I'm Ryan Higa

我是萊恩‧希佳

and I am currently attending the University of College State

我正在唸大學

where I am majoring in Political Correctness

主修「政治正確」(避免有歧視意涵的話語)

so you know that I know what I'm talking about.

這樣你就能肯定我是言之有物的吧

I can tell you exactly what is considered offensive and what isn't.

我可以告訴你什麼樣的話會冒犯人，什麼樣的話不會

I mean I've taken all the classes on political correctness such as

我是說我已經上過所有有關「政治正確」的課了，從

Facebook comments 101

初級臉書回覆 (美國大學課號 1 開頭的代表初級課程)

Twitter trends 102

初級推特流行話題

to Wikipedia

一直到維基百科

I've even taken an advance class on the subject called

我甚至上過進階課程叫做

reading news articles that other people write

「閱讀新聞報導中有爭議性的文章

to tell me how I should feel about controversial topics 205」.

來學習應有的正確態度」

With my vast knowledge on this subject.

藉著我對這個主題的博學多聞

I'm gonna be teaching you how to be the most politically correct you've ever been.

我要來教你成為最政治正確的自己

It was offending me.

我覺得被冒犯了

Welcome to how to be politically correct.

歡迎來學習如何達到政治正確

For those of you what don't know what that means,

那些不知道政治正確

being politically correct, or PC,

是代表什麼意思的人

Basically means to avoid offending people

主要的意思就是不要在言語上冒犯他人

Because we all know offending someone's feelings

因為我們都知道冒犯他人

is the worst thing a human being can do.

是一件最糟糕的事

So let's get started

我們趕快開始吧

The first lesson in being PC is to avoid the trendy topics.

「政治正確」的第一課就是避開正流行的話題

If an issue is trending on social media

如果是一個在社交媒體

Or talked about on the news

或新聞報導上正夯的話題

The chances are you should probably avoid that topic

想要「政治正確」就最好避開

Because all of a sudden everybody really cares about it now.

因為突然間，大家都關心這個話題

And no matter which side you pick

不管你的立場如何

You're probably going to offend someone.

你總會得罪一些人

Here's an example of a trendy controversial topic

以下就是一個具爭議性的例子

That you guys might remember.

你們可能還記憶猶新

Can you believe this?

你相信嗎？

What?

什麼？

This is Starbucks's Christmas cup.

這款星巴克聖誕誕杯

So?

然後呢？

So? There's no Christmas on the cup!

然後？杯子上沒有印聖誕節

This is a blatant attack on my religion.

這是對我的宗教信仰公然挑釁

A blatant attack on Christianity!

對基督教公然挑釁！

Plus, the cup is red!

還有，杯子是紅色！

That's the same color as hell!

和地獄的顏色一樣！

And the devil, and fire, and pimple's that aren't ready to be popped yet.

也和魔鬼，火，以及還擠不出來的青春痘的顏色一樣

Well I think they're right for not putting Christmas on the cups.

我認為杯子上沒有印聖誕節是對的

What did you just say?

你說什麼？

Well I'm not a Christian and if they did have Christmas designs on the cups then that infringing on my First Amendment Right of Freedom of Religion.

我不是基督徒，如果杯子上印聖誕節就違反了「美國憲法第一修正案宗教信仰自由」的宗旨

How dare you say something so un-American!

你竟敢講這種非美國人的話 (美國人多數信基督教)！

Un-American?

非美國人？

The vast majority of Americans - *Shouting match ensues*

多數美國人 ... (接連著不停的爭論)

Guys, guys, it's just a cup.

老兄，老兄，只不過是個杯子罷了

How dare you - *Shouting match continues*

你竟敢 ... (繼續爭論)

See? It might seem like a silly petty argument,

看到了嗎？似乎是個小事而已

But since it was trending in the news it's really important now.

但因為夯所以就變得很重要了

If you really want to be PC, avoid the trendy topics.

如果你真的想要「政治正確」，避開正夯的話題

This is what he should have said.

他應該這麼說

Guys, guys. It's just a-

老兄，老兄，只不過是...

Nevermind. No comment.

算了。沒意見

You know what, you're worse than both of us!

你知道嗎，你比我們兩個都爛！

Yeah by keeping quiet, you're part of the problem! Yeah, you're not doing anything to help.

對，你不講話就是個問題！對，你也沒做什麼有幫助的事

But this painting is so offensive I don't know why-

我不知道為什麼但這幅畫就是令人感到冒犯

The next lesson in being PC is no more jokes.

「政治正確」的第二課就是不要再講笑話了

Jokes are a thing of the past.

笑話都是已經過去的事

I mean, you might think that some jokes are not that bad, but in 2017, ALL JOKES ARE OFFENSIVE!

我是說，你也許認為有些笑話並沒有那麼糟，但是在2017年的今天，所有的笑話都會冒犯到別人

Hey, you want to hear this joke I just read?

