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  • In order to survive in the world, we have little option but to spend our lives

    為了在這世界生存,我們沒有太多選擇,只能花大半人生

  • being rather defended, that is, at one remove from are more vulnerable sides

    保護、武裝自己,把我們脆弱的部分隱藏起來

  • closed off from certain emotions focused in many cases on not feeling

    不再表現特定情緒,在很多事物上變得不帶情感、不去感覺

  • and yet in relationships quite the opposite is required to be good at love

    但與人交往必須要相反,因為當個會愛人的人

  • means to have a capacity to reveal one's hurt, desire and tender sides, this is quite

    意謂著你必須能揭露自己的傷痛、欲望和脆弱,而這其實

  • a balancing act

    是需要做好平衡的

  • great strength for most of the day and well handled tenderness for the few that remain.

    大部份工作時,你必須充滿毅力,妥善地把溫柔收好,留給少數的人知道

  • it's no wonder if the journey from independence to vulnerability can get

    獨立到脆弱的這段旅程,兩者無疑是相伴的

  • rather fraught and if the desire for closeness can be accompanied by terror

    而若想親密的欲望緊伴隨著恐慌

  • and what looks like but isn't really, nastiness

    會挺糟糕的

  • even after years with someone that can be a hurdle of fear about trying to get close.

    即便與人相處多年,害怕與人親密的「懼離」可能仍存

  • two major symptoms then tend to show up

    兩個主要的症候便可能出現

  • firstly we can get distant or what psychotherapist call avoidant we want to

    首先我們會變得疏離,或是用心靈諮商師的術語「迴避」,我們想要

  • get close to our partners but feel so anxious that we may be unwanted

    和伴侶變得親密,卻同時很害怕我們會被拋棄

  • we freeze them out a bit instead we say we're busy

    我們把他們冰封在外,會說「我在忙」

  • we pretend our thoughts are elsewhere we imply that a need for reassurance would

    我們假裝總在想別的事,暗示確定親近感的必要性

  • be the last thing on our minds we might even have an affair

    絕不是我們的首要之務。我們甚至可能會出軌

  • the ultimate face-saving attempt to be safely distant and often a perverse

    這是最終極的、不會讓人拉不下臉的嘗試,能讓我們得以安全地與人產生距離,但同時也是個倔強的

  • quest to assert that we don't require the partner's love , a love that we've been

    摸索方式,去強調我們不需要伴侶的愛,那個我們太過保留而不敢要求

  • too reserved to ask for or else we can get controlling what therapist called

    的愛。或者我們可能就會變得非常有控制欲,也就是治療師所稱的

  • anxious

    焦慮

  • we feel our partners are escaping us emotionally and we respond by trying to

    當發現伴侶在情緒上迴避我們時,我們會官腔地以咄咄逼人的方式

  • pin them down administratively

    回應他們

  • we get unduly cross that they're a bit late will chastise

    我們會因他們有點晚歸而過度發怒,重重斥責

  • them heavily for not having done certain chores

    他們沒有完成一些家務

  • we asked them constantly they've completed a task they'd agreed to

    我們總是要求他們持續完成某些他們答應會做的事情

  • undertake all this rather than admit I'm worried I don't matter to you

    以上種種,卻不願承認自己其實是「我是擔心你不在乎我了」

  • we can't we believe force our partner to be generous and warm

    我們不能相信逼迫伴侶做個慷慨又溫暖的戀人是沒有錯的

  • we can't force them to want us even if we haven't actually asked them to

    我們不能強迫他們想要擁有我們,即便我們沒有要求

  • so we try to control them procedurally a tragic cycle that unfolds we become

    所以我們在悲劇性的循環中,循序地控制他們。攤開來說,我們其實是變成

  • shrill and unpleasant to the other person

    對伴侶而言,尖銳又不愉悅的存在

  • it feels that we can't possibly love them anymore

    感覺上,我們變得不再可能好好地愛他們了

  • yet the truth is we do which is fear rather too much that they don't love us but if

