but I can tell you they have terrible taste.

If it were up to me, they'd be due back never.

But it's not.

So, it's Tuesday.

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Eddie, up now! School!

Eddie: Who's Eddie?

I'm Dorf.

"Leonard, keep your eye on the ball."

I don't know who that is, but I don't have time for jokes.

Stop playing invalids and get dressed.

♪

Okay, who was it?

Who used my card to rent movies?

Just tell me who it was.

I won't be mad.

[ Sighs ] Come on.

I know one of you took my card, went to the video store,

embarrassed me in front of Corey.

Louis, nobody knows what you're talking about.

Let the boys focus on their breakfast.

Staring contest.

I didn't know. It's too early to compete.

Too late. I'm staring at you!

Eddie, stop distracting Evan.

He has a spelling test. He needs to eat.

You can still eat, right, Evan?

♪

I never wanted this.

I'll wait outside.

[ Sighs ]

Game over.

Now move.

We tied!

Okay, come on. We got to go.

Mom. I need you to sign this.lease.

Let's go.

I'm not gonna sign another doctor's note

granting you permission to eat two lunches.

It's my permission slip for my history-class field trip.

Field trips are just paid vacations for teachers.

I don't pay taxes so they can walk around a museum

telling our children

that a painting of a soup can is beautiful.

What?! But --

When your class goes on the field trip,

you can just do CLC in the library.

End of discussion. Okay.

You never let me do anything.

[ Sighs ]

Louis, I'm going with Honey to the mall to run some errands.

Maybe I'll eat a pretzel or a doughnut.

Okay! Just finishing my coffee,

and then I'm off to work like normal.

[ Door closes ]

Just as soon as I find those tapes.

♪ Creepin' up on ya ♪

♪ Creepin', creepin' up on ya ♪

♪ Creepin' up on ya ♪

♪ Creepin', creepin' up on ya ♪

♪ Creepin' up on ya ♪

♪ Creepin', creepin' up on ya ♪

♪ Don't try to put me down, I don't feel pain and sorrow ♪

♪ The sun will come out! ♪

♪ Yeah tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

♪ I bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun ♪

♪ Showin' gratitude, my attitude is kind of rude ♪

♪ I walk with a frown while I puff my cigar ♪

♪ Creepin' up on ya ♪

♪ Creepin', creepin' up on ya ♪

What the hell?

So many nipples.

Ah! Don't lift him by the neck, Louis.

Lift him by the sphenoid.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Marvin, I actually just came over

to ask your advice about something.

Uh, okay. What a beauty.

You know, I got him when he was drinking water.

Pow. That's why his tongue's out.

[ Chuckles ] Anyway, what were you saying?

Oh, um, does Honey ever...

look at other men?

Why?

What the hell did you hear?

Nothing.

Uh, it's just... I found some tapes

under Jessica's side of the bed.

Shirtless-men tapes.

Shirtless-men tapes?

Action movies.

Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Uh-huh.

And you're worried that you're not giving Jessica

the macho action-movie energy she clearly craves.

[ Laughs ]

You know, now that I hear it out loud,

it does sound kind of crazy.

No, it doesn't.

You should be worried.

What?

She probably kept it a secret from you

because she didn't want to hurt your feelings,

which you shouldn't even have in the first place.

Maybe you're right, Marvin.

Tonight, I'm going to sit her down and really talk it out.

Talk?

That's what got you into this mess.

They're action heroes, not talking heroes.

You want to solve the problem, you got to act.

You think I took that stag to tea

and floated the idea of mounting his head on my wall?

No. I just did it.

Pow!

You want to stop Jessica from watching those tapes?

You got to show her you can be that kind of a man.

Pow.

Pow.

Pow!

Pow!

[ Chuckles ]

♪

I'm telling you, it was him!

Why would Steven Tyler be at the Sharper Image in Orlando?

Because he wants a fogless shave mirror, Honey.

Anyway, how's everything else?

How are your boys doing?

Fine. Eddie's mad at me

because I won't let him go on his history field trip.

The one to Colonial Floridatowne?

Believe me, you're doing the right thing.

I chaperoned when Nicole went,

and let's just say the bathrooms are very realistic.

Did you just say Colonial Floridatowne?

They are literally wood sheds with a hole in the ground.

I love colonial American history!

Colonial Americans were like the Chinese of today.

Their struggle, their work ethic,

their ability to use every single part of the buffalo.

I mean, you've seen my porcelain colonial mice.

♪

What the...?

Colonial Americans survived

under the harshest of circumstances,

and for that, they deserve our respect.

Look at this one.

Proud, hard-working,

holding out her milk jug to the world

as if to say, "Show me your worst, America.

I'll still have milk."

This one looks a little bit like Sally Field,

don't you think?

I think that one looks a lot like Sally Field.

Where's your brother?

He's playing Super Mario in his room.

He says it's nice to start the day with a victory.

Eddie, you're gonna be late!

Stop playing Italian Maintenance Twins and get in here!

♪

[ Grunts ]

Later, I'm going to dig a trash pit and burn this.

Louis, what are you doing? Put a shirt on.

I feel more comfortable this way.

You hate being shirtless.

You wear a t-shirt in the ocean.

[ Sighs ]

I'm trying to give you

the macho action-movie energy you clearly crave.

What are you talking about?

I found your tapes, Jessica.

The ones you keep hidden under our mattress.

Your action-movie tapes.

I don't watch action movies.

The only movies I watch are riveting Denzel dramas

about legal briefs.

"Where are the legal briefs?

Who has the legal briefs?

Julia Roberts, get me the legal briefs."

Okay, so if you didn't rent them, who did?

Probably your mother.

I already searched her room.

All I found was a Chow Yun-Fat calendar.

♪

Somebody in this house is lying to me,

and I'm gonna find out who.

♪

Forgetting something?

Uh, why are you giving me this?

I changed my mind.

You can go on your history field trip.

Really?

Thanks, Mom.

Wait.

Why are you wearing a hat?

Because I'm coming with you as parent chaperone.

We leave at first light.

♪

Aha!

Emery?

I can explain.

Discover Card.

I'm not a Discover customer

but I'm calling about that Credit Scorecard.

(TO DOG)Give it to me. Give it.

Oh, sure!

We give it to everyone for free.