(hushed) I have to show you something.

（悄悄）我必須給你看一個東西.

Okay.

喔.

Don't get turned on.

不要太“性”奮.

Okay!

喔！

I'm serious Gaby.

我是認真的, Gaby.

I don't want this to ruin our friendship.

我不想讓這件事毀掉我們的友情.

Is that how you think friendship works?

友情對你來說就這樣嗎？

You just see a vagina and poof, friendship gone?

只要看到對方的陰道, 磞一聲, 就不是友情了？

If that were true I would have no friends.

如果是這樣的話, 我早就沒半個朋友了.

How did you know I was gonna show you my vagina?

你怎麼知道我要給你看我的陰道？

It's been my birthday wish 3 years in a row.

這是我連續三年的生日願望.

Okay--

太棒了...

Allison, c'mon!

來啦, Allison！

What do you have? Show me.

你怎樣？給我看.

Is it a rash? Wart? Herp?

是皮疹嗎？疣？泡疹？

I don't know.

我不知道.

I haven't looked.

我還沒看.

Ever?

從來沒有？

No! It's just

不是啦！我是說,

what if it's an actual STD?

如果是真的性病怎麼辦？

Then not only will I be dying but

這樣的話, 我不僅會死掉,

my parents will be so disappointed in me.

我爸媽會對我無敵的失望.

Why would your parents have to know?

你爸媽幹麻要知道？

I mail my dad my insurance forms.

我保險單都寄給我爸.

How do you even know something's there?

妳怎知道有東西在那邊？

I felt it.

我感覺得到.

Uh-huh.

嗯哼.

While I was wiping.

擦屁股時.

Gaby it's big.

Gaby, 這真的很大,

Like AIDS big.

就像愛滋病的'大'.

Not a unit of measurement.

那並不是形容“大”的形容詞.

I don't wanna put you through this

我不想讓妳經歷這些,

but I figure you've seen things

但你見過許多世面,

you've probably had things.

也大概曾經“有”過什麼的.

Only thing I've ever had is a good time, sweetheart.

我只"有"過美好的時光而已, 親愛的.

Okay

好,

I don't wanna go down that road right now.

我現在...不想講到那邊去.

I just need you to tell me

我只要你告訴我,

if this is urgent care bad

這是 “需迫切照顧” 的慘,

or write my will right away

還是 "寫好遺書、

emergency room bad.

急診室救命" 的慘.

I can tell you right now, it's not bad.

我可以現在跟你說, 這沒有很慘.

How?

為什麼？

Because nothing on the vagina could be that bad, Allison.

因為有關陰道的事 都不會很慘.

Okay? 1 in 4 people have herpes.

好嗎, 每四人 就有一人有泡疹,

HPV is rampant.

愛滋病病毒猖獗,

Sometimes the vagina just

有時候 陰道只是破爛不堪,

gets rubbed weird from overuse.

因為用太多.

Eww!

噁噁噁！

I'm just saying, everybody's body is beautiful.

我只是說, 每個人的身體都很美.

I knew it.

我就知道.

I knew you were gonna take one look

我就知道, 你若看到我肉疣滿滿的陰道,

at my warty vagina and get REAL excited.

就變得超級性奮.

I can look at a naked body without getting excited.

我可以看裸體而不性奮, 好嗎？

I'm not an animal.

我又不是個野獸.

Really? Because I could think of multiple times

真的嗎？因為我可以想起很多次

where you've explained your behavior by

你大叫 "我們都是野獸！”

screaming "we're all animals!"

來你合理化你的行言舉止.

Take off the towel,

把你的浴巾拿開,

show me your vagina,

給我看你的陰道,

so we can all go back to living

所以我們能回去從前

our gender oppressed lives.

性壓抑的人生.

This was a mistake okay?

這是個錯誤, 好嗎？

I'm just gonna have an anxiety attack

我還是 讓自己焦慮失控一下,

'til I can see a professional.

然後晚一點再去看專科.

You can't die of anxiety.

焦慮殺不死人吧,

At least not right away.

至少沒那麼快...

Allison take off the towel--

Allison, 拿開你的浴巾--

No!

不！

Take off the towel!

拿開你的浴巾！

No!

不！

TAKE OFF THE TOWEL

拿開你的浴巾！！！

(whines)

（哀嚎）

Hmm.

哼...

Ingrown hair.

內向生毛.

Really!?

真的嗎！？

Yeah, positive.

嗯, 保證.

You can see the lil hair poking out.

你可以看到小毛毛鑽出來一點.

You just gotta

你可以就

heat up a pair of tweezers, take a shot of whiskey,

燒一雙鑷子, 乾一杯威士忌,

and pluck that sucker out.

把那肉腳抽出來.

Prairie medicine.

大草原療法.

Okay.

很好.

What?

幹嘛？

Just think it's a little rude

只是覺得你剛一點都不性奮,

that you're not at all turned on.

實在很沒有禮貌.

(whispering) Oh my gosh.

（默）我的天啊.

♪ (music) ♪

(音樂）

What do I need to do to make you like it?

我該怎辦 才能讓你喜歡上它？

(whispering) Kill me now. Just fucking take me.

（默）殺了我吧. 就他媽的殺了我吧.

Should I shave it?

我該剃它嗎？

Should I wax it?

我該蜜蠟除毛嗎？

Should I be conditioning it?

我該護髮它嗎？

Is that a thing? Is there a vagina conditioner?

有這種東西嗎？有給陰道的護髮乳嗎？

Y'know I've been told not to douche

別人叫我不要當個機車的人,

but maybe that's what I gotta do.

但也許我就是該機車.

(muffled screams)

（滅音尖叫）

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