Yet few of us know how to do it, not because we're evil, but because no one has taught us how and—a related point—no one has listened to us.

但很少人知道怎麼做，並不是因為我們本質差，而是沒人教我們該怎麼聆聽，另外一點是，也沒人聆聽過我們說話。

So we come to social life greedy to speak rather than listen, hungry to meet others, but reluctant to hear them.

於是我們在社交的時候，比起聆聽更渴望說話，我們想要跟別人見面，卻不願意聽他們說話。

Friendship degenerates into a socialised egoism.

友誼也變質成了社會化的自我主義。

Like most things, it's about education.

跟多數事物一樣，這與教育有關。

Our civilization is full of great books on how to speak—Cicero's "Orator" and Aristotle's "Rhetoric" which were two of the greatest in the ancient world—but sadly no one has ever written a book called "The Listener".

人類文明充斥著教導說話藝術的書籍，例如西塞羅的《雄辯家》的和亞里斯多德的《修辭學》就是古文明中的偉大作品，但遺憾的是，從未有人寫過名為《聆聽者》的書籍。

There are a range of things that a good listener is doing that makes it so nice to spend time in their company.

好的聆聽者有幾件常做的事，讓人們覺得花時間和他們相處很美好。

Firstly, they egg us on.

第一，他們會鼓勵我們。

It's hard to know our own minds.

要釐清自己的想法很困難。

Often, we're in the vicinity of something, but we don't quite close in on what's really bothering or exciting us.

我們常常大概知道某些事，卻無法確切掌握令我們困擾或興奮的東西。

We hugely benefit from encouragement to elaborate, to go into greater detail, to push just a little further.

不管是被鼓勵去闡述、說明更多細節或是再多做一點，我們總能大有所穫。

We need someone who, rather than launch forth on their own, will simply say those two magic words: Go on…

我們需要一個不會只顧著自己說話的人，對我們說那如魔法的兩個字：「你說...」。

You mention a sibling, and they want to know a bit more.

你提到兄弟姊妹，他們就會想多了解一點。

What was the relationship like in childhood, how has it changed over time?

你們年幼時的關係如何、隨時間演變有了什麼變化？

They're curious where our concerns and excitements come from.

他們想知道我們焦慮或興奮的來源。

They ask things like: Ｗhy did that particularly bother you? Why was that such a big thing for you?

他們會問：「為什麼那件事讓你如此煩惱？它對你來說為什麼這麼重要？」

They keep our histories in mind; they might refer back to something we said before and we feel they're building up a deeper base of engagement.

他們會記住我們說過的事，並且可能回溯那些故事，讓我們感受到他們正在建構一段更根深蒂固的關係。

Secondly, the good listener urges clarification.

第二，聆聽能者善於釐清。

It's fatally easy to say vague things; we simply mention that something is lovely or terrible, nice or annoying.

我們非常容易用模糊的話語來描述，我們能輕易地說某件事很美好、很可怕、很棒或很煩。

But we don't really explore why we feel this way.

但我們通常不會探究我們有這種感覺的原因。

The friend who listens often has a productive, friendly suspicion of some of our own first statements and is after the deeper attitudes that are lurking in the background.

懂得聆聽的朋友總能對我們首發的言論提出想法及友善質疑，目的在於檢視事情背後潛伏的心態。

They take things we say like, "I'm fed up with my job" or "My partner and I are having a lot of rows,"

他們會聽到我們說：「我受夠了我的工作」或是「我和我的伴侶很常吵架」等話語，

and they help us to focus in on what it really is about the job we don't like or what the rows are really about.

然後幫助我們專注探討，究竟不喜歡工作的哪一點，或是爭吵點到底是什麼。

They're bringing to listening, an ambition to clarify the underlying issues.

他們開始聆聽，也抱持著釐清潛藏原因的野心。

They don't just see conversation as the swapping of anecdotes.

他們不會只將對話視為一般的交換趣聞軼事。

They're reconnecting the chat you're having over pizza with the philosophical ambitions of Socrates,

他們運用蘇格拉底的哲學精神，將在吃披薩時說的一些瑣事串聯起來。

whose dialogues are records of his attempts to help fellow Athenians understand their ideas and values in a better way.

蘇格拉底曾有過的對話都記錄了他企圖為雅典同伴們，以更好的方式了解自己的思想與價值。

Thirdly, good listeners don't moralise.

第三，好的聆聽者不會說教。

The good listener is acutely aware of how insane we all are.

好的聆聽者很清楚地知道我們有多瘋狂。

They know their own minds well enough not to be surprised or frightened about this.

他們對自己的思想了解到足以不被這件事驚嚇到。

They're skilled at making occasional little positive sounds: Strategic "mmmm..." that delicately signal sympathy without intruding on what we're trying to say.

他們擅長適時用微小正向聲音予以回應：技巧性地「嗯...」一聲巧妙地表達認同，卻又不打斷我們說話。

They give the impression that they recognize and accept our follies ; they're reassuring us they're not going to shred our dignity.

他們傳達了一種態度：他們認可也接受我們的愚蠢，同時也藉此保證不會踐踏我們的自尊。

A big worry in a competitive world is that we feel we can't afford to be honest about how distressed we are.

在這高競爭世界的一大擔憂，就是認為自己沒有本錢坦承自身的痛苦。

Saying one feels like a failure could mean being dropped.

承認自己感覺像個失敗者可能意味著已被社會淘汰的感覺。

But the good listener signals early and clearly that they don't see us in these terms.

但是好的聆聽者會在一開始就清楚地表示，他們並不會這樣看待我們。

Our vulnerability is something they warm to rather than are appalled by.

我們的脆弱是會讓他們感興趣而不是反感的特點。

Lastly, good listeners separate disagreement from criticism.

最後，好的聆聽者能分辨異議與批評。

There's a huge tendency to feel that being disagreed with is an expression of hostility.

當人們不被認同的時候，很容易會認為那是一種敵意的表達。

And obviously, sometimes that's right.

當然，這個想法有時是正確的。

But a good listener makes it clear that they can really like you and, at the same time, think you're wrong.

但好的聆聽者會清楚地讓你知道他們在喜歡你這個人的同時，也是可能認為你有錯。

They make it plain that their liking for you isn't dependent on constant agreement.

他們會說清楚，喜歡並不是建立在隨時認同的基礎上。

They are powerfully aware that a really lovely person could end up a bit muddled and in need of some gentle untangling.

他們很深刻地意識到，再怎麼好的人都有頭腦不清楚、需要協助慢慢釐清的時候。

When we're in the company of people who listen well, we experience a very powerful pleasure.

所以當有個好的聆聽者陪伴時，我們會感受到一股極大的愉悅感。

But too often, we don't really realize what it is that this person is doing that's so nice.

但很常發生的是，我們不會真正意識到這個人做的事究竟好在哪裡。

By paying strategic attention to the pleasure, we can learn to magnify it and offer it to others, who will notice, hear, and repay the favour in turn.

藉由技巧性地觀察這樣的愉悅感，我們可以學習將它放大，並提供給會發現、聆聽，並予以回報的那些人。

Listening deserves discovery as one of the keys to a good society.

「聆聽」應該要被視為塑造良好社會的關鍵之一。