Okay. Uh, you got the Sauvignon blanc, chilled?

好的，你準備白蘇維翁白葡萄酒了嘛？而且要冰過的。

- Yep. Check. - Okay.

- 有的。- 很好。- 準備好了。

- All the dips? Queso, seven-layer bean, garlic artichoke. - Okay, okay.

- 醬料呢？墨西哥牽絲乳酪、七層豆瓣醬、大蒜菜薊醬。 - 很好。

What's the matter? You seem kinda flustered.

怎麼了？你感覺有點慌。

I know. I know. I'm sorry. It's just like, ever since college, Malia always tries to, like, one-up me. And now that we're in new relationships, I just wanna win.

我知道，抱歉。 只是自從大學以來，Malia 總是要贏過我，現在我們兩個都剛交新男友，我想要贏過她。

I don't think it's gonna be a problem.

這應該不會是什麼問題。

Okay. She's already gonna think us meeting on Tinder is super lame.

很好，她一定會覺得我們在 Tinder 上認識這件事很遜。

All right, let's just make up a story.

沒事啊，編個故事就好。

We can do that?

可以這樣做嘛？

- Yeah, let's just make up a story about how we met. - Okay. Okay. Uh, how did we meet?

- 當然，就編個我們相遇的故事。- 很好，那，我們怎麼遇到的？

Oh, uh, the grocery store.

在雜貨店。

What? Babe, that's so lame. Nobody meets at the [bleep] grocery store.

什麼？寶貝，那太遜了。沒有人會在該死的雜貨店遇到愛。

Hi!

嗨！

- Okay. If they ask, just follow my lead. - Yeah, they probably won't even ask.

- 沒關係，如果他們問，就跟著我回答。- 好的，他們可能根本不會問。

- Hi! Nice to see you! - Hi! Nice to see you!

- 嗨！見到你真好！- 嗨！見到你真好！

So how did you guys meet?

所以你們是怎麼相遇的？

How did we meet? Uh...

我們怎麼相遇的？就是....

- Well, we should sit down for this, because it is such a doozy of a story. - It's a doozy.

- 我們應該先坐下來，因為這是個很特別的故事。- 很特別。

- It's a doozy. It's a doozy. - I bet it's amazing.

- 很特別，非常特別。- 我猜一定很精彩。

- Yeah, but probably not as good as our meet story. - Oh, well, it's really hard to top our meet story, babe.

- 沒錯，但不可能跟我們相遇的故事一樣好。- 沒錯啦，很難超越我們的故事，寶貝。

- So, Riley and I actually met at, uh, Cafe Jitters. And it's... it's actually more interesting than it sounds.

- Riley 跟我其實是在 Jitters 咖啡店遇到的，而且這故事實際比聽起來更有趣。

Yeah. Yes. Uh, so, every morning at 8:57 a.m., like clockwork, Fay would come in. It got to the point where I was timing my coffee run to be there exactly when Fay would get there. - I even memorized her favorite drink. - Oh...

- 沒錯，對，所以每天早上 8 點 57 分，就像上發條一樣，Fay 會準時進來店內，就在我計算我的休息時間的時候剛好是 Fay 到達的時間。- 我甚至記住她最喜歡的口味。- 拜託...

- Medium triple-shot latte... - Latte.

- 中杯三倍濃度拿鐵... - 拿鐵。

- Extra hot. - Extra hot.

- 特別熱。 - 特別熱。

Wait a second. I thought you didn't drink caffeine because it makes you super paranoid.

等等，我以為你不喝咖啡因，因為會讓你超級偏執。

Oh! Uh, I... I... I don't normally. I was just, you know, trying it for a few weeks inexplicably so that I could, uh, see... how... how... how I am.

喔！我通常不會喝，我只是，你知道的，莫名其妙地嘗試了幾個星期，這樣我就可以，呃，看看... 我會如何。

You know, I'm pretty into coffee, like, I belong to a Roast of the Month club and--

我很愛咖啡誒，我還加入咖啡俱樂部還有——

- A Roast of the Month club? - Yeah. It's not a big deal, but... you know. - Hmm.

- 咖啡俱樂部？- 對啊，這沒什麼，但... 你懂的。- 好喔。

- Uh, any-- anyways. So, uh, yeah, this one morning, Fay was kind of running a little late, so I ordered her drink, and when she burst through the door in a tizzy, I had it, and that was my in.

- 總之，有一天早上，Fay 有點遲到了，所以我幫點了她的飲料，當她頭暈目眩地衝進門時，我就上場了，到我的機會了。

Oh, my god, that is so sweet.

我的天啊，好貼心。

- Well, not as sweet as our story though. - It's hard to be sweeter than our story, because it is so intense.

- 但沒有像我們的故事一樣甜蜜。- 很難比我們的故事更甜蜜，因為太激情了。

Huh.

是喔。

Last month, the restaurant that I work at had this huge kitchen fire, and I got trapped in the supply closet behind it.

上個月，我工作的餐廳發生了一場巨大的廚房火災，我被困在它後面的儲藏室裡。

- Wow. - Hunter was passing by on his way to the shelter that he volunteers at routinely. And he sees the fire, runs in, and saves my life.

- 哇。- Hunter 在前往他經常擔任志工的收容所的路上經過，然後他看到了火便跑了進來，救了我的命。

Cool story. But we weren't done with our story.

好酷的故事，但我們的還沒結束。

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were.

抱歉，我以為結束了。

No. So, uh, after Riley gave me my order, this... this man... this big scary man just busts in and throws hot coffee all over me and takes my wallet out of my purse and just books it.