嗨，你想不想聽聽我剛剛才讀到的笑話？

Ok.

好啊

Ok, so three guys walk into the bar right?

有三個男人走進一間酒吧

Oh ho ho! So three GUYS, huh?

欸欸欸！你說三個「男人」？

Didn't know you guys were against women's rights.

我還不知道你們不支持女性權利呢

What?

蛤？

Why do they have to be guys?

為什麼一定是「男人」？

They don't.

不見得

Well then it's sexist. Why are there no women? Women go to bars too!

這是性別歧視。為什麼不說「女人」？女人也會去酒吧的！

Yeah, I know.

我知道

Dude, it's just a joke.

老兄，就只是個笑話罷了

Oh, it's just a joke? What, women aren't funny enough to be a part of your little joke?

只是個笑話？難道把主角改成女生就不好笑了嗎？

Ok, fine! It doesn't really matter, ok?

好嘛，男人、女人都行，可以了吧？

Three WOMEN - Good! - walk into the bar in the middle of the day, right?.

三個「女人」-很好！在中午的時候走進一間酒吧

*Laughs* The middle of the day, wow.

(大笑) 中午，靠

What is it now?

又怎麼了？

Now you're saying that all women are alcoholics ya bunch of misogynists!

你是說女人都是酒鬼，你們一群仇視女性的大男人

Hey, why did the duck cross the road?

為什麼鴨子要過馬路？

Why?

為什麼？

To prove he wasn't chicken. *Laughter*

為了證明牠不是雞 (俚語 chicken 指膽小) (大笑)

Are you implying that all chickens are cowards?

你在暗指所有的雞都是膽小鬼？

Or that somehow ducks are above chickens in some way?

還是說鴨比雞要來的高級一點？

What?

蛤？

Because ducks and chickens are equal, ok?

雞和鴨應該是平等的，對吧？

And people like you who support duck supremacy are part of the problem.

你這種支持「鴨權至上」的人，本身就是亂源之一

What are you talking about? I don't see how this is offensive.

你是來亂的嗎？我看不出這有任何冒犯的意思

Yeah, of course you don't.

你當然看不出

You don't see it because you're a little privileged duck-boy who grew up in the safety of your little ranch.

你看不出是因為你是個從小在舒適圈長大的「小鴨霸」

So of course you're not afraid.

所以你當然不會膽小

Chickens? Chickens, we grew up in fear.

雞？雞，我們是在恐懼中長大的

We get drugs, GMO's forced into us at the mills.

我們被藥物毒害，我們被強迫變成基改生物

We're forced to watch each other get slaughtered just for food?

我們被強迫看著彼此被屠殺只為了要成為人類的食物

Hey, ducks get eaten too.

鴨也是照樣被吃阿

Yeah, they do. But tell me, how often do you come across ducks eggs at the supermarket, huh?

是，沒錯。但是請告訴我，你在超市看到鴨蛋的機率有多少？

How often do you pass by a fast food chain called KFD?

你看到「肯德鴨」連鎖店的機率又有多少？

Yeah see, all birds lives do matter.

你知道嗎，所有禽類生命都同樣重要

But right now, chicken lives, those are the lives that are in danger. And that's what's trending.

但現在，雞的生命瀕臨危險，這才應該是熱門話題

What do you call someone with no cell phone?

你怎麼稱呼那些沒有手機的人？

I don't know what?

我不知道，幹嘛問？

A house phone, because with no cellphone, you gotta call them with a house phone.

内線電話，因為沒有手機，你就必須打內線電話 (這是一部美國電影裡的笑話)

As somebody who finds Jonah Hill's and Michael Cera's comedy inappropriate, I take offense to that joke.

身為對喬納.希爾和麥可.賽拉演的喜劇片認為不妥的我，覺得被那個笑話冒犯了

What? They never even said this joke. How is this even related to either of them?

蛤？他們根本沒說過這個笑話，怎麼扯到他們身上？

Cause it was Superbad.

因為他們有夠爛 (Superbad 也是電影《男孩我最壞》的英文片名)

And finally, for the last lesson in being PC is for you to know that everything is offensive.

最後，「政治正確」的最後一課，就是你要知道所有事情都是會冒犯人的

If you don't think that something is offensive, chances are you're a bad person and you're not looking hard enough.

如果你不認為某件事會冒犯到他人，那麼很可能你是個壞人而且你對事情看得不夠透徹

Here, let me make it easy for you. I'll give you some examples.

現在，為了讓你更容易懂。我來舉個例子

Now take a look at this X-Men poster. Does it offend you at all? Because if it doesn't, you hate women.

請看這幅X戰警的海報。你有任何被冒犯的感覺嗎？如果沒有，那表示你有憎恨女人情結

It's clearly showing a man choking a woman.

