- What up, everyone?

嗨大家,近來如何?

It's your girl, Superwoman.

歡迎回到Superwoman的頻道

And every Christmas, I experience the same three fails.

每當聖誕節到來，下面的這三件事總是會讓我感到很挫敗

Number one, creating my Christmas shopping list.

第一件事，列出聖誕節的購物清單

You see, the holiday season has its way of convincing

你知道的，節日就是有辦法讓你相信

me that I like more people than I actually do.

你身邊的朋友其實比你想像中的多很多

Like straight up, if I was to text every

但坦白說，如果我現在馬上傳訊息

single person on my phone right now like,

給我手機上的每一個人，內容像是

"Hey, really need a friend to talk to,"

「嘿...我現在真的很需要找人聊一聊」

one person would reply.

只有一個人會馬上回我

My mom.

我媽媽

And not even my real mom, me dressed up as my mom.

但也並非我真正的媽媽，而是我假裝成是她

But when creating my Christmas shopping list,

但當我在列我的聖誕購物清單時

'tis the season to feel like I owe erryone a gift.

這樣的節日總會讓我覺得我欠了每個人一份禮物

These are so bad.

這好好吃

- I know.

對阿

- You think I should get Priya a card or a gift?

你覺得我該給佩利亞卡片或是禮物?

- A card's fine.

卡片就好了吧

- What about Kevin?

那凱文呢?

- A gift.

禮物

- Lauren?

羅倫呢?

- Mmm, mass text.

嗯....一大段文字

- Mmm, what about David?

那....大衛呢?

- Ugh, a double tap on Instagram is more than enough.

呃...在 ig上案個讚就已經夠多了吧

- Mmm.

恩...

- Remember that time that he accidentally grabbed

還記得之前他不小心碰你屁股

your butt because he thought it was his own?

因為他以為他摸的是自己的嗎?

- Oh my God, that was so weird.

天阿，那時候真的超尷尬的!

But also kinda nice.

但他其實是個好人拉

- Wait.

等等

Dude, why is your list so long?

小姐，為甚麼你的清單那麼的長?

And who the hell is Jamie?

而且請問傑米是哪位?

- Okay, my mailman.

我家的郵差阿

You know Jamie.

你知道傑米的嘛

- Who still sends you mail?

要不然還有誰會寄信給你?

- My insurance company!

我的保險公司阿!

- And who is Alex?

那愛力克斯又是誰?

- The guy from the insurance company who sends me mail.

就是那個會寄信給我的保險公司人員

- Why is your ex's mother on this list?

那為甚麼你前男友的媽媽也在名單上?

- Why not?

這有甚麼好奇怪的嗎?

She made me dinner like a solid three times.

她連續為我做了整整三次的晚餐

- Yes, in 2010.

沒錯，但那是2010年的事了

You haven't had a boyfriend

你從我看 Good Luck Charlie 的時候

since I was on Good Luck Charlie.

就沒男友了

Charlie's a teenager now.

而查理現在已經是青少年了

- Whatever, okay?

我知道了拉

Look, lemme look at your list.

好，那換我看看你的清單

Are you dumb?

你是笨蛋嗎?

Are you dumb, are you dumb?

你是嗎? 你是嗎?

Why is Mark on here?

為甚麼馬克在這裡?

Mark cheated on you.

他劈腿耶!

- Look, it's the holiday season.

嘿，現在是聖誕假期好嗎!

Where's your Christmas spirit?

說好的營造聖誕節氣氛呢?

- You keyed his car last week.

你上禮拜才刮傷他的車

- Yeah, yeah.

是阿沒錯

But that was before I had my peppermint tea

但那是因為我之前還不懂得放寬心

in my nice Starbucks cup.

去享受身邊美好的事物

I am a different person now.

但我現在已經改變了

Plus, you have Kelly on your list and she spread

再說，你甚至把那個高中時期

that terrible rumor about you back in high school.

在學校到處散播你謠言的凱莉放在名單上

- Yeah.

是阿

But to be fair, it was true.

但其實她說的都是真的

- Whoa, gross.

你說甚麼!? 也太噁心了吧!

He's your cousin.

他是你表弟耶

- Okay, first of all, Harjeet is my second cousin.

好好好....首先，哈爾吉特是我遠房表弟

Also, I didn't know.

而且我一開始也不知道

Also, the Lannisters do much worse than that

而且，蘭妮絲特一家做的事比我更過分 （註：蘭妮絲特為影集《權力遊戲》中的角色）

and they have a hit TV show.

但他們演的影集卻超夯的

So really, it's not that bad.

所以...其實也沒那麼糟

- I don't know.

好吧..但我還是認為

Kelly's still a jerk.

凱利是一個爛人

- Yeah.

是沒錯

So like a gift card?

還是我送她禮金卡就好?

- Yes, but make it to 7-Eleven.

可以啊，7-11的

Or wait, wait, wait.

等等 ! 或者是...

Get her a 20 dollar gift card to Top Shop.

