and yet it's also the most routinely disappointing thing we have to deal with.

常常也是個我們需要解決的頭痛問題

Too often you're at supper at someone's house,

例如你經常到某人家裡吃晚餐

there's an impressive spread and the hosts have evidently gone to a lot of trouble.

你不但對餐桌上的滿漢全席留下深刻印象，還有主人口中滔滔不絕的麻煩事

But the conversation is meandering and

話題不但漫長而且

devoid of any real interest it flits

乏味無趣

from an overlong description of the

話題從長篇大論的故事

failings of the in-flight service on a

關於某個航空公司的飛行服務不周到

particular airline to a strangely heated

再提到一個異常水深火熱的話題

discussion about the tax code. The

關於稅法問題

intentions of the hosts are hugely

主人邀吃飯一事

touching, but as so often we go home

著實令人感動，但是常常我們回家後會很疑惑

wondering what on earth the whole

全世界的運作方式

performance was really about. The key to

到底是如何

the problem of friendship is to be found

朋友之間產生的大問題，通常會在

in an odd sounding place: a lack of a

異常吵雜的環境中被發掘:

sense of purpose. Our attempts at

缺乏談話的目的，我們在友情下的功夫

friendship tend to go adrift because we

常常付諸流水

collectively resist the task of

因為我們集體抗拒以下這個任務 :

developing a clear picture of what

拓展具有意義的友誼關係

friendship might really be for.

找出友誼的核心價值

The problem is that we're unfairly

問題在於我們對友誼

uncomfortable with the idea of

缺乏安全感

friendship having any declared purpose,

常常聚焦在交朋友的淺規則上

because we associate purpose with the

我們把這種淺規則定義成

least attractive and most cynical of

一種乏味又厭世的動機

motives. Yet purpose doesn't have to ruin

但這個淺規則並不會去毀掉

friendship and in fact the more we

友誼，事實上

define what a friendship might be for

我們越去定義友誼關係

the more we can focus in on what we

越可以集中注意力

should be doing with every person in our

去對待在我們人生當中，出現的每個人

lives, or indeed the more we can

也或許可以

helpfully conclude that we shouldn't be

導出一個有益的結論，例如

with them at all.

我們根本不需要朋友

There are at least four things we might

目前大致上有四個方法

be trying to do with the people we know.

我們可以試著跟熟識的人產生互動

Firstly, networking. It's an unfairly

第一點，組織人際網絡

maligned idea. We're small, fragile

但這顯然不是很好的方式，因為我們在這龐大宇宙裡

creatures in a vast world. Our individual

是如此的渺小與脆弱

capacities are entirely insufficient to

個體的能力完全不足以

realize the demands of our imaginations.

去完成我們想像中的需求

So of course we need collaborators,

所以我們一定需要和別人合作

accomplices who can align their

與夥伴一起團結彼此的力量

abilities and energies with ours.

發揮各自擅長所能之處

This idea of friendship was given a lot

這種創建友誼的方式在

of space in classical literature.

古典文學中很常見

Take the Argonauts, the legendary ancient

以古希臘故事阿爾戈英雄為例

Greek tale, which traced how a heroic

其中有一位英雄船長名叫傑森

captain called Jason networked in order to

他呼朋引伴召集了一群人

assemble a band of friends to sail on

為了要航行至

the Arkham, in search of the Golden

Arkham找金羊毛

Fleece. Later, the same idea emerged when

之後，耶穌也抱持

Jesus networked, to put together a band of

類似的想法，將12位門徒聚集在一塊

twelve disciples with whom he could

他灌輸門徒

spread one or two world-changing ideas

一些改變世界的想法

about forgiveness and compassion. Rather

有關於寬恕和憐憫

than diminish our own efforts as we hand

與其以交換名片的方式來交朋友

out our business cards, such prestigious

不如運用這些實際的例子

examples can show how elevated an

來學習如何利用合作的概念來展現

ambitious networking friendships could

氣度不凡又理想的友誼

ideally be. Secondly, reassurance. The

第二點，營造安全感

human condition is full of terror. We're

人性涵蓋許多恐懼

always on the verge of disgrace, danger

我們經常走在恥辱、危險、失望的邊緣

and disappointment and yet, such are the

因此那些世俗規定

rules of polite conduct that we're

我們總是想像

permanently in danger of imagining that

盡可能地打破規則

we are the only ones to be as crazy as

幻想我們會是唯一的瘋子

we know we are. We badly need friends

瘋到不行的那種，因此我們的確非常需要朋友

because with the people we know only

如果你只有泛泛之交的朋友

superficially, there are few

那你就不太有機會得以

confessions of sexual compulsion or of

表達自己內心的情感想法

regret, rage and confusion. These

包含性衝動、後悔、憤怒與困惑

superficial acquaintances refuse to

這些表面朋友也會選擇

admit that they, too, are going slightly

不去表露自己內心的感覺

out of their minds. Yet the reassuring

而漸漸地封閉自己的心

true friend gives us access to a very

因此真誠且能相處自然的朋友給我們一扇通往

necessary and accurate sense of their

處理情緒的大門

own humiliations and follies, insights

像是丟臉或愚蠢的感受

with which we can begin to judge

也讓我們開始反思自己的情緒

ourselves and our sad and compulsive

諸如悲傷或不甘願的感受

lives slightly more compassionately.