因為海報上很明顯的是一個男人正掐住一個女人

So that means YOU think its okay for men to choke women

所代表的意義就是「你」認為男人掐住女人是OK的

Not to mention that the top of the board it says "only the strong will survive" implying that men are stronger than women

更別提海報上方寫著「只有強者才能存活」暗示男人比女人強

BUT thats not it. This poster isnt JUST sexist ITS RACIST

但事情不是如此。這幅海報不只是性別歧視更是種族歧視

I mean why is the light skinned blue person choking the dark skinned blue person, and not the other way around?!

我是說為何是那個淺膚色的藍色怪物掐住深膚色的藍色戰警，而不是相反呢？

Take a look on the date at the bottom! Don't tell me its just a coincidence that they conspired the release date to be on 27th THE EXACT same day

請看海報下方的日期！別告訴我他們陰險地把上演的日期訂在 5 月 27

That the race riots in East Saint Louis took place in 1917

剛好和 1917 年在東聖路易士發生的種族暴動是同一天只是個巧合罷了

AND as if that weren't enough, the title ITSELF is not just sexist! Its a hate crime!

如果這樣還不夠，請看片名本身就不只是性別歧視，而更是仇恨犯罪

I mean the title of the franchise is X-Men!

我的意思是片名叫 X-Men！

WHY not X-Women?!

為什麼不叫 X-Women?!

I'll tell you why! Because X-Men Apocolypse is an attack on the LGBTQ community!

我告訴你為什麼！因為《X戰警：天啟》就是在攻擊同性戀社群 (LGBTQ community)

That's right.

沒錯

X-MEN stands for transgender

X-MEN 代表變性人

They're X-MEN. They used to be men now they're women. So they're ex-men.

他們是 X-MEN。他們曾經是男人現在是女人。所以他們是 ex-men (前身是男人)

So when they say X-MEN apocalypse what they are really trying to say is it's the end of the world for the transgender community.

當他們說《X戰警：天啟》時，他們真正的意思是變性人的末日

I will not stand for that! I will remain sitting! I will not...

我不同意他們！我會繼續坐著 (stand 同時有站立和支持的意思)！我不‧‧‧

Wait a second... May 27th? This is old news. Is this not trending anymore?

等一下 ‧‧‧ 5 月 27日？這是舊聞了，已經過時了嗎？

Eeeehh it's not big deal then. Next.

那就沒什麼大不了啦。下一個

So in closing, I know there's a lot of things to remember so I'm going to simplify it and try to wrap everything up.

最後，我知道要記的太多，所以我把它簡化做一個總結

In order to be a truly politically correct person, avoid all of the trendy, controversial topics

要做一個真正「政治正確」的人，就要避開所有流行、具爭議性的話題

Which basically means that if something is being talked about by somebody, somewhere about something,

意思就是如果某些人在某個地方討論某件事

You may not have an opinion about it. Because you're wrong. And it's going to offend someone.

你最好不要發表意見。因為你永遠是錯的，而且會因此得罪一些人

You must also remember: no more jokes.

你也要記住：不要再隨便講笑話

Jokes are a thing of the past. So remember to never laugh or to make anyone else laugh.

笑話是一些過去曾發生的事情，請記住不要用笑話來取悅別人

Because if you do that means you're laughing at the issues.

如果你這樣做就表示你在嘲諷這個事件

Issues like war and rape and racism.

像是有關戰爭、強暴和種族歧視的議題

So if you laugh, you're a racist war rapist!

如果開這種玩笑，你就是種族主義者，戰爭強姦犯

And last but not least, and most importantly, everything is offensive.

最後，也是最重要的，所有的事都會冒犯到他人

It's not rocket science. If you don't want to offend others, it's simple.

這並不難理解。如果你不想得罪別人，很簡單

Don't have opinions, don't take any action, don't walk, talk, move, wear or share anything you're thinking about.

不要表示意見，不要有任何動作，不要行走、講話、移動、穿戴，或把你的想法與他人分享

Especially if it's about an issue, and everything is an issue.

特別是對一些特別的議題，而任何事都可能是一個議題

And, at the same time, keep in mind that with all of these issues if you don't speak up and take action...

同時，請記住如果你對這些議題保持沉默

You guys are part of the problem.

你們自己也變成了問題的一環

So stop having opinions, stop taking action, and step up and do something and take action!

所以停止發表意見，停止採取行動，也要勇敢發聲並起身行動！

*TEEHEE*

嘻嘻！

Greg: Cut! Cut. What? G: No no no it's not you. The video is great, the message is clear, it's just we're missing something.

格雷：卡！卡。 什麼？不是你的問題，影片很棒，講得很清楚，只是少了些什麼

I don't think we're going to get the views this way...

我不認為我們這樣會有點擊率

Unless ... *simultaneous gasp*

除非 ... (驚訝的倒抽一口氣)

Hi. I'm Ryan Higa. And I'm...

我是萊恩‧希佳 ... (找來白人學生代替)