TO CLEAR THE AIR HERE.

I'M SURE YOU CAN FEEL THAT I'M UPSET.

AND HERE'S WHY: I BELIEVE, THAT IF THERE IS ONE UNIVERSAL TRUTH

IN OUR CHAOTIC, RANDOM UNIVERSE, IT IS THIS: BREAKFAST IS THE

MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IF WE DON'T KNOW THAT, WHAT DO

WE KNOW?

SO I TAKE MINE VERY SERIOUSLY.

I FREQUENTLY START MY MORNING WITH THE AMERICAN CLASSIC KNOWN

AS THE B.L.T. -- B-BACON, L-LETTUCE, T-TOMATO.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED -- AND THIS IS TRUE -- I ORDERED A

B.L.T. FOR BREAKFAST FROM A LOCAL DELI, AND I ASKED FOR IT

THE SAME WAY I ALWAYS DO, WITH EXTRA TOMATO.

I FIND TOMATO REALLY COMPLEMENTS THE TASTE OF THE BACON AND THE

NON-TASTE OF THE LETTUCE.

PLUS, TOMATO IS LOADED WITH POTASSIUM, WHICH IS ESSENTIAL

FOR... MY POTASSIUM STUFF.

BUT THIS MORNING'S B.L.T. SHOOK ME TO MY CORE, OR WHAT WOULD BE

MY CORE IF I DID NOT HAVE B.L.T.S FOR BREAKFAST.

I PROMISE YOU, THIS IS TRUE.

JIMMY, CAN WE PUT UP A PICTURE OF THE ME WITH THE ACTUAL B.L.T.

IN QUESTION?

ALL RIGHT, JIMMY, ENHANCE!

THERE IT IS!

I SEE THE B.

I SEE THE L.

BUT WHERE THE HELL IS THE "T?" WHERE IS MY TOMATO?!

THERE ISN'T ANY!

AND A B.L.T. WITHOUT THE "T" IS JUST B.L., IT'S "BLEH!"

(LAUGHTER) AND IF THIS ABOMINATION MEETS

THE STANDARD FOR A B.L.T., THEN WHAT DID WE FIGHT AT LEXINGTON

AND CONCORD FOR?

JUST RIP THE CONSTITUTION OFF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND ERASE

THE MAP ON THE BACK, BECAUSE THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT HAS FAILED!

NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS OVERREACTING!

(LAUGHTER) I JUST WANT TOMATO ON MY

SANDWICH.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULD BE THE BIGGER MAN HERE.

DESPITE THE TRAUMA I HAVE EXPERIENCED WITH MY SANDWICH,

I'M GOING TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

BUT TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY ONE ACCUSING CRUZ OF BLEEDING RED,

WHITE, AND MAPLE SYRUP.

TODAY, JOHN MCCAIN -- OKAY, I WAS WRONG.

I'M NOT OVER THIS SANDWICH.

(LAUGHTER) JUST BEAR WITH ME.

HOW HARD IS IT?

BACON, LETTUCE, TOMATO.

THE RECIPE IS RIGHT IN THE NAME.

AND YET, LET ME REMIND YOU WHAT MY SANDWICH LOOKED LIKE?

(LAUGHTER) I WAS SO MAD, I HAD IT BLOWN

UP -- YOU KNOW, IN CASE I NEEDED IT FOR THE TRIAL AT THE HAGUE.

(LAUGHTER) HERE'S WHY I CAN'T LET THIS

GO -- THE LACK OF TOMATO ISN'T JUST AN INSULT TO CENTURIES OF

B.L.T. CRAFTSMEN WHO DIED TOASTING BREAD AT GETTYSBURG,

IT'S AN INSULT TO ME PERSONALLY.

WELL, ARE WE GOING TO TAKE THIS?

>> AUDIENCE: NO!

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T THINK SO!

WELL, THIS ENDS NOW!

SOMEONE HAS TO STANDUP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT.

LET'S DO THIS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET'S GO.

COME ON!

LET'S GO.

COME ON.

LET'S DO IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> HOW ARE YOU?

>> Stephen: GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?

(RINGING) I'M SORRY.

I WASN'T HONEST.

I'M ANGRY.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

>> HELLO?

I'M DOING FINE.

HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH WOULD YOU LIKE?

HOPE YOU DON'T WANT A B.L.T., WE'RE IN A BIT OF A CRISIS NOW.

THANK YOU.

SORRY.

>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

IS THIS YOUR HANDWRITING?

>> YES, THAT IS.

>> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

>> B.L.T., LITTLE MAYO.

>> Stephen: MM-HMM, B., L. -- WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE?

>> T.

>> Stephen: T.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU A PHOTOGRAPH.

CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE INITIALS ASSOCIATED WITH THE INGREDIENTS

IN THE STAND WITCH.

>> THAT'S THE BACON.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

THAT'S THE LETTUCE.

>> Stephen: YEAH WHERE'S THE TOMATO?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Stephen: I PAID EQUAL AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR THE

INGREDIENTS.

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I'M ANGRY.

>> WELL, STEPHEN, I'M SORRY.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, NO TOMATO ON THE SANDWICH.

LET'S GOAT ONE OTHER THING WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

IT SAYS LITTLE MAYO RIGHT HERE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: WHY DID YOU WRITE THAT DOWN?

>> BECAUSE I WAS INSTRUCTED TO.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

WOULD YOU COME HERE, PLEASE?

THIS IS MY ASSISTANCE JESSICA.

RUPERT, THIS IS JESSICA.

IT'S OKAY.

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS.

JESSICA, DID YOU TELL HIM LITTLE MAYO?

>> I DID.

>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU CAN GO.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DEAL WITH HER.

BUT LEGALLY, I CAN'T DOCK YOUR PAY BECAUSE I THINK YOU WORK FOR

THE CITY, RIGHT?

THIS IS THE STREETS AND SANITATION.

OKAY?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE WHILE I'VE

GOT YOU SNEENCHTS YES.

>> Stephen: THE COLBERT SANDWICH, CHICKEN CUTLET,

CHEESE, L.T., WHAT IS L.T.?

>> LETTUCE TOMATO.

>> Stephen: THAT IS MEANINGLESS AS WE KNOW AT THIS

POINT.

THREE PEPPERS, MAYO ON A HERE O.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE INGREDIENTS REMINDED YOU OF ME?

>> WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS THE FORMER PAUL SHAFFER.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT REMINDS YOU OF PAUL

SHAFFER?

>> NOTHING.

>> Stephen: IT'S RANDOM, ANY THREE INGREDIENTS AND THROW IT

ON A BUN.

CHICKEN CUTLET, HALF A TRUCK TIRE AND GRAVEL.

>> WELL -- >> Stephen: IT MEANS NOTHING

ANYMORE.

JUST TEAR IT UP AND LIVE IN A CAVE.

I REALIZE I'M NOT DAVE, BUT I'M NOT AN ANIMAL.

AIM HUMAN BEING.

>> DID I MAKE YOU MAD?

I FEEL BAD.

>> Stephen: THIS IS MY SANDWICH, HOW DO YOU THINK I

FEEL?

I HAVE TO DO A SHOW RIGHT NOW AND, FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW WHY

ANYMORE.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE ME FORGIVE

YOU AT THIS POINT.

>> FREE CHIPS?

>> Stephen: OKAY, I FORGIVE YOU.

LET'S GO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