- Oh, I see it. Mm-mhm.

-喔，我懂了，恩哼

- Uh, what's up?

-呃，怎麼了？

- Imagine all these toys are pieces of sushi.

-想像這些玩具都是一塊又一塊的壽司

And Pete is a beautiful naked...woman.

而皮特呢，就是那位美麗的裸體女子

- And why am I doing this?

-那這意義何在呢？

- Must everything have a reason?

-什麼事都得要有理由嗎？

- We're just killing time.

-我們只是在殺時間啦

We can't go home until the place clears out, so...

餐廳的人走光以前我們都還不能走，所以...

- [screams]

-(吼叫)

I know you're really a human!

我知道你根本就是人假扮的！

- So are you, you turd,

-住手，你這個討厭鬼

but no one's trying to rip your head off.

我看你八成皮在癢，沒有人好好教訓你

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

-嘿嘿嘿嘿，不要這樣

- Ugh. I thought you'd be cooler.

-噁，我還以為你脫下來會很酷勒

Put the head back on.

你還是把頭套戴回去好了

- Hey, little bud, is your mom or dad here?

-嘿，小弟弟，你爸爸媽媽有在這裡嗎？

- Or your parole officer?

-還是法定監護人呢？

- I'm flying solo. My mom dropped me off.

-我被拋棄了，我媽把我丟在這

- Not surprising.

-一點也不意外呢

Mom's probably in Planned Parenthood,

說不定你老媽現在正在計畫生育聯盟 (譯註: Planned Parenthood最早成立於1921年，總部位於紐約，是國際計劃生育協會最大分支之一)

trying to get a refund. - Ian!

準備申請補償金呢 -伊恩！

Look, you're our last customer,

聽著，因為你是店裡最後一位顧客

and we're hoping to go home early,

我們希望你能早點回家

but we can't until you leave.

否則我們也不能回家

Do you, uh, wanna give your momma a call?

呃，你想不想打給你媽咪呢？

- Not until Pork E. dances for me.

-除非小箭豬跳舞，我才打

Dance, rodent, dance!

跳啊，囓齒動物，快跳啊！

- Ian, just dance so we can go home.

-伊恩你快跳，我們才能回家

- [sighs]

-(嘆)

[humming silly song] Pork E. Pine.

(哼唱傻瓜歌曲) 啦啦我是小箭豬

There. Now call your stupid mom.

好了，現在快打給你老媽

[cell phone dialing]

(撥打電話聲)

- Why is my mom's number in your phone?

-為什麼你手機裡有我媽的電話？

- Nesha Patel?

-尼莎‧帕特爾？

Oh, we went to high school with her, remember, Ian?

喔，我們高中同班過呀，還記得嗎，伊恩？

- Of course I remember her. She was my first--

-我當然還記得，她是我第一個...

- First what?

-第一個什麼？

- My...first...lab partner in biology class.

-我「生物課的第1個實驗夥伴」 (譯註: 接下來特別引號的話，都是換個詞來表示有性關係的意思)

- Wait, she was my first... lab partner too.

-等一下，她也是我「第1個實驗夥伴」耶

- You never told me you...partnered with Nesha.

-你沒跟我說過，你跟妮莎當過「夥伴」

- Oh, yeah, we did lots of ex...periments while listening

-喔，是啊，我們一起做了許多「實驗」，還邊做

to the "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" soundtrack.

邊聽牛仔褲的夏天的電影原聲帶呢 (譯註: 牛仔褲的夏天為2005年上映的美國電影，講述4個女孩的友誼故事)

- We're talking about sex, right?

-我們在談論的是性伴侶，對吧？

- We really got to work on our metaphors.

-我們下次打暗號得換點別的

- Ugh. You guys both had sex with my mom?

-噁，你們兩個都跟我老媽睡過？

- Not at the same time.

-又不是同一個時間

- Yeah, and that was like ten years ago.

-對啊，都10幾年前的事了

- So...nine months before I was born.

-是嗎...但那剛好是在我出生前9個月發生的呢

Can we figure this out,

我們要不要來搞清楚血緣關係

or should I just call Maury Povich right now?

還是我直接打給莫瑞·波维奇來鑑定就好了？ (譯註:此梗來自Maury Povich主持的Maury秀當中檢驗孩子是否為某人爸爸的一集，節目主要內容為有關人們的科學測試，如驗孕、測謊或幫忙調解性別議題以及世代問題)

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)

- [man singing] This is America

- (男聲) 這裡是美國

Land of dreams

夢想的發源之地

Everyone can climb higher

每個人都能高高在上

- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

- (女聲) 你錯了，你明知道自己被困在這裡

'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

因為你只是個實習工讀生，耶~

- [man singing] You can do anything

- (男聲) 想做什麼都隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- (女聲) 前提是不要太難

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- (男聲) 想去哪玩也隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- (女聲) 前提是你得有車

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- (男聲) 你就能坐擁天下

- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

- (女聲) 拜託，你以為你是誰？

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

- (男聲) 實習工讀生是一種詛咒

With full-time dreams

雖然你充滿夢想

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

但薪水就跟表面看起來一樣的糟

Bad as it seems

一樣糟糕

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

你到底是吃錯什麼藥？

Whoa

哇喔

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

到底為什麼要來這裡啊？

Oh

喔~

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

兄弟，認真的嗎？ -你到底在這裡做什麼啊？

- I hope to God I'm not his dad.

