and life you love.

你所熱愛的事業與生活

So this is an episode that I’ve wanted to do for so long.

老實說，我一直以來都很想要做這一集

It’s something that I’ve personally struggled with and I have a feeling some of you may

是關於我自己一直以來不斷碰到的難題，而我相信這樣的情況

struggle with it too.

你們或多或少也有碰過

So here’s what we’re talking about: what exactly should you say and not say when someone

所以我們接下來要來談談：當你知道有人深受喪親、疾病，又或是某些希望上帝阻止其發生

you know is suffering from a loss or an illness or, God forbid, something devastating happens.

的慘劇所苦時，哪些話是你應該說、而哪些話是你不應該說的

In other words, how can you truly comfort and support someone in a way that is genuine

換句話說，就是你應該要怎麼做才能真正安慰到對方、給予支持，展現出你的真誠

and that’s not trite or, worse, unknowingly offensive.

而不是一味的陳腔濫調、讓事情只會更糟，甚至擾人白目的話語

Here’s the thing, these days we’re all communicating so often via text and email

但重點來了，只要一發生什麼事，身處現代的我們常會透過簡訊

and social media anytime there’s news.

電子郵件、社群媒體進行溝通

So it can get easy to rely on the sad emoji from Facebook or the hug symbol, right?

所以我們就會很常依賴臉書上的哭臉符號，或是擁抱的符號來安慰人家，沒說錯吧？

Now, I wanted to do this episode because I feel like all of us, we all have so much more

我現在之所以要做一集，是因為我發現很多人，即使心中有再多的關愛

love and compassion in our hearts than often we’re able to express simply because we

與同情，卻老是言不及義，這是因為我們常常不知道

don't know what to say, or worse, we’re totally afraid of saying the wrong thing so

如何將愛說出來，或甚至更糟的是我們會因為害怕說錯話

we say nothing, which isn’t good.

所以就乾脆什麼都不講了，這樣可不太好

So while the following list isn’t comprehensive, I really believe it’s going to get us started

雖然接下來要列給你的說與不說清單並不算詳細，但我相信它能幫我們成功跨出第一步

and my hope is that you’re going to join in and help crowdsource even more wisdom in

我希望你也能一起在下面留言、討論這個議題，幫助更多人能更有

the comments below.

智慧地說話

So let’s get started with what to say and what not to say if someone shares a scary

那我們就開始吧，要是有人告訴你他得了一個很可怕且有生命危險的疾病時

and potentially life-threatening diagnosis.

有哪些話是該說、或是不該說的呢

So I asked one of my best friends in the whole world, Kris Carr, to help me out since she

所以我就詢問我世上最要好的朋友之一，克里絲·卡爾，來幫助我釐清 (譯註: Kris Carr是紐約時報專欄作家，也曾是亞馬遜書店暢銷書籍排行榜第1名的作家，她是健康主義者，也是癌症倖存者)

was diagnosed with cancer well over 10 years ago.

她在10年前被診斷過患有癌症

And here’s what Kris recommends.

以下是克里絲所建議我的

First, don't say, “I know exactly how you feel” because, here’s the truth.

首先，不要說「我能理解你的感受」，這是因為

Unless you’ve been through the same experience, you probably don't know exactly how someone

除非你也有過相同的經驗，否則你根本大概就不會懂得對方的

feels.

感受

And most people know that you’re trying to empathize, but others may feel like you’re

雖然大多數人知道你這麼做是為了同情他們，但有些人卻會覺得

minimizing their experience.

你在瞧不起他們有這樣的遭遇

Number two, don't push your opinions, especially if someone is overwhelmed.

第二，不要遑亂加上自己的意見，特別是當對方心理遭受到嚴重打擊時

So when you’re constantly bombarded with advice, it’s hard to tap into your own intuition.

試想當你被一大堆意見建議轟炸，你就會很難去聆聽自己內心的聲音

And depending on the circumstance, it may be just more appropriate to say less and hold

所以我們要依據當時的情況來判定，有的時候少說話、少給自以為是的意見，而是多予以傾聽

back and listen more.

或許才是最好的

Number three, don't share that you knew someone with the same problem or issue and it didn't

第三，不要跟對方說某人也有相同類似的困境或遭遇，因為那根本

turn out well.

就無濟於事

That’s a big no-no, because it will not bring you guys closer.

這可是大忌，因為那不會讓你們的關係變得更為緊密

Number four, do reach out and offer a loving shoulder to lean on and, even better, try

第四，伸出援手幫助對方、給予溫暖的臂膀讓他有所依靠，可以的話

and plan something fun to do together.

甚至還可以試著計畫一起做有趣好玩的事

You know, when you’re going through the fire, a little sunshine really helps.

你也知道，當你走過浩劫萬難的時候，一點和煦的陽光絕對能溫暖你的心房

And number five, do keep checking in.

還有第五，想幫就幫，不用等到對方開口

While it’s wonderful to tell your friend or your loved one to reach out if they need

雖然你告訴你的朋友或所愛的人如果需要任何幫忙，跟你講一聲就好

anything, they probably won’t.