給她值20英磅的Top Shop禮金卡

She won't be able to buy anything.

這樣她就甚麼都不能買

- That's good.

好主意

Can we agree to not buy each other gifts this year?

我們可以今年不交換禮物嗎?

Like, my list is so long as is.

因為我的名單實在太長了

- Yeah, deal.

同意

- [Lilly] Sweet!

太好了!

These are so bad.

這真的好好吃

- Gimme more!

我還要!

- Number two, the surprise gift.

第二個，意外的驚喜

Every year, there's a couple people

每一年，總會有一些

that I have a real conversation with.

和你真正交心的朋友

Like bruh, we don't need to get each other gifts.

像是好哥兒們，我們不需要買禮物給對方

We're past that.

我們省略掉這個行為

That's like way too formal for us.

因為對我們來說那太正經了

We way too broke for that.

而我們又沒什麼錢

So you both agree, no presents.

因此你們達成了共識，不送禮

And then this happens.

然後，事情就這樣發生了

(knocks)

(敲門聲)

- Merry Christmas!

聖誕快樂!

(laughs)

(大笑)

- What is this?

這是甚麼?

- It's your Christmas present, silly.

你的聖誕禮物阿，笨蛋

Come on.

你忘拉

- I thought we agreed to no presents?

但我們不是說好不送禮給對方了嗎?

- No, don't be ridiculous.

哀，別開玩笑了

It's Christmas, of course I'm gonna get you a present.

今天聖誕節耶! 我當然得送你禮物阿

(laughs)

(大笑)

- Well why did we have the conversation then, Bridgit?

那我們幹嘛還事先討論阿，布莉姬?

- I was still gonna get you a present.

但我還是決定要送你禮物

- Oh, were you?

噢真的嗎?

- Obviously. (laughs)

當然

- 'Cause we had the talk and here you are.

但我以為我們已經討論過了

- Well, it's just a thing people say but they don't mean.

那只是每個人都會說的客套話罷了

- Where the F was the warning, bruh?

去你的客套話

Why did we have the conversation?

我們到底是為了甚麼討論的?

You out here making me look bad because I kept our promise?

你出現就只為了讓我知道只有我遵守約定嗎?

You know what a bad gift is?

你知道你送的禮物對我來說是甚麼嗎?

Lying, ya liar.

欺騙，你就是一個騙子

Honestly, how do you sit upon your

說實在的，你會一直坐在椅子上

buttocks with it being so on fire?

當底下有火在燒你屁股了嗎?

When you're in this situation,

當你遇到這種情況時

you can do one of three things.

你有下面三種應變方法

Well, I had got you a gift too.

其實我也準備了禮物給你

Obviously, duh.

我才沒有忘記

Ooh, I donated to a charity in your name.

我以你的名義捐了錢給慈善機構

- Awww, which one?

噢真的阿，哪一個機構?

- Which one?

哪一個?

Oh, for whales.

噢，保護鯨魚的

Yeah, whales, to ensure whales get to go to school.

是阿，確保每一隻鯨魚都能去上學

It's a huge issue.

這是個很重要的議題

- Education?

去上學?

- Oh yeah, did you know like 50% of whales

是阿，你知道有百分之五十的鯨魚

don't get the opportunity to go to school?

都沒機會接受教育嗎?

Aw, well you know, I got you a gift too.

其實我也準備了禮物給你

Yeah, it's just stuck in the mail and you know how it goes.

但還在我家信箱裡，還沒寄出

But don't worry, Jamie should be delivering it like any day.

但別擔心，我會看哪天叫傑米拿給你的

- Mmm.

喔....

- Oh well, I got you a gift too.

其實我也準備了禮物給你

Yeah, it's just upstairs.

在樓上

In fact, I'll go grab it right now.

我去拿下來給你

Wait here.

在這裡等我一下

- Lilly, it's like a little chilly out here.

莉莉，外面好冷

Can I come in, or...

我可以到裡面等嗎...

Hello?

哈囉?

Hello?

哈囉?

- Merry Christmas.

聖誕快樂!

- Awww.

哇嗚...

What could it be?

到底是甚麼阿?

- I don't know.

我不知道

- Makeup!

化妝品!

- Yeah. - Awesome.

是阿. 太棒了

I feel like it's a little dark for my skin, though.

但它好像比我的膚色暗一點

- Oh, no, no, no.

噢不不不

It's like a new tan thing.

這是最新流行的古銅妝容

- I don't know.

是嗎...

- I mean, Kylie's doing it, so...

據我所知，名主持人凱利之前就畫過這樣的妝...

- I love it.

我太喜歡了

Oh my God, thank you.

天啊，真的很謝謝妳

You know me.

妳真懂我

- Number three, secret Santa.

第三個，聖誕節的秘密交換禮物

Here's the thing about secret Santa, right.

事情是這樣的

First of all, I wasn't plannin' to buy

首先，因為一開始完全沒有討論

any of you a gift to begin with.

