(bell dings)

- We're going to build a ramp to get

over this wall and into America.

We're going to make those gun-toting,

hot dog-eating Americans build

and pay for the ramp.

Make Mexico bueno again.

(audience cheering)

Gracias.

Gracias.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

- It feels like there are short, meaty spiders on my back.

(calm guitar music)

- That's not a meat spider.

That's my fingers.

(clicking)

- I've been told I'm a great misogynist.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

So many wildlings are entering

the seven kingdoms illegally.

We must build a wall.

- We already have a wall.

It's called The Wall.

- Then build two walls.

Build a ceiling.

Build a moat and a fence.

Also, we need to take off

all these stupid coats.

There is no scientific evidence that winter is coming.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

Radical Islam.

- No.

Starts with a D, ends with a G.

- Radical Islam.

- No, man.

I'll give you a hint.

Who peed on the rug?

- Radical Islam.

(exasperated sigh)

- Who humped your leg?

- Radical Islam.

- Who's man's best friend?

- You know, it doesn't make sense,

but I'm going to say Radical Islam.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

Look, it's a great wall.

Now I have a rope.

It's the best rope.

- Shouldn't you be silent?

- Hey!

That's right.

So let the mime do what he does best, okay?

Shut your stupid mouth.

Alright, look, it's an invisible

glass ceiling over you.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

- Give me directions to the nearest Wendy's restaurant.

- We're gonna go get to Wendy.

And it's gonna be so great.

- I need directions!

Directions!

- Listen, my African American

we're gonna talk to Wendy

and we're gonna get eight chicken nuggets and a Frostie.

It's gonna be free because my friend,

the Burger King, is gonna pay for it.

- The Burger King isn't even a real person!

And I still don't know how to get there!

- We did it, everyone.

- We did what?

- It.

- Are you...?

Come on, Donald!

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

- [Customer] Hey my man,

could I get four pounds of your finest shredded

jalepeño jack cheese?

- We don't sell shredded cheese.

We only sell blocks.

Because

I want to make America grate again.

(cheese grating)

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

Your honor,

you're a whore.

(gavel banging)

- Guilty!

- Success. We did it.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

(fun music)

I got your nose and I'm not going to give it back.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

Give me back my nose you fat looser.

All clowns are crooked thieves.

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

♫ One Step At A Time

♫ In the blink of an eye

♫ I'm learning to live

♫ I'm learning to fly

(marching band music)

(bell dings)

- I have no idea what I'm doing.

I should have dropped out of this race a long time ago.

I never thought it would get this far.

But my crippling insecurities are preventing me

from dropping out of the race.

I hate women because they hate me

and my disgusting flabby body

and my tiny little hands.

Okay.

I call blacks and Mexicans thieves

to throw suspicion off myself

because I am the real thief.

No matter how much I pay my wife,

she hasn't had sex with me in years.

Also, based off my marital history,

it is abundantly clear

that I am a whore.

(marching band music)

- [Trump] Thanks so much for watching.

I know you loved it.

To watch bloopers and deleted scenes,

click that box on the left.

To watch every election ever,

click the box on the right.

You're gonna do it.

And you're gonna like it.

I know you will.