Cheddar's birthday only happens once a year.

We're going to be late.

Why aren't you ready at all?

What the hell were you doing in there?

- Masturbating. Why?

- You can't just say that.

- It's not like I said I was murdering somebody.

- I'm right in the next room.

- There's a structure between us.

Everyone masturbates.

You masturbate, I masturbate, Obama masturbates.

- Yeah, but at least I lie about it.

I'm taking a shower.

I'm on the phone with my mom.

I'm making a life-sized statue of you out of Q-tips

and I don't want you to see.

- Aw, okay.

- What have I done?

- Why do you have to lie about it?

I'm washing the pearl.

I'm dialing the rotary phone.

I'm finger painting.

- She likes to do arts and crafts sometimes.

Let's go around back.

That's what all those things mean?

- Yeah.

- Don't you need like an ambiance or something?

- Do you need an ambiance or something?

- No, I'm a guy.

I guess I just always figured that when women

touched themselves, it was more romantic,

like rose petals, lens flare,

like a love-making session for one.

- More like in pitch black while I'm listening to music

and checking my Twitter.

- That's what I'm talking about.

Guys would not listen to music.

- What else would I listen to?

The sound of my own instability?

No thank you.

Let me guess, you listen to porn?

- No, like I said, Britney,

I don't leave a trace.

I lower my volume as low as I can

and I'm still paranoid that people can hear

the grunts and moans and...

Ever since I was eight years old, I've been told,

"Masturbation is wrong because it's desire of the flesh."

- I forgot you were raised Catholic.

- Yeah, so how do you expect me not to

attach paranoia with jerking off?

- Is that what you're wearing?

- Is that what you're wearing?

It's an anything but clothes party.

- Oh yeah.

- Is that the sheet you just masturbated on?

- No, no, no.

I was actually masturbating on a bed of roses

but I figured that would be way too hard

to turn into a dress.

- How are you so open about this?

- Unlike you, I was sexually awakened at a very young age.

I discovered inanimate objects,

or should I say they discovered me.

Eighth grade was a cool year.

- This is weird.

I've never had a conversation about this.

Can we do this?

- I don't know.

Sometimes, I do it for 20 minutes,

sometimes it's over in like 30 seconds.

- I'm a consistent eight minutes.

Transcontinental flight when I was 14.

- What about like on a subway?

- No.

- What about like at a Subway?

The sandwich shop.

- Do you just like picture a certain group of people?

Have you ever pictured me?

- No.

- [Both] Three? Yeah.

- Oh, we made it.

- What's this guy's name again?

- Cheddar.

- Aw, it's the name of my first vibrator.

It was orange.