請到 Rebecca Black 和 Jessica Maria Garcia 她們會在節目上跟 Million Dollar Listing 裡的明星一起在寶萊烏大挑戰中一較高下。

Watch it for us, won't you?

記得要收看喔！

God, I fucking hate smiling.

我超討厭要裝個笑臉！

It's, you know, cause we're a squad and we make other squads do stuff.

我們這小隊就是愛叫別人做東做西。

If you like this you should watch that.

如果你喜歡這一部的話，你應該也去看一下我們的「突擊小隊」!

And if you didn't like this, well, you watched the whole thing so the joke's on you.

如果你其實沒有很喜歡這片的話，我也沒辦法，你都已經看到這裡了，所以也回不去啦。

Did they turn the air conditioning on again?

他們又把冷氣打開了嗎？

Oh my god it is freezing in here.

天啊這裡有夠冷的啦。

Oh look, there's the, if you didn't know, yeah, you're watching a Buzzfeed video.

喔對了，不曉得你有沒有發現你現在在看的其實是 Buzzfeed 的影片。

Really really getting it in your face with that branding.

我們就是故意要在你面前一直打廣告啦。

Oh, and here's another Buzzfeed thing.

Buzzfeed 攻勢第二波。

With some really terrible sound actually, ugh, can we do that again without the sound?

這聲音難聽到爆，可以再來一次嗎？這次不要加剛剛那些聲音。

-It's really grating. -Oh that's so much better.

-真的超不舒服 -啊這次好多了。