childhood and teenage years, how things were for me in middle and

high school, and the struggle I had with my gender identity and

becoming my true self, through the mental disorders and trauma.

This is a very lengthily life story, but is divided into

sections you can access by looking in the description. So,

thank you to anyone in advanced who watches the entire thing.

I apologize if I am smiling at any of this because this is not

anything to smile about. As a general warning, this video

could be triggering to some individuals since it includes

references of trauma, abandonment, abuse, and

bullying, among other things. So please watch with caution.

My childhood is very difficult for me to talk about, and is

also something I really don't remember because it was so

traumatic I blocked most of it out. There is only a small

amount I remember, some good, some bad. So, a lot of the

information provided here was given to me by my family that

knows about my past. Of course, these people don't know

everything that happened to me and I suspect a lot is being

intentionally hidden from me as well. So, ever since I was a

child I was severely abused. Physical abuse, I was hit,

kicked, slapped around, anything you could imagine. Not just by

one person, but by multiple people. I remember being

suffocated at one point. One thing that was told to me was

that at some point I was tied up to a chair by someone I didn't

know because I was out of control. I don't know how long

or if anything else happened, but it sounds like a terrifying

moment for a child. Emotional abuse, I was called names, but

more seriously, I was abandoned by so many people. I'll get to

that in a minute. Sexual abuse, it wouldn't surprise me if

things were done to me. But, there are also things that I

have done that I will have to live with for the rest of my

life. I cannot go back and change my past, and if I did, I

wouldn't be the same person I am today. I had nowhere to escape,

I was trapped. The only release I got was when I went to my

grandparent's. They were always nice to me and never neglected

me. That was the one place I felt safe and could have

attention. If it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would

be today. Regarding abandonment, I was neglected by most people.

My mother never paid much of any attention, plus I never had a

father that was actively in the picture. I did see him a very

few times, but I don't know what we did, if anything. Shortly

thereafter, someone else from that side of the family started

spending time with me, and we became very close. We would go

on adventures and I really had a lot of fun. She was there for me

during the times I couldn't be with my grandparents. One day

she was supposed to come pick me up, but she never showed up.

People tried to get ahold of her, but there was no response.

I thought she died. There are a lot of mental problems that run

in my family, especially on that side, my father's side, so

perhaps that is why they left me, and perhaps where I got some

of the issues I have today. I don't know that side of the

family, so I don't know the extent of the mental issues that

run there. I was a very violent and angry child. I've taken my

anger out in ways that were unacceptable. It was only over

the past few years that I have been able to find a better

outlet. One thing I did was constantly break by prescription

glasses when I would get angry. Another thing was slam my head

against things. There was one point, which I don't remember,

where I threatened to kill my mother with a screwdriver for

what she had done to me. She was terrified out of her mind and

thought I would kill her when she was asleep. When I turned

five my sister was born. I always wanted to be the only

child, and get the attention I deserved, and now with my

sister, any kind of attention that could've been became

non-existent. I hated my sister for being born and supposedly

I hurt her. I was also signed up for lots of activities. Music,

swimming, anything else. And, I hated it. If it was learning to

play musical instruments, I would hide the instrument so

I could get out of doing it. I hated being around other

children, and just wanted to be alone in my room. I was most of

the time anyway. So, I usually just played video games by

myself. Back then, I remember thinking about death a lot, but

it didn't scare me. I remember thinking about ways I could die

and it fascinated me. I had a wooden bunk bed in my room, even

though I was the only one that slept in there. But, I remember

kicking and pushing as hard as I could with my legs to try and

get the top bunk to fall on top of me in hopes that it would

kill me. I remember splitting my arm open somehow about an inch

when jump on my bed I believe. I don't know if that's what

happened or just what I was supposed to believe, or if it

even was an accident. I still have the scar today. I remember

this one delusion, where I thought there was a girl my age

that lived across the street from where my room was. I don't

think I could see her at all, but I thought a girl lived there

and thought she was my girlfriend. She monitored

everything I did in my room, never judged and was nice.

I don't know if I ever talked to her, nor do I know if she talked

to me, perhaps we did. But, I knew she was there always

watching me. I felt I was watched by a lot of things,

especially in space, but I was not scared or paranoid of it.

Regarding my gender identity, I believe I faintly remember going

into my mother's room and looking at her clothing and

shoes, wanting to try them on, perhaps even trying on the

shoes. I don't know. I remember I hated having a penis.

I remember so many times having scissors down there about ready

to cut it off. Of course, I never did it, wouldn't have been

able to get surgery otherwise. But, I do clearly remember being

on the verge of getting rid of it because I didn't like it. Or

perhaps that was also another thought of death I had. I also

remember in school someone asked me if I had a penis, and I said,

"No, it got cut off." I denied it because I hated it. What I

also remember is when my mother was watching some movie about

men that cross-dressed and were living like women. I remember

thinking in my head, that is what I'm going to do when I get

older. As far as school goes, I was very shy and never really

talked with anyone. I didn't really have many friends, but

the ones I did have I had a lot of fun with. Though, I was made

fun of and bullied. Additionally, I also had a

speech impediment and couldn't say certain letters correctly,

so I had to take speech therapy. I remember I was so scared of

using the bathroom in school that I held it all day long.

