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When a new story falls through the cracks,
Lewis Black hatches it in a segment we call "Back in Black."
(applause and cheering)
Osama bin Laden!
We all know he was the scum of the earth
and deserves to rot in hell.
But did you also know how much he loved the written word?
The CIA releases new documents
uncovered in the raid on Osama bin Laden.
A second release now to the public...
WOMAN: ...providing some interesting insights
into the terrorist's mind.
MAN: And they shed new light
on what he was thinking, reading
and writing in his final days.
That's right.
Bin Laden was reading and thinking.
While we were spending all that money trying to find him,
he was trying to find himself.
(laughter)
When SEAL Team Six kicked in the door, he was nestled
next to the fire with a glass of wine
and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love.
(laughter)
Yes, it turns out the guy trying to blow up the world
had his own concerns about what would happen once he was gone.
You see an Osama bin Laden who was obsessed,
you might say, with his own death.
He had a last will and testament in there.
That's right. Bin Laden had a last will and testament.
The first line read, "Stop sharing!"
(laughter)
And to my loved ones, I leave you this.
He says he has $29 million
stashed in the African country of Sudan.
Let me quote from this:
Sorry, bin Laden,
you may have been a feared terrorist,
but no grandkid spends their inheritance money
how you want them to.
They'll just buy one of those flammable hoverboards
-and a bunch of bitcoin. -(laughter)
Although I do respect a man who asks his grandkids
(chuckles): to kill themselves,
I don't know you could do that in a will.
I need to call my lawyer.
Listen, schmuck, have the following people
kill themselves, starting with you!
(laughter)
But don't be surprised that Osama was tough on his family.
Last year we found out how he treated potential employees.
NEWSWOMAN: One of the more stunning documents--
a job application for those seeking to join al-Qaeda,
asking about hobbies, special skills,
and instructions to write legibly,
-(laughter) -You're telling me
you get a guy who's willing to blow himself up
but you're gonna turn him down
because you can't read his handwriting?!
That's like turning an organ donor down
because he chews with his mouth open.
NEWSWOMAN: And then this...
-(laughter) -Emergency martyr contact?!
That's the stupidest (bleep) thing I've ever heard of!
BLACK: Does every job involve bureaucratic nonsense?
The one perk of being a suicide bomber
should be no paperwork!
You just say, "Yes, I'm all in!"
(laughter)
But there's a lot about bin Laden
in these new documents that you wouldn't expect.
Osama bin Laden was an environmentalist.
In letters discovered in his compound in Pakistan,
bin Laden worried about the dangers of
"catastrophic climate change."
President Obama had an unlikely ally
in the fight to slow climate change-- Osama bin Laden.
Who knew that President Obama had such a infamous ally?
NEWSMAN: He jumped on that bandwagon, didn't he?
-(laughs): Yes, he did. -So to speak.
Oh, of course.
Obama and bin Laden were friends.
That's why Obama hunted him down,
shot him in the face, then threw his corpse into the ocean.
You know-- friend stuff.
(laughter, applause, whooping)
Listen... listen, you numbnuts,
just because Obama and bin Laden
both wanted to stop climate change,
that doesn't make them buddies.
Guess what. I'm a (bleep) painter.
But that doesn't make me friends with Hitler.
(laughter)
You know, this whole climate change issue
makes one thing very clear--
bin Laden wasn't just any old douche bag terrorist.
He was a douche bag terrorist mastermind.
He knew if he stood up for fixing climate change,
then Americans would be anti-climate change,
and then climate change would destroy America.
It's his final plot against us!
Nice try, bin Laden.
You think we're that stupid?
So listen to me, climate change deniers,
either get on board with fixing this,