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  • You might be sabotaging your first impressions and not even realize it, and it's not because

  • you're making some big, terrible mistake, it's because a lot of the advice that we've

  • all received over the course of our lives is incomplete. And if you take that incomplete

  • advice and you apply it to the wrong situation, you're going to get a bad result. So in this

  • video, what I want to do is talk about three pieces of advice that need tweaks to actually

  • work in the real world. And when you add these tweaks, you'll go from sabotaging first impressions

  • to really, really hitting home runs.

  • And the first one that I want to touch on is this. A lot of people aim for harmony in

  • first impressions. They do not, under any circumstances, want to create conflict, but

  • the truth is when people cross lines, even in first impressions, the best thing that

  • you can do is set a boundary. I want to give you an example, so you can really take this

  • home. This is one of my favorites.

  • A friend of mine, way back, was at a company--it was a finance company--and he was presenting

  • to the head honcho boss. This guy's worth a hundred million dollars, flies around in

  • private jets, and was generally an abuser, like he was verbally abusive to everybody

  • in the office. So he's got this meeting and he's pitching to him whether or not they should

  • invest in a company that they gave him to research. And he gets around to the end and

  • he says, "So based on all my research, I think that this company is a pass, it's just too

  • risky." Head honcho guy, David, stands up, looks at him, the rest of the team, and says,

  • "You guys are pussies." Everyone else there gets quiet because they've taken this kind

  • of abuse before. But my friend is not used to this, right? He's never been treated like

  • this. So he looks right back at the boss and says, "David, where I come from, calling another

  • man a pussy is the worst thing you could do. You would immediately start a fistfight. Don't

  • ever call me a pussy again," then he gets quiet. And everyone in the room gets quiet.

  • And David gets quiet.

  • A few seconds passed and I'm sure it might have seemed like eternity, and David says,

  • "I'm sorry. I won't ever do that again." Completely goes back, the meeting starts rolling, and

  • people pick up the slack, but what happened is, after that, my friend never ever received

  • that kind of abuse that people in the office continue to get from him. That guy never gave

  • him any crap. Again, it's because he set a boundary, and even though he was low man on

  • the totem pole, he created respect. This is what happens, when people cross lines, I'm

  • not saying that you need to shout their faces off, neither am I saying that you need to

  • do what most people do and just go, "No, it's okay." I've seen people do this in so many

  • situations, right? Somebody makes a racist or a sexist comment that they don't like,

  • in a business meeting somebody shows up pretty late, doesn't respect your time, or I know

  • a girl in a business meeting, she was basically being hit on by the guy and didn't know what

  • to do, so she just kind of laughed it off, pretended that it was just a joke.

  • In these scenarios, what you need to do in so many words, to say, one, "Hey, I don't

  • appreciate what you just did," and, two, "Don't ever do it again," and then quiet. That is

  • it. I'm not asking you to yell at someone. I'm not asking you to take it home. I'm not

  • asking you to complain about it with your friends. If you do this, you will find that

  • the boundaries you set create more respect in all of your interactions--incredibly powerful.

  • The second thing is kind of a light version of the boundary setting and it's this. A lot

  • of people hate to disagree with anyone at first impression and it's because we know

  • that people like people that are like them. They want people that went to the same school

  • as they did, like the same sports teams, that have the same interests. So when somebody says

  • something that, maybe, we don't share, we tend to gloss right over that and look for the commonalities,

  • but the truth is, when you bring up things that are not commonalities, in fact, that

  • you might be polar opposites on in the first impression, you create a ton of trust.

  • Another example because I love this, first time that I went to Brazil, I was in Rio de

  • Janeiro and I went to the Copacabana Palace, a really nice place. I don't know if they

  • still have parties there, but if they do, check it out. And I walked in, hang around for

  • a while, and I saw a girl that I really thought was very pretty. So I walked up, started talking

  • to her, and I began to speak in Portuguese after a few sentences in English. And she

  • said, "Oh, my god, wow, your Portuguese is awesome, like you must be so intelligent that

  • people on this city are just not; they're not worldly at all." And that was, one, a

  • really nice compliment, but, two, it kind of struck me as, "I don't know about this,"

  • because I was in Rio and I found that people are extremely friendly, outgoing, exuberant,

  • fun, and her sort of emphasis on these people are dumb, was a bit of a turn off to me, so

  • I said, "Listen, first of all, thank you very much for the compliment. My Portuguese is

  • only good, not because I'm some sort of savant, but because I used to study Spanish. But I

  • got to say, for me, the most important thing about any individual is not that they've traveled

  • to a bunch of countries, or they're worldly, or they have a super high IQ, it's that they

  • make the people around them feel good, and that they're fun." And she said, "Yeah, yeah,

  • yeah, but you know, fun is shallow. I will prefer a guy that was intelligent and worldly

  • any day." And she kind of looked at me going, "Are you that guy?" And I was tempted to,

  • I want to go, "Oh, you're right, you said I was this guy, you like this guy, perfect,

  • we're gonna hit it off." But I had to continue saying, "So, I mean, listen, I would take

  • both, right? I want fun and intelligent, but when it comes down to it, the people that

  • I connect with the best are the people that spread good vibes, the people that are happy

  • and fun, and, honestly, if they're not the sharpest, if they haven't traveled the world,

  • and they don't speak six languages, they just live in their city and they have kind of an

  • insular view, I don't really mind that. I just care that they're a good person." And

  • we agreed to disagree, right? Right in that moment, she said, "Well, that's not how I

  • am." And we continued to talk. But what happened is that a tremendous amount of trust was built

  • between her and I, because I was willing to disagree with her and she was willing to disagree

  • with me.

