POSSIBLY TALK ABOUT THEM ALL.

LUCKILY, I DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE ANY MORE BECAUSE I'M

RELINQUISHING EDITORIAL CONTROL IN MY NEW SEGMENT:

( AUDIENCE ) WHEEL!

OF!

NEWS!

♪ ♪

♪ >> STEPHEN: HERE'S HOW THIS

WORKS.

WE'VE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING WHEEL ON THE CEILING OF THE ED

SULLIVAN THEATER WITH CATEGORIES --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) -- WITH CATEGORIES

LIKE "ENTERTAINMENT," "POLITICS, "SPORTS," AND "GUACAMOLE."

(LAUGHTER) THOUGH IF IT LANDS ON GUACAMOLE,

THAT IS FIFTY CENTS EXTRA.

WHEN I PULL THIS LEVER, THE WHEEL SPINS, THEN I TALK ABOUT

WHATEVER CATEGORY IT LANDS ON.

HERE'S THE THING.

I DIDN'T GIVE THE GUYS ENOUGH TIME TO FINISH THE DOME.

TOTALLY MY FAULT.

SO HERE IS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

SO THIS GUY HOLDING THE POLE RIGHT HERE --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THIS IS BRENDAN HURLEY.

SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY!

(CHEERING) BRENDAN IS ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK,

ITHE BERNIE SANDERS THING THE OTHER NIGHT, HE WAS UNDER THE

DESK FEEDING ME SANDWICHES ON PLATES.

BRENDAN IS ALSO A SCENIC ON THE SHOW, AND SINCE WE CAN'T GET THE

DOME TO WORK RIGHT TONIGHT, HE'S GOING TO HELP ME WITH THE MODEL

WE BASED THE DOME ON, THIS SPINNING WHEEL.

WE'RE GOING TO USE THE MODEL IT WAS BASED ON TO DO THIS TONIGHT

I'M GOING TO SPIN THE WHEEL AND WHEN IT STOPS, I'LL DO THE

THING.

YOU GUYS READY TO PLAY?

(CHEERING) SHOW BUSINESS!

(LAUGHTER) YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CLICKY

SOUND.

>> OKAY.

TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK...

TICK...

TICK.

>> Stephen: KEEP TICKING.

TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK...

TICK LIS...

TICK...

>> Stephen: OKAY.

IT LANDED ON "CHEESE NEWS."

>> DING, DING, DING, DING!

>> Stephen: THE LATEST HARD OR EVEN SEMISOFT NEWS ABOUT

KURDLEED DAIRY.

THIS WEEK, A SHOCKING DISCOVERY FROM THE PARMESAN WARS, BECAUSE

THE U.S.D.A. REVEALED THAT SOME CHEESE SUPPLIERS OF GRATED

PARMESAN CHEESE HAVE BEEN ADDING WOOD PULP.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) IS THATHAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

YOUR PARMESAN IS SPORTING WOOD.

NOW THEY EXPLAIN THIS WOOD PULP IS JUST CELLULOSE WHICH IS USED

AS AN ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT.

AND SURE, "A LITTLE ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT NEVER HURT

ANYONE."

BUT SOMETIMES IT IS A LOT OF IT.

A SAMPLE OF PARMESAN FROM ONE GROCERY CHAIN WAS 8.8% WOOD

PULP.

BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOUR LASAGNA IS AS STURDY AS AN IKEA

BOOKSHELF.

NOW PERSONALLY, I AM OUTRAGED BY THIS BREACH OF TRUST.

I DON'T CHECK ON WHAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS

ASSUMED SOMEONE DOES.

NOW!

MORE NEWS!

MORE NEWS!

OKAY.

HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

YOU SPIN IT.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT PULLS THE LEVER?

GIVE ME YOUR OTHER HAND.

READY IN OKAY!

>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK!

>> Stephen: OH, OH, OH!

OH, LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT BE MINI CLUBMAN INTEGRATION.

O, IT LANDS ON "MENTAL HEALTH." >> DING, DING, DING, DING!

(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: OKAY.

GREAT, THIS IS A TOPIC THAT IS NOT COVERED ENOUGH IN THE MEDIA,

AND IT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SHINE A LIGHT ON IT.

A BEAUTIFUL LIGHT LIKE...

THE INTERIOR AMBIENT LIGHTING MOLDED INTO THE 2016 MINI

CLUBMAN DOORS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THAT'S IT FOR "MENTAL

HEALTH."

LET'S SPIN AGAIN!

>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> TICK...

TICK...

TICK...

>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY,

PEOPLE WHO ARE SIGNIFICANTLY OVERWEIGHT MAY PERCEIVE

DISTANCES AS BEING GREATER THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE.

