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  • The Halo franchise just turned fifteen.

  • That means it's allow to drink, according to Good Parents.

  • So, let's talk about every Halo game.

  • [garbage truck clanking]

  • At MacWorld 1999, Halo was announced by the one and only Jesus Christ.

  • It was going to be a Mac exclusive and have dinosaurs.

  • But, then, Microsoft did a Microsoft and stole it.

  • The game was going to be on the Xbox One.

  • Yes, the console that was five percent box and ninety percent controller.

  • Halo: Combat Evolved has nine levels and one mental stability test.

  • The story's simple: in the year 2552, humans are at war with the Covenant...

  • and we are losing, which is bullshitthey are eight races; we are one, so they should be disqualified.

  • You play as John.

  • But that name is too generic for a main character, so he's called Master Chief.

  • The game starts with the boys in blue attacking our ship, so we leave the ship and land on the space ring, Halo.

  • Is it the same Halo as in the title?

  • No. They never call it Combat Evolved.

  • There's this level, but it's boring, so we travel to the night level to find the ship's captain,

  • and he tells us that the aliens that speak American told him of an awesome beach.

  • So we go there to look for chicks, but instead, Master Chief finds Halo's map.

  • Then there's an awesome snow level, and here, we find out that the Covenant fucked up.

  • The ring is a prison for the Flood.

  • The Flood are intergalactic parasitic organizombies!

  • They are space zombies!

  • Now, we have to rescue the captain because he's still out there, looking for chicks.

  • Aw, we're too late!

  • A blue ball named 343 Guilty Spark tells us, to kill the Flood, we have to activate the ring.

  • But then Siri gets angry.

  • Turns out the rings were build by an ancient alien race called the Forerunners

  • short for, "Before Runners," because they never invented running

  • there was no space case in [???].

  • The Forerunner fought the Flood and didn't stand a chance because guess what the Flood could do?

  • Too lazy to come up with a good solution, they built rings that could end all life in the Universe.

  • The rings are WMDs.

  • That's right, George. You forgot to check the Milky Way!

  • So she's like, "This AI was made in America, baby! Let's blow up this ring!"

  • The only way to blow it up is to punch the captain, who is now a tree, in the face.

  • Analyzing... we have five minutes before the fusion drive detonates!

  • Da-da-da-daaaaaa da! Da-da-da-daaaaaaa da! Da-da-da– ♪

  • This jump... every fucking time.

  • That was the best game ever, and back then, I was worried that there wouldn't be a sequel

  • because I was too stupid to understand capitalism.

  • Halo 2: Combat Evolved begins directly after the book, Halo: First Strike.

  • In it, Chief has to travel from Halo to Earth.

  • But how will he get through security with all those weapons?

  • Also, the Covenant has discovered Earth.

  • A soldier took a selfie and one of them said, "Hey, I know that place!"

  • It begins with a Covenant trial.

  • This is the Arbiter. He was in charge of protecting this thing.

  • It went, ah, mediocre.

  • Somehow, he's going to be tortured!

  • No need for that! Just use some... tape.

  • Then the Covenant invade Earth and we, the humans, beat the shit out of them.

  • But one cruiser gets through and attacks, uh... Kenya?!

  • Wait... "cruise," not "cruiser."

  • They aren't invading; they are tourists!

  • They want to see the tigers!

  • Then, like most tourists, they transport the city to another side of the Universe, and we follow.

  • Here, they discover a brand new Combat Evolved.

  • Then, we get to play as the Arbiter.

  • He has been tasked by the Covenant Prophet leaders to kill some rebels.

  • So he does that.

  • They had been led astray by 343, just like all those people online.

  • To blow up the other Halo ring, Master Chief had to punch a captain in the face,

  • so he tries the same strategy here, but it doesn't work.

  • And, then... I'm not going to make the obvious joke.

  • Covenant releases the Flood again, and the Prophets decide that the Arbiter and his kind

  • are too competent and good at fighting, so they betray them.

  • The subtitle for Halo 2 should be, "Covenant Keeps Fucking Up."