但礙於某些因素，他們可能不會這麼做

So just keep checking in and proactively offer specific support.

所以這時候隨時關注他們的狀態，主動提供特定的協助是很重要的

So, for example, “I made a huge pot of veggie chili and I’ll be in your neighborhood at

好比說，「我做了一大罐素辣椒醬，而我大概會在下午5點的時候到你家

5pm.

附近

Can I drop some off for you?”

到時我再順便拿一些醬給你吧！」

Next up, let’s talk about a few do’s and don’ts for when tragedy strikes, like a

接下來，我們來談談當有人遭逢不幸，好比說像是一場大火、天災

fire or a natural disaster or something that completely wipes out somebody’s home or

或者因故導致對方整個家庭、所處環境或是生意遭逢毀滅的不幸時

their environment or their business.

哪些話該說，而又有哪些話是不該說的

So these incredibly insightful tips are from Dr. Andi O’Conor.

而我接下來要介紹這些非常具有獨特見解的小秘訣，是來自安迪．O'．卡娜博士

This woman’s house burned down not once, but twice and she’s written about it extensively

這個女生的家不只被燒掉1次，而是2次，所以她就在她的部落格上

on her blog called BurningDownTheHouseBlog.com.

寫了一篇滿大篇幅的文章，部落格叫做BurningDownTheHouseBlog.com

Here’s what Andi says.

安迪在上面這麼寫道

Number one, don’t start with the words “at least,” as in “at least you’re alive”

第一，不要一開頭就說「至少」，好比說：「至少妳還活著啊」

or “at least you have insurance.”

或是「啊不幸好妳有買保險」

Meaning don't try and force gratitude on the person.

也就是說不要試著強迫對方感激幸好還有什麼

Number two, she says don’t say “it’s just stuff” or “it’s just money” or

第二，她說，不要說「它不過就只是個東西嘛」或「它不過就只是錢而已嘛」

“it’s just” anything.

或「它不過就只是......」

That dismisses the enormity of what the person is going through.

這樣做不過只是想快點打發掉對方遭遇重大不幸後的痛苦

Number three, don’t make it a discussion of God or faith or religion, even if you think

第三，不要在這時候談論有關神明、宗教信仰等等，就算你很確定

you’re sure of the person’s religious or spiritual belief.

這個人是信什麼宗教或其他精神信仰

So, for instance, if they go to your church or you’ve heard them mention God, don't

舉例來說，假如他們來到教堂，你聽到他們談論到了神，千萬不要

say something like, “God only gives you what you can handle.”

在這時候白目地說：「上帝不會再讓你承受更多的苦難的」(譯註: 這句話背後的意涵是，如果你連這種事情都處理不好，那你肯定不是個虔誠的基督徒，這對深信基督信仰的人來說，是很傷人的)

Remember, an event like this can really rock someone’s faith and their world, so don't

要記得，像這樣的話可是會摧毀一個人的信仰與世界

assume that they’re open to ideas like it was all meant to be, especially at this time.

所以不要自以為對方對所有觀念，都能開朗樂觀地接受，特別是在這種時候

And number four, the only do from Andi, is make sure you say these eight words: “I

第四，安迪唯一提到的該說什麼，就是確保你有說到這8個字：

am so so sorry. How can I help?”

「我真的十分十分遺憾，我有什麼能夠幫你的呢？」

Finally, let’s cover some do’s and don’ts when someone loses a loved one.

最後，我們來談談當有人痛失摯愛時，哪些話該說，哪些話不應該說

We found some incredible guidance from legendary grief and loss expert David Kessler and from

這方面我們找到超讚的顧問，包含治癒悲傷與喪親之痛的知名專家大衛·科斯勒

Joanna Goddard of Cup of Jo.

以及Cupofjo.com的喬安娜·戈達德 (譯註: A Cup Of Jo是由Joanna Goddard於2007年開始經營的部落格，內容多與紐約生活方式、時尚、設計與育兒有關)

Here’s some of what David shares.

以下是大衛分享的一些秘訣

Don't say things like: he’s in a better place, there’s a reason for everything,

不要說：「祂會活在更好的地方」、「人生自古誰無死？」

it was her time to go, she was such a good person, God wanted her to be with him.

「她剛好壽終正寢罷了」、「她是一個這麼好的人，所以上帝才會想把她帶走」

And don't say be strong.

還有不要說「節哀順變，堅強點」

Now, on the other hand, do say things like this: I’m so sorry for your loss, I wish

從另一方面來看，我們可以這樣說：「我很遺憾你痛失摯愛」、「我希望

I had the right words, just know I care, and I’m always just a phone call away.

我說的話讓你覺得好點，只要記得我在乎你」、還有「只要你一通電話，我就會立刻趕過來」

Cup of Jo has a post specifically about writing sympathy notes, which she posted after she

至於Cup of Jo則是專門寫了一篇討論如何安慰人家的文章，這是她在她妹夫保羅

lost her brother-in-law Paul to lung cancer.

因肺癌逝世之後所寫的

She offers these extremely helpful do’s.