-上帝保佑我不是他親生父親

- I'm hungry. - I hope so too.

-我餓了 -我也希望是

For the kid's sake, I think we can all agree,

但是為了孩子的安危，我覺得不可否認的是

I would make a better dad.

我會是一位很好的爸爸

- What? No, I would make a great dad.

-什麼？我才是最稱職的老爸

I always carry candy. Point Ian.

我可是常常帶糖果呢，選我就對了

- I hate candy. - He hates candy?

-我討厭吃糖 -他討厭吃糖？！

God, our kid sucks.

天啊，我的小孩也太爛了吧

- And I don't care. See? I'll always love our son,

-我才不管他愛不愛吃糖，你看，不管我兒子多令我

no matter how much he disappoints me.

感到失望，我都愛我兒子

Point Anton.

選我小安就對了

- Oh, you wanna have a dad-off?

-哦，所以你想來老爸大車拼嗎？

You got it. Best dad wins.

我告訴你，只有最棒的老爸才會贏

- You're on.

-跟你賭了

- Uh, guys, can I come?

-呃，兩位，可以把我解開了嗎？

- Do we have to untie him?

-我們要把他解開嗎？

- I guess so.

-差不多啦

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)

- This is ridiculous. One of us should go home.

-這真的太扯了，總有一個人可以回家吧

all: Dibs!

所以人: 我最適任！

- Historically, it's the eldest who gets to go home first

-從古至今，禮讓長者一直是亙古不變

when things get slow. - So that would always be you.

的道理 -那不就永遠都是你嗎？

- I cleaned up three vomits today.

-我今天清理了3坨嘔吐物

Three separate vomits. I deserve to go home.

而且還是不同地方，我最有資格先回家

- Well, I set a fracture. I had my hand on a kid's bone.

-那都不算什麼，我今天幫一個小朋友正骨 (譯註: set a fracture即所謂的正骨，指用推、拽、按、捺等手法治療骨折、脫臼等疾病)

- [chuckles]

-(笑)

- What? It was really hard.

-笑什麼，那很難好不好

[all snicker]

(所有人在竊笑)

- Guys, I almost blew it.

-拜託，我差點失敗耶

[all snicker louder]

(所有人笑得更大聲了)

You guys are so immature. I'm going home.

你們好幼稚，我要回家了

- No! We'll handle this in the matter

-揪都媽茶，作為一家闔家歡樂餐廳的始祖

of a family entertainment restaurant forefathers.

我們得好好處理這件事情

[imitates fanfare]

(模仿喇叭叫聲)

Ball pit scavenger hunt!

球池尋寶遊戲開始囉！

[all yelling]

(所有人吼叫)

- Look, I know we got off to a rough start,

-聽著，我知道我們一開始相處得有點不愉快

but I promise you I got a lot of good qualities

但我保證我會盡一位稱職爸爸該盡的義務

for being a dad, okay?

給你最好、最棒的東西，好嗎？

I got charisma. [groaning] I got athleticism.

我有著超強的指導能力 (哼) 我運動也超強的

Self awareness of all the things I'm good at.

我會的東西啊，可是太多太多了

- The next thing you say better involve fun,

-你接下來說的東西最好有趣點

because I'm not cleaning.

我可不想聽你在那邊廢話連篇

- Who said anything about cleaning?

-誰跟你說我們在講廢話了？(譯註: cleaning尚有垃圾之意，故於此衍伸其意表示講的話如垃圾一般，也就是廢話)

- We're not? - No, we're playing...

-不是嗎？ -當然不是，我們在玩一種...

super...suicide skee ball.

超級...自殺式滾球遊戲

- I'm intrigued.

-好吧，就跟你玩一下吧

- Okay, guys, listen up.

-好啦各位，仔細聽好

This morning Anton dropped his wallet in the bathroom.

今天早上，安東尼在廁所掉了他的皮夾

First person to find it gets to go home.

第1個找到他皮包的人就能先回家

And, bonus,

另外...加分題

there's an Old Navy gift card inside.

這裡面還有老海軍禮品卡呢 (譯註: Old Navy為販售美式時尚服裝的品牌，創立於1994年，總部設在美國舊金山，2014年開始建立老海軍台灣在線網路商店)

- Ooh.