  • They meet Gravemind, who is part-time leader of the Flood, and part-time motivational coach.

  • So, he sends the Arbiter to achieve his dream of saving the galaxy,

  • and he sends Master Chief to achieve his dream of punching the Covenant Prophets in the face.

  • Arbiter succeeds; Master Chief does not.

  • The game ends with the Prophets' Truth being on a ship to Earth,

  • and Master Chief saying, "Sir, finishing this–"

  • Halo 2 was the first game with matchmaking.

  • Before matchmaking, you'd be a regular at the server and be forced to meet that one guy.

  • But, with a new system, you can meet a new that-one-guy every single day,

  • yet it also united us. It doesn't matter what country you are from, because on every corner of this blue planet,

  • kids are fucking idiots.

  • Halo 3: Finish the Fight...

  • ♪ [fanfare] ♪

  • ...was the last good game ever made.

  • It had the biggest game launch of all time,

  • and it kept that title for less than a year.

  • Fucking bowling!

  • The game got amazing scores from everyone, except New York Times,

  • but I wouldn't give their city a nine, either.

  • Halo 3 begins with Master Chief crash-landing on Earth, and then he dies.

  • Then that repeats several times because he had a bad checkpoint.

  • The Prophet Truth is on Earth, and he's looking for the Ark,

  • a halo remote detonator the size of Jupiter,

  • and he thinks he's gonna find in

  • Kenya! ♪

  • Really? Again, you're not gonna find it in

  • I spoke too soon.

  • Truth opens a portal to the Ark.

  • We go off after him so we can finish the fight.

  • ♪ [fanfare] ♪

  • There it is!

  • Why's it called the Ark?

  • Yes, you see, the Forerunners just fucking loved Raiders, but doesn't?

  • 343 is here, and he says that the story is too much fun and not over-complicated enough.

  • All the levels so far have been kind of "meh," or alright.

  • Then this one shows up, and all is forgiven.

  • Oh, noes! Truth is about to activate every ring!

  • But Arbiter stabbed him! Yay, Arbiter, finish the fight!

  • ♪ [fanfare] ♪

  • Oh, fuck! Gravemind!

  • Because Halo 3 is the last Halo game, they make a bunch of reference to the older games,

  • like Halo 1 had this weapon, so does Halo 3; Halo 1 had a shitty Flood level, so Halo 3 needs a shitty Flood level,

  • and at the end of the game, they even did the, "♪ Da-da-da-daaaaaaa da! ♪" car thing.

  • And Master Chief is dead. Turns out the only way to finish the fight–♪ [fanfare] ♪–was to kill the fighter.

  • Halo 3 had the best multiplayer of all time.

  • Seriously, the map "Construct" alone is probably better than World of Warcraft.

  • It's the game I've played the most.

  • My team was even number one MLG...

  • Europe.

  • It was like ten [???] teams or something.

  • So why didn't I go pro, you ask?

  • My teammates held me back...

  • ...by being better than me.

  • The game was unbalanced, though.

  • If you had this helmet, you could not lose.

  • Halo 3 also had map-making.

  • I remember spending hundreds of hours just finishing one map.

  • If I had spent that time studying math, I could have had a good job right now.

  • Fuck you, Forge! You ruined my life!

  • When they first announced a Halo strategy game, I was like, "Wow! Awesome! Awesome possum!"

  • I was gonna have the Flood as my main.

  • But in the game, you could not play as Flood.

  • I guess it's my own fault for having unrealistic expectations,

  • but I was born in the 90s, damn it!

  • This is everyone else's fault!

  • So I sent an e-mail to Bill Gates.

  • Turns out, he was also going to main Flood, and he had the wrath of a thousand stars.

  • We both agreed that he should shut down the studio.

  • I am the sole reason for no Age of Empires IV.

  • A big problem with the Halo franchise is that the games are set all over the Universe,

  • and not a single one set exclusively in Kenya.

  • So, they made Halo ODST, a game where you run around this one city

  • looking for a certain someone's real birth certificate.

