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  • WITH US TONIGHT, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • VERY FUNNY.

  • IF I WOULD JUST TAKE A SECOND

  • HERE, I WANT TO SHOW YOU

  • SOMETHING.

  • I DON'T THINK YOU'VE SEEN

  • THIS.

  • MAYBE YOU HAVE.

  • I WANT TO GIVE YOU THE KIND OF

  • HANDICAP I'M WORKING WITH HERE

  • TONIGHT.

  • I'M JUST GOING TO SHOW IT TO

  • YOU NOW.

  • IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE OR HAVE A

  • HYPER SENSITIVITY THEN YOU

  • SHOULD LEAVE THE ROOM

  • IMMEDIATELY.

  • LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVEN'T?

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • BRING THAT RIGHT IN HERE.

  • CAN YOU BRING IT RIGHT IN

  • HERE.

  • BRING IT RIGHT IN HERE.

  • >> Paul: WHAT HAVE WE GOT

  • HERE?

  • OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • WHAT IS THAT?

  • THAT IS A GASH WITH STITCHES

  • IN IT?

  • HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

  • >> Dave: I DON'T WANT TO BORE

  • YOU WITH THE ENTIRE STORY BUT

  • IT STARTED BY ME SAYING AS IT

  • ALWAYS DOES, "OH, I CAN FIX

  • THAT."

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • FOUR STITCHES.

  • IT IS DEEP.

  • LOOK AT HOW DEEP THAT THING

  • WAS.

  • IT WAS JUST WIDE OPEN.

  • IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THROUGH

  • THE MEAT CASE AT THE....

  • >> Paul: AT GALLAGHER'S.

  • >> Dave: YEAH, AT GALLAGHER'S.

  • LOOK, I WANT YOU TO NOTICE

  • THERE'S NO INFECTION.

  • IT'S NOT RED.

  • IT'S NOT THROBBING.

  • IT'S A NICE, CLEAN JOB.

  • EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE

  • FINE.

  • >> Paul: IT'S A DOUBLE GASH

  • THERE.

  • A DOUBLE GASH.

  • WERE YOU WORKING WITH A TRACK

  • 2 RAZOR?

  • >> Dave: I HAD A THING.

  • IT WAS LIKE A PARING KNIFE.

  • THIS IS WHY I KNOW CERTAIN

  • ELEMENTS OF MY FAMILY ARE

  • TRYING TO KILL ME.

  • BECAUSE THE KNIVES OR AS WE

  • SAY AT THE HOUSE THE CUTLERY

  • HAD BEEN SHARPENED.

  • THEY TAKE IT OUT SOME PLACE.

  • THEY GET IT SUPER SHARPENED.

  • THEN IT WAS RETURNED TO THE

  • HOUSE.

  • NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL DADDY.

  • "DON'T TELL DADDY."

  • SO I WAS MONKEYING WITH THE

  • THING.

  • I THOUGHT I COULD FIX IT.

  • THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, ZOOM,.

  • >> Paul: RIGHT IN THERE.

  • >> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?

  • WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW ON

  • TELEVISION RIGHT NOW HAS A

  • STITCH WOUND THAT'S DOING A

  • SHOW?

  • ANYBODY?

  • NOBODY!

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOBODY!

  • EVER CUT YOURSELF IN THE

  • RUPERT G WITH SOME OF THE HIGH-

  • POWERED MEAT SAWS YOU USE.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Dave: WOW.

  • THAT MUST BE A STORY THERE.

  • KIND OF TELLS IT SELF, DOESN'T

  • IT?

  • RUPERT, TELL PEOPLE WHY YOU

  • HAVE THAT BEAUTIFUL FESTIVE

  • HOLIDAY SWEATER ON TONIGHT.

  • >> WHY?

  • WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING

  • UNDERNEATH THE SWEATER.

  • THE CONTESTANT WHO I'M GOING

  • TO PICK LATER IS SUPPOSED TO

  • TOUCH IT RIGHT HERE.

  • >> Dave: YOU'VE BEEN IN

  • TROUBLE FOR THAT BEFORE,

  • HAVEN'T YOU, RUPERT?

  • WOULD YOU LIKE TO STEP IN AND

  • TOUCH THE BULGE.

  • IN ESSENCE THEY'LL JUST GROPE

  • YOU.

  • THEY'LL GET 30 SECONDS TO

  • GROPE YOU TO TRY AND DETERMINE

  • WHAT ITEM IS UNDER THE HOLIDAY

  • SWEATER.

  • IS THAT CORRECT?

  • >> THAT'S CORRECT, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: DO ME A FAVOR.

  • BOY, I COULD GO FOR A KITKAT.

  • HE'S DOING SOME SCHTICK.

  • I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW MANY

  • OF YOU FOLKS HAVE SEEN THE GAY

  • COW BOY MOVIE?

  • (NO APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: DON'T ASK, DON'T

  • TELL.

  • THAT'S WHAT THAT IS ABOUT.

  • >> Dave: IT'S A TREMENDOUS

  • MOVIE.

  • IT'S THIS ANG LEE, GRITTY AND

  • BEAUTIFULLY DONE AND A TENDER

  • LOVE STORY.

  • HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

  • THE COWBOYS GET UP BRIGHT AND

  • EARLY.

  • THEY DO ALL THEIR RANCH WORK

  • AND SADDLE UP AND THEY GO OUT

  • AND RUSTLE UP THE CATTLE AND

  • BRAND THEM AND ROPE THEM.

  • THEY CHASE DOWN THE LITTLE

  • DOGGIES.

  • AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY

  • COME BACK TO THE BUNK HOUSE

  • AND SIT ON THEIR BUNKS AND

  • THEY KISS.

  • THAT'S THE MOVIE.

  • >> Paul: I'M NOT SURE... GO

  • AHEAD.

  • >> Dave: THAT IS THE MOVIE.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • IF YOU ENJOY WATCHING MEN KISS,

  • THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.

  • REALLY, IT IS.

  • PEOPLE ARE ALL EXCITED BECAUSE

  • THEY'RE SAYING, YOU KNOW, THIS

  • IS THE FIRST GAY COW BOY

  • MOVIE.

  • NOT SO.

  • >> Paul: REALLY?

  • >> Dave: NOT SO.

  • THIS IS NOT THE FIRST GAY COW

  • BOY MOVIE.

  • TAKE A LOOK.

  • >>.

  • >> OVER HERE.

  • WE GOT A LOT OF CATTLE HERE ON

  • THE PONDEROSA.

  • WE'D BE IN TROUBLE.

  • >> I KNOW THAT.

  • >> THE NEXT TIME YOU JUST GO

  • AROUND.

  • YOU HEAR?

  • >> Dave: BONANZA.

  • I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

  • BONANZA.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • LITTLE JOE AND HOSS.

  • OKAY.

  • THAT'S FINE.

  • ALL RIGHT, PAUL.

  • THAT'S FINE.

  • AND NOW... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

  • OKAY.

  • >> Paul: SO CHEAP.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU.

  • WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO MESS

  • AROUND.

  • WE GO RIGHT TO WORK.

  • LET'S GO BACK INTO RUPERT'S TO

  • PLAY WHAT'S UNDER THE HOLIDAY

  • SWEATER.

  • COME ON TELL OUR

  • HOME VIEWERS WHAT THE SECRET

  • ITEM IS TONIGHT.

  • >> DAVE, IT'S A SUBWAY TOASTED

  • CHICKEN PARMESAN SUB.

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • RUPERT, CAN YOU COME OUT FROM

  • BEHIND THE THING THERE SO SHE

  • CAN GET A GOOD GRIP ON YOU.

  • ALAN, WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR.

  • >> DAVE IT'S A WATER PICK

  • SHOWER HEAD.

  • >> Dave: TRACY, YOU HAVE 30

  • SECONDS.

  • WE'RE GOING TO PUT UP THE

  • CLOCK TO IDENTIFY BY GROPING

  • RUPERT, TELL US WHAT IS UNDER

  • THE FESTIVE HOLIDAY SWEATER.

  • ARE YOU READY?

  • >> I GUESS SO.

  • >> Dave: START THE CLOCK AND

  • GO CRAZY.

  • HERE WE ARE.

  • >> I JUST START FEELING?

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR INTERNIST,

  • RUPERT.

  • >> IT'S SQUISHY.

  • >> Dave: YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS

  • LEFT.

  • >> OUCH!

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • FIVE SECONDS, TRACY.

  • >> MEAT.

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT.

  • THERE IS THE TIME.

  • I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL FOR

  • YOUR ANSWER.

  • WHAT IS UNDERSTAND RUPERT'S

  • FESTIVE HOLIDAY SWEATER.

  • >> SOME TYPE OF MEAT.

  • >> Dave: LET ME TALK TO THE

  • JUDGES.

  • I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO HER

  • BECAUSE IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.

  • CONGRATULATIONS, TRACY.

  • YOU ARE THE WINNER.

  • RUPERT, SHOW HER WHAT THE

  • SECRET ITEM IS AND WAS.

  • IT'S A SUBMARINE SANDWICH FROM

  • SUBWAY.

  • CHICKEN PARMESAN SUB.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A GAY COW

  • BOY.

  • >> Dave: YOU LIKE GREAT.

  • BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE

  • SEEN YOU.

  • HAS IT BEEN.

  • >> IT WASN'T INTENTIONAL ON MY

  • PART.

  • >> Dave: YOU'VE BEEN VERY

  • BUSY.

  • >> NOR ON YOURS.

  • >> Dave: WE'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU

  • HERE EVERY NIGHT.

  • YOU LOOK REALLY....

  • >> SURE.

  • ONCE I PUT THE BABY TO BED I'M

  • ALL YOURS, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: GOOD NEWS FOR DAD.

  • TELL ME ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

  • IT'S BRUNETTE NOW, ISN'T IT?

  • >> YES, IT'S AT LAST MY

  • NATURAL COLOR.

  • >> Dave: BEAUTIFUL.

  • >> AS MATTHEW SAID, AS GOD

  • INTENDED.

  • >> Dave: VERY NICE.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Dave: YOU JUST DECIDED TO

  • DO THIS.

  • IS THERE A REASON FOR IT?