字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 - Brittany! Cheddar's birthday only happens once a year. We're going to be late. Why aren't you ready at all? What the hell were you doing in there? - Masturbating. Why? - You can't just say that. - It's not like I said I was murdering somebody. - I'm right in the next room. - There's a structure between us. Everyone masturbates. You masturbate, I masturbate, Obama masturbates. - Yeah, but at least I lie about it. I'm taking a shower. I'm on the phone with my mom. I'm making a life-sized statue of you out of Q-tips and I don't want you to see. - Aw, okay. - What have I done? - Why do you have to lie about it? I'm washing the pearl. I'm dialing the rotary phone. I'm finger painting. - She likes to do arts and crafts sometimes. Let's go around back. That's what all those things mean? - Yeah. - Don't you need like an ambiance or something? - Do you need an ambiance or something? - No, I'm a guy. I guess I just always figured that when women touched themselves, it was more romantic, like rose petals, lens flare, like a love-making session for one. - More like in pitch black while I'm listening to music and checking my Twitter. - That's what I'm talking about. Guys would not listen to music. - What else would I listen to? The sound of my own instability? No thank you. Let me guess, you listen to porn? - No, like I said, Britney, I don't leave a trace. I lower my volume as low as I can and I'm still paranoid that people can hear the grunts and moans and... Ever since I was eight years old, I've been told, "Masturbation is wrong because it's desire of the flesh." - I forgot you were raised Catholic. - Yeah, so how do you expect me not to attach paranoia with jerking off? - Is that what you're wearing? - Is that what you're wearing? It's an anything but clothes party. - Oh yeah. - Is that the sheet you just masturbated on? - No, no, no. I was actually masturbating on a bed of roses but I figured that would be way too hard to turn into a dress. - How are you so open about this? - Unlike you, I was sexually awakened at a very young age. I discovered inanimate objects, or should I say they discovered me. Eighth grade was a cool year. - This is weird. I've never had a conversation about this. Can we do this? - I don't know. Sometimes, I do it for 20 minutes, sometimes it's over in like 30 seconds. - I'm a consistent eight minutes. Transcontinental flight when I was 14. - What about like on a subway? - No. - What about like at a Subway? The sandwich shop. - Do you just like picture a certain group of people? Have you ever pictured me? - No. - [Both] Three? Yeah. - Oh, we made it. - What's this guy's name again? - Cheddar. - Aw, it's the name of my first vibrator. It was orange.