能更體諒他人的感受

Thirdly, fun. Despite talk of hedonism and

第三點，找樂子，儘管人生就是要知足常樂

immediate gratification, life gives us

但是人生也常常給我們

constant lessons in the need to be

另一個課題，那就是

serious.

需要認真看待每一件事情

We have to guard our dignity, avoid

我們必須保有尊嚴

looking like a fool and pass as a mature

避免看起來像個傻子，行為舉止要像個成熟的大人

adult. The pressure can become onerous

這壓力其實不小

and in the end even dangerous. That's why

最後還可能導向不好的結果

we constantly need access to people we

這就是為什麼，我們都需要在一些值得信賴的朋友面前

can trust enough to be silly with them.

盡情的搞笑，來當成釋放壓力的窗口

They might most of the time be training

他們可能把大部分的時間投資在

to be a neurosurgeon or advising middle

如何當一個精神外科醫師或是

sized companies about their tax

替中型企業做稅額債務的分析服務

liabilities, but when we're together we

但是當我們同在一塊

can be therapeutically daft. We can put

我們可以藉瘋狂因子治療彼此

on accents, share lewd fantasies or doodle

我們學其他口音，大談黃色笑話

on the newspaper, adding a huge nose and

在報紙上塗鴉，在總統肖像上畫個大鼻子

a missing front tooth to the President

塗黑他的門牙

or giving the fashion model distended

或是給時尚名模加個

ears and masses of

巨耳和爆炸捲髮

curly hair. The fun friend solves the

有趣的朋友幫我們

problem of shame around important but

解決內心的不快也讓我們釋放

unprestigious sides of ourselves.

重要卻鮮微人知的一面

Fourthly, clarifying our minds. To a

第四點，刺激思考以釐清問題

surprising degree it's very hard to

你可能很難相信

think on our own.

我們很難獨立思考

The mind is skittish and squeamish. As a

因為我們的心脆弱又很吹毛求疵

result, many issues lie confused within

因此，很多大問題我們經常想不通

us. We feel angry but are not sure why.

我們感到憤怒但卻找不出原因

Something is wrong with our job but we

工作上好像出了問題

can't pin it down. The thinking friend

但又不確定問題在哪

holds us to the task. They ask gentle

因此幫助思考的朋友很重要

but probing questions which act as a

朋友關心我們的同時，也思考著問題的癥結點

mirror that assist us with the task of

他們就像是一面鏡子

knowing ourselves. One side effect of

幫助我們看見自己

getting a bit more precise about what

我們在經過無數社交生活的洗禮之後

we're trying to do with our social lives,

有時難免會遇到瓶頸

is that we're likely to conclude that in

也就是人際關係中所產生的不良影響

many cases, we're spending time with

我們花時間跟人相處

people for no truly identifiable good

卻找不出一個合理的理由為什麼要這麼做

reason. These proto friends share none of

新朋友和我們根本沒什麼交集

our professional ambitions or interests,

沒有共同志向和興趣

they aren't reassuring and may indeed be

也不值得信任

secretly really very excited by the

說不定還會因為別人的失敗

possibility of failure. We can't be

而歡欣鼓舞

catharticly silly around them and they

我們絕對不能肆無忌憚的耍蠢

aren't the least bit interested in

他們對於拓展自己和幫忙他人未來的道路

furthering our or their path to self

壓根兒沒興趣

knowledge. They are, like so many of the

更別說是自己的內涵

people in our social lives, simply in our

他們是社交圈中常常會出現的人

orbit as a result of some unhappy

常帶來一些不快的經驗

accident that we've been too sentimental

讓我們不知所措，甚而心裡蒙上陰影

to correct. We should dare to be a little

我們對於這一塊交友圈

ruthless in this area. Culling

必須要展現人性的殘酷

acquaintances isn't a sign that we've

割捨朋友並不代表

lost belief in friendship, it's evidence

我們對友誼失去信心

that we're starting to get clearer and

而是象徵我們更明白友誼的界線

therefore more demanding about what a

因此我們更會去要求友誼中

friendship could really be. In the best

應該遵守的規範

way the price of knowing what friendship

或許在家獨自度過午後的時光

is for may be a few more evenings at home

就能夠參透出友誼的核心價值

in our own company

與真諦也說不定呢