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  • When a new story falls through the cracks,

  • Lewis Black hatches it in a segment we call "Back in Black."

  • (applause and cheering)

  • Osama bin Laden!

  • We all know he was the scum of the earth

  • and deserves to rot in hell.

  • But did you also know how much he loved the written word?

  • The CIA releases new documents

  • uncovered in the raid on Osama bin Laden.

  • A second release now to the public...

  • WOMAN: ...providing some interesting insights

  • into the terrorist's mind.

  • MAN: And they shed new light

  • on what he was thinking, reading

  • and writing in his final days.

  • That's right.

  • Bin Laden was reading and thinking.

  • While we were spending all that money trying to find him,

  • he was trying to find himself.

  • (laughter)

  • When SEAL Team Six kicked in the door, he was nestled

  • next to the fire with a glass of wine

  • and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love.

  • (laughter)

  • Yes, it turns out the guy trying to blow up the world

  • had his own concerns about what would happen once he was gone.

  • You see an Osama bin Laden who was obsessed,

  • you might say, with his own death.

  • He had a last will and testament in there.

  • That's right. Bin Laden had a last will and testament.

  • The first line read, "Stop sharing!"

  • (laughter)

  • And to my loved ones, I leave you this.

  • He says he has $29 million

  • stashed in the African country of Sudan.

  • Let me quote from this:

  • Sorry, bin Laden,

  • you may have been a feared terrorist,

  • but no grandkid spends their inheritance money

  • how you want them to.

  • They'll just buy one of those flammable hoverboards

  • -and a bunch of bitcoin. -(laughter)

  • Although I do respect a man who asks his grandkids

  • (chuckles): to kill themselves,

  • I don't know you could do that in a will.

  • I need to call my lawyer.

  • Listen, schmuck, have the following people

  • kill themselves, starting with you!

  • (laughter)

  • But don't be surprised that Osama was tough on his family.

  • Last year we found out how he treated potential employees.

  • NEWSWOMAN: One of the more stunning documents--

  • a job application for those seeking to join al-Qaeda,

  • asking about hobbies, special skills,

  • and instructions to write legibly,

  • -(laughter) -You're telling me

  • you get a guy who's willing to blow himself up

  • but you're gonna turn him down

  • because you can't read his handwriting?!

  • That's like turning an organ donor down

  • because he chews with his mouth open.

  • NEWSWOMAN: And then this...

  • -(laughter) -Emergency martyr contact?!

  • That's the stupidest (bleep) thing I've ever heard of!

  • BLACK: Does every job involve bureaucratic nonsense?

  • The one perk of being a suicide bomber

  • should be no paperwork!

  • You just say, "Yes, I'm all in!"

  • (laughter)

  • But there's a lot about bin Laden

  • in these new documents that you wouldn't expect.

  • Osama bin Laden was an environmentalist.

  • In letters discovered in his compound in Pakistan,

  • bin Laden worried about the dangers of

  • "catastrophic climate change."

  • President Obama had an unlikely ally

  • in the fight to slow climate change-- Osama bin Laden.

  • Who knew that President Obama had such a infamous ally?

  • NEWSMAN: He jumped on that bandwagon, didn't he?

  • -(laughs): Yes, he did. -So to speak.

  • Oh, of course.

  • Obama and bin Laden were friends.

  • That's why Obama hunted him down,

  • shot him in the face, then threw his corpse into the ocean.

  • You know-- friend stuff.

  • (laughter, applause, whooping)

  • Listen... listen, you numbnuts,

  • just because Obama and bin Laden

  • both wanted to stop climate change,

  • that doesn't make them buddies.

  • Guess what. I'm a (bleep) painter.

  • But that doesn't make me friends with Hitler.

  • (laughter)

  • You know, this whole climate change issue

  • makes one thing very clear--

  • bin Laden wasn't just any old douche bag terrorist.

  • He was a douche bag terrorist mastermind.

  • He knew if he stood up for fixing climate change,

  • then Americans would be anti-climate change,

  • and then climate change would destroy America.

  • It's his final plot against us!

  • Nice try, bin Laden.

  • You think we're that stupid?

  • So listen to me, climate change deniers,

  • either get on board with fixing this,

When a new story falls through the cracks,

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每日秀--黑衣歸來--烏薩馬-本-拉登的最後願望。 (The Daily Show - Back in Black - Osama bin Laden's Last Wishes)

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