It can be immensely hard not to think that those who offer us love are in some ways weak, mistaken, needy, craven, or just defective.

我們容易認為給予我們愛的人可能很軟弱、搞錯狀況、黏人、怯懦、或有什麼缺陷。

It can feel a lot easier when love was unrequited.

暗戀他人簡單多了。

And our primary preoccupation was a thrilling dread that the admired person hadn't even noticed us.

不被喜歡的人注意這種感覺讓我們感到興奮又恐懼，這佔據了我們的心思。

But now, there's finally no doubt anymore. It's really clear they do like us, and something troubling has arisen.

但如今，一切都豁然開朗。他們很顯然喜歡我們，不過我們心中的不安也油然而生。

We're feeling a bit sick.

這有點令我們倒胃口。

We're tempted to say we've got them wrong.

這會讓我們覺得我們錯看他們了。

They can't be the admirable people we thought they were.

他們並沒有我們先前認為的那麼值得欣賞。

But the issue isn't really to do with them at all.

但問題根本不在於他們。

It lies somewhere else entirely—in our relationship with ourselves.

問題全源於其他地方——我們看待自己的眼光。

Their affection seems suspicious, incomprehensible, and a touch repulsive because at some level, this isn't what we're used to.

他們的愛慕之情對我們而言很可疑、難以理解且有點噁心，因為在某種程度上，這不是我們所習慣的。

It doesn't tally with our view of ourselves.

這與我們對自己的看法相互矛盾。

Love can be hard to receive when we're not fundamentally convinced of our own lovability.

當我們不認為自己是可以被愛的時，我們很難接受愛。

We spend our time seeking out those who can make us suffer in ways that feel familiar,

我們會去找尋那些用熟悉的方式讓我們感到痛苦的人，

and it becomes natural to assume that a kind lover has missed something.

我們會自然而然認為這位喜歡我們的好人是不是搞錯了。

And perhaps then try to behave in disgusting ways, just to make sure they understand we're really not who they thought we were,

然後我們也許會試圖表現出我們很糟的一面，讓他們知道我們並不是如他們想像得美好，

and that they will therefore leave us in painful, but somehow psychologically gratifying ways.

接著他們就會因此離開我們、傷我們的心，但又會讓我們的內心感到莫名地滿足。

In short, how could anyone be so great if they have the bad taste to think well of someone like us?

簡單來說，這麼棒的人眼光怎麼會差到會來欣賞我們？

But we have to allow ourselves to entertain another option.

但我們必須往另一個方向去想。

Perhaps this affection we're receiving is not a sign that our kind lover is weak or wrong or has no other options.

也許這位愛慕我們的好人喜歡我們根本不是因為軟弱、搞錯或別無選擇。

Perhaps it's a sign that they've seen something in us, which, poignantly and tragically, we don't yet quite see in ourselves,

也許是因為他們在我們身上看到了我們自己從沒注意到的好，

and have never been allowed to believe in by figures in our past that we are deserving of love.

我們也不應該因為過往經驗而認為我們不值得被愛。

There is hope in all this, hope that we can come to trust our lovers more than we trust our own first nervous self-destructive impulses.

這一切仍有希望，希望我們能夠信任我們的情人多過於信任自己一開始就想自我毀滅的衝動。

We can interpret their love not as a sign of their delusion or weakness, but as evidence of an inherent lovability in ourselves to which our past histories have blinded us, yet to which their love and tenderness can now awaken us.

我們可以不把他們的愛解讀為幻想或脆弱，而是我們值得被愛的證明，過去的經驗蒙蔽了我們，但他們的愛與溫柔現在能喚醒我們。

We don't invariably have to hold it against others when they see some point in us.

當別人在我們身上看到一些優點時，我們並不一定總是需要少喜歡對方一些。