Even in challenging situations to a distinction between what someone does and what they meant to do.

即使遇到很惱人的情況，也要能夠清楚分辨別人實際上做了什麼事、跟他原本要做什麼

In law, the difference is enshrined in the contrasting concepts of murder and manslaughter.

在法律上，這之間的不同有兩個相對應的概念：謀殺 vs. 誤殺

The result may be the same: the body is inert in a pool of blood.

從結果看來也許是一樣的，那個人最後都倒在血泊中

But we collectively feel it makes a huge difference what the perpetrators intentions were.

但我們都認為行為者的目的和動機不同非常重要

Motives are crucial.

動機是很重要的

But unfortunately, we're seldom very good at perceiving what motives happened to be involved in the incidents that frustrate us.

但不幸的是，我們常常無法清楚分辨行為背後的動機，尤其是遇到讓我們挫敗的情況時

We're easily and wildly mistaken.

我們輕易地誤解別人

We see intention where there was none and escalate and confront when no strenuous or agitated responses are in fact warranted.

我們看見一些其實並不存在的動機，並且加以放大、與之衝突對立，即使當時情況並不需要如此激動地回應

Part of the reason why we jump so readily to dark conclusions

我們之所以會不加思索做出負面結論

and see plots to insult and harm us is a rather poignant psychological phenomenon:

及看見侮辱或傷害我們的陰謀，其實是源自一個滿痛苦的心理因素：

Self-hatred.

自我厭惡

The less we like ourselves,

當我們愈不喜歡自己

the more we appear in our own eyes as really rather plausible targets for mockery and harm.

我們在自己的眼中，就愈覺得自己可能成為嘲弄和傷害的目標

Why would a drill have started up outside just as we were settling down to work?

為什麼我們一坐下來要工作，外面的電鑽就開始吵？

Why are the email not arrive even though we'll have to be in a meeting very soon?

為什麼還沒收到 email，明明馬上就要開會了

Why would the phone operator be taking so long to find our details?

為什麼電話接線員，要花這麼久時間確認我們的身分

Because there is, logically enough, a plot against us.

因為——很合理地——有人設記針對我們的陰謀

Because we are appropriate targets for these kinds of things.

因為，我們是這些負面事情的適當目標

Because we're the sort of people against whom disruptive drilling is legitimately likely to be directed.

因為，他們就是喜歡在我們這種人附近使用電鑽

It's what we deserve. When we carry a background excess of self-disgust around with us,

這是我們應得的。當過度的自我厭惡成為心理常態

operating just below the radar of conscious awareness,

以這樣的自我意識來感知周遭

we'll constantly seek confirmation from the wider world that we really are the worthless people we take ourselves to be.

我們就會持續從外在世界尋找佐證，證明我們正如自認為的那麼沒有價值

The expectation is almost always set in childhood

這樣的認知，幾乎總是童年時期建立的

where someone close to us is likely to have left us feeling dirty and culpable.

當親近的人讓我們覺得自己有瑕疵、有錯

And as a result we now travel through society assuming the worst.

結果導致當我們活在社會中，總是做出最糟的預設

Not because it's necessarily true or pleasant to do so, but because it feels familiar.

不是因為這預設必然正確、或者這樣很愉快，而是因為我們對這種情況感到熟悉

and because we're the prisoners of past patterns we haven't yet understood.

也因為我們被囚困於過去的模式、而不自知。

We would be so much calmer around adults,

有個方法，能讓我們在成人身邊比較平靜

if we could resort to some of the unflustered poised we naturally use around children.

如果能以面對小孩時，那種自然流露的、 從容不迫的優雅來面對成人

Small children sometimes behave in really maddening ways.

小孩的行為有時候真的很瘋狂

They scream at the person who's looking after them, angry push away a bowl of animal pasta,

會對著照顧他們的人尖叫、生氣的砸翻一整碗義大利麵

throw away something you've just fetched for them.

把你剛為他們撿的東西丟到一邊

But we rarely feel personally agitated or wounded by their behavior.

但我們很少覺得他們的行為是針對我們、 而被激怒或感到受傷

And the reason is that we don't assign a negative motive or mean intention to a small person.

原因是，我們不會認為他們是出於負面動機、或覺得小孩有惡意

We reach around for the most benevolent interpretations.

我們會以善意的方式解讀小孩，

We probably think that they're just a bit tired, or their gums are sore, or they're upset by the arrival of a younger sibling.

可能會想，他們只是有點累了、或是牙齦痛、或是不開心有弟弟妹妹出現

We've got a large repertoire of alternative explanations ready in our heads.

我們的腦中準備了一大堆可能的解釋

And none of these lead us to panic or get terribly agitated.

而沒有任何一個會讓我們慌張、或被嚴重激怒

This is the reverse of what tends to happen around adults.

但如果是在成人身邊，我們的解釋方式通常正好相反

Here we imagine that people have deliberately got us in their sights.

我們會覺得他們是故意針對我們

If someone edges in front of us in the airport queue it's natural to suppose

如果機場的排隊隊伍中，有人在我們面前插隊

that they've sized this up and of reason that they can safely take advantage of us.

我們會本能地預設他們估量了我們，而有某種原因讓他們安心地佔我們便宜

They probably relish the thought of causing us a little distress.

並因為讓我們沮喪而感到得意

But if we employ the infant model of interpretation, our first assumptions would be very different.

但如果我們用面對小孩的方式解釋，我們首先想到的預設會非常不一樣

We think that maybe they didn't sleep well that night, have a sore knee, or have been upset by their lover.

我們會想，他可能昨晚沒睡好、或是膝蓋痛、或是跟戀人發生了不愉快

The French philosopher Inmilo Gustachtie, known as Alain,

法國哲學家 Émile-Auguste Chartier 或大家熟知的阿蘭

was set to be the finest teacher in France in the first half of the 20th century.

被譽為法國二十世紀上半葉最好的老師

And he developed a formula for calming himself and his pupils down in the face of irritating people.

他發展了一種方式，讓自己和學生 在面對惱人的人時也能冷靜下來

"Never say that people are evil." He wrote.

「絕不要說人們是邪惡的」他說

You just need to look for the pin.

你只要找到那根針

What he meant was: look for the source of the agony that drives a person to behave in appalling ways.

他的意思是：尋找是什麼痛苦的原因會讓這個人有這種作為

The calming thought is to imagine that they're suffering off stage in some area we can't see.

最能讓人平靜的想法是，去想像他在我們看不見的地方痛苦著

To be mature is to learn to imagine this zone of pain in spite of the lack of much available evidence.

當一個成熟的人，就是要去想像他擁有這種痛苦，即便我們看不到

They may not look as if they were mad and by an inner psychological element,

他們也許看起來並不生氣，且因為內在的心理因素

they may seem chirpy and full of themselves, but the pin simply must be there or they would not be causing us harm.

甚至看起來很快樂、很自大，但這根針一定存在，不然他不會傷害我們

When others madden us,

當別人惹我們生氣時

we need to imagine the turmoil, disappointment, worry, and sadness beneath an aggressive surface.

我們必須去想像他挑釁背後的混亂、失望、擔憂和悲傷

We need to aim compassion in an unexpected place at those who annoy us most.

我們必須以同理心面對最惹惱我們的人

We must do that very strange thing: move from anger to pity.

我們必須做一件很奇怪的事：將怒火轉為同情