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  • Hi. I'm Bruce Muzik... and welcome to this, the third video in this series about how

  • to navigate through the treacherous

  • stage of the relationship called "The Power Struggle" stage

  • and if you haven't been watching the previous videos, the Power Struggle stage

  • happens right

  • after the romance begins to fade away

  • and usually ends up with one or both partners fighting for

  • power inside the relationship. In this video series we're taking a look

  • at how to navigate through this Power Struggle stage and turn it into an opportunity for

  • deeper intimacy,

  • connection, create security and a romance that lasts a lifetime.

  • In this video, I'm going to be teaching you powerful

  • communication techniques for how to cool off an

  • argument when it starts spiraling out of control

  • into a full-blown fight. But I feel obliged to

  • issue a warning before I teach you this technique because this

  • communication technique is so powerful...

  • that if you practice and master it, what you'll probably find is that the people you use

  • it with will have a habit of falling in love with you...

  • So use it very wisely.

  • Let's take a look at how a normal conversation can turn into an argument...

  • and then spiral out of control

  • into a fight. I'd like you to think of a good conversation like a good tennis

  • match...

  • ...in that there's two people playing and there is a ball that gets hit back across the

  • net...

  • The ball is a metaphor for the

  • conversation or the message that is being communicated between two people.

  • Like in any good tennis game, in any good conversation...

  • when you hit the ball across the net, the other person hits a back to you.

  • Just like a good conversation, it would be no fun if you hit the ball

  • across the net...

  • and the other person didn't hit it back! In psychological circles...

  • your willingness to hit the ball back

  • is called your RESPONSIVENESS. It turns out...

  • that responsiveness is one of the

  • keys to creating a long-term romantic relationship

  • that lasts - that is full of intimacy and connection.

  • So, let's take a look at what a responsive conversation may

  • look like: "Honey I'm so tired.

  • I had an exhausting day at work." "I understand baby...

  • ...I guess you not like that about cooking tonight, right?" "Yeah, you got that right."

  • "Well why don't we get take-out instead and then you don't have to cook?" "Oh, that

  • sounds like a wonderful idea.

  • Maybe we can rent a movie while we're at it?" "Oh yeah, let's get the one we were

  • talking about the other night."

  • And the conversation is off to a great start with both partners responding to

  • each other.

  • On the other hand, here's one unresponsive conversation might look

  • like:

  • "Honey I'm so tired. I had an exhausting day at work."

  • "Uh Huh" "I really don't feel like cooking tonight..."

  • "Well, why don't you just get take out?" "Well what do you want?"

  • "I don't know. Choose something for me." "Oh jeez, you are so indecisive!

  • "Do I have to make all the decisions in this marriage?" "Uggh! Here we go again. It's always

  • my fault isn't it?"

  • And this conversation (on the other hand) is destined to escalate

  • into a fight. Can you see the difference? The difference is that

  • in the first conversation the partners in responding to each other. In the

  • second conversation,

  • they may be talking to each other, but they were unresponsive emotionally

  • The research shows that responsiveness is one of the key

  • predictive factors

  • in predicting whether or not a relationship will last. In fact the

  • statistics go like this:

  • In stable marriages that last a lifetime both parties a highly responsive to each

  • other

  • responding to each other eighty percent of the time each time their partner

  • reached out

  • for attention whereas marriages with that ended in divorce

  • partners were unresponsive and responded less than 50 percent the time today

  • partner reaching out

  • for connection and attention so the first distinction I want to leave you

  • with is that

  • your ability to respond your sponsor miss is a key factor in determining

  • whether a relationship will last

  • or whether a whole and breaking up also

  • the second the station I wanna leave you with is that your ability to be

  • responsive

  • in a conversation to your partner the 10 whether or not your conversations are

  • fun

  • light-hearted in 10 minutes connected

  • sexy and loving all-weather or not they escalate into full-blown fights

  • with one eye view sleeping on the couch know what I mean

  • so how can we be responsive to our partners when we're in the middle of a

  • fight to win with trigger upset

  • well the first thing you want to do his you wanna stop hitting your own balls

  • back to your pot now

  • or getting them to aimed at department head and begin returning the ball

  • they serve to you department to serve the ball across the net

  • might be some kind of communication and you hit that one bowl

  • over there back to them one ball in her court at a time as the rules Kenneth in

  • the same

  • in a good conversation when your partner's game is over

  • you're going to have your turn to serve your ball over the net

  • and they'll respond to him global back and when you do that you can play a game