  • And what wound up happening is we did connect. I spent the rest of the week that I was there

  • in Rio with her. She let me stay at her place when I got kicked out of my hostel and left

  • me alone in her house while she went to work. And I do believe that a huge, huge, huge component

  • of that trust that was built was because so early on, I was willing to say, "Listen, we

  • might not be a match. We might not work out, and if we're not a match, that's totally fine,

  • but I'm going to be transparent about it."

  • When you let people know about the ways that you disagree with them, not shoving it down

  • their throat, but just saying, "Hey, that's not how I am. We can totally agree to disagree.

  • I'm not trying to convince you, but you should know that's not my feelings. People trust

  • you so much more. So that's the second piece to making a really good first impression and

  • sometimes, the things that you don't have in common can be just as important as the

  • things that you do have in common.

  • The third piece is this, fake it till you make it is often misinterpreted, and it's

  • a great piece of advice. Don't get me wrong. But fake it 'til you make it applies only

  • to body language and non-verbal communication. When you start using fake it 'til you make

  • it in the things that you say, that's when you run into trouble. So, for instance, the

  • CEO who had a terrible quarter, speaking in front of his company gets up there and says,

  • "Hey guys, we're doing great, you know, not exactly what we want, but this is really on

  • track and our numbers are kind of off in the projections, so we're killing it right now,"

  • or like the guy in that networking event who goes out and pretends that he has a kind of

  • status at his company that he can help people up because you know what, man? Just send me

  • your resume, I'll get you a job, no problem. And he's got no such power.

  • This happens all the time. People fake power that they don't have. Or

  • a guy who wants to impress a girl, takes her to a nice restaurant, really great, but rather

  • than acting like, you know, this is a special occasion, pretends that this is something

  • he does all the time. That kind of stuff does not fly. So here's what you want to do. Fake

  • it till you make it in the way that you speak, in the way that you carry yourself, your tonality,

  • the way that you gesticulate, the way that you breath, that's gonna affect your head,

  • which is going to actually change the way that you feel, right?

  • Your physiology does change your emotion and we've talked about this at length. I don't

  • want to go into it here, but when it comes to the things that are coming out of your

  • mouth, be honest to a fault.

  • So, for instance, that CEO might get up there and say, "Guys, listen, this quarter was a

  • disappointment. We did not hit our numbers. We did not do the things that we needed to

  • do. I've spoken to many of you. I've reflected on what needs to happen and here's how we're

  • going to do it going forward."

  • The confidence that he speaks with is what's going to inspire people to hang on, to continue,

  • and the honesty is going to make them trust him that "Holy cow, we can do this. He's not

  • just going to sugarcoat everything." Take the guy who takes a woman to a nice restaurant,

  • right? Rather than going in like, Oh, yeah, pretending he knows the maitre d' or that

  • this happens all the time, or talking about his investment portfolio. Whatever it is,

  • he might go in there and say, "Listen, I got to be honest, this place is way nicer than

  • the restaurants I'd only go to, so I hope that you're impressed by the food and that

  • makes you laugh extra hard at my jokes," right?

  • Play it off fun, funny, but you can let people know, this is special, this is nice. That

  • honesty is going to let her know, which is a huge concern for women, by the way, that

  • the man that they're dating are not being real, are not being honest. When you show

  • things that might not be to your favor, and you're not doing it in a calculated way, but

  • you're doing it because it's honest, that's going to create a bond of trust between you

  • that is actually going to make the relationship go much, much better.

  • The thing that ties all three of these together is this. The charismatic person, the person

  • that is comfortable with themselves is comfortable with the truth, and they can sit with it,

  • and they recognize it's gonna make me connect really well with some people, and some people

  • are not gonna connect well, but I will not be disrespected, I'm not afraid to share my

  • opinion, and I'm not going to pretend that something is the case when it's not. So that

  • is the thread that ties them all together and I hope you see it in our other videos

  • because it's a big one.

  • There are other things that can sabotage first impressions. In fact, one of them is the order

  • that you create these 4 emotions in. There are 4 emotions that create an amazing first

  • impression. Get the order right, it's amazing. Get the order wrong, it's sometimes not so

  • great. So, if you're curious what that is, hit the link here. It's going to take you

  • to another video that shows you what those 4 emotions are, and more importantly, shows

  • you the order that you need to hit them in because that's the thing, a lot of people

  • create them, but they don't do it in the right order.

  • So if you want to see that, click the link, drop your email. It's gonna take you to that

  • video right away. If you guys did like this video, please subscribe to the channel. We're

  • making more of these videos at least one a week. It's gonna show up on your homepage

  • when we do it. You'll see my face or you'll see a charisma breakdown. Sometimes we do

  • people that are fictional characters like Tyrion Lannister, anyone from Game of Thrones.

  • We did Muhammad Ali, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger coming up, but we take these very charismatic

  • people and break down exactly what they're doing so that we can learn from them. So those

  • are some of my favorites. They take a long time, but should have one of those coming

  • very soon.