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  • The story of the path to coldness in love is well known: we start off full of affection for one another and then, with time, feelings fade.

    眾所皆知——愛情中免不了冷卻:剛開始交往時我們往往愛得要死,漸漸地,感情卻隨著時間變淡。

  • We start prioritizing work, we check our phones while they're speaking, we don't especially want to hear how their day went.

    我們變成以工作為優先,對方講話時我們卻盯著手機 ,我們根本不在乎對方今天過得好不好。

  • There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost: that people naturally get bored of one another in the same way as they get bored with everything else: the gadget that once seemed so amazing, the film they used to love.

    關於情感的凍結常有一個理所當然的解釋:人本來就會自然而然地對另一半感到厭倦,就像我們會對其他事物感到無趣一樣,像是曾經覺得很酷的玩意兒,或是以前熱愛過的電影。

  • Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.

    這說法認為,過度熟悉而漸行漸遠是無法避免的後果。

  • But there's another explanation, dark at first, but in the end, more hopeful.

    不過還有另外一個說法,乍聽之下可能會覺得很負面,但最後反而會覺得豁然開朗。

  • The loss of interest isn't either natural, or inevitable.

    興趣的減退既非自然而然,也不是必然的結果。

  • The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active.

    無趣是一種更複雜而且活躍的情感。

  • It exists, because we felt hurt by, angry with or scared of our partner and because we haven't found a cathartic way to tell ourselves, or them, about it.

    它會存在是因為愛人讓我們感到受傷、生氣或懼怕,再加上我們沒能夠有條理地告訴自己或他們這種感覺。

  • Tuning out isn't inevitable, it's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress, it's a way of coping.

    開始不理會對方並非無法避免,這是情感無法宣洩所出現的症狀,是為了度過難關而衍生的方法。

  • We're internally numbed, not just a touch bored.

    我們是因為心變得麻木,並非只因為覺得無聊。

  • This can sound strange, after all, we might have no active sense that our partner has been hurting, angrying or frightening us.

    這聽起來可能有點怪,畢竟我們可能根本感覺不到我們的愛人正在傷害我們,或是正在讓我們感到生氣害怕。

  • The idea appears laughable or extreme; it makes our partners sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings, neither of which is true.

    這個說法似乎很可笑或是極端,好像不是對方是怪獸,就是我們太懦弱不堪,但事實並非如此。

  • But the self that loves within a relationship is not the normal, adult self we know from other zones of our lives.

    可是那個在感情中付出愛的自我,並不是我們在生活中認識的正常成熟的自我。

  • We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.

    平常我們可能很機智有韌性,但在付出感情時卻是極其脆弱。

  • We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenseless version of ourselves that lives in our heads and is no tougher and no much wiser than we were as babies, which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed.

    我們應該把這個自我想像成更幼小、更天真、更無力抵抗的版本,它住在我們的腦袋裡,跟嬰兒時期的我們一樣脆弱,那也是當我們對愛情的需求和認識成形時。

  • It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts even if we're 6'2" with a pointy beard.

    是這個脆弱的自我在引導我們的內心,就算你外表是有著大鬍子的男子漢也一樣。

  • The loving self has a gossamer thin ego; it gets hurt, frightened, and upset with desperate ease.

    這個愛情自我有著薄如蟬翼的自尊心,它很容易受傷害怕,有著要小心呵護的玻璃心。

  • You could deeply distress it by interrupting it during the story it's telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch, by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on its arm yesterday, by preferring a book to cuddling or being a bit tricky about what channel it should watch on TV.

    要是你在它跟你分享午餐吃的三明治時打斷它,或是沒好好關心它昨天手臂上長的紅疹,亦或寧可看書也不抱它,還是看電視的時候搶遙控器,都會讓它心煩意亂。

  • Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights; but we don't love by adult standards.

    這些在一般成人眼中當然是芝麻小事,但我們不是用成人的標準在付出愛。

  • These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to its tender, emotional core.

    這些小小的箭靶已經足夠刺傷愛情自我那柔軟又情緒化的內心。

  • Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happened; it would carefully explain that it'd been frustrated and hurt.

    最理想的狀態當然是這個小小自我能立刻說明它怎麼了,它最好能夠仔細的解釋它其實覺得挫折跟受傷。

  • Its voice would be measured, undefensive and charming, but mostly it just stays silent.

    它的語氣最好是拿捏過的,不自我防衛,並且有魅力,可惜多半的時候它只是保持沉默。

  • That's forgivableit doesn't properly understand what's wrong, it just knows it's in pain and it's driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself which translates into behaviour that looks pretty cold.

    這可以體諒,因為它並不清楚自己怎麼了,它只知道它很痛苦,直覺告訴它要抽身、保護好自己,導致了表現出看起來很冷漠的行為。

  • If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, it could sound and feel absurd, which is partly why it doesn't.

    如果讓成人的自我代替愛情自我說明為何不開心,結果聽起來可能會很荒謬,這也是為什麼不會被說出口的原因之一。

  • There can be something especially humiliating in having to say: 'I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break.' or 'I'm 45 years old but not capable of sharing a TV remote control'.

    有些心情硬要說明白的話會讓人覺得很丟臉,像是「我覺得你不夠關心我的午餐吃了什麼東西。」 或是「我雖然已經 45 歲了,但是我無法分享電視遙控器。」

  • These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on, but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don't obey the ordinary adult rules.

    這些小事對成人來說是小鼻子小眼睛,但是那個讓自己在愛情中變得脆弱的自我並不走成人路線。

  • The consequence is that the loving self dries up, it doesn't want to have sex, it gets sarcastic and irritable, but it doesn't even know why it's like this.

    結果是愛情自我沒感覺了,連愛都不想做了,它變得尖酸刻薄又易怒,但它卻根本不知道為什麼自己變成這樣。

  • It isn't putting on an act, it's confused.

    它不是在演戲,而是感到困惑。

  • To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress, and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.

    要學習應付這情形,雙方都需要更清楚明白跟體諒,了解對方敏感和焦慮的緣由,還要願意在距離產生時去解讀是怎麼一回事。

  • We have to create a forum in which so-called minor, love-sucking hurts can safely be aired without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, the issues at stake as childish or imagined.

    我們需要創造一個平台讓我們能安心坦白那些小小的愛情煩惱,而不會被對方置之不理,因為它們常被視為幼稚舉動或胡思亂想。

  • The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous, if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life, but this is not the rest of life.

    如果用生活中其他更健全的標準來看,要小心翼翼地對待愛情自我很可笑,但這不是我們生活中的其他部分。

  • When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners, we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them,

    就算我們變得漸行漸遠,也不見得是真的不愛了,我們也許只需要一個機會去明白,我們其實是因為內心受傷在生悶氣,

  • and we should have access to a safe forum in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation.

    還有我們應該要有個進入安全平台的方法,在那裡我們可以坦誠不成熟但關鍵的情緒,可以抒發、被理解,而且不用擔心被取笑。

The story of the path to coldness in love is well known: we start off full of affection for one another and then, with time, feelings fade.

眾所皆知——愛情中免不了冷卻:剛開始交往時我們往往愛得要死,漸漸地,感情卻隨著時間變淡。

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B1 中級 中文 英國腔 愛情 成人 脆弱 受傷 感情 內心

為何會與愛人漸行漸遠呢 (Why We Go Cold On Our Partners)

  • 90898 5974
    Kristi Yang 發佈於 2021 年 08 月 06 日
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