還沒有，所以，在 Riley 給我咖啡後，有個可怕的大塊頭突然闖進來，把熱咖啡扔到我身上，從我的包包裡搶走錢包，然後就逃走了。

And then Riley sees this, and he looks at me, and he says, "Ma'am, do you believe in vigilante justice?"

然後 Riley 看到了這一切，他看著我說：「小姐，你相信私刑正義嗎？」

Oh, wow, sexy.

哇嗚，好性感。

Well, I added only after we contact the authorities and go through all the official channels. I... I just think that cops get a really bad rap.

其實，我是在聯繫警方，完成所有正常程序之後才這樣對她說的，我只是覺得警察的名聲變得非常糟糕。

Oh, my god, you guys. Ferguson.

天啊，各位， 這讓我想到麥可·布朗命案。

You know, it is such a travesty.

你們知道嗎，那事件根本是一種諷刺。

- Well, yeah. I think it's probably a... unfortunate, uh, misunderstanding. I mean, it's tragic. It was tragic, but-- - Wait. Wait. You're on that side of Ferguson? I have always been a "[bleep] the police" kinda girl.

- 是啊，我想這可能是一個... 不幸的，呃，誤會。我的意思是，這很悲慘，是個悲劇，但是—— - 等等，你支持警方？我一直都是秉持「警察去*」。

My dad was a cop.

我爸以前是警察。

- You didn't tell me that. - Well...

- 你沒跟我說過。- 這個...

W-why don't we get back to the story, hon?

我們何不回到故事呢？

- Yeah, yeah. Okay. So the chase is on, and then I fall. You know, I'm stumbling. And I, like, hit the ground hard, and I break my ankle.

- 沒錯，所以追逐開始了，然後我跌倒了，就是絆倒，就像重重地撞在地上，摔斷了腳踝。

So Riley just points to his back, and it-- let's show them, honey. Let's just show them. So I... I piggyback him, and it's, like, top-rope style.

所以 Riley 指著他的背，然後—— 親愛的，我們直接演給他們看好了。所以他背著我，像上方確保式那樣。

We're just running. We're just chasing this Latino perp guy. And-- - Wait, I'm sorry.

然後我們就是一直跑，我們在追拉丁裔的犯人，然後—— - 等等，不好意思。

- Wait, why did you mention that he's Latino? - Because he is Latino.

- 等等，你為什麼要提到他是拉丁裔？- 因為他就是拉丁裔啊。

- Yeah, I just think that's, like, a totally unnecessary detail though. - Well, maybe it'll become necessary later in the story.

- 是沒錯，我只是覺得，這完全就是不重要的細節。- 也許等等就會變成故事中很重要的細節了。

- Well, maybe it's just a little racist. - Oh, it's racist? Mr. System feels bad for the criminal who mugged me and threw coffee on me?

- 也許這有點歧視。- 這很歧視？體制先生對於罪犯搶劫我然後丟咖啡在我身上會感到很抱歉？

- Okay, you know what? Why don't I take the story from here?

- 好喔，你知道嘛？何不換我講故事？

So, uh, we catch up with this, uh, Hispanic Latino from Mexico, right? And he just punches Fay right in the face, kinda like a modified clothesline shot.

所以呢，我們追上了這位來自墨西哥的西班牙裔拉丁裔，然後他往 Fay 的臉上打了一拳，有點像是修改版的碎擊式出拳。

And then a van pulls up, right? And it straight-up abducts her.

然後一輛麵包車停了下來，然後就直接綁架了她。

Oh, my god. You were abducted?

我的天啊，你被綁架了？

- Now, that is a story, man. - Totally crazy.

- 老兄，這才叫精彩的故事。- 很瘋狂。

So I don't know what to do. So I-- I file a missing persons report, and I open a crisis center. But, you know, nothing happens. 72 hours pass, no word, and you know what they say.

我不知道該怎麼做，所以我報了失蹤，還成立了危機中心，但是，什麼也沒有發生，72 小時過去了，什麼消息都沒有，然後你知道他們說什麼嗎？

They never find the person after the first 72 hours.

黃金 72 小時之後他們就再也找不到人了。

That's exactly what they say, Hunter. That's exactly what they say.

Hunter，他們就是這樣說的，一模一樣。

So I start thinking, maybe I got to move on, you know? How do I know she didn't abduct herself, like in that Gone Girl?

所以我就開始思考，也許我該放下，你懂嗎？我怎麼知道她是不是自導自演，像《控制》那部電影一樣。

- Makes sense. - True.

- 有道理。- 沒錯。

No, it does not make sense, just like your taste in music, movies, and professional wrestlers.

不對，這一點都不合理，就像你對音樂、電影和職業摔角的品味一樣。

Yeah, well, you know what? I never thought you were funny. I mean, it's like you know how to laugh at all the right stuff, but you never know how to add anything new.

沒錯，你知道嗎？ 我從來都不覺得你很有趣，我的意思是，你知道什麼時候該笑，但你永遠不會求新求變。

Are you guys still telling the story about how you met at--

你們還有要說你們遇到的故事嗎——

Yes! Yes, it is. But don't worry, because it's also the story of how we broke up!

有，我們有，但別擔心，這剛好也是我們分手的故事！

- Great! - Great!

- 很棒！- 很棒！

- (louder) Great! - Great!

- (更大聲) 超棒！- 超棒！

[End of Relationship]

[分手]

Do you think that we should tell them we actually met on Tinder?

妳覺得我們要不要跟他們說我們其實是在 Tinder 上遇到的？

No. Never.

不行，絕對不行。