Here's my human.

這是我的人類。

He just looks so cute when he sleeps.

他睡覺的時候看起來就是很可愛。

Sometimes I wonder what he dreams about.

有時候我好奇他夢到什麼。

We've got a pretty good thing going.

我們的相處狀況蠻不錯的。

For example, he just bought me a stationary car window for my birthday, which was pretty cool, no pun intended.

舉例來說，我生日的時候他剛買了一台不會動的車給我，蠻酷的，沒有雙關語意。

We may not look it, but we're pretty healthy.

我們雖然不會使勁的搬重物，但我們蠻健康的。

We eat a balanced diet and we do work out.

我們飲食均衡也會健身。

I take him on smell tours of the neighborhood and he scratches that area that makes me lose control of my body.

我會帶他在街坊做「嗅覺之旅」然後他會搔那個讓我無法控制自己身體的區塊。

Hey, Gus, what do you think about that?

嘿，格斯，你覺得那個怎麼樣？

But sometimes I just worry that he could use a little extra company.

但有時候我只是擔心他可能需要一些其他的朋友。

Here's the problem: Humans overcomplicate everything, case in point.

問題在這：人類會把全部事情過度複雜化，有例子可以佐證。

Hey, Gus, tonight is very important to me, okay?

嘿，格斯，今晚對我很重要，好嗎？

I haven't had a date in a very long time.

我有很長的時間沒有約會了。

Blah blah blah blah blah. He overthinks it.

等等等等。他想太多了。

You chase each other around and then you lick each other's faces, then it's on. Simple.

你們互相追逐然後舔對方的臉，然後就開始了。簡單。

But no. Instead he spends hours destroying random things he found in the garden to present to his date.

但不。他反而花好幾個小時摧毀他在庭院裡找到的隨機物品要呈獻給他的約會對象。

Maybe to prove he's a hunter.

可能是要證明他是一個獵人。

I don't know. None of that stuff runs away.

我不知道。那些東西沒有一個會跑走的。

And it's show time.

然後好戲上場了。

Hey. Welcome. -Hi.

嘿，歡迎。 －嗨。

Come on, touch noses.

趕快，碰鼻子。

No. Oh, and they shake. It's not even an impressive trick, by the way.

不。噢，然後他們握手。順便一提，這根本不是什麼了不起的招數。

Now here's the part that kills me.

然後這是讓我最無法理解的地方。

They're hungry, there's food in front of them, and they just blab for hours.

他們很餓，有食物在他們面前，但他們就瞎聊好幾個小時。

And then, when they do eat, they play this weird game of food golf from these complicated sticks navigating weeds into their mouth holes.

然後，當他們真的要吃東西的時候，他們玩這個奇怪的「食物高爾夫」遊戲，這些難懂的棍子導引雜草進去他們的嘴洞裡。

What do you like to do on the weekends?

你週末喜歡做些什麼呢？

Uh... Uh... -Uh oh. Don't say it. Don't say it.

呃...呃... －噢不，不要說，不要說。

Taxes.

稅。

-Oh. You said it.

－噢，你說了。

Really, that's...

真的噢，那....

I just do taxes like, all the time.

就處理稅務，無時無刻。

-All right.

－好吧。

Oh my god! Gus! I love him!

天啊！格斯！我超喜歡他的！

Uh huh, awesome!

嗯哼，太棒了！

Yes, it's true. Part of being a best friend does mean you have to run interference when it's needed.

對，這是真的。當一個死黨一部分是代表你必須在需要的時候掩護。

He is so cool!

他超酷的！

Yeah, yeah, he's a good dog.

對，對，他是一條好狗。

Well, in any case, if anyone out there wants a dinner date with me, I keep it simple.

嗯，不管怎樣，如果有任何人想要跟我晚餐約會的話，我會保持簡單。

Set the table, fill your plates with healthy, delicious food, and then we eat.

擺好餐具，把你的盤子裝滿健康、好吃的食物，然後我們就開動。

We can save the talking for when we're full.

我們可以等吃飽了之後再聊天。