Confusingly, we speak of love as one thing, rather than discerning the two very different varieties that lie beneath the single word.

難以理解地，當人們提到「愛」這個字時，我們不會去區分「愛」的兩種不同含義。

Being loved, and loving.

也就是「被愛」與「愛」。

We can only make a relationship work when we're ready to do the latter and are aware of our unnatural, immature fixation on the former.

要經營一段好的感情，唯有準備好去「愛」，且注意到我們不成熟地想作為「被愛」的意識，才有可能成功。

We start knowing only about being loved.

我們在被愛後才開始懂得「愛」。

It comes to seem, very wrongly, like the norm.

這看似是常態，卻是非常錯誤的。

To the child, it feels as if the parent is simply spontaneously on hand: to comfort, guide, entertain, feed, clear up, and remain almost always warm and cheerful.

對小孩而言，家人似乎是必須隨傳隨到的存在：安撫、指引、陪玩、餵食和收拾，而且時時刻刻都要是溫暖快樂的。

Parents don't reveal how often they've bitten their tongue, fought back the tears, and been too tired to take off their clothes after a day of child care.

家人不會顯露出自己在咬牙苦撐、克制流淚的衝動，或是在照顧小孩一天下來累到懶得換衣服。

The relationship is almost always entirely non-reciprocal.

這種情感關係可說是完全不互惠的。

The parent loves, but they don't expect the favor to be returned in any significant way.

家人給予愛，卻不求任何回報。

The parent doesn't get upset when the child doesn't notice the new haircut, asked [asks] carefully calibrated questions about how the meeting at work went, or suggested [suggests] that they go upstairs and take a nap.

家人不會因為孩子沒有注意到自己剪了新髮型而傷心、問些細心準備關於今天工作會議進行得如何的問題，或建議他們上樓睡個午覺。

Parent and child may both love, but each party is on a very different end of the axis, unbeknownst to the child.

家人和孩子也許互相愛著對方，但雙方卻處在軸線上不同的兩端，且孩子往往不知情。

This is why adulthood, when we first say we long for love, what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we are once loved by a parent.

這也是為什麽當我們長大成人後第一次說自己「渴望愛」，真正意思是，我們想要兒時家人曾賦予的那種愛。

We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be administered to and indulged.

在大人階段，我們想要再製那種既被管理又被滿足的愛。

In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, and be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly, and make it all better.

在內心深處，我們想像有人能了解我們的需求並帶給我們所想要的；對我們抱有長久的耐心、疼惜和無私付出，讓一切都好起來。

This is, naturally, a disaster; for any relationship to work we need to move firmly out of the child and into the parental position.

無疑地這等同於一場災難，因為任何感情的經營都需要我們果斷地從兒時舒適圈走出，移到當時家人所處的位置。

We need to become someone who can sometimes subordinate their own demands to the needs of another.

我們必須成為那種有時願為他人之需，把自己放在次要位置的人。

To be adults in love, we have to learn, perhaps for the very first time, to do something truly remarkable, for a time at least, to put someone else ahead of us.

做為陷入愛河的大人，我們必須學習做一件真正了不起的事。這或許是第一次，但至少一次，把別人的需求放在首位。

That's what true, mature love actually is, much to everyone's initial surprise.

雖然這起初令大家感到訝異，但這才是所謂真正成熟的愛。