I'm Craig.

From Craigslist?

Perhaps you've used my website to buy a used bicycle or look

for a job as a sex worker.

Today we use my list to help David find a

new place to live.

And I think we found the perfect sublet right here.

[DOOR BUZZER]

-Hello.

-Wha--

I, uh I'm speechless.

And confused.

I thought I was answering an ad for the sublet, but I must

have accidentally stumbled onto the Playboy mansion.

-(LAUGHING) You are so sweet.

I'm Tamara.

And if you're the David Wain who answered my posting, you

have the right address.

-Can you turn around?

-What for?

-I wanna see if there's a bunny tail back there.

-Oh my god, you are too funny.

Why don't you come inside and, you know, and we can get to

know each other better.

-Wait, hold on.

Come inside?

Hah?

-Whoa.

[GIGGLES]

[CHORTLES]

-What a naughty yet razor-sharp wit.

-It's like, ppssshht.

-Well, get in here already, or else I'll have to spank that

cute hairy bottom.

You know what?

I'll do it anyway.

-Yeahh.

-Ooh!

You like that?

-Yeah.

-Unh.

Yeah.

-You now what?

I don't even need to see the place.

I'll take it.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-That's so great.

OK, let's celebrate with a glass of bubbly while you sign

the lease.

-OK.

-Let's do this, David Wain.

-Yeah.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

-You know, champagne usually knots up my colon, but let's

just throw caution to the wind.

-Oh, wow, David.

You are such an adventurer.

-You're right, Tamara.

I am an adventurer.

And a soul warrior.

Uh.

You know.

If we could just, um, let me go to the car and get some

Metamucil, it'll help relax my sphincter.

OK?

-All right, well, hurry up, you know--

-Just wait one second.

TAMARA (OFFSCREEN): Get busy doing the [INAUDIBLE].

-I'll be right back.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It is so awesome to have a

super-fox as a landlord.

How about a shot of Drambuie?

-Oh, yeah, baby.

-Wait a goddamn second.

What about me and my glass of bubbly?

-Klervis here just offered more money for the room.

-More money?

You didn't even tell me a price.

I just said I would take it.

-This is business, baby.

Don't take it personal or nothing.

-What about the bunny tail?

What about the way you touched my ass?

TAMARA (OFFSCREEN): Those were selling techniques that I

learned from The Donald at the Learning Annex.

Oh, by the way?

You're fired!

-(LAUGHING) You're fired.

TAMARA (OFFSCREEN): You're fired.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Sorry, guy.

No hard feelings.

-Listen, guy.

Don't you realize she's just scamming you?

The minute the ink is dry on the lease, she's going to drop

you faster than Rita Moreno's tits.

-You know, Rita Moreno won all the major awards.

-I'm sure she won, probably, a Grammy, but I don't know that

she won an Emmy.

OK, Oscar, Tony.

But did she win a Cable Ace?

-David, enough with Rita Moreno.

God!

Just go, OK?

Just-- just get out of here, please.

-You know what?

You can't fire me, 'cause I quit.

-[SIGH]

Don't embarrass yourself more than you already have.

-You're so beautiful.

TELECASTRESS: Welcome to News 7.

I'm your host, Colleen Kurtz.

Often times, we in the media are accused of only focusing

on bad news--

-Things are so bad I have all of these.

TELECASTRESS: You already have lupus?

Tonight that's going to change as we focus on Tamara and

Klervis, a very special couple who embarked on a whirlwind

romance through Craiglist.

-That two-timing hussy.

-The moment I met Klervis, I just knew that all the

potential renters that I had met that day were

failures and losers.

I mean, they were like Woody Allen without the wit and the

success.

-Success or something.

Yeah.

Like, why do people go to such great lengths to be

purposely not funny?

I mean, they throw out these stupid, silly non sequiturs.

-Talk about bling.

-I feel like I escaped a death sentence.

TELECASTRESS: Well, we've got some great news for you.

We are sending you on a month-long all expense paid

honeymoon to American Samoa, starting right now.

-What?

-Are you--?

-Hey, that means the apartment's going to be empty

for a month.

BOTH: We're going to American Samoa.

-Where-- where is that?

I don't even know.

-I don't know.

-Hey,do you want some Drambuie?

-I can't.

There's someone in Portland, Oregon looking for a hand job,

and I've got to help him.

-Why go all the way to Portland?

I mean, there's someone right here who could use one.