-嗚~

- Well, what? Begin!

-怎麼樣啊？沒問題就開始吧！

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)

- One... - This is awesome!

-1... -這真的是太美妙啦！

- ...two...

-2...

- Ian, I think you got enough time with--

-伊恩，我覺得你跟我的小孩相處得夠久囉...

- ...three!

-...3！

- [gasps]

- (吸氣)

I've got you, baby boy. You almost killed him.

我抓住你了，我的心肝寶貝，你差點把他殺了

- He's fine, quit being such a helicopter parent.

-他根本就沒事好嗎，麻煩你不要當直升機父母好不好？ (譯註: helicopter parent指的是很像直升機一般的父母，因為有著過度焦慮、過度介入的心態，會在孩子上空盤旋，無時無刻守望孩子一舉一動)

- You actually think you're a better father than me?

-你以為你這個爸爸當得就比我好嗎？

- Darth Vader's a better father than you.

-人家黑武士都還比你更稱職呢 (譯註: Darth Vader是電影《星際大戰》裡的一名虛構人物，他在正傳3部曲裡扮演重要的角色，也是前傳3部曲中的主角)

- Daddy is here now, Chadwick.

-爸比現在這裡了，不用怕囉，查德威克

- That's not my name, you tool bag.

-那不是我的名字好嗎，你個工具人

- Tool bag?

-工具人？

That's what your mother used to call me.

你媽過去也常常這樣叫我呢

It must be in the DNA.

這點還真的是遺傳到你媽了啊

all: Found it!

所有人: 找到了！

- Ew!

-噁！

- Ooh, dirty diaper! - IV bag?

-嗚，髒尿布！ -靜脈注射液？ (譯註: IV bag全名即Intravenous fluid，是指靜脈注射液)

- Wait, where's Pete?

-等一下，啊皮特嘞？

- Pete, come on out.

-皮特，出來了

- He can't stay under for too long, he gets panic attacks.

-他可不能待在下面太久，他有恐慌症耶

Guys, the hunt is off until we can find Pete.

各位，在繼續尋寶遊戲之前，我們要先找到皮特

- But...Old Navy.

-可是...老海軍的禮品卡

- Guys, focus. We leave no man behind.

-都什麼時候了，我們不能丟下任何人

- [sighs]

-(嘆氣)

- Chad, I'm gonna prove I'm a better dad

-查德，我要跟你證明與其他我知道的爸爸相比

than some other dads I could name,

我才是最好的爸爸

because I actually care about safety.

因為我才懂得保護你的安全

- Can you breathe? - [moans]

-你可以呼吸嗎？ -(呻吟)

- So you think a little bubble wrap is gonna keep

-所以你覺得光是靠氣泡袋就能保護我小孩

my child protected?

的人身安危了嗎？

- Yes, I do. - Prove it, then.

-可不是嗎？ -那證明給我看啊

- You're on.

-來就來啊

[upbeat rock music]

(愉悅搖滾音樂)

- [muffled scream] - Catch!

-(低沉尖叫聲) -抓住！

- Shoot! (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!)

-狗屎！(請勿在家嘗試) (譯註: shoot也可以解釋成shit，它是比shit較文雅的說法)

- [grunts]

-(咕噥聲)

Go! Go!

衝啊衝啊

- [screams]

-(叫喊)

[screams]

(尖叫)

- You think it worked? - Yeah.

-你覺得有效嗎？ -當然

- Good job.

-太好了

[both grunting]

(一起咕噥著)

- Aw, Chaddy, are you okay? - Are you okay, son?

-喔，小查查，你還好嗎？ -你沒事吧，兒子？

- Tell you what, whatever you wanna do, we'll do that.

-這麼說吧，不管你想要什麼，爸爸都會為你而做的

How about some cake?

要不要來點蛋糕呢？

- Or some pizza.

-或是披薩

- Or some cake on pizza.

-或是蛋糕撒在披薩上

I bet your mom doesn't let you do that.

我猜你媽可從不讓你做這種事

It could be our special little father-son thing.

這可以成為我們父子倆之間的小秘密呢

You know? - Ugh.

怎麼樣？ -呃

I can't believe you psychos get paid to be around kids.

我不敢相信你們這兩個瘋子竟然可以在一群小孩中賺到錢

But, yes, I will take the cake and pizza.

但，沒關係，我接受蛋糕和披薩

- Aw, he loves us. - Aw!

-喔，他愛我們啦 -喔！

- Oh! - Come here, Ch--okay.

-喔！ -來這裡，查..好喔

- Come here, Chadwick. - He's shy.

-來這裡，查德維克 -他很害羞呢

- I'm gonna get you, Chadwick.

-爸爸就要找到你囉，查德維克

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)

- I found Pete!

