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  • I need sex help.

  • Okay.

  • No, I need sex help from you.

  • Good one.

  • I'm serious. You're the only one who can help.

  • What?

  • I'm still alive.

  • Yes, you are cold-blooded and alive, which is why I need your advice. It's Carly. She has a horrible fetish.

  • What?

  • You're still alive and you called a fetish horrible.

  • Yes, normally I am sex positive but Carly's thing is unheard of. She wants to have the kind of sex you have.

  • Infrequent?

  • No, she wants to have the kind of sex I imagine you have if, slash, when you have sex.

  • Straight sex?

  • Alison! Carly wants to have... loving sex.

  • Oh! I love loving sex, because it leads to love which leads to engagement which leads to marriage.

  • Ugh! Okay, please don't be so vulgar.

  • Just go back to the sex part, okay? How do I have it?

  • Oh, I don't wanna talk about that.

  • Drop the Victorian act, Raskin. I need you, this is life or death.

  • Not really, loving sex is actually super safe... If you use a condom.

  • Carly is very hot. Mega-hot. Evan-Rachel-Wood-with-short-hair-hot.

  • Wow, this girl is so hot you're willing to get into loving sex with her? That's huge.

  • Please. I definitely would not ask, okay? But you're my only normative friend.

  • Alright. My advice is simple.

  • Go slow, make a lot of eye contact, and whisper nice things into her ear.

  • What kind of nice things?

  • I dunno, stuff like: "Your hair smells pretty,

  • and I can't wait to buy a home together in the future."

  • Ugh, and she'll like that?

  • Yeah! You can also stroke her face gently as foreplay and say:

  • (whispering) "I like you more than Gaby."

  • That always really works for me.

  • It just seems so demeaning.

  • Hey, stop being so judgemental about people's sexual preferences.

  • If I have to be okay listening to you anal beading in the next room,

  • you sure as shit can gently make love to a woman you actually care about.

  • Right, anything that's consensual is okay.

  • You say that all the time, so open your mind.

  • And the eye contact is...?

  • Non-negotiable.

  • Yuck...

  • Normal people are...too much.

  • I love it when you call me normal.

  • I feel like you're holding back.

  • No.

  • What aren't you telling me?

  • You can't handle it.

  • I once banged an entire Mid-Western family over the course of one summer, Allison,

  • so I think I can handle anything.

  • Fine.

  • The secret to loving sex isn't the sex itself. It's what happens after.

  • No...

  • Yes, Gaby. If you want to make Carly yours forever, you have to

  • Don't say it!

  • Cuddle.

  • Mmm, I can't do this.

  • Wait! I need to explicitly describe pillow talk to you!

  • I'm gonna puke!

  • Picture this! Everyone's wearing clothes and talking about their feelings.

  • Ooh! Sign me up.

  • (outro music)

  • How'd it go?

  • Great. I told her if she's not getting what she wants from me,

  • she can get it from somewhere else. So...

  • Expect a call from an 818 area code.

  • Ugh, I think you might be a psychopath.

  • (sigh) But I'm not done with the book yet.

  • Oh wait, you're in the book.

  • (outro music)

  • Oh, hopes and dreams, tax returns, all sorts of good stuff.

  • (Gaby groans off-screen)

  • I love talking about taxes in bed. (laugh)

  • Subtitles by the community

I need sex help.


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    羅紹桀 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日