This even continued through high school. Though, when I was

younger it was quite difficult holding it for that long and I

had some accidents that I'm not proud of. The reason why I hated

bathrooms, I don't know. Perhaps it was related to my body, or

some abuse I don't remember, or a combination of the two. I

don't have a clue. By the time I turned 10, I had moved in full

time with my grandparents and still live there today. I was

luckily able to get away from the abuse and live in a

comforting household. Though, my problems

were only starting to begin.

Around age 11 and 12, it was around the time I started to hit

puberty. Things drastically turned bad in my life on so many

levels. Going through puberty is extremely difficult for any

transgender individual. Your body is changing in the opposite

way you would like and it is a terrifying experience. I hated

the fact that I was getting a deeper voice, facial and body

hair, and other things. The hatred I had towards myself was

astronomical. I would look in the mirror and say, "I hate you,

you ugly slob." And I would cry so badly when I saw any kind of

picture of myself. I didn't get why people thought I was good

looking, because I didn't see it. Something else that became

very troubling was that my thought process became very

distorted. Unexpectedly out of nowhere, I started to become

very paranoid of people, thinking they were watching me,

reading my thoughts at all times. When they would look at

me, they would know instantly what I was thinking. Every time

I would think something, it was broadcast outside my head for

the whole world to hear. This was very different from how

I was prior. I was doing fine, no paranoia, no delusions, I

trusted people, and invited them to birthday parties and would go

to theirs willingly, but I was usually held back by shyness,

that's it. But after my thoughts changed, I was so paranoid of

them, thinking they would hurt me and do me harm. On top of

that, I slowly lost all interest in human interaction. I just

wanted to be alone, and I was. I stayed in my room, avoided

people, stopped talking with people, including my family. Of

course some of this was due to my depressed about my gender

identity. Whenever I would talk to my grandmother, I would sit

behind a corner so she couldn't see me. Or, I would put

something in the way so she couldn't look at me. I hated

being looked at, because I felt ugly, but also that other people

were reading my mind. These things started to become more

and more severe. It got to the point where I put black

construction paper on my window to, one block out the sun, and

block out anyone who was watching me in my room. I spent

most of my time alone in my room, away from even my family.

I was terrified every second I had to leave my room because

I thought someone would break in and go through my things.

Whenever I would take a shower, I thought my grandmother would

go up there and root around. This continued until after I

finished high school. So much to the point where I had to lock my

door and put a piece of paper under it to see if anyone broke

in. But, I also believed that people knew I did this and would

put it back the way I had it after they broken in. I remember

around the time I became a teenager or short thereafter,

I saw a documentary on TV about this male to female transgender

person that was about to undergo SRS. I was so fascinated and

said, "That will be me in the future!" Though, back then my

plan was very different. I was never going to tell my family. I

was going to wait until I was 30 or 40 and had a place of my own,

and then I would transition, and purposefully lose all

communication with my family. I would shut them out.

And, I'm very glad that did not happen.

In middle school, grades six through eight were the worst. I

never fit into any group. I was always the outcast that everyone

thought was weird and creepy and made fun of. I could hear them

taking about me, whispering negative things about me to one

another. After hitting puberty and when I became paranoid and

delusional, I was no longer able to really make any friends. I

didn't have a problem before, I was just shy. But, afterwards it

became a total inability to communicate effectively with

others to make friends. I could not relate and didn't know how

to make friends. This continues to remain with me today. The

people I thought were friends, always turned against me and

would do and say things about me to get me down. I was bullied a

lot. I was physically and verbally abused. Verbal abuse

was name calling, making fun and teasing. People called me gay a

lot, which I knew I wasn't gay when I was living as a male,

because deep down I knew the problem was I was a female.

I acted feminine, and had mannerisms that were feminine

many times, so that is why people thought I was gay.

Regarding physical abuse, I was slammed around and hit, cornered

in the bathroom and threatened to have my pants pulled down. As

someone struggling with their gender identity, this made it

extremely difficult. But on top of that, I was choked at one

point up against the lockers. There was one incident where we

were outside, and there was a group of kids that were calling

me over, two or three were from my class. I knew something was

suspicious about it, but for some reason, I went over anyway.

I kept saying, "What," to the kid that was calling me. And,

they almost seemed to circle me. I knew immediately what was

about to happen, and sure enough, one kid pulled my pants

down from behind. I didn't feel anything after that. I pulled

them back up and walked away. Someone saw it and told the

teacher, not that I was going to or anything. I was not ashamed

or embarrassed. I felt nothing and it was quite a weird feeling

to not feel anything after someone just did that to you,