WHICH EXPLAINS THE OLD JOKE "YO MAMMA IS SO FAT, HER DEPTH

PERCEPTION IS WILDLY INACCURATE."

(LAUGHTER) LET'S SPIN AGAIN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> TICK, TICK, TICK...

>> Stephen: CLICK WITHOUT CONTEXT!

JIM!

(BARKING) LET'S SPIN AGAIN!

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR BEING WITH ME AT THIS MOMENT.

WHICH ONE IS THIS ONE?

"SWITCHBLADE LAWS!" LIKE MOST KNIFE NEWS, THIS ONE

COMES FROM WISCONSIN.

>> GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER PUT PEN TO PAPER TODAY TO SIGN NEW

LEGISLATION LIFTING THE BAN ON CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES.

THE GOVERNOR SAYS IT'S A MEASURE PROTECTING FREEDOM SUPPORTED BY

THE CONSTITUTION.

THE BAN ON SWITCHBLADES HAD BEEN IN EFFECT SINCE THE 1950S.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.

SCOTT WALKER HAS LIFTED WISCONSIN'S 60-YEAR-OLD BAN ON

CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES.

I APPLAUD THE GOVERNOR; SWITCHBLADES ARE THE IMPORTANT

ISSUE OF 2016.

BECAUSE LET'S SAY YOU ARE JUST CRUISING DOWN TO THE MALT SHOP

WITH YOUR BEST GAL, ONLY TO RUN INTO SOME TOUGHS WHO WANT TO

RACE YOU FOR THE PINKS TO YOUR T-BIRD.

YOU HAVE GOT A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TAKE OUT YOUR BLADE AND

SLICE THAT LETTER RIGHT OFF HIS VARSITY JACKET.

REMEMBER, RUMBLES CAN HAPPEN ANYTIME, ANYWHERE -- SOCK HOPS,

FIVE-AND-DIMES, THE OLD AQUEDUCT, JIMMY'S GARAGE WHERE

THEY LET YOU SMOKE AFTER SCHOOL.

WITHOUT YOUR BLADE, YOU COULD END UP DEADSVILLE, DADDY-O.

KEEP IN MIND, IF YOU ARE NEW TO IT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO TOSS IT

FROM HAND TO HAND.

THAT WAY THEY NEVER KNOW WHICH HAND YOU ARE COMING AT THEM

WITH.

GIMME NEWS...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> TICK, TICK, TICK.

TICK, TICK, TICK.

>> Stephen: I WANT TO WARN OUR AFFILIATES, WE MIGHT BE GOING

LONG.

>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.

>> Stephen: NATIONAL MONUMENTS!

>> NATIONAL MONUMENTS?

TICK, TICK, DING!

(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: THE NATIONAL PARK

SERVICE SAYS A PHILANTHROPIST IS DONATING $18.5

MILLION TO HELP RESTORE THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL.

HOPEFULLY, THAT IS ENOUGH TO MAKE LINCOLN STAND UP AND

TALK -- LIKE HE DOES AT DISNEY WORLD.

PERSONALLY, I THINK THE MONEY WOULD BE BETTER SPENT ON THE

WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

THAT THING LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIM.

THERE YOU GO.

(APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LET'S PRETEND I SPUN IT!

>> TICK, TICK, TICK!

>> Stephen: FIVE SECOND SAXOPHONE SOLO, HIT IT, EDDY!

♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: MORE NEWS!

"A RECENT STUDY!" AGAIN.

A RECENT STUDY SAYS HUMANS AND NEANDERTHALS INTERBRED 50,000

YEARS EARLIER THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, PROVING SOMETHING ELSE

IS 50,000 YEARS OLDER THAN WE THOUGHT: BEER GOGGLES.

(LAUGHTER) WANT TO TRY?

WE'RE GOING FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK...

TICK...

TICK...

TICK...

TICK...

TICK...

TICK...

TICK...

TICK, TICK...

>> Stephen: I'VE GONE AROUND ALL THE WAY ONCE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S ON HERE!

>> DING!

>> Stephen: THERE IT IS!

ENTERTAINMENT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE OSCAR PRODUCERS ARE NOW

PROMISING THAT THIS TELECAST WILL BE "THE MOST DIVERSE EVER."

THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE OF EVERY RACE, COLOR, AND CREED WILL BE

ON HAND TO GIVE A TROPHY TO WHATEVER WHITE PERSON WINS.

(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S IT,

FOLKS!

LET'S GIVE IT ONE MORE SPIN!

IT BETTER BE ON HERE!

I DON'T KNOW!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THERE IT IS!

READY?

OH!

COMMERCIAL BREAK!

PERFECT!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TEÉA LEONI!