  • and add-ons

  • in the conversation begins to happen rather than both are you serving bowl

  • that each other at the same time

  • potential war zone where everybody takes casualties on both sides

  • and is a powerful way to do this I call having a reflective conversation

  • been called many names by many great teachers I just call it a reflective

  • conversation

  • that gets the most descriptive name for it

  • it turns out that human beings in a relationship what we want more than

  • anything is to feel

  • gotten and is still don't feel heard and understood by

  • our partner but we were never taught this as a skill that's cool

  • we were taught to speak but we were actually never taught how to listen

  • just assume that if we understand English we could lessen

  • but we were never taught how to listen in a way that %uh partner feels

  • heard and understood

  • and I'm willing to bet that hoffa the arguments that happen in your

  • relationship

  • or have happened in your past relationships or because you or your

  • partner

  • have not felt her and not felt gotten by

  • each either how do you make your partner feel heard and understood

  • was actually pretty simple all you need to do is reflected back to them

  • what you've understood about what they say it's basically say back to them

  • paraphrasing

  • what they say it's that they gets that you heard them

  • and you understood that and if you didn't get it correct they can then

  • correct you so it's pretty simple it's not rocket science and it might look a

  • little bit like this here's an example that slightly more serious than the

  • previous examples a little

  • demonstrate to you how you can reuse this

  • in your own relationship to create instant connection in the middle of a

  • fight

  • with your pop honey I love to have a reflective conversation with you

  • are you free right now sure love what's up you last night when we were at dinner

  • me

  • joked about our sex life in public haha well I was really embarrassed when you

  • did that

  • okay so let me see if I understand you when I joked about our sex life at

  • dinner last night you felt

  • embarrassed to get it get them all

  • yet I really appreciate if you would talk about our sex life in public

  • I know you don't mean to be disrespectful but I am just not

  • comfortable about talking

  • about sex is your so hurt you accurately what I'm hearing you say is that your

  • list comes when I am about talking about sex and you'd rather than I didn't talk

  • about sex in public

  • to get it not quite it up that I mind you talk about sex with our friends

  • it today John comes we'll talk about our sex life public

  • I okay I get to talk about sex and Publix fine

  • but talking about our sex life feels uncomfortable for you and you'd rather I

  • didn't do that

  • that right yes is anything more no that's all

  • thank you I'm sorry I make you feel uncomfortable last night that was my

  • intention honey and I'll make sure I don't talk about a sec left in public

  • again

  • so I'm hearing you say that you regret making me uncomfortable

  • and you're not gonna talk about it looks like in public that right

  • you got it baby became more now and love you

  • pilot here so before I explain each step

  • in this reflective conversation you're probably thinking

  • Cruz speech like this this is a where

  • and I don't blame you I promise you I'm not gonna ask you to speak like this

  • in public but if you master this technique and begin to use it in your

  • relationship

  • something magical will happen tension will begin to dissolve

  • your partner's anger will disappear and if you stick with the conversation and

  • see it through to completion

  • you'll take your relationship to new heights are intimacy

  • connection and love that you may have never experienced before

  • 0 okay let's take a look at how you can have your own reflective conversations

  • with your partner step-by-step so the first step

  • is to request reflective conversation so if you find yourself in an argument that

  • you fear might be escalating into a fight

  • well even the city apart the honeycomb live reflective conversation please

  • and if they say yes well then UN and the next thing you gonna do is gonna choose

  • who's gonna go first has to say

  • who's gonna be the speaker and the person who speaks first we're gonna call

  • the sender and the person who listens

  • were gonna call their receiver that this %um for this example that you're the

  • receiver and your partner's

  • the sender the third step is your partner

  • the sender is gonna send their message and your job is the receiver

  • is gonna be just to listen you don't say a word you just listen

  • and when they stop you gonna paraphrase back to them

  • in your own words what you understood that they've said

  • personally I like to reflect back using the sentence them

  • if I heard you accurately what I hear you saying is

  • dot dot dot and when you have you gonna check in with them that you got it right