要送禮給其他人

So I know this whole scenario has been created to

所以我想的是

save me money, but really, I'm just spending more money.

可以藉此省下一筆錢，但事實上我花了更多錢

Second of all, it's always awkward and confusing

第二點，當在討論金額的上限時

when you're trying to decide the price limit

永遠是最麻煩困擾的

because no one even sticks to it anyways.

因為很難討論出一個大家都同意的價錢

And third of all, I swear to God, secret Santa is the

第三點，我發誓，秘密交換禮物的過程

second biggest political situation to go down this year.

就好比在進行本年度第二大的政治活動一般

The trades, the deals, the drama.

從一開始的買賣，交易，再到戲劇性的發展

Let's be honest, no part of secret Santa is a secret.

老實說吧，秘密交換禮物一點都不秘密

- So, what's the limit?

所以金額上限是多少?

- Mmm, what about $20?

恩....20英鎊?

- What about $50?

50英鎊怎麼樣?

- $50?

50英鎊?

I don't know if I like you guys that much.

我們的交情有那麼好嗎?

- What about $5?

要不然5英鎊?

- No, what can you buy for $5?

不行，5英鎊是能買甚麼?

- Fine, $30.

好，那就30英鎊

- Wait, is that $30 including tax though?

等等，含稅嗎?

- Excluding.

不含

- Okay, what about shipping, before or after shipping?

好，那運費怎麼辦，先付還是後付?

- After.

後付

- What if the store takes cash only

如果它只能刷卡怎麼辦?

and the ATM's fee is like 5 dollars,

手續費要大概5英鎊左右

is that included as well?

那也包含在裡面嗎?

- Fine, okay.

好我知道了

30 dollars, that's it, including everything.

就30英鎊，包含所有費用

We're done.

討論完畢

- Okay.

好

May the odds be ever in your favor.

願幸運之神永遠站在你這邊

Psst, who'd you get?

嘿，你抽到誰?

- Allen.

艾倫

- Trade with me, I got Carl.

和我換吧，我抽到卡爾

- Why?

為甚麼?

- I hate Carl, he walks so slow.

我討厭卡爾，他走路很慢

- This is for you.

好吧，給你

- I like Allen.

我喜歡艾倫

- Who do you have?

你抽到誰?

I have Carl, Lilly has Allen now.

卡爾，莉莉抽到艾倫

- I have Jess.

我抽到傑斯

I want Carl, he's cute.

我想要卡爾，他很可愛

- Well, I heard he walks slow.

是嗎，我聽說他走路很慢

- Can I have him?

我可以和你換嗎?

- Psst, who do you have?

嘿，你抽到誰了?

- I can't tell you. (laughs)

我不能告訴你

- Oh, so me?

我嗎?

So you have me?

你抽到我?

- I can't say.

我不能說

- Okay, so it's a 100% me.

好吧，那就是我了

- Yes, yes, I have you!

對，對，我抽到你!

- Oh, well way to ruin it, Scrooge!

噢，你壞了我的驚喜，小氣鬼!

- Who do you have?

你抽到誰?

- I have Allen.

我抽到艾倫

- No.

不可能

I had Allen, which means you have me because you lied.

我也抽到艾倫，代表你抽到我因為你說謊了

- Not to mention that secret Santa is

更不用說這個秘密交換禮物活動

the perfect opportunity for people who don't like you to be

對於那些討厭你的人來說，根本是個可以理直氣壯

hella passive aggressive with the presents they give you.

送爛禮物，以表達對你不滿的絕佳機會

- Merry Christmas, Mary.

瑪莉，聖誕快樂!

- Oh, thanks.

謝謝

Wow, a pacifier.

哇，是奶嘴

I don't have kids.

但我還沒有小孩

- Oh, I know.

我知道

I just thought maybe you could use it to shut up sometimes.

但我想有時需要妳閉嘴的時候這會派上用場

- Oh.

噢

Okay.

好吧

- Enjoy.

快打開吧

- Oh. - Merry Christmas.

噢，聖誕快樂

- Oh, thank you.

謝謝

Febreze?

除臭噴霧?

- Yeah, it's to help mask all the crap you talk.

沒錯，用來消除那些你所有說錯過的話

- I told you I didn't start those rumors.

我告訴過你我不是那個謠言的始作俑者

- Yeah, well 'cause just for the record,

是阿，但我只是想要再次聲明

Jameet is my third cousin!

傑米特是我六等親!

So, we're basically strangers.

所以我們完全不熟

Aside from these three fails though,

除去這三件令人挫敗的事

the holidays are awesome.

假期仍都是非常美好的

You get to wear comfortable, ugly sweaters,

你穿著舒適但不耐看的毛衣

eat amazing food, and see family.

享受美食並與你的家人團聚

Hey, cuz.

嗨

Tell your brother Jameet I said hi.

代替我向你弟弟傑米特問好

Mm-hmm.

嗯...

I'll see you at your parent's anniversary, okay?

我們到時在你父母的結婚紀念日典禮上見吧