We tend to have very strong psychological types that we can't deviate from.

我們似乎擁有強大且不可抗之心理因素。

All of us carry inside us very specific inner shopping lists defining what the people we can love need to be like as characters.

我們每個人心中都有一個特定的擇偶條件，來決定我們愛上的人必須具備哪些人格條件。

You might think these shopping lists would be focused around lovely requirements like that our potential lovers would need to be kind, understanding, friendly and from our age and social group.

你或許以為我們的擇偶條件會聚焦於美好的優點，像是我們的潛在戀人必須善良、善解人意、友善，年齡和社會階級相仿。

But the shopping lists are in fact often a lot weirder and darker.

但是我們的擇偶條件其實往往更弔詭且負面。

We may end up neglecting all sorts of potential candidates dismissing them as boring or yucky or somehow just wrong.

我們最終會忽略潛在對象的負面條件，像是無趣或是噁心，或不對勁的地方，

And heading straight to people whose characteristics are pretty awkward and not conducive to our happiness.

然後投入那些人格特質迥異且無法確保帶給我們幸福的對象懷中。

For example, we may only be able to fall in love with people who are much less clever or responsible than we are.

例如我們可能只會愛上那些比我們更不聰明，或更不負責任的人，

Or who are really unreliable, who are selfish, and self-absorbed.

或是那些不可靠、自私、且自我中心，

Or sarcastic and mean.

或諷刺和惡劣的人。

It can be very puzzling to those around us and to ourselves.

我們的擇偶對象有時會使旁人或自己感到相當困惑。

Why on earth can't we settle down with people who are good for us?

到底為什麼我們就無法和對我們好的人長相廝守呢？

That's because, what we're looking for in love isn't necessarily someone who is nice, pure, and simple.

這是因為，我們嚮往的愛情並不一定是和善良純潔和單純的好人在一起，

But someone who feels familiar and a lot of us learnt about love in childhood at the hands of people who were in a variety of ways trouble for us.

反而是和我們感到熟悉的人在一起；我們很多人對愛情的認知，來自受許多人影響的童年，而這些人用不同的方式困擾著我們，

And who continue unconsciously to guide our love types our earliest caregivers give us templates of what it is to love and be loved which can cause havoc with our chances of happiness.

並且不經意地影響了我們的擇偶條件，我們的童年形塑出我們對愛與被愛的想像，並且影響我們獲得幸福的機會。

The trickiness in our love types tends to go in one of three ways.

我們的擇偶條件傾向來自於以下三種方式其中一種。

Let's imagine dad was cold or violent or abusive, or mum was belittling unavailable or controlling.

想像一下，如果我們的父親既無情又暴力或母親是個輕視人的控制狂。

It was horrible yet that ends up being what we look for in love.

這太糟糕了，但這都會影響我們將來會愛上誰。

Why would we ever repeat something that was deeply uncomfortable?

為什麼即使如此痛苦，我們依然會重蹈覆轍呢？

Well, because even though it was horrible, it was still a love relationship.

這是因為即使很糟糕，你童年所經歷的依舊是一段親密關係。

There was abuse but also let's imagine a degree of familiarity, admiration, attachment, and even tenderness.

雖然痛苦，但是這也是某程度上的熟悉、憧憬、聯繫，甚至是溫柔。

They may have been belittling, but it's what we got used to.

他們或許表現貶低，但這也是我們所習慣的。

And now however illogical it sounds, it doesn't quite feel right unless it's kind of awful as well. It's not nice as such but it feels comfortingly compellingly familiar.

而現在無論這聽起來有多不合理，這都令人費解，除非這雖然不是件好事，但卻感到令人信服的熟悉感。

Or imagine we experienced firsthand what it was like to be made to feel terrible to be humiliated and hurt.

這就像，如果我們曾直接經歷因被羞辱和被傷害痛苦的感受，

And then weirdly, we may end up doing the same thing to someone else.

就會很奇怪地因此也對其他人做出一樣的事情。

Humiliating them in turn, bossing them about, going cold on them, just when they're vulnerable to us.

羞辱他們，欺負他們或是冷漠以對，因為我們知道對方處於弱勢。

It's as if a primitive part of us thinks that the only way not to be abused is to be the abuser.

這是因為我們內心直覺地認為唯一不被欺負的方式就是當霸凌者。

Deep inside, the childlike, emotional self thinks the person who did that thing to me was in a way the opposite of me.

我們內心深處，認為對我們這麼做的人和我們是相反的人。

And that must be the place of safety.

而那裡一定是安全的地方。

And that's who I want to be in a new relationship.

也就是在一段新關係中我想成為的人。

When parents cause us trouble we're often so keen to get away from it.

當父母替我們製造麻煩時，我們很渴望逃離這一切。

We develop blocks around all kinds of character traits they may have had, which might actually have been good, and actually unrelated to the troublesome traits.

我們建立各種一個人應該具備的人格特質，這些可能是不惹人厭的好條件。

So for example, a father might have been belittling but highly intelligent; now regrettably, anyone intelligent can seem hugely off-putting.

舉例來說，一位父親或許藐視一切卻聰慧過人，很遺憾地，任何聰明的人都有缺點。

Or we always felt our mother was somehow revolted by sexuality ours especially but she was really warm and cuddly.

或者一位母親雖然對性厭惡，但都是很溫暖且喜歡擁抱的。

Now sadly, anyone who's warm and cuddly is imagined to be punitive around sex, and hence feels wrong and has to be rejected our inner love maps are really hard to tease out.

很可惜的，任何溫暖且愛擁抱的人都是被視為性別上的懲罰，因此感到犯了錯且必須拒絕，我們內心的愛情地圖是很難透徹的。

They certainly don't spell themselves out.

他們顯然不會自我表露。

So we have to make efforts to find out what they're dictating so as to free ourselves from their demands.

所以我們要試圖去發現他們潛在意涵為何，讓自己獲得解脫。

The investigation starts as always by trying to understand ourselves.

這個調查總是從自我瞭解開始。

What did I suffer from at the hands of my early caregivers?

童年時，照顧我的人讓我受了什麼委屈？

Am I finding myself drawn to that in adults I fancy?

我是否被此影響？

Am I causing troubles for people in ways I might have suffered from when I was young?

我是否也像過幼小時時承受他人的影響般對他人造成相同的麻煩？

And am I put off certain people because they have traits I associate with people who caused me difficulties as a child?

我是否排擠特定的人，因為他們具有過去為我造成困擾的人所具備的特質？

Might I in other people find the traits I like without the ones I fear?

我是否會在他人身上發現我喜愛的特質，同時沒有我所畏懼的特質？

Emotional health means expanding on the number of people we're free to fall in love with.

心靈健全指的是增加我能愛上的人的人數。

We learn about love in childhood but we liberate ourselves from the traumas of childhood when we realize we can love in different ways.

我們從童年中學會什麼是愛，但卻在我們發現自己可以愛人時，從童年中的創傷釋放自己。

And get used to something that may at first be eerily and challengingly unfamiliar, being happy with someone who is properly and deeply good for us.

一開始可能感到怪異且不熟悉，但仍要去找尋真誠相待、且在一起會真正感到快樂的對象。