    然而事實是,我們能的。只是害怕他們不再愛我們的恐懼籠罩了我們,而若

  • a rather harsh graceless behavior could be truly understood for what it is

    換成一種尖銳粗魯的態度,則能被理解為

  • it would be revealed notice rejection but as a strangely distorted get very

    是吸引伴侶注意的方法,非常怪異且扭曲,其實是

  • real plea for tenderness

    一個渴望溫柔的懇求

  • we should have sympathy for ourselves relationships require us to put

    我們應該同情自己,因為感情需要我們把自己放在

  • ourselves in a very weak position visa fee partners if they ever want to use

    一個相對伴侶而言較弱勢的位置,如果他們隨時想要用

  • the power they have over us (and sometimes they do they know) exactly

    權力壓過我們(而且有時候還真的會!)他們絕對知道哪招

  • where to put the boot in this can be deeply frightening this aspect of

    最有效,深深震懾了我們

  • relationships is even more difficult if our early experiences and childhoods

    這種面向有時讓關係的維繫顯得更困難,尤其是我們早先的經歷或幼年

  • have made closeness rather scary if we've encountered people who have taken

    已經讓親密變得可怕,如果我們已經遇到過會把

  • signs of vulnerability as targets

    別人的脆弱作為箭靶的人們

  • so we're not frightened of closeness because we're fools but because it is a

    所以不害怕親密不是因為我們是愛情裡的傻瓜,而是因為

  • challenge to be around another person who might easily hurt us and to keep on

    和別人在一起原本就是挑戰,那個人可以很輕易地傷害我們而且繼續

  • in a relationship despite the fact that they do sometimes use this knowledge to

    這段感情,他們知道能夠用這個弱點

  • strike out at us

    成功控制我們

  • closeness is inherently threatening but we can gradually with courage and

    親密是無庸置疑的讓人恐懼,但我們是能夠以勇氣和

  • difficulty replace defense with explanation we can say we are frightened

    堅苦卓絕的態度,用坦白解釋取代防禦武裝。我們可以跟他們說,我們很害怕

  • and why

    還有為何害怕

  • rather than turn cold or controlling and we can begin to see what our partners

    而不是以冷淡或控制欲待人,我們可以知道伴侶

  • might be trying to communicate through their off-putting behavior

    在他們上上下下的態度裡,其實試著想溝通的是什麼

  • we can never be through with a requirement for acceptance

    我們也許一生都必須為「想要被接納」這件事苦惱

  • this isn't a curse limited to the weak and to the inadequate, in security and love

    但這不是僅限對軟弱或不合格戀人的詛咒。安全感與被愛

  • is a sign of well-being

    是良好狀態的徵兆

  • it means we haven't allowed ourselves to take another person for granted

    這代表我們還不會允許自己認為,別人的愛是理所當然

  • it means we remain realistic enough to see that things could genuinely turn out

    這代表我們保持務實,能看到事情真的有可能會

  • badly and that we're invested enough to care

    急轉直下,但我們對這段關係的投資夠多,足以讓

  • we must get better at seeing the love and longing that lurk behind some of our

    我們絕對能看見愛和渴求,就潛伏在我們和

  • and our partner's most frosty managerial and brutish moments were just in our own

    伴侶間每個冷漠的管控和殘忍的瞬間,不過是我們各自

  • way of dealing with the anxieties of trying to get close

    想要變得親近,同時為了對付焦慮所做出的努力罷了

In order to survive in the world, we have little option but to spend our lives

為了在這世界生存,我們沒有太多選擇,只能花大半人生

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B1 中級 中文 親密 脆弱 控制 態度 迴避 武裝

我們為什麼會害怕與人變得親密? (The Challenge of Being Close)

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    Mandy Lin 發佈於 2017 年 02 月 03 日
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