It is first and foremost and quite obviously, our partner's fault.

我們的第一反應就是怪罪身邊的人。

We get furious with our partners because we assign them such a deep role in our lives.

我們對親近的人生氣因為他們在我們的生活之中扮演重要的角色。

We have faith that a person who understands obscure parts of us, whose presence solves so many of our problems

我們深信這些人了解我們的黑暗面，他們的存在解決我們自身許多問題，

couldn't realistically also be someone who wouldn't be able to fix our whole lives.

卻不能同時解決我們現實生活中所有問題。

We exaggerate our partners' powers.

我們對另一半抱著太大的期待。

An exaggeration that's an echo heard in adult life down the decades of a child's or their parents'.

成年人這樣的期待往往源自幾十年前孩童時期或其父母的生活中。

The partner inherits a little of that beautiful romantic dangerous unfair trust

我們把小時候對父母既美麗神祕又帶有危險的莫名期待

that we as children once had in our parents .

投射在現在身邊親近的人身上。

At one level, the lover has learnt how to reassure the anxious child in us, that's why we love them.

愛我們的人在一定程度上知道如何安撫我們內心焦躁的小孩，所以我們才如此愛他們。

But that source of strength also brings with it some very serious problems

但這種愛也會帶來一些問題，

for the primitive part of us insists on trusting them a little too much believing that they actually control far more of existence than they possibly could.

我們內心最單純的部分過度相信他們，而認為他們能處理的問題比實際上能負擔的更多。

It's also to do with a permission that the partner's love gives us to moan in a way we cannot otherwise.

同時，伴侶們無私的愛讓我們毫無節制地抱怨。

The world is constantly mean to us.

這世界很殘忍。

It rejects our creative endeavors. It overlooks us in promotions, it rewards idiots.

它反駁創意思想、忽略獎勵的重要性卻鼓勵白痴的作為。

But usually we can't complain. We can't get angry with the people who are really to blame for hurting us.

但我們通常無法抱怨。我們無法對那些真正傷害我們的人生氣。

So we get angry with those whom we can be sure will tolerate us for blaming them.

取而代之的，我們對身邊親近的人發脾氣，因為我們相信他們會容忍。

We get angry with the very nicest, most sympathetic, most loyal people in our vicinity.

我們對那些身旁最和善、最富有同理心、最忠心的人發怒。

The ones least likely to have harmed us but most likely to stick around.

那些最不會傷害我們並不離不棄的人。

While we blame them furiously for having done so, the mean words and mad accusations we mutter to our lovers undoubtedly often sound horrible.

當我們生氣地責怪他們時，我們對愛人說出傷人的話，這些話語通常都很刺耳。

But let's at least remember that they are a curious proof of intimacy, a symptom of love itself.

但至少這是親密的證據，是愛的一個象徵。

And in their own way, oddly romantic, a detail indirectly acknowledged by their frequently sexual conclusions.

而由此古老的模式、詭異的浪漫關係的細節中，我們間接得知這個關係常理。

We can tell any stranger something reasonable and polite,

我們可以對陌生人理性且禮貌，

but only in the presence of someone we really trust can we dare to be properly irrational and truly unkind.

但只有在我們真正信任的人面前，我們才敢表現地完全不理性或態度很差。

If we think of love as being in perfect agreement all the time,

如果我們認為愛是全然完美的和諧，

we will feel that getting into fights must mean that a relationship is winding down or starting to fall apart.

那我們一定會把吵架看成是關係的瓦解或破裂。

But crazy blame games are at heart just a symptom of an intensity of investment in another person.

但這瘋狂的責怪競賽只是對於另一半投注強烈情感的一種症狀。

We aren't simply nice with our partners because we're so close to them.

我們對伴侶不單只是因為親近而表現友善。

They draw us into very private zones of turbulence and distress from which absolutely everyone else is excluded.

在他們身旁，我們會進入私領域，毫無保留地發洩與憂傷而這種私領域不是每個人都可以踏進的。

That's one of the stranger, more unfortunate and yet from a calm angle almost flattering gifts of love.

聽起來似乎有些奇怪且不幸，但靜下來思考，那也是親密關係中令人著迷的禮物啊！