-我找到皮特了！

Oh, it felt so much like his upper thigh.

什麼嘛，這摸起來明明很像他的大腿

Something's feeling up my knees.

好像有東西踩著我的膝蓋往上爬

- [singing] Hello - It's a terror.

-(唱)哈囉 -嚇死我了

- [singing] Hello - [singing] Hello

-(唱)哈囉 -(唱)哈囉

[all singing] Hello

(所有人唱) 哈囉

- It's a full barbershop quartet.

-是完整版的男聲4重唱

- Guys, focus!

-專心點，各位！

Did you see a guy named Pete down there?

你們有沒有看到一個叫皮特的男生在下面？

Really cute, looks like he'd be the treasurer of the Math Club?

非常的卡哇伊，看起來他就是那種會當數學社總務的人

- [all singing] We've not had a peek at Pete,

-(所有人唱著) 我們可沒看過這號人物呢

the Math geek

數學怪咖

- [singing] Is it me you seek?

-(唱)敢問吾是否就是汝在找的人？

- Pete! - What's up, guys?

-皮特！ -嗨，大家

What are you still doing in here?

你們還在這邊幹嘛？

I found this wallet hours ago.

我幾個小時前就找到皮夾了

- You're safe. Thank God!

-你沒事，感謝主！

- [all singing] Thank God her true love's back

-(所有人唱著)感謝主讓她愛人回來

She almost had a heart attack

她可差點就要心臟病發作呢

- No. True love? [laughs]

-哪有啦，什麼愛人 (笑)

- [all singing] She is in denial

-(所有人唱著) 她正在否定

But she's got lots of guile

但我們早就看穿了她的心思

- Can you guys stop singing now?

-你們現在能不能閉嘴不要唱？

- [all singing] Sure, and we totally believe

-(所有人唱著)當然，我們百分之百相信

You are not in love with Pete

妳沒有愛上皮特

- Wait, what?

-蛤，什麼？

- Nothing. Stop singing!

-沒事啦，別再唱了！

- [all singing] Even though you're drooling over him

-(所有人唱著) 即使妳愛他愛得意亂情迷 (譯註: drool over指的是非常渴望、想要某樣東西或非常喜歡某個人)

Like a white chocolate cover treat

如同白巧克力覆蓋般甜甜的享受

- No!

-偶還要聽啦

- Nice pants, Pete. - Thanks.

-褲子滿好看的，皮特 -謝啦

- I'm sorry we got so competitive, Chad.

-很抱歉我們竟然變得如此好爭，查德

- Yeah, thanks for giving us another chance.

-對啊，謝謝你再給我們一次機會

- How about you guys let me come here free of charge

-那以後我來的時候，可以讓我

any time I want?

免費吃喝玩樂嗎？

- Of course, you're family. - Yeah.

-那是當然啊，你是我們的家人 -對啊

- Thank you so much for taking care of him.

-真的很謝謝你們照顧他

Was he a lot of trouble? - No, not at all, Nesha.

他有沒有給你們造成困擾啊？ -不會，他很乖呢，尼莎

We taught him a whole about safety.

我們今天為他上了一堂安全的課

- Wait, how do you know my name? - You don't remember us?

-等一下，你們怎麼會知道我的名字？ -妳不記得我們了喔？

Anton and Ian, from high school?

安東尼跟伊恩啊，高中跟妳同班過

"Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants"?

「牛仔褲的夏天」？

- Oh. Ew!

-喔，噁！

- Listen, we know that one of us is the father.

-聽我說，我們知道我們兩人之間有一人是他老爸

- Yeah, so we decided we'll

-對啊，而我們認為我們

just have joint custody over him.

都有查德的共同監護權

- Yeah, you don't even have to tell us

-對啊，這樣的話妳就不用告訴我們

which one of us is his real dad.

到底誰才是親生父親了

We love him like he's our own.

我們愛他，如同心頭上的一塊肉

- One, gross,

-首先，太噁了

and, two, neither of you are his dad.

第2，你們誰也不是他老爸

Chad's father is waiting in the car.

查德的老爸在車上等著他

- You lied to us?

-你騙我們？

- Yeah, I was just hoping to get some free games

-對啊，我只是希望能從中拿到一些免費遊戲

and pizza out of it, but messing with you dorks

和披薩，但沒想到捉弄你們這兩個笨蛋

was way more fun.

比我想像中的還有趣

- Young man, you are grounded.

-年輕人，你被禁足了

- You can't ground my son. Come on, Chad.

-你們不能禁足我孩子，走啦，查德

By the way, you can't get pregnant from kissing.

再說了，光是親親是不會讓人懷孕的好嗎？

- Yeah, I knew that.

-我知道

You knew that, right.

你知道吧？

- Yeah. Everyone knows that.

-當然，這不是常識嗎？

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)