她提供了以下這些極為有用的「應該做」小撇步

So first up, do send a snail mail card.

首先，親手寫一張熱騰騰的信或卡片 (譯註: sanil mail是指傳統信件，和email是相對的，因為email寄件速度較快，傳統信件相對寄送速度較慢，所以被諷稱為蝸牛般速度的信件)

Not that online is wrong, but especially now in the digital age, an actual physical card

不要用電子郵件的方式，那樣不好，正因為我們身處在一個資訊數位時代，一張親手寫的卡片

can be something so special.

才能顯得格外真誠、打動人心

It’s tactile and you can literally hold those words in your hand and reread them again

那是能夠觸摸得到的，能夠真實感受到字裡行間在你的掌心之間跳動，並能一再而重複地

and again.

閱讀

She also shares do offer to help in specific ways.

她也有提到「以特定的方式來幫助對方」

So saying, “anything I can do for you?” is nice, but actually offering specific ideas

如果說「有什麼我可以幫助你的嗎？」，這句話聽起來不錯，但你可以再改成

like “come over for dinner and we’ll grill for you” makes it a lot easier for people

好比說：「我們一起吃晚餐吧，你要吃的烤肉都包在我們身上」，這樣就會讓對方較能輕易

to say yes.

答應接受你的協助

And, finally, do tell stories.

還有最後，「說故事」

The more, the better.

越多越好，永遠也不嫌多

You can share your favorite memories of the person who died or talk about how they had

你可以說說這些過世的人對你有過哪些最難忘的回憶，或是他們對你的人生

an impact on your life.

造成什麼樣的影響

The Cup of Jo post says, “the grieving person is thinking about the person 100% of the time,

Cup of Jo在貼文中還提到：「沉默在哀傷痛苦的人，時時刻刻都在想著過世的那個人

so there’s nothing that you’re going to say to make her sadder.

這時候你什麼都不用說，她就已經非常難過了

Instead, the stories you tell are going to make her feel more connected.”

所以最好的辦法，就是說說以前的故事，讓她對這些故事有所連結、脫離悲傷的情緒」

As we wrap up this episode, a few reminders that we all need to hear.

在我們這集結束之前，還有一個重點是我們一定要銘記在心的

So no matter what goes wrong, the most important thing that you can do is be with that person,

就是不管發生什事情，最重要的就是一定陪伴在那個人身旁

like really be there for them without judgment and without expectation.

完完全全的陪伴，沒有任何批判，也沒有任何期望

Listen to them.

只需用心傾聽他們的感受

And if you’re physically together, hold their hand and really be by their side.

如果你就在對方身旁，不妨握住他們的手，在身旁陪伴著他們

So let’s close up this episode with a tweetable.

那我們最後就以下面這則推特轉發訊息作為總結吧

Never let your fear of saying the wrong thing, stop you from saying something.

「永遠不要因為害怕可能講錯話，而錯失掉原本能安慰到他人的良機」

Now I would love to hear from you.

現在我想聽聽看你們的意見

If you have some other do’s and don’ts to share from your experience, please put

在你過去的經驗，有沒有其他該做或不該做的事情想分享

them directly in the comments below.

請直接在下方留言區寫下來

Now, if you do share a don’t, do so with love and compassion.

聽好，如果你分享的是「不要這麼做」，但真的不小心做了，也請帶著你的愛與同理心

Because, after all, most of us genuinely want to be supportive but we can all make mistakes,

因為畢竟我們很多時候是真正有心想幫助，但總會不小心犯了錯

especially if we haven’t been through that experience ourselves.

特別是在我們自己沒有經歷過那樣的經驗的時候

Now, as always, the best conversations happen after the episode over at MarieForleo.com,

如往常一樣，每一集結束後，在MarieForieo.com網站裡，都會出現熱烈的討論

so head on over there and leave a comment now.

所以現在就請你到網站上，留下你的想法吧

Once you’re there, be sure to subscribe to our email list and become an MF insider.

一旦你進到網站，確定是否已經訂閱我們的電子報，以成為Marie Forleo家族的一員

You’ll get instant access to a powerful training I created called How to Get Anything You Want.

之後你就會馬上得到一套我自創的超強訓練音樂檔叫做：「如何取得你想的東西」

You’ll also get some exclusive content, special giveaways, and personal updates that

你也會獲取一些獨有的內容、特別的免費贈品，或是我沒有分享在其他地方的

I just don't share anywhere else.

我個人最新動態

Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world needs that special

繼續闖蕩你的事業，並繼續朝著你的夢想邁進，因為這世界正需要

gift that only you have.

你那獨一無二的天賦

Thank you so much for watching and I’ll catch you next time on MarieTV.

非常感謝你的收看，我們下回再於Marie TV上見囉

The most important thing that you can do is be with that person, like really be there

最重要的就是一定陪伴在那個人身旁，完完全全的陪伴

for them without judgment and without expectation.

沒有任何批判，也沒有任何期望

Listen to them.

只需用心傾聽他們的感受

And if you’re physically together, hold their hand and really be by their side.

如果你就在對方身旁，不妨握住他們的手，在身旁陪伴著他們