  • I don't like Halo ODST because it's 40 minutes long and I had to pay full price for it.

  • Though, it has the best soundtrack ever.

  • Halo Gray [Reach] is a prequel about a planet that fell to the Covenant.

  • The story is that Reach falls and everyone dies.

  • Not everyone. The last mission, you escort Cortana, who is a main character.

  • Did I ever introduce her?

  • Should have talked about her in, like, the first five sentences,

  • so I–I'm gonna pretend she's not important.

  • In Halo lore, the destruction of Reach really hurt humanity.

  • Much like how the game, Reach, really hurt the Halo franchise.

  • It didn't kill Halo. Only competitive Halo.

  • Halo 2 and 3 had a one to fifty ranking system.

  • This is relevant, but it would take too long to explain, and I am lazy, so...

  • can you all pretend I made some good arguments?

  • Weapons were random, Bungie's own maps were terrible, so you'd better like the color gray!

  • And, take it away, GameTrailers.

  • GT VO: The only ability we're not fond of is Armor Lock.

  • KILLIAN: This fucking piece of shit garbage made the game unplayable.

  • Did Reach do some good stuff?

  • Probably. But complaining is easier.

  • Anyways, Bungie left Microsoft and made this game, that is three games in one.

  • You maniacs! You blew it up!

  • Damn you all to hell!

  • "Hey, Melvin! I put everything good about Reach in the bag under the blue painting.

  • "Then, I put everything bad about Reach under the azure painting.

  • Can you bring the bag to 343?"

  • Okay, fine. Halo 4 is not necessarily worse than Himmler.

  • The game starts with Master Chief being awoken by, uh...

  • himself?

  • Then a bunch of complicated bullshit happens

  • and Master Chief won't shut the fuck up throughout the entire game.

  • What part of "silent protagonist" do you not understand?

  • This guy is the antagonist, and the game ends with, uh...

  • no one dying.

  • Considering Halo 4 is the worst game of all time, the campaign isn't that bad.

  • Should probably back up my claim about Halo 4 being the worst

  • by talking about weapon drops and equal footing.

  • But, instead, I'm going to resort to childish insults.

  • You are dog shit! I didn't think it was within the laws of physics to make such a bad game!

  • After only twelve months, both Reach and Halo 3 has more active players than Halo 4.

  • This fucking nineteen year old game was destroying this completely new game.

  • Okay, the truth is Halo 3 went free-to-play exactly one year later,

  • but this video is very biased.

  • 434, please fix!

  • With the last game being disliked, and the Xbox One selling fewer units than the Zune,

  • Halo 5 was guaranteed to underperform.

  • So Microsoft declared it the most successful Halo game of all time,

  • proving magic is real.

  • They also had to remove co-op because Xbone is weaker than Commodore 64.

  • Some people didn't like the last game's complex plot,

  • so what if it was complex and also awful?

  • [laughing:] Halo 5's campaign is such a giant piece of shit, seriously!

  • In the game, Master Chief is being chased by Luke Cage for three hours.

  • Featuring cut scenes! What if I could play this?

  • A bunch of people I don't give a fuck about, and the shit ending.

  • Most people just want a fun space adventure.

  • Tatoo that on your arms.

  • But what about multiplayer?

  • Haven't played it that much, though I thought it was fun.

  • Just not what I wanted.

  • And, currently, Halo 5 does have a fantastic map-maker.

  • On console!

  • Get your shit together, PC!

  • Anyways, next Halo game would be Halo Wars 2, by Creative Assembly,

  • so don't expect any more Total Wars.

  • And that is the Killian Experience.

  • On my Patreon, I have started a behind-the-scenes commentary series

  • called, "What the Heck was I Thinking?"

  • First episode is the Civilization video.

  • If you are interested in that, consider supporting.

The Halo franchise just turned fifteen.

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B2 中高級

光環的垃圾回顧 (A Garbage Retrospective Of Halo)

  • 47 3
    Mine Shi Lee 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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