  • by saying

  • did I get it if you didn't get it they'll tell you which part of their

  • message you didn't understand properly

  • and then you can paraphrase a reflected back to them again

  • until they confirm that you did get once they've confirmed

  • that you didn't get it the next question you can ask the sender is

  • is there more if the same this is that there's no more

  • well then you can switch roles and you can become the sender and send your

  • message and they listen to you tomorrow

  • now I understand that this may feel a little bit overwhelming in the beginning

  • like a lot to remember

  • so I made you a document download this video that you can download and print

  • out

  • and keep handy around the house that when you next into an argument we feel a

  • conversation

  • turning in talking to the tension rising you grab a piece of paper saying

  • apartment

  • hate we have a reflective conversation piece I feel like the pensions

  • increasing here

  • and it if you can use the documents to run through step by step

  • and before you know it will become second nature and your conversational

  • very rarely escalates into full-blown war where you know

  • firing shots at each other the alternative fun tennis matches where

  • you're bouncing a ball back across the next to each other

  • and feeding her and gotten understood and I love and connection

  • deepens and increases in your relationship

  • so here's a couple of tests for making a reflective conversation

  • s transformative as possible

  • that number one one person speaks at a time only

  • this way you always feel like you're being heard

  • September 2 the same as always to speak in bite-size chunks

  • case maybe 30 seconds at a time and then their

  • person who's the receiver can reflect back a bite size chunks rather than

  • having to reflect back 10 minutes with a

  • download right says they seconds to a minute at a time seems to be

  • a good that balance tip number three

  • is the center is going to own their words they can use I statements ago take

  • full responsibility

  • for your experience what's going on for you not to point fingers at department

  • say you did this and you did that

  • to them before if you can any and it feels good to

  • said need to me with your partner and hold your partner's hand

  • touch apart have some good physical touch with your partner some people when

  • they're in the middle conflict the lost thing they want to do is have physical

  • touch

  • in that case it might be better to step back

  • auster partner what that prefer and figure out something that works

  • for you and two number five is hug your partner afterwards when you finish for

  • the conversation and

  • ends in 11th face hug your partner and ended

  • lovingly and what you'll do is look train each other that every time you

  • have an argument and you use this technique

  • ends in luck and you'll want to use this technique a partner will want to use

  • this technique

  • and before you know it your arguments one even escalate into fights anymore

  • they'll begin to end in these beautiful moments for the two of you just feel

  • connected and loving and gotten

  • and heard and understood in like a part was the own personal will just

  • truly understands you and that's what I want for you

  • and that's when teaching at this technique that's why I'm starting to

  • love at first bite coaching program shortly

  • and that's why making these videos for you see you can have that experience

  • instead of the horrible experience at breaking up that most people have

  • during a power struggle stage

  • so where would you use a reflective conversation

  • well the first way you might use it would be to actually request one

  • so maybe you've got something on your mind little nervous about talking to

  • your partner about me

  • suspect it might be a touchy subject and Mike escalate into an argument or

  • an opportunity to review to be disconnected then you might say a

  • partner

  • any you but sometimes something between 4-5pm going to spend an hour

  • have reflected conversations the following requests that's one way to use

  • now the way to use it is when you're having a conversation you notice that

  • the tensions rising

  • before it gets out of control in my city apartment hey

  • they can we just a reflective conversation and you can de-escalate the

  • conflict sped away

  • I often use it when my partners sharing with me about how the day went and

  • they've had a really tough day and a shank me

  • I just reflect back to them what they're saying today extending her dad got me

  • not even having an argument or fight that all

  • but I just use it you know naturally that she feels her and she feels got

  • Minch

  • feels like that you know that I'm interested in what she saying you can

  • even use it with your children

  • you could use it at work with your boss in with your employees especially think

  • it heated

  • this kind of technique is used in hostage negotiation and conflict

  • resolution all around the world so over time

  • as the two you become more and more reliable to use this technique

  • your relationships began to become safer and safer for the two

  • you to open up be vulnerable and share with each other and those sensitive

  • conversations that might have previously ended with wanna be sleeping on the

  • couch

  • okay and with both the sleeping in each others arms

  • in a bit to get I could speak for hours on how to make this technique

  • even more effective and will be going deeper into debt the left Best Buy

  • coaching program which will tell you about in the next video so if you wanna

  • be notified before anybody else

  • when the love at first bite coaching program opens

  • please pop your email in the box down below and click the button

  • and I'll send you an email as soon as we open the door that program before I

  • let everybody else Cup so I hope you found this video youthful

  • and I hope you show it to your partner and you print out the document down

  • below

  • and you use the technique in your relationship then please leave me a

  • comment

  • and let me know what you thought the video and let me know your success story

  • the house

  • actually was going to have a conversation like this with your partner

  • tonight

  • let me know how it goes please click the Like button down below it share on

  • Facebook

  • email it to your friends and we can spread the word about how to

  • the escalating conflict help people all around the world create

  • relationship have more lovable a romance that last a lifetime

  • so this is Brit Music signing off with you more love than you know how to

  • handle

  • have an amazing day and I'll talk to a couple days when love at first sight

  • touch

  • program talk to them by

Hi. I'm Bruce Muzik... and welcome to this, the third video in this series about how

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