Thank me! Thank me! Thank me!

謝謝我！謝謝我！謝謝我！

Welcome to my 24/7 Youtube live stream.

歡迎收看我 24 小時不打烊的 Youtube 現場直播

Today I will be talking about various things, and very big things, in the world of things.

今天我會談論許多不同的議題，非常重大的議題，發生在這個充滿議題的世界

That's right. This is how your president talks now.

對，這就是你現任總統說話的方式

Well, it's been another crazy weekend for Donald Trump; in case you didn't hear the news, I'll tell you now.

川普又度過了一個瘋狂的週末，如果你沒跟上消息的話，我在這裡告訴你

I shot four under par—my best golf score yet.

我達成了低於標準桿四桿的成績，這是我目前最佳的高爾夫球成績

But that's not what the fake news media reported on so it's time for me to take matters into my own abnormally gigantic hands.

但這不是那些虛假的媒體報導的議題，所以現在我要自己來掌控這些議題，用我異常大的手

The only way to ensure that the news you're watching is not fake is if I'm the one delivering it,

要確保你所收看的新聞屬實的唯一方法就是由我來報導

which is why I'm starting the Trump News Network.

這是為什麼我決定設立這個「川普新聞網」

This is TNN.

這是「川普新聞網」

Welcome to TNN,

歡迎收看「川普新聞網」

the only news network that is 100

唯一一個 100% 公道且 112% 屬實的新聞網

Our top story tonight:

今晚的頭條是：

Sweden is still reeling from Friday's incident that absolutely did happen.

瑞典仍處於週五不幸事件所造成的衝擊中，那個事件確實有發生

Details are still unclear but we're getting word it was definitely real,

我們目前沒有關於事件的具體細節，不過我們聽說它絕對有發生

and 100% not made up.

100% 不是被編造的

Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the Swedish men, women and fish.

我們為那些受到波及的瑞典男士、女士和魚祈禱

Nextly, President Me just announced his pick for National Security Advisor, H.R. McMaster.

接著，我這位總統剛宣布我的國家安全顧問人選，H.R. McMaster

Normally, when I'm talking to H.R., it's because one of my female employees is threatening to sue.

通常我會跟 H.R. 講話是因為有女性員工想要告我

But now H.R. is going to stand for "huge ratings."

但是現在 H.R. 新的定義是「高收視率」

That's right. We got McMaster. We got McMaster.

是的，我們有 McMaster，我們有 McMaster

We're even teaming up with McDonald's to release a new burger in his honor, called "The McMaster".

我們甚至跟麥當勞合作，以他的名義推出一款新的漢堡，就叫 "McMaster"

It's two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese.

包含兩片牛肉漢堡排、特製醬料、生菜和起司

And honestly, it was the only burger that said "yes".

老實說，那是唯一一個同意的漢堡

Nextly and sportsly, a new study finds that golf totally counts as work.

接下來，運動談，一個新的研究指出：打高爾夫球絕對算是工作

And now, for full weather report, here's our meteorologist, Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos.

現在，交由我們的氣象學家，也是我們的教育部長，Betsy DeVos 來為我們做氣象預報

Hi, hi, I'm a weatherman.

嗨，嗨，我是氣象員

Betsy, talk!

Betsy，說話啊！

Oh...uh...oh...we can expect sunny skies today.

噢...呃...噢...今天天空會有太陽

I like this sun. Whenever it comes out, I say, "Hello, sun!", and look right at it,

我喜歡太陽，它每次出來的時候，我就會說：「嗨，太陽！」並直視它

and sometimes my eyes burn. I'm a weatherman!

有時候我的眼睛感覺快燒起來了。我是氣象員！

Thank you very much, Betsy, thank you.

非常感謝妳，Betsy，謝謝

Let's get back to the real news, because there's a lot of bad things out there that people aren't talking about.

讓我們回歸正題，因為外界發生了很多不好的事，卻未被民眾談論到

In fact, let's find out what the next big news story is going to be,

事實上，就讓我們來看看下一則大新聞會是什麼吧

using my 100

用我的準確度 100% 的「壞事按鈕」

Oh no! There's been a Godzilla Attack in Finland! Finland!

喔不！酷斯拉攻擊芬蘭！芬蘭！

Finland! Can you believe it? And Godzilla, of all people!

芬蘭！你能相信嗎？酷斯拉！這麼多可能的犯罪人裡，竟然是他發動攻擊！

We really need to capture Godzilla and send it back to China!

我們真的需要把酷斯拉抓起來並送回中國大陸！

Well, that's all for this TNN report.

今天的「川普新聞網」報導到此結束

I've got to get back to work.

我得回去工作了

Show the logo. Cue the music.

可以秀